Online Meetings Tuesday 7:00 PM Eastern in the Meeting Room

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Share your story here.

hopeful11 · Newbie

New looking for a group online.

-- Edited by hopeful11 on Saturday 22nd of September 2018 10:48:20 PM

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Welcome, hopeful!

When you join this site you'll see our personal shares. Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

In Recovery,

Princess K.

Verry_Merry · Newbie

Hey. So...not use to doing this but I stumbled upon this site and felt compelled to share my story. It's a long one (who's isn't, right?), so I will shorten it for the sake of introduction.

My dad was/is the alcoholic. My mom had a hardcore addiction to cigarettes ( I've seriously never met another person that addicted to smokes in my life) and she had a bad habit of spending way too much money on the lotto and scratch offs. I was really close with my mom. My dad was a happy drunk when friends were around but once everyone left, happy drunk would leave and angry at the world drunk would appear. He'd find any and everything to complain about and I can't tell you how many times we'd walk on egg shells trying to avoid the inevitable blowup (that was usually from something as simple as looking in the fridge to long for a drink or closing a door too hard). We were all stupid (Mom, my younger sister and older brother). We were all ignorant. Stupid. You name it, we were it. Then a fight would ensue between my parents that ended with my sister and I crying in our rooms and my mom coming in to talk to us, cry to us and tell us that she was going to leave. Until the next day amnesia came that resulted in, well, nothing. Years this went on. YEARS. I ended high school pregnant by the first guy who gave me attention and, after two kids, he finally left me and made me realize that I deserved more than than a relationship modeled after my parents (ex wasn't an alcoholic but very controlling and verbally abusive). I met a great man who loved my two boys like his own and we added to kids to the mix. We moved far away from our home due to his job and live a life that I only dreamed of when I was a kid. I thought I had dealt with my childhood trauma. I thought I had even come to peace with my father (mom and him still continuing their toxic behavior, but I was only dealing with it on the rare visits home). Eventually, the cigarette smoking caught up with my mom and she ended up with C.O.P.D. She fought this disease for years but lost her battle last December, a week before Christmas. She was my best friend that I had to slowly watch wither away into a sad version of the woman she used to be. In the almost 10 months since she's been gone, things have gotten rocky with my dad again. We were never really close (never say I love you or anything like that) and my mom was the only one I really "talked" to. Dad was more of a "Hey how's the weather/ My car is making this noise" conversation. In these 10 months, my father sold the home him and my mother share and I was unable to go back and go through my mothers things. There was no funeral for my mother, no service, no ceremony. My father had her cremated and told me that we'd do something when the whole family could get together. Well, one Monday morning, my father called and told me that he took it upon himself to spread my mothers ashes on his mothers grave and that she was at peace now. I found out my mother was laid to rest, over someone else's grave 2 days after it happend. My heart broke. At that moment, all that hate , ugly and horrible past came rearing up into my future and I realized that all these things I thought I had dealt with were actually just stuffed away, waiting for the perfect time to escape. When I told him that I was upset that he did this, he replied that I was being too emotional and over reacting. and now this is where I'm at. This weird child like position of knowing that he is my father, he is elderly and sick (uncontrolled diabetic who drinks from the moment he gets up til he passes out) and therefore I should call him and check in on him....but then this other side of me that hates when he calls or avoids calling him cause when I do, it reminds me of how much I miss mom and brings back all these painful memories of my childhood. It makes me hurt that my mom lived this life with this man and that even in her passing, he could only toss her remains on a random Saturday on someone else's final resting place. I get in a foul mood when I talk to him and am trying to not talk to him, but feel so responsible for him at the same time. Messed up, right? Ah, I don't even know why I'm writing this. I just want to share this. Share my truth and not burden my loved one's with this crap. I just want so despertly to get over this all and live a full life and not one with pain just bubbling under the surface,.

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Thanks for sharing your story, Verry Merry.

I'm sure there are many similarities in our stories. However we got here, we all took on The Laundry List.

My Dad was also the alcoholic, and died from liver failure and diabetes. He took advantage of people, and none of us wanted anything to do with him.

My Mom just passed away in April. I travelled up there at the end and watched her wither away. She was Narcissistic, and we had our own issues.

We didn't get this way overnight, and there is no magic recovery pill. It's usually a two steps forward, one step back process.

When you join this site you'll see our personal shares. Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

In Recovery,

Princess K.

david · Guru

Hi Verry,

we don't have an egg-timer on the table here biggrin so sometimes our shares are drawn out.

Maybe, because of this, our narrarites begin to make sense to us- and maybe motivate us to alter the scripts... confuse ...

...my dad was both the crazy drinker, and the smoker all rolled into one! I can't imagine the existence he had!

They say y'all kin take the kid out of the family, but y'all cain't take the family out of the kid!

ACA, for me, is a place where we have peers who are also taking the journey- towards further maturity [hopefully!]

I see it as a process, rather than a product...

...I always look forward to seeing fellow travellers...

...welcome... smile ...

Erin95 · Newbie

Hello Everyone,

I am new to ACA and when I found this site I was so happy because I can share my story without the anxiety that comes with speaking it out loud. This is a good first step for me. So my dad is/was an alcoholic and growing up with him was incredibly hard. My mother was the money maker in the family and because her income was the the only thing supporting us. She was rarely ever home, which was incredibly tough because I needed her. My dad is an military veteran with PTSD and bad anger issues. Being at home rarely ever felt good. I remember that feeling of uncertency coming home from school and not knowing if hed be sleeping on the couch, drinking, or raging/frustrated over something minor. He was a violent person when something set him off he would punch holes in walls/doors, break things and throw them. He was emotionally abusive. Because I was never happy at home I rarely was ever in a good space to do my homework or pay close attention in school which frustrated my teachers. School nor home was a good place to be and over time I became stricken with anxiety and panic, and I started to loathe myself, which made it so difficult to make friends and connect with others. I have a vivid memory of a time when my father had gotten very drunk. He was yelling at mother and I remember hearing a loud smash which was followed by him storming out of the house. Soon after this argument my dad shot himself (by accident) in our neighbors backyard and had to be Helicopter med-evacted due to his critical condition. After this event he spent months in a psychiatric ward where I was not allowed to visit him due to being under age. My mother kept this event a secret she was ashamed. No one at school knew and I kept it bottled up inside of me for years. During this time I became so reserved and lost so many connections which had been an ongoing struggle for me throughout my life. Soon after this event my parents divorced and he started going to AA but during my last year of college my parents got back together and he moved back in. After graduating from college I had to move back home due to my students loans and not yet having a job. Moving back home has been so difficult because its the first time Ive lived with him since his days drinking and raging. Although hes sober he still has his anger issues and I feel like Im slipping back into the person I was in my childhood before I had left home. He seems to be so connected now in AA and has turned his life around and then theres me dealing with depression and anxiety trying to piece myself back together. Dont get me wrong my dad does have his good moments and can be very kind I just feel like I cant be myself around him or speak my truth. Im always on edge like Im waiting for him to blow up. I just want to get through this and meet others who have experienced similar struggles. I am hoping that someday I can overcome this so I can finally focus on myself and my life.

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Erin}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks for sharing your story.

My Dad and Stepdad were also the alcoholics. After my Mom passed last April I found a deposition she did in 1962 when my parents divorced. She kept a lot of Dad's bad behavior from my brother and I. It turns out he spent his engineer salary on himself (and girlfriends), and my Grandmother supported the family.

Even when we leave the home we still carry the dysfunctional baggage with us. I'm glad you have found ACA and can being the recovery process. Yes, there is a better life!

When you join this site you will see our personal shares. Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

In Recovery,

Princess K.

xrodriguez · Newbie

Hi everyone,

So I'm brand new to this... all of this. I didn't even know anything like ACA existed until a couple months ago. I had gone to therapy for years, seen several different therapists, tried several different antidepressants, I just knew something wasn't right with me. I thought it was simply just depression but after I got off my meds I knew it was so much deeper than that. My family was never perfect, I had nearly perfect grades in high school and still never felt good enough for my mom. I was also supposed to be the role model for my younger sister.

I honestly don't know how I got through high school because it seems like that was when I felt the worst, when I cried myself to sleep every night. After I went away to college it all fell apart. After my first semester I began experiencing heavy anxiety which I never experienced before. At the end of my second semester I was so depressed I convinced my parents to let me try taking medication for it (they were super against antidepressants). After a year of antidepressants and therapy it was like I stopped feeling period. I dissociated anytime difficult emotions came up but still cried when I was alone. I failed out of that college because I had slept through everything, all of my classes, exams, everything. I came home that year and had to enroll in community college in my hometown so I could live at home, monitored by my parents.

All while this was happening, I was partying. I drank and drugged to get away from the pain I felt every day. I don't have a problem with drinking or drugs, but back then I was determined to destroy myself.

About a year ago I met my current boyfriend who is in AA. After attending several meetings with him I realized I related to a lot of the stuff they talked about in meetings, just not the powerlessness over alcohol and drugs. I thought maybe it would be a good idea to go through the 12 steps of AA with a friend, hoping they might help me get through the emotional struggle I've been dealing with my whole life.

After awhile, one of his friends led me to the ACA website and as soon as I read the laundry list and the characteristics of an Adult Child I knew that this was the kind of help I've been searching for. That this isn't something that would be readily approached in therapy sessions. I'm comforted in the fact that I'm not alone in this, that there are millions of people experiencing the same things I am and working through them in so many different ways. I always thought that I was the problem in my family, that I was the reason I couldn't be close with them, but reading everything ACA stands for, I realize that I'm not and I'm ready to do whatever it takes to finally accept myself as well as my decisions and choices in my own life.

-- Edited by xrodriguez on Saturday 15th of December 2018 08:05:26 PM

david · Guru

Hi X,

your story is my story!

I am reply to you here- because I live in the South Pacific- and most of our other members will be fast asleep!

I came into ACA through Alanon. Alanon kept my nose above water; but ACA gave me wings! Er, well- it gave me feet and hands first- to show me how to get out of the deep hole I found myself in. I was stuck there!

There are lots of questions and issues we can discuss here. This group MIP ACA is my home group.

sometimes I believe that- because we are all so super=sensitive, and also super wise and intelligent the tough aspects of life just seem to drag us down.

We sometimes struggle to know what to do with new members. Just forming a group was tough- at the beginning.

But I think we are all learning- and growing emotionally... this group is such a great crowd!

It is summer here- and I have just been to a Christmas feast- up the road.

I am older now. I napped. And now I feel refreshed... ready to go again for a few hours.

Take care- we are all worth it.

David G.

Paco a paco, poco a poco, dia por dia... smile ...

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Welcome to MIP, xrodriguez!

When I first learned about ACA from my therapist it was a real light bulb moment! I'm very surprised that your counselor didn't tell you about it.

I hope you will register as a member so you can see our personal shares, daily readings, etc. and join our recovery journey. Although we came from different backgrounds, we have many traits in common. I'm sure the ACA Program can help you understand your past and create a better future!

In Recovery,

Princess K.

carolina cat · Newbie

Well it's been a long road. I started with ACA for a few in-person meetings about 3 years ago, and never ended up sharing because I just cried the whole time in every meeting. So this'll be the first time I've shared, really actually to share everything with anyone, ever.

When I was 16 my mom, who'd been sober from drinking for about 10 years, decided to start smoking pot again. She then started to buy weed from my toxic boyfriend and from some of my friends. Then she started drinking, and taking pills and became the "cool mom". I was crying out for help, but instead I was met with a new party friend instead of a mom. I began using with her and hiding my pain by hosting parties at my house for my friends. My parents divorced when I was 4, mom cheated then had a brief problem with drinking and quit (for the first time around). My dad comes from his own alcoholic family and my grandmother had a major prescription drug problem, which I ironically the similar personality attracted him to my mom. He definitely has his own co-dependency issues and is pretty great at always being critical towards me. I think I remind him of my mom and his mom, and he resents it, and I'm forever trying to be a good adult daughter and seek his approval, which at this point I know I'll never get.

Back to my teenage years, my dad tried to play strict disciplinarian and correct my acting-out of drugs and skipping school with grounding and negative reinforcement. However, I'd already become the enabler for my mom and hid her behaviours from my dad and stepdad. My mom would hide in the closet drinking herself into oblivion, while my stepdad would sit downstairs and watch TV and act like things were fine. So I did the same, because I got no response from pleading her to stop. I at this point wanted to go back to a normal life and go to college so I was trying to get my act together. My mom continued to deteriorate and I got into college in our city, not wanting to leave her alone. I partied hard, and let my life spiral into drinking, drugs and empty relationships, all while maintaining my perfect GPA to keep my perfect daughter appearance in my dads eyes, who was at this point had moved across the country. I went to study abroad, and my mom went from pills to cocaine to crack, me without knowing at this point. She came to visit and couldn't even pay for her hotel, all the while buying drinks for us and partying with my friends. When I got back from Spain, my childhood home had turned into a crack den, where a prostitute, drug dealer and her crackhead boyfriend were also living.

I cut off contact with her, slept on couches a few months, and then one of my friends called me and told me my mom had almost died in the hospital and checked herself into treatment. I took it upon myself with my boyfriend at the time to go reclaim my house, along with some very inept police, from the unsavoury characters which was a truly traumatising experience in and of itself. All the while my dad nor my stepdad deciding they shouldn't intervene or help me to step away from this situation.

Fast forward through a few relapses and me playing the enabler/rescuer/perfect daughter for about 5 years, and she finally has 2 years sober. I've just recently started therapy where I realised all of my residual anger that hasn't been dealt with. i just finally wrote her a letter expressing my real feelings, which I'd never done for her of hurting her or her relapse. So now while she's getting all the help she needs, I'm just struggling to stay afloat emotionally and I resent it. She'll receive my letters this week, so maybe we'll end up having a productive conversation where I actually express my real feelings after she reads them.

I've spent most of my early and mid twenties majorly seeking approval from surface friends and authority figures in toxic jobs, basing all of my self-worth on my physical appearance and sex appeal, and trying to find any sort of love and acceptance in cruelly toxic relationships. I now realise that even though I'm functioning, a recent battle with depression has shown me how numb and guarded I am. My social anxiety has become pretty extreme, and it doesn't help that I'm living in another country speaking my second language. I'm ready to surrender to the problem to get some help, I can't manage my life with this grief and these negative thinking patterns. I'm also trying to salvage my first healthy relationship with a romantic partner and grow self-love in the process. Thanks all for listening, looking forward to participating in this forum.

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Welcome to MIP, Carolina cat!

WOW, you have been through a lot! I'm glad that you found us. Check out our personal shares on the first Forum. Although we all come from different backgrounds, we share many of The Laundry List characteristics.

Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

In Recovery,

Princess K.

pkc107 · Recovering Adult Child

Hey Everyone!

I have started to consistently attend ACA meetings for the past several weeks. Since I stumbled across this site, I figured I could share my story like others have done before me.

Both of my parents are rather toxic people as they can't sustain friendships or relationships. My father is addicted to gambling. He took money from my elder brother's college fund and later sold his (the same brother's ) video game system without my brother's permission. My father continues to play the lottery three times a day on a daily basis. He also shirked his responsibilities and continues to pray and give money to the church to pray for solving personal problems. My mother is a compulsive hoarder although last I saw her she is trying to declutter. She is a helicopter parent. And to this day still wants to tell me how to live my life which I decide if it is the best course of action or not.

When I was growing up it was very difficult for me because I was getting a lot of conflicting messages. Both of my parents were sending mixed messages as they didn't share any of the same values. My parents ended up divorcing when I was 13. I've had to teach myself a lot on my own to become a more functional adult in society and I am determined to persevere so I can be successful in my own way.

Thank you for this forum and allowing me to share.

david · Guru

Hi P.

We have to become responsible at a young age. Some of us become responsible for parents and other family members too, sadly.

we tend to forgo our own childhood- fun and laughter- and get old and deadly serious before our time.

It is Christmas morning here in the deep deep south- a hot summer's day on the way- so hi... and Happy Christmas... biggrin -DavidG.

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Welcome to MIP, pkc!

Great that you are attending ACA meetings!

I also had to become a little adult fast as Mom didn't know how or want to relate to children. I was supposed to know it all and teach my younger brother. It's hard to know what is right and normal when we don't have good role models.

My parents divorced when I was 7, and Mom married another alcoholic when I was 12. I suddenly had 4 new step siblings.

Pull up a chair and join in the experience, strength, and hope on our main Forum!

In Recovery,

Princess K.

pkc107 · Recovering Adult Child

Hi David and Mrs. Snoopy!

Thank you for the warm welcome. I am slowly coming to terms with my feelings and what has happened in the past. Knowing that I am not the only one that has experienced it and sharing my feelings and experiences with those who I can trust has been cathartic.

Happy Holidays!

Thank you for having this message board for ACoAs!

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Glad you found us, pkc!

That is the miracle of recovery and this Forum. We can break the rules of dysfunction:

Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel.

Here we can share our emotions without shame or judgment. Others have been down a similar path, and understand!

In Recovery,

Princess K.

intothesea · Member

My dad always drank when I was growing up. It became especially bad during my teenage years, or perhaps it was then that I began to realize how bad it was. I spent much of those years locked in my room, afraid to come out, afraid to speak for fear of what might happen. And one night I shot my dad an angry look as I turned to go back into my room and he grabbed me by the shirt and drew his fist back to hit me. I bloodied his nose and when he regained his senses he wrestled me to the ground and I pushed him up off of me, grabbing him by the throat. I was squeezing with everything I had. In that moment, I wanted to kill him. His head was turned upward and I couldn't see his face when his blood started pouring down in my face. It was just his nose, but then I was afraid he was bleeding from his mouth and the reality of what I was doing hit me and I let go. After more of a struggle my mom helped pull him off of me, we argued some more and it was over. The next day my mom blamed me for starting the fight. The next Monday I went to the co-op program at my college and asked if there were any more jobs left open for the next semester. I found one and moved out, using the co-op program to help support myself until I graduated.

A few years later, he threatened my mom and several other family members with a gun, ran when the police were called, and the police just picked him up and brought him back home after they found him out driving drunk. The day after that he checked himself into rehab and was sober for 18 years.

My mom's parents had given them some land when my parents got married, just like they'd done for her older sister. Her younger sister had a number of issues and lived with my grandparents her whole life. So my mom had lived next door to both of her sisters and her parents her entire life. My granddad died a long time ago. A few years ago my mom's oldest sister lost a prolonged battle with heart disease. Eight months later her youngest sister died very unexpectedly. They were in their 50's. Then two months later my grandmother had a stroke and my mom had to make the decision to take her off of the feeding tubes and IVs to let her pass.

My mom's sadness was inconsolable and my dad in his insatiable selfishness only became frustrated with her and didn't understand. He decided it was a good idea to just start drinking again. When confronted he said he has no desire to stop and is drinking heavily with the intent of dying as soon as possible. There have been incidents that make the event that caused him to go into rehab the first time seem moderate by comparison. My mom refuses to divorce him or simply leave, although I think she may be considering the possibility of leaving now. I am almost as furious with her for letting my soul rot in that awful hell as a child as I am with him. I don't understand why she didn't love me enough to take care of me and I am highly conflicted at the thought of taking her in now, even though I know she is being tormented daily, because I'm struggling so much myself and she is so helplessly dependent on someone else to take care of her. I really want to repair the damage that has been done to me, and I don't think I can do that with her around me.

For my own part, I married the female, non-alcoholic version of my dad. I have always really struggled just to make basic conversation and form connections with people, and I'd never had a relationship that lasted more than a few months, and NO relationships that ever good. My wife acted like she really wanted me and even though it didn't feel quite right, and even though I probably didn't love her has much as a husband probably should have, I married her anyway. I was in my late 30's and I really wanted to have kids and maybe have a chance to give someone else a better childhood than I had, so I settled. She turned out to be the second most selfish person I have ever known, and I was extremely unhappy almost from the beginning. She used me any way she could and when she didn't get affection in return for her selfishness, she began to seek affection from other people. It took me far too long to confront that problem and to do what clearly had to be done. Being married to her did give me one that that I never had before. Living with her, seeing her and all her friends and how they behave, how there are so many people who don't care about anything outside of themselves, I know that I wouldn't trade places with her or anyone else like her, ever. I have big problems, but I am fundamentally a good person who has a lot of love to give, and I've never felt that way about myself before. I don't know if I would've ever seen it so clearly without a failed marriage to someone who clearly didn't deserve me. When it began I felt like I didn't deserve any better.

Now separated, with no friends at all, losing the pets in the coming divorce, some of my closest family members dead, and my own parents having chosen death over life, coming home to an empty house, I have never felt more alone. Among all the problems I have, the biggest is that I cannot connect with people and it's clear to me now that I can't go on living this way - it is unacceptable and I *have* to change. I want to learn to connect with good people and have loving mutually beneficial relationships with them. I have no idea how to accomplish that, but I am more determined than ever to figure it out.

david · Guru

Hi Chris,

At the base of ACA are three words: "I became isolated."

The first part of The Laundry List, item One. You describe well how you got to this point. aww ...

It is a really bad space to be in. Lost.

Learning to speak up- and to reach out- is a way of beginning... wink ...

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

WOW intothesea, that is a harrowing story!! Thank you for sharing with us.

I also picked emotionally unavailable men, just like dear ole alcoholic Dad. I was fortunate to meet a man who takes responsibility for himself, who is my husband.

One thing we learn is that we can't rescue anyone else. It's up to us to understand our past, and overcome it.

Although our stories differ, many of us share The Laundry List characteristics. Through The Program we learn a better way to live. We become our Family Of Choice. https://adultchildren.org/literature/laundry-list/

I hope to see you in the main Forum; pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

In Recovery,

Princess K.

Qtip · Newbie

Ive been in Alanon for close to 20 years(!) however, I always felt meetings, working the steps, really didnt stick. That is, I only seemed to have short term ah, relief/results? I cant explain it better than that.

Currently, I am working my steps with the ACOA step book and feel this work is finally resonating with me. There are no ACOA meetings in my area so Ive never been to an ACOA meeting or had a sponser familiar with ACOA issues* Unfortunately, I have lost faith in my Alonon sponsor due to some very bizarre remarks that were made. Also, the long drives wreck havoc with my hands and arms so I am attempting to find an online sponsor :)

*Father: gang member, alcoholic, drugs, mentally & physically abusive, disappeared when I was 14, luckily!

david · Guru

Hi y'all Qtip...

ah'm posing as a southerner here... biggrin ... I was in Alanon, and still post on the MIP Alanon board. The biggest group here- so far.

Grew up in the back of beyond... but am familiar with your scenario- when I hit the city... virtually nothing would shock or surprise me...

...we used to say: welcome home... and we do mean this. But for many it takes time to get this sense of homecoming... to trust and begin to build bonds with other people.

I am taking time out from yard work to do this... a good balance. Used to work my guts out, really... blankstare ... hmm ...

I like your nym... ...I heard it first here, from my brother James... smile ...

take care, Qtip... you are worth it... ... ...

david · Guru

Oops... nearly forgot...

doing this has more or less become my signature... biggrin

we have lots of leg room and elbow room here....

Each one of us has our own individual way of doing stuff here...

...and it really truly is our own track, our own journey... smile ...

...plus we all have so very much in common- much more than we realise, at first sight... so I encourage you to stick around some more...

I, for one, will look forward to seeing your posts... biggrin ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQlVmvXAGLI

david · Guru

Oops... this clip may not show- outside of my home country...

... the backer upper...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFj6pKS5COo

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Welcome to MIP, Qtip!

I think a lot will be familiar to you coming from Al-Anon.

In my opinion, ACA deals with some of the underlying issues created by alcoholic and dysfunctional families.

Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

cloudarasoi · Newbie

Hello, everyone,

Boy, I don't even know where to start. My family is extremely dysfunctional and it's related directly to my alcoholic grandfather who ruined my dad's childhood. My dad, instead of getting the help that he needed, became a sex addict in response and married a food addict and then had six kids. Growing up, my parents were constantly screaming at each other, throwing things, being abusive, and punching walls. There were even a few incidents of physical abuse as well as sexual abuse. My house was very unstable growing up and now I'm 26 and living with my mother, who's in recovery of her food addiction. I hate being here. I hate hearing my brother and my mom argue all the time (she divorced my dad a few years ago) and I hate that I'm close to my dad. His house is seven blocks from mine, but I don't feel particularly compelled to go see him since he's abusive, dismissive, and unpleasant every time I see him.

I have C-PTSD from my childhood. I have bipolar disorder with psychotic features (basically, I'm "crazy") and I have GAD as well as fibromyalgia and chronic migraine disease. I'm currently living on disability as I can't maintain a job because of my various illnesses.

I'm here because I've been depressed lately--like, suicidal depressed. I do see a psychiatrist and a therapist and I am working through some things, but I just finished the book "Adult Children of Alcoholics" and they recommend that I find a community. So here I am.

I have five siblings, all who are in various stages of recovery. But, for the most part, they're just really dysfunctional like I am. My older brother drinks too much and my older sister smokes too much weed and my younger siblings are hot tempered and dysfunctional.

Anyway...I hope this is where I belong. It takes a lot of courage for me to admit all of that to all of you. I'm usually a painfully private person, but I'm more interested in recovery than privacy, at this point.

Best,
Cloud

david · Guru

Tick, chronic migraine... ugh! TOUGH. Pain is pain...

C-PTSD covers a lot of conditions now... this tag gave me a lot of answers- and working on the solutions now...

I am a lot older that you, Cloud... have always sought solutions... finding some; and trying hard with others... Hi! biggrin

cloudarasoi · Newbie

Chronic migraines are tough, david! They're literally disabling, unfortunately. But I do see several doctors about them and I'm always exploring new ways to manage them. My psychiatric illnesses almost frustrate me more--I'm heavily medicated as a result of all of my combined illnesses and it kinda sucks, tbh. lol. It's hard to remember to take everything.

That's great that you're finding solutions! Gives me hope. :)

david · Guru

cry or... aww ...same... it working out for me- but it does take time...

david · Guru

when i was 17- a long time ago I went to a specialist. He put me on 3 different types of pills; 10 pills a day...

I have my own journey, Cloud, from this age. One night I took one of the pills and drank a quart of whiskey...

hmmm I blacked out- even though I was walking about in a complete haze... there were some good moments in my late teens and 20's- where I believed i had answers. [These turned out to be right- long term...]

But mostly it has been a nightmare. Death warmed up.

I have been married for 36 years and have three kids. Kids did not come out unscathed... but their lives were a vast improvement on mine.

Hmmm... and think medical technology is catching up... and I believe that groups like ACA are right up here too.

We do not give advice. And most usually we only offer opinions when people ask for them.

Being heard- listened to, is the most important thing, I believe... biggrin ...

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Welcome to MIP, Cloud!

Yes, alcoholism and dysfunction are family diseases and are passed down through the generations. I didn't speak to my Dad for over 25 years.

My Family Of Origin was also chaotic and argumentative. My parents divorced when I was seven, and Mom married another alcoholic when I was 12. The arguments continued, and included four Step Siblings.

I also have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I managed a 28-year career with the State and made it through some pretty tough jobs where I was bullied.

I'm glad you are getting help for your suicidal thoughts; that is nothing to play with.

It sounds like this is right where you belong! Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

Naturalmama406 · Newbie

Hi I'm new to ACOA but I am currently doing a workbook with my cousin who grew up the same. We both grew up with alcoholic fathers and codependent mothers. The workbook is called "repeat after me" by Claudia black. So far it's very challenging to do the activities. Especially because it brings up a lot of turmoil that I can't talk to anyone about in my family except my cousin and we live far away from each other. We have been trying to touch base over the phone once a week. I know I need to do the 12 steps. I'm just not entirely sure how to do that other than journaling. I'm sure an alanon group might help too as I'm dealing with an ex that is a good father of my child but has severe addiction to weed. His behavior is that of an alcoholic narcissist. We get along great now that we are t together because I'm great at being codependent.

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Welcome to MIP, Naturalmama!

In my case, I had an alcoholic Dad and Stepdad and a Narcissistic Mom.

There are many ways to work the Steps. Journaling and talking with your cousin is a great one! A Sponsor who has been through them could be good, too.

I'm sure you will discover a lot about yourself and ways that life can be better with recovery!

tomatkins1955 · Newbie

My story is simple and not simple. My father was an alcoholic. I didn't realize how much that had affected me until about 15 years ago when I was faced with a divorce from a woman I loved dearly, but who had borderline personality disorder and blew up her life and my families. So for the first time I went into therapy and discovered (among a lot fo other things) the effect of growing up with my father had on my adult life and feelings. I did a lot of work around that for years and thought I had mostly put it to bed.

Two years ago I got married. I did not realize when I got married that the woman I love was an alcoholic. Now I am in a marriage with an alcoholic and so many of those feelings are coming back. I need to re-look at the effects of my childhood, and discover some way to begin dealing with these feelings before her alcoholism destroys me and our marriage.

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Welcome to MIP, tomatkins!

My Father and Stepfather were alcoholics. My Dad died of alcoholism and my Stepdad found AA.

I also found out about ACA through therapy. The light bulb went on, and the more I read the brighter it got!

In ACA we work on ourselves and the effect our alcoholic/dysfunctional families had on us. I'm 64, and still carry that baggage around!

Welcome to the family! Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

CP · Newbie

Hi I am Claire and I am powerless over my emotions-that's what we say in the 12 step group emotions anonymous. I have been in it for 25 years and have worked the steps.

BUT now I see that I need a new program and this seems to fit me to a T. The laundry list is me. I am 55 but inside I feel 6. I am terrified of everything especially change. I grew up with a mentally ill mother and I did not get along with my father. My mother taught me to fear the world and to not leave the house. Luckily I did not totally succumb to her lessons. I do function quite well but I FEEL awful inside-fearful and depressed a lot. I have a therapist who says it is amazing that I am functional given my past. Having a severely depressed mother is considered a trauma. She was bipolar and would even get psychotic at times. In and out of psych wards. My father traveled a lot for business and worked long days.

I like to say that I was raised by wolves! A few special angels and my siblings and friends have helped me along the way thank God. And teachers. I got mothering from them.

But no one taught me how to be a healthy adult.

I am hoping to work the steps in this new program. I am trying to understand how to use the message board. Everything new scares me, including this.

Thank you for being there and reading this! Claire

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Welcome to MIP, Claire!!

In my humble opinion (IMHO), ACA gets at some of the root causes of addictions and other dysfunctions. It's not easy, but definitely worth it!! And we are worth it!!! biggrin

We were all new at one time! Just ask if you have any questions.

pheonixheart · Newbie

Hi. Though I've had this big red book for 2 yrs, I am just opening it now. I just didn't want to go there.

The short story is: My father was an alcoholic who died of liver cirrhosis when I was 8 yrs old. Two years later my mother remarried. Though my stepfather did not drink, he had (and still has) a mental illness that went un-diagnosed until I was well into my 20's and had been long moved out of the house. I'm not sure which stage was more chaotic, living with an alcoholic father or a mentally and emotionally unstable stepfather. And through it all, my mother did her all to 'save' both of them, while her only daughter grew up fending for herself while being told I was the crazy one. I was the bad one. I should've known better. I should've understood more. I don't remember a childhood, I remember living in a house that was like navigating ever-shifting land mines. The safest time I felt was when I was left alone (which was alot)... but even that didn't feel safe because, well...I was a child left all alone.

Now, 20+ yrs later, I've moved back closer to my parents (mom and step-dad) for the first time in my adult life. At first, I fell right back into the dysfunction. But I now see it for what it is, and see how it has brought me down into my own black hole. These issues I already thought I faced have come up again full force. And issues and emotions I never even thought of. I'm hoping to make sense of this. I'm hoping to regain a sense of normalcy in my own life, and I know only I can help myself get there. I am starting to see how these ACOA issues have affected my own adult life, but frankly, I feel like I am in shock of it all. Right now it all just seems completely confusing. "Normalcy' seems so out of reach. How can I get to 'normal', if I don't even know what that feels like? But I DO know what it DOESN'T feel like, and I know I can't live that way.

So here I am with this big red book. On step one. And I am so grateful to have found an ACOA forum where I can maybe feel SAFE for the first time.

Thank you.

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Welcome, Phoenix!!

We share some common threads.

My Mom married an alcoholic who died of it in 1994. She divorced him when I has 12, and married another alcoholic. The household (with my brother and 4 step siblings) was very chaotic with a lot of arguing. I went off to college when I was 18, and she forced him into rehab and he found AA.

I was the oldest, and was supposed to know everything and fend for myself. I was responsible for making sure my brother did everything right, too.

I also don't remember much of my childhood. Unfortunately, most of those who were there are no longer living.

It's pretty common for ACAs not to know what normal is. We have never been shown. I think we discover our own normal.

I encourage you to take little baby steps in recovery; it's a big deal, and you don't have to do it all at once!!

This is a safe place to share our recovery journeys.

Orange · Guru

Welcome Phoenix!

LizLopez · Member

Im 30 years old and my partner of 6 years recently left me after enough was enough for him. I seek control, fear abandonment , am often very negative due to low self esteem, pick fights for excitement - all the good stuff. He could no longer take care of himself as a result and had to leave for his own good. I am sad and lost. I am hoping this program will help me. I come from a very dysfunctional immigrant family. My dad was an abusive alcoholic - physically and emotionally to my mother, sexually to my sisters and I was always just afraid of him. He was authoritative, hyper religious, and just not well. I learned later in life that my grandmother was also an alcoholic and treated him horribly - he began living alone and drinking at around 12. When the sexual abuse came to light , he was deported and sent to jail when I was six. My mom was very absent emotionally, short tempered and although I knew she loved us she really did not show it. She was too focussed on raising 5 kids alone in a new country, and worried about her 6th child back home who was deaf and with her parents. He is still back home today, my father has made bringing him here next to impossible in how he filled out the paper work at the time. Long story - but this has also caused a lot of pain and guilt to be felt by all of us. My sisters watched me most of the time growing up, my mom was usually so tired and sleeping on the couch or making dinner to really spend time with us. This was troubling for me however because my sisters were really mean to me. I realize now they were jealous because they felt my mom was nicer to me than them and so they took it out on me . I was always called annoying, made fun of for being emotional , called ugly, pushed away when I wanted to hang out with them. When I cried for attention they would shame me for it. I developed really bad separation anxiety after my dad left. We were always moving, from one home, school or city to the next. We were poor and knew it. My mom dated a few men here and there who were no good. I saw my mom get strangled at a young age, had to call the cops . We lived in a shelter for about a year. I was embarrassed. It was always something and its been a lot to handle . Today I am the definition of an adult child and my relationships have suffered as a result. I need help, I need hope. I want to be happy and learn how to love in a healthy way. I need this to work.

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Liz}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks for sharing, and welcome to MIP!!

I hear some of my own story in yours.

My Dad was a womanizing alcoholic. After they divorced, Mom was more interested in finding another husband than looking after us. She was a "cold fish" who really didn't want kids.

This resulted in me having the ACA traits. I have been in The Program a while, and I assure you that there is hope for a better life!

Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

shiloh · Newbie

I'm new

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Share your story here.

kmwilson2 · Newbie

Hi, my name is Katrina. I'm 19 years old and I'm a sophomore in college. My whole life my mother had always liked to drink, it started to get bad when I was 10 years old. Not only was she drinking but she was using drugs as well. I have an older brother who was 12 at the time and a younger brother who was 8. For some reason they didn't pay as close attention to it as I did. My dad continued to try to help for a couple of years until it got so bad that it was out of his hands. The only memories I remember that were with my mom are bad memories. I'm still trying to figure out how it has affected the rest of my family but before I do that I think I need to fix how it effected me. I went through so many things that no young girl should have to go through. I've watched my mom try to kill herself, I've seen my mom go in and out of rehab, I've seen my mom choose drugs and alcohol over her family so many times that I've lost count. I have so many of the traits listed on the laundry list. I can never say no to anyone.. ever, no matter how much I try. In some cases it makes me seem like a good person and in others its ruining me and my reputation. I'm not ready to get into detail about the thing that I can't say no to thats affecting me the most. All I know is that it's becoming too much and I need something or someone to help me. I want to be happy with my life and I'm not at all, I really need this to work.

-- Edited by kmwilson2 on Wednesday 25th of September 2019 11:33:38 PM

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Katrina}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Welcome to MIP! It sounds like you are in exactly the right place.

I'm sorry that you had to witness things that no child should see.

In ACA we learn that there is only one person we can change, and they are staring at us in the mirror.

ACA Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.

This is a safe place to share our stories; no judgment or criticism. Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

KGS30819 · Member

Hi everyone. My name is Kayla. I have been with this group for about one month now and am ready to share a bit more of my story. My mother has been emotionally ill since I was very young. Her father was an alcoholic and she grew up in an abusive environment. Fast forward to my adolescent years, my mother has mental health issues that were unrecognized and untreated. My father was in the military service and not around very often so she used me as a confidant with all of her issues at the ripe age of 10. She relied heavily on my emotional support and blamed me for not making her feel better. She confessed to me that she wanted to kill herself and from that point forward, I was codependent. She became an alcoholic within a couple years. My dad remained absent from the home due his work demands and his own preference. I followed his footsteps in the military and I can understand that he did not prioritize us, work was just his excuse. My dad was also verbally abusive to my family. I have always been a very serious person, and felt very responsible for things, people, events around me. I've carried resentment for this responsibility and felt used, never expecting that I have worth because of who I am, not what I do. I have taken on a burden to be the support system for my family, who now has more severe health issues and demands more now than ever. I hit my bottom when I returned from a work related exercise for 30 days, to hear my spouse tell me that I'm not doing enough - that he is unhappy and I need to start making changes. I would love to just say that he is a jerk and that his feelings are his responsibility, but I had a complete meltdown. I have responsibility in creating this unrealistic expectation that I can impact his personal happiness. I have always been the rescuer. I rescued him after a terrible a divorce and took him and his two children in. I sacrificed my personal wellbeing so that I could provide him emotional support after he became unemployed, even though I was dealing with severe post partum depression that he didn't even care to notice. I allowed him to treat me this way, to think that he matters more than me and after my meltdown - I decided no more. I must find a better way to live. My mother is still an alcoholic. She is in recovery, but not in a program just abstaining through the use of antibuse medication. Her illness will not consume me anymore. My husband seems to be seriously trying to create a drinking problem for himself. He drinks nearly daily and is in denial that he has a problem. I will not stand by any longer and allow myself to be the victim of alcoholism or codependency any longer. I have myself to look out for and the most amazing son. I do have worth and value. I am an incredible mother and I want to feel good about myself show my son a healthier environment.

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Thanks for sharing your story, Kayla.

Wow, she told you that she wanted to kill herself??? That is more than any kid should have to bear.

This is a great place to explore what happened or is happening, and how we can make a better life.

We do deserve it!!!

CayceFriend · Veteran Member

Dear Kayla
Thanks for sharing your story. I admire how clear and amazingly "detached" you seem...almost clinical in your revelation. You seem to have
the kind of mind that would make an excellent therapist. Just wow.
My mother was also mentally ill and alcoholic and also burdened me with many "adult" situations. I was helping balance the checkback at about 12 years old and became constantly stressed as to how little money we had and how easily she was using it up for booze, cigarettes and fashion pilgrimages for herself, leaving us kids hungry and neglected for the most part.
Your message shows such strength and courage.
I am so glad you've made yourself known to us on this board. I find I heal when I read/hear other's stories. The indentification of
"I'm not the only one" and "I can make it too" has real power for me.
I hope you keep sharing your wisdom, strength and hope with us.

Blessings

Linda

Elizabeth in Lexington NC · Newbie

I am a 45 y.o. woman, recently separated from a toxic marriage and a mother to a 5 y.o. boy. If I wasn't acutely aware of the trauma being inflicted on my son from watching his parents constantly fight and hurt each other then I would probably still be living in the midst of it. In a search for answers, after years of betrayal, confusion and pain, I had to face the fact that I was married to a very damaged man who most likely had an undiagnosed personality disorder, NPD or BPD or both. Coming to accept this begged the question of why I had fallen into another toxic abusive partnership (previously I was in a 14 year relationship with a woman who was an addict and suffered from CPTSD from her own abusive and dysfunctional childhiod) especially when I thought I had so carefully chosen a man who, at first, seemed to be so gentle and kind. I thought I had delt with my codependency issue in my precious relationship. I had attended al-anon, worked the steps, read 'Boundaries' and 'Codependant No More'. I have always longed for healthy relationships but always got drawn into the exact opposite. It, of course, all stems from my FOO. Dysfunctional toxic people draw me in, hold my interest and then I slip into my people pleasing, fawning, super-loving, fixer, codependant supporter mode. It's what I was trained for. My Mother was diagnosed Bipolar and later with Dissociative Identity Disorder. My Father had a horrible hair-trigger temper when present, and avoided being home as much as he could via work and leasure activities (hunting/fishing). Neither of my parents drank though my Mother did have an eating disorder. Both of my parents had alchoholic parents themselves but their parents hadn't been drunks while raising them, my paternal Grandfather and my Maternal Grandmother took to drinking later in their lives. I have come to believe that my Maternal Grandfather was a sex addict and narcissist, his wife, my Grandmother, started drinking to cope. She was sexually abused by her stepfather and verbally and emotionally abused by her narcissistic mother. My paternal Grandfather's mother spent time in mental institutions and was probably bipolar or suffered from CPTSD herself. It just goes on and on, the toxic family tree. My Father's rage attacks, verbal only (or on inanimate objects) were most always directed towards my Mother. I now believe they were more accurately described as reactive abuse from my Mother's crazy-making, passive-aggressive, covert emotional manipulation campaigns. She is highly egocentric, always plays the victim, and has a way of putting you down and shaming without you even knowing what's happened. You just always feel guilty, wrong, unloving, inadequate, not-enough. She was always suffering and it was always because of someone else. I grew up walking on eggshells between both parents. Afraid to set off my Father's unpredictable temper on one side, and afraid of upsetting my Mother on the other. If she got too upset she dissolved into tears or was triggered into a vegetative depressed state or a constant litany of grievances which my guilt would force me to listen intently to. Or the worst case, put in the hospital for awhile because she would have a psychotic break from the stress of her life. I was my Mother's little counselor, always present and calming. She sufered from panic attacks and was easily emotionally disregulated. So instead of an emotional suppport dog-she had me, her emotional support daughter. I suffered from chronic stomach aches, throat infections (no voice to stand up for myself or even find the words to explain why everything at home was horribly wrong) and crushing social anxiety. My older sister dealt with the oppressive and dysfunctional homelife by either escaping into ficton books or mercilessly picking on and bullying me. I now understand that I suffered from emotional incest and parental alienation syndrome. I was constantly told how abusive and horrible my Father was. She was a verbal processor and I was quiet and present, so I heard everything. Things that she should have never shared with her child. She always projected that she was a loving, sacrificing, super-nurturing and protective Mother. Her whole identity was wrapped up in being our Mother. But I felt exploited. I realized that she actually loved the idea of me and how I reflected on her more than she loved the actual me. There's still a lot for me to unpack there. So no I'm finally focusing on me. I've spent my whole life trying to figure out and 'help' other people and now it's time to focus my energy on helping myself. Of course I can't help but realize my main motivation for doing this-helping myself-is to set a good example for my son. I don't want him to have to spend most of his life healing from a dysfunctional childhood. He spends time with his Father who is very immature emotionally, arrested really, and I need to be the best version of myself to compensate. Is that also codependant? I don't think so because as his Mother, I am responsible for Mothering him to the best of my ability-with God's help. This turned into quite the ramble! I hope to find a group to plug into and a sponsor very soon.

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Welcome to MIP, Elizabeth!

That is also my middle name!

I also went from one toxic relationship with an alcoholic/dysfunctional boyfriend to another. It gave me a sour view of men, when in reality my "picker" was broken. I could pick an alkie out of a crowded room! They seemed nice at first, but then turned once they got me hooked. Much harder to get rid of them!

My Narcissistic Mother argued all the time with my Father and Stepfather. My Brother and I tried to stay out of it. I could never meet her standards of perfection.

She also was all about looking good. As long as she looked like the perfect Mom and I looked like the perfect Daughter, all was good. But in reality, I was a burden preventing her from succeeding in life, or that was her excuse.

Here we are Fellow Travelers who share our experience, strength, and hope. Pull up a chair and join in! The good stuff is on the Main Page (see the link in the upper left).

r_esther · Newbie

Excuse any grammar mistakes please, English isnt my native language. Im 21 and ever since I remember my father has been an alcoholic, even though I didnt want to admit it to myself until recently. He was simply drinking in the past, but by time it got a lot worse, he became mentally ill, depressed and lost interest in everything. He slowly ruined our family life. He got so drunk at family harvests that they didnt invite us anymore, becaue it was very uncomfortable for everyone, except him. Than he got drunk on the family vacations two years in a row, so we didnt went anymore. Than for the last 5 years hes been drunk all through Christmas days, so I dont have anyi joy in that too, anymore. I slowly stopped inviting friends over, since I was afraid he would embarass me. Salvation came when I moved out and went to university 200km-s away, and moved in with my boyfriend. But than his behavior got worse, my grandma got sick, and he handled the situation with drinking like insane. It went like this for a month, but then he got a bit better. About a year ago he started acting weird, I swear he got insane from all the alcohol, and he was always picking on my mother for everything. Than the covid lockdown came, and thankfully I spent it in my flat with my bf but when I came home after 2,5 months it was terrible. He literally drank all his brains away. My mom couldnt handle it anymore, she told me he was falling every single day, he broke his skull (!!), he wasnt eating, he was walking naked, throwing up everywhere, constantly swearing, making a mess, breaking everything, peeing himself. So finally my mom moved out (she tried to make him move out but he was so stubborn) and she is a lot happier now, but he is constantly calling her on the phone and its annoying and scary. He was actually very drunk for 3 month constantly, he lost 15kg-s weight and I cant imagine how hes still alive. Than he was finally sober for the past 6 weeks, it was nice, I visited him every day when I was in my hometown (hes very kind and intelligent when hes sober, but a completely different person when drunk, hes mean and selfish, calls us names, and very uncomfortable to be around, hes also very negative). But yesterday, when I came home again, after two weeks, he was so wasted that I didnt even visited him (only talked on the phone) and I also dont want to tomorrow. Its not our problem anymore, we tried to convince him about rehab countless times. I know Its not my or my moms fault. As for now I feel like the only solution is that if he dies. Im sorry I know its not nice to say, but I dont want to deal with him anymore. When hes sober I feel incredibly sad for him, when hes drunk Im so angry, I cant take it anymore. Im proud of myself because I know Im already a lot better than him, but I realise how the scars from my schildhood affect my present personality. It would be nice to hear other peoples stories about how they dealt with it and overcame these problems and became successful and happy. Thank you!

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Welcome to MIP, esther!!

My Dad and Stepdad were also alcoholics. I never knew when Dad was drunk, because he was "lit" all the time. Fortunately, Stepdad found AA.

As you mentioned, the scars from your childhood effect you. In ACA, we focus on recovering from our past. There is only one person we can save, and that is ourself.

Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope on the Main Page!!

Orange · Guru

Thanks for sharing, esther. Welcome to MIP!

Finding_Who_I_Am · Newbie

Hi. My name is Stephanie. Im a 41 year old adult child of an alcoholic. My dad has long since passed from his alcoholism but I find its still affecting me today. I need help. I need to work on me for a while.

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Welcome to MIP, Stephanie!!

You'll find lots of experience, strength, and hope (ES&H) on our Main Page. When you feel comfortable, jump in and share with us!

We walk together on our recovery journeys.

Finding_Who_I_Am · Newbie

Thanks for the welcome. Ive been reading messages. So much resonates with me.

Orange · Guru

Hi Stephanie! Thank you for sharing. Welcome to MIP!

Frieda · Veteran Member

Hi there

Please excuse my English if its not always correct, its not my native language and Im trying my best

After many years of trying to fix myself (therapy, medication, life-coach and lots of self helping books) I recently came across the laundry list, related to it and realised how I never saw the obvious root of all my problems: the alcoholism of my father! For many years I looked at myself trying to figure out whats exactly wrong with me and how I could fix it, not realising how exactly this pattern of thought was nurtured during my upbringing resulting from the long term effects of the alcohol. The belief of how something is inherently wrong with myself.
I fall into the category of the invisible/lost child. My father was unpredictable. Sometimes he cried a lot, he was brutal towards our pets, he threatened to kill himself or my mom, often he was hiding and watching me to see something he could attack me about and he always found something. Just a few times he was violent, most of the times screaming at me, making me feel how wrong everything is that I say, feel or do. There are many horrible situations which got stuck in my head. Anytime my mom met another man. She wanted to start a new life with him and me and I agreed because I liked him a lot and hoped for a better life. When the divorce papers arrived we didnt even sleep at home because we were afraid of my father. Not much later he killed my moms new partner. We are very certain that he actually wanted to kill my mom this night. I was 11 years old at that time. After this night I never saw my father again, except later in court. Back then it was all over the newspaper, mostly portraying my father as the victim of a cheating wife. In school other students pointed with their fingers at me, calling me the daughter of a murderer. My mom was also a different person after all that had happend. When I was 14 she tried to kill herself and I found her. For a very long time I was scared she could do it again and started being her emotional support. Sometimes I found her crying, sitting in a dark room and often I was even scared to look for her, afraid I could find her dead. After all, she was the one giving me love at the times she still could.

Today I can see how horrific all must have been for me as a child, but how I never looked at myself as a child. I can see now how you cant grow into a mentally healthy person going through this and that all my struggles are a normal outcome. Still knowing this I cant get out of my skin. I often catch myself tiptoeing in my own apartment, feel tension when I hear people outside, I love being alone but also feel so lonely. I have a huge anxiety problem and constantly feel guilty about the smallest things. I also often dont know what I want and feel like moving through life without direction.

-- Edited by Frieda on Monday 10th of May 2021 10:58:25 AM