Online Meetings Tuesday 7:00 PM Eastern in the Meeting Room

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Share your story here.

mamalioness · Moderator_in service

Frieda. I so relate to the hell you went through as a child. My sperm donor was a monster. He was a serial sex offender and any young minor girl would do including me. I had to put up with him molesting me all through my teenage years or he would kill a pet or beat my mother again or beat one of my younger brothers he was good with blackmail and threats and he was a definite narcissistic homicidal antisocial personality. He was dangerous and I knew it even as a kid. You didnt cross him because somebody would die and usually it would be an innocent pet I know he murdered my German Shepherd, my mother finally confessed to me because I would not give up looking for her and finally my poor mother told me the truth. That bastard was the worst pile of manure I can even think of. Everything he touched everything! He either soiled or destroyed or killed. So I know what its like to feel unworthy, to feel inferior because I wasnt big enough and old enough to fight him off. I tried to poison him with ant poison to kill him to get rid of him but it didnt work it just made him sick and my mom caught on and she wouldnt let me have access to his food anymore and I think it was to protect me from going to jail. But yeah some of the crap that some of us went through I wouldnt wish on anybody so Im just picking up the pieces day by day piece by piece and I am making a life for myself I am not a victim anymore I will not let anyone who has Not proven to me they are trustworthy close enough to me to hurt me again. I used to put up walls. Now I put up chain-link fences yes they keep the bed out but I dont want to lock the good out either but it takes a person time and sustained good fruit to earn my trust. And I do have much healthier relationships now. Please keep coming back this program works and you are worth it

Val_L · Newbie

Hello - I've joined this board less than half an hour before the Tuesday 11:00 CST meeting starts.

Not a newbie, though - first went to Al-Anon from 2002-2008.
Was married to an A (in recovery) from 2004-2009.
But I always noticed I spent a LOT more time in meetings talking about my family of origin than about issues dealing directing with the A himself.
Lotta trauma and dysfunction in my family, though to look at our perfect-white-suburban-family presentation you'd never guess it.
Spent much of my life thinking I was the problem, and they were happy to agree.
As of this week I am estranged from my brother, and I have a feeling my parents might have to follow.
It's affecting my husband and daughter, but I won't let that happen.

Thanks.

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Welcome to MIP, Val!

The chat meeting is 6 pm CST; I hope you made it!

The ACA Problem statement says, in part: We either became alcoholics (or practiced other addictive behavior) ourselves, or married them, or both. https://adultchildren.org/literature/problem/

I've had my share of alcoholic/dysfunctional fiances and boyfriends. And I am distanced from my FOO, except for my Stepbrother. Separation doesn't have to be permanent if we can learn to deal with our family while maintaining our serenity.

Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

gentlemangoogoo · Newbie

Hey everyone my name is Gentle Man Goo Goo - I am the first in my family to stick with ACA - Come from a long line of dysfunctional alcoholics - Fun times lol - Add me on Facebook to connect - I'm into the Disney show "So Weird', "Charmed", Pizza, & "Buffy" - I also like Florence & the Machine, Lana del rey, Lady gaga, A tribe called red, Foster the people, Biggie Smalls, & Kate Bush.

www.facebook.com/gentlemangoogoo

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Welcome to MIP, Gentle Man Goo Goo!

I'm glad you are breaking the family cycle of dysfunction.

Check out our shares on the Main Page!!

Blue Bathrobe · Member

Hi,

I am glad to have found this group. I previously tried to go to Al-Anon meetings, but I didn't quite feel at home there, although looking at my life through a codependent lens has helped me.

From what my therapy experience and my research has taught me, I'm a pretty textbook example of a child from a dysfunctional household. My mom had an alcoholic father and is a codependent and my father likely had an undiagnosed mental illness. There was domestic violence and a lot of chaos. We were poor, and whatever working appliances we had in the house (including the toilet) my father would smash when he was angry to punish us. I was definitely the lost child and often neglected. That was fine with me (or so I thought) - I just hid somewhere and read. I did very well in school and excelled. You wouldn't know something was going on. We learned to get by on very little love.

When my mother finally left my father he assaulted her and went to jail. It was front page of the newspaper. It was humiliating and confusing but for the first time in my life, I felt safe because I knew my mom was safe. Although she was my 1 semi-functional parent, she never took responsibility for her bad parenting and because my father was so terrible, it was easy to deflect blame. But she was not emotionally available, which I came to understand in adulthood. She did try, and on my better days I try to remember the good things. I know she feels a lot of guilt.

I also have a medical condition that makes me look different and is a source of emotional pain for me. As a child I felt like a huge burden to my family. They pretended it didn't exist, so I pretended it didn't exist. But walking through the world with a deformity is different. I felt very alone.

Many members of my family have done considerable work on themselves, so I am lucky to have a supportive family in adulthood. I also have some wonderful friends and I do a good job with reaching out to new people and joining groups when I'm feeling lonely. I'm just tired. I'm grateful to have found this forum. I never would have been able to articulate this at a live meeting and I really don't like being vulnerable with strangers who want to make eye contact. wink

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Welcome to MIP, Blue Bathrobe!!

I think you will find that we have many comonalities. Alcohol does not have to be present for a family to be dysfunctional. There are also Grandchildren of Alcoholics (see reading).

There is a lot of cross-over in the groups for dysfunction, codependency, mental illness, etc.

Yes, you are lucky to have a supporting family. Many of us don't speak to our Family Of Origin.

Most of our sharing is on the Main Page, which is only viewable by Members. This page can be seen on the Internet; mamalioness or I can move your share if you wish.

Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!!

RiverN · Newbie

Hi, I'm River, and I'm an ACA.

I have been learning that I was abused horribly as a child by my parents, grandparents and once, by a family friend. This led me to therapy, and eventually mental health diagnosis. Recently, I overdosed on psychiatric meds with the hopes of not waking up in the morning, and my therapist highly recommended ACA as a means of dealing with the dysfunction in my family of origin and getting my life back. I am doing 30 meetings in 30 days, and am looking for new meetings to try (particularly LGBTQ+ meetings.) I have been working in the Loving Parent Guidebook, as I wait for my 12 step and Laundry List workbooks. So far I've met River-10, River-16, and my critical parent as I try to develop my loving parent.

Thank you so much for this space, and thank you for listening.

mamalioness · Moderator_in service

Welcome River, you are not alone..I attempted suicide a couple of times myself (hanging, drugs, etc) but HP must have a purpose for me because I am still here...I want to go to my next life, naturally, and with less baggage...this program is helping me do that

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Welcome to MIP, River!!

I was chronically depressed before I found ACA. If I had continued like that, I probably would not be here today.

Through ACA, I learned that my depression was rooted in my childhood; I was programmed to fail.

No child should have to go through what we did.

Here, we walk together on our recovery journey!

We have a text chat meeting in our Chat Room 7:00 pm (Eastern) on Tuesdays.

Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

Blue Bathrobe · Member

Thank you, Mrs_Snoopy! This is helpful. I might take you up on moving this to the private section. Thank you!

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Let us know, Blue Bathrobe....

breeeezy · Newbie

Hi everyone! I am new here, and I just have to say that reading all of your stories have been very helpful so far! It is hard for me to tell my story, because I honestly feel like I am being disingenuous somehow, or like I should have no right to be here sharing when there are people going through worse things. But I am hoping to lighten this burden I have been carrying. My parents were both heavy drinkers, especially after my sister was born when I was 6. At that point, my mom really started to hate herself, and in turn me, a lot more. Every little insecurity she had about herself, she would then project onto me, so I was then told I was fat, ugly, boring, too emotional, too sensitive, lazy, slutty you name it. Whenever I did not do something exactly perfectly, she would tell me I had failed. I was only allowed to participate in activities that she wanted me to, because it didnt seem to matter what actually made me happy. I struggled with eating disorders, but everyone around me just ignored it. When I started having anxiety-induced seizures at 10, she acted like I was making it up. When I told her at 12 years old that I had tried to end my own life, she ignored me and did nothing. She lied to my doctor for years, telling them that she had brought me to see different doctors when she hadnt. The worst part about it all was always that I believed that no one would listen to me or help me. And now, at 26, I still struggle to open up to any kind of doctor, or anyone really, because I do not trust that anyone will actually help. I have now been in a relationship for over 6 years with a very loving person, who thankfully is willing to take the time to try to understand where I am coming from, and has been patient with me while I try to improve. However, I am constantly feeling guilty because I catch so many unhealthy behavior and communication patterns on my part and I know that he deserves better. I just want to stop living out my childhood over and over again every time I keep acting it out in my present life, and I am hoping that this program can help me stop living in the past, and finally create a healthy, secure life for myself that I can actually allow myself to enjoy.

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Welcome to MIP, breeeezy!!

We all have our story; none are "better" or "worse" than the other; they are ours.

Wow, that is a lot to dump on a six year old.

I'm sorry that you tried to end your own life at 12, and no one paid attention to your pain.

That is the goal of ACA; that we stop living out our dysfunctional childhoods.

Pull up a chair, and check out our personal shares on the Main Page (see link above).

Ders · Newbie

I am 37 years old, and I was raised by high-functioning alcoholics. My mother and father have been heavy drinkers as far back as I can remember. As a kid I thought that everyone's parents passed out in the living room floor, slept into the late afternoon, or let the electricity and water get shut off sometimes. I remember one weekend our power was turned off in the dead of winter, so we had to go stay at my grandmother's house. My parents were very angry about this situation, so they were hitting the sauce extra hard all weekend. My brother and I were playing around in the garage, and I did something that set my father off. He lifted me up by my arm and beat me until I went to the bathroom on myself. I remember catching quick glances of the other kids' and adults' shocked faces as he angrily twirled me through the air and beat me. I think I was around 7 years old. My mother checked on me the next day, and saw the damage he had done to my buttocks (it was severely bruised and I had trouble sitting down for a few days). Always the enabler, she told me to make sure I never do whatever I did to "set him off" again. To this day I still have no idea what I could've done.

As an adult now, I didn't think that it would be an issue in my life since I'm able to take care of myself now. There are times of the day when I know I cannot call or accept a call from my parents. I have kids of my own, but they rarely spend time with my parents due to their lack of responsibility. The last time they watched them for a few hours (I am a theatre actor and had a show that night), they got so drunk that they couldn't even function. Any time I mention that I wish they'd stop drinking they tell me to mind my own business.

I am new to ACOA, so if this is the wrong message board for this type of story I apologize. I am so glad to see that I am not alone in this anymore. I look forward to attending an in-person meeting soon!

Mrs_Snoopy · Member

Thanks for sharing, Ders and welcome to MIP!

My Dad and Stepdad were a highly functioning alcoholics and Mom was Narcissistic. I also thought my family was "normal".

I believe that you are in the right place! Have you seen The Laundry List?

Your parents are right that their drinking is not your business. There is only one person we can change, and that is ourself!

We have a chat meeting 7 pm EST Tuesdays.

P.S.: We are anonymous here; you may not want your full name and date of birth in your profile.

abcdefghijenn · Newbie

Hi! My name is Jenn. I am so glad I discovered this group. I grew up in a very dysfunctional household, and the dysfunction continues to this day. My dad has a serious mental illness, specifically schizoaffective d/o depressive type. He attempted suicide when I was about 10 years old (Im 25 now). This caused a lot of stress on my family. My dad got help the help he needed for the depressive symptoms, but thats when the verbal abuse and gaslighting started. His verbal abuse which was mostly comments and remarks related to how I look led to me developing bulimia in my teens. I think the reason for that was partly me just hating myself but also because I felt like it gave me some type of control if that makes sense. That bulimia morphed into binge eating disorder in my adulthood which Im not receiving help for. BED caused me to gain 150 pounds since receiving help Im down 40 pounds. I have a lot more to go but Ill get there. On top of the verbal abuse directed towards me, my dad also directed those behaviors towards my mother. She confided in me many times growing up and still does. Their relationship is very dysfunctional and arguing was almost constant growing up. I always felt the need to fix things and still do honestly. I was often the mediator when my parents were fighting. Moving out of the home did wonders for me. About 8 months ago though my dad started experiencing a relapse of his schizoaffective and depressive symptoms. Old patterns repeat themselves I guess and I find myself still being the therapist of the family (I guess it doesnt help that Im an LMSW currently going for my LCSW). My dad calls me crying often and Im so afraid of losing him that Im having a hard time setting boundaries. These last few months have retraumatized me and I have been feeling so anxious to the point that I feel sick. Im also so angry. Im angry at my mom for her behavior and I have a lot of anger towards my father who cries out for help but refuses to put any work in to better himself. Im wondering where I should get started in this group. Im new to this site as of today.

Dafydd22 · Guru

Hi Jenn... smile ...

I am an oldtimer, returning here.

Next week we have our first live ACA meeting, in these valleys.

We plan to meet monthly for a start.

We have gotten good support from Alanon, NA and AA- being seen a part of the twelfth Step family.

I learned a lot about this with these Miracles in Progress boards. smile

Learning to trust, is tough, at first.

And finding other people who are worthy of our trust.

It does take time. biggrin

but, for me, it has worked out.

Welcome home. aww aww aww ...

mamalioness · Moderator_in service

Welcome to all the newcomers. On our main page weve got all kinds of great stuff: step worksheets and just recovery questions and lots of love and caring and sharing. Glad yall are here

Beafar4844 · Newbie

Hello All-

I am new here thanks to a Devine Intervention. I was at the right place, at the right time, with a person I never met; but had been praying for.

Life for me was tough growing up. My dad was a recovering alcoholic and addict. My mom was a very codependent, people pleaser. Growing up I was sexually molested by a few different people, became pregnant at 14, a mom at 15 and a Wife at 18.

I grew up fast to say the least. However, my story starts when I found out my husband of 13 years, the father of my kids was sexually molesting our children.

At that time my children were 15, 11 and 5. The abuse had been happening for years before I found out. I found out when we linked our phones together and his google photos showed up on my phone.

I was devastated, heartbroken and sick to my stomach. I immediately called the police and he is now doing 25 years in the Feds.

I am left here picking up the pieces of a broken home. Ism looking for support and guidance. Especially on how to relate and reach my children. I have encouraged them to make a profile and hopefully they will to receive support and know they arnt alone in this.

I have read a few articles and know this is where I need to be. I am so thankful for momma lioness for opening up, speaking to me and inviting me here I am right where I belong

mamalioness · Moderator_in service

Beafar4844 wrote:
Hello All-

I am new here thanks to a Devine Intervention. I was at the right place, at the right time, with a person I never met; but had been praying for.

Life for me was tough growing up. My dad was a recovering alcoholic and addict. My mom was a very codependent, people pleaser. Growing up I was sexually molested by a few different people, became pregnant at 14, a mom at 15 and a Wife at 18.

**** WELCOME Bea, so glad you found us....Your story is so very similiair to mine: I am a child sex abuse survivor (biological father) molested me through out my teans...so you are NOT alone...so sorry you had to go through that, but you have taken your first step into claiming your life..

I grew up fast to say the least. However, my story starts when I found out my husband of 13 years, the father of my kids was sexually molesting our children.

At that time my children were 15, 11 and 5. The abuse had been happening for years before I found out. I found out when we linked our phones together and his google photos showed up on my phone.

*** Yea, nothing like abuse and dysfunction to make us grow up...and sadly because we don't know any better and we are hurting , we don't know how to attract healthy people in our lives...Like me: I was raised up in degradation and dysfunction and I married into it TWICE first was domestic violence, where I "lost it" and went after him with a sword, and the second husband was alcoholic...sweet, but a stone alkie..I just didn't KNOW how to find healthy people because I was so injured myself.....
I am so sorry about your kids...but at least you found out and did not go into denial, you investigated it from what I see here..

a,

I was devastated, heartbroken and sick to my stomach. I immediately called the police and he is now doing 25 years in the Feds.
I am left here picking up the pieces of a broken home. Ism looking for support and guidance. Especially on how to relate and reach my children. I have encouraged them to make a profile and hopefully they will to receive support and know they arnt alone in this.
I have read a few articles and know this is where I need to be. I am so thankful for momma lioness for opening up, speaking to me and inviting me here I am right where I belong
**** WOW!!! you saved those kids by taking action...Good on you..Lord only knows how many lives you saved, putting him behind bars...and I am SO glad you are here because you deserve to reclaim all the beauty this universe has always wanted for you and you have taken your first brave steps, showing up here...You will have that support here...when you get on the main page and start posting (at your comfort level) you will find out you are NOT alone..we hear you and we BELIEVE and VALIDATE you..and the healthier you get with you, the healthier you will be with the kids....and YES......YOU BELONG!!!! and May I say, thank you for this OH so brave and open and honest share........HUGS

Littlelf · Newbie

Beafar, You are so strong and brave! And stopping the Bundle from being passed on to your kids. Not all heroes wear capes! <3

Roman · Senior Member

My story.

My mother met a guy and got pregnant.
The guy set a condition for her: if a boy is born, he will marry her and they will live together, if a girl is born, then they will separate.
A girl (my sister) was born and he left them.
About a year later, my mother met my father and they got married. My mother got pregnant and gave birth to me.
After I was 4 or 5 years old, my father started drinking. When he got drunk, he became very aggressive. They started fighting with my mother more and more often. When my father was drunk, he and my mother hated each other, and there was a real war between them. They fought among themselves - with sticks, iron rods, axes. (it almost came to knives). (It's very scary).
Yes, at first my mother was afraid of my father, when he was drunk and there was a scandal, she ran away with me and my sister from the house. I remember one night we hid from him in the garage, sometimes we ran to my mother's grandmother's house to spend the night. When my father sobered up, he asked my mother for forgiveness, and she forgave him, and they measured themselves. (There is calm and joy here).
I remember my mother complaining to her brother that he would calm him down. My uncle scolded my father. After that, my father was afraid of him. (Always respected him).
When his father started drinking again, his mother stopped being afraid of him and started fighting with him constantly.
My father took a course in treatment for alcohol addiction, relapsed and started drinking even more.
He began to drink to such an extent that he began to sit on the bed in his sleep. He went on a long binge and almost died. (My sister saved him, she called an ambulance.) His arm was swollen and he underwent surgery. He lost his job. In order to get alcohol, he began to pull valuables out of the house.
One day my mother threw all his belongings into the garden in the raspberries. I don't know how long he lived and drank there, but one day my mother told me that he already had worms crawling under his eyes.
Apparently, when he sobered up, he cleaned himself up, and again his mother forgave him.
We moved into a new three-room apartment. He started drinking again. Sometimes he worked as a watchman, then as a janitor, then went on a binge again.
Basically, my mother was pulling me and my sister alone (study, food, clothes).
The fights continued.
When fights broke out, my sister and I used to hide in another room behind the couch. What would you understand -- the fights were always with blood, with wounds. Every fight could be the last for one of them.
But fortunately or unfortunately,
my father had a disabled mother and she had been in bed for 20 years. She lived with her husband and second son. My father's brother also drank, and then became a drug addict. When her husband died, her father's brother hanged himself. My father went to live with his mother.
One night, he got very drunk in his mother's apartment, fell and hit his head on the corner of a closet. He died.
On April 1, a district police officer came to our house and reported his death.
At first, the mother did not believe it and thought it was a prank.
When my mother and I came to this apartment, my grandmother was sobbing and I saw a pool of blood on the floor. I didn't see my father's body, he had already been taken to the morgue. After 2 days we buried him.
My mother still hates him. We have never been to his grave since his death. Now I don't even know where his grave is!
I hope he'll forgive me for that.

Still, he was a good man when he was sober.
He could make candy out of shit.
People always spoke of him: golden hands, filthy mouth.
He taught me a lot (not only the bad, but also the good).

Now I've grown up and become an adult, I'm already 37, but I still can't start a family, I can't have serious relationships with girls. I can't achieve my goals, I can't stop being afraid of everything.
On Saturday, I often feel bad. Sometimes I feel a blurring of my consciousness, as if I have a waste after drinking alcohol.
Hopefully I can overcome this problem and my mind will be sober.

Thank you all, thank you for your attention.

Dafydd22 · Guru

Bold share, Roman... aww

Tilde · Newbie

I accidently posted my story in a new thread, and then saw theres was this thread so I'm postning here instead, so admin can delete my other post. Hi! I just found this forum and hoping to find people to connect with and relate to. Please exuse my english, but I hope at least I can make myself understood. I will be super honest with how I feel now. I am scared you will judge me. That you will say that Im just playing the victim and that I should be more positive. Things like that. But I don't function anymore in so many areas, and I think that my upbringing has a lot to do with it. I am 36 years old now and struggle in almost every area of my life. I have so much anxiety and self hate. I try to love myself, or at least not to be so hard on myself, but whenever I feel like I can't fit in, or be "normal" or people see my anxiety attacks, I feel so much shame. I can go from feeling basicly ok to feeling that the world would be better of without me, in like 10 seconds. It is crazy. I also always tend to blame myself a lot, and never other people. It's almost like I even take the blame for them if they do something wrong to me. Maybe so they will feel reassured that they are ok. I also feel like I should not have turned out like this. People went through so much worse things than me and turned out much better functioning. So, gonna make this as short as I can, but it will probably be long anyway. My parents got a divorce when I was 5. It was a good thing I thought, because they argued a lot. I had one sister that was 1 year older than me and a brother 2 years older than me. So we were all close in age. I didn't understand that my parents was drinking, I only understood that later on. I can think back of the times my mom kicked my brother out so he had to sleep outside. He was probably only 7 or so. I also remember things like waking up in the middle of the night and being scared, going to my mums bedroom and she wasnt there, because the was at the pub. I remember I always hid when I cried, didn't wanna show anyone I was sad. And that I never called for my mom, for example when I woke up scared in the middle or the night. Never. Always tried to not be a burden or something. But I don't know why. But I have a lot of good memories from this time too. Then when I was 10 things took a turn for the worse. Mom had a severe burn out and stopped working. She started drinking from she woke up until she went to bed. At the same time we had just moved to another city and started new schools. We had no safety net. No aother adults in our life. We siblings only had each other and our mother. She stopped cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and spent all days sitting by the computer and drinking. She threw up a lot and I was very worried about her all the time. Why she was so different. Why she stopped opening the mail. Where I live there is an opening in the door where the mail-man deliveres the mail. It all just lied there on the floor, spreading further and further into the apartment. Larvas started crawling in the old dishes and on the walls. Flies where everywhere. Crawled in my face and woke me up at night. We sometimes had to ask neighbours for food. I loved her so much but at the same time avoided her. Hated the way her breath smelled alcohol and the way she spoke. Either with blame our smothering love. I felt filthy and like I had to hide it all. The state of our home made me feel like it was not only our home that was yucky, but ME. If I was out in public with my mom, I saw the way people looked at her and it made me so angry. I felt I had to defend her. I got one friend at school. We started smoking, stealing, skipping classes. She got us into a lot of trouble, she had the biggest mouth and wasnt scared of anything. So several times we both got beat up by other girls. My sister got in even more trouble. Started doing break-ins, some drugs, hanging with older people. But she always protected me in school. If someone was mean to me or bullied me she saved me again and again. My sister and I had always been so close, she had been my best friend since I was born. Sometimes my mom beat my brother and my sister at home. But when my brother was maybe 14 or 15, he beat her back for the first time. She never beat him again. He started pulling her away If she beat my sister. Both my siblings were my saviours. My sister always seemed to know what to do. When my mum tried to kill herself my sister called the psychiatric. She confronted her about her drinking. If I was sad or afraid they were the ones who comforted me, told me it was gonna be ok. My brother tried to kill himself by throwing himself off the balcony, head first, 10'th floor. My mum and I dragged him back in by his feet. First time I had an anxiety attack. He just went straight back into his room and slammed the door and we never talked about it again. Once my sister got beaten up in front of me by a guy. He just beat and beat her in the face and blood was streaming out of her mouth. Another guy held me back so I couldnt help her, I could only scream in panic. No one who passed us dared to help. Me and my friend got beaten by like 8 other girls, same girls as usual. My sister saw it and came up to save us. She threathened them with a knife. After this my sister got taken away. The case went to court but mum didnt even show up. Still hurts when I think about how abandoned she must have felt. And that it was my fault, she tried to protect me. So they just took her, put her in a place with other girls who had issues. Problem was all the other girls there had suicidal issues so it didnt take long until my sister first tried to kill herself too. My brother moved to our father. I was left alone with our mother. Didnt wanna leave her. Wanted to save her, to get her back the way she was before. I felt so lonely without my siblings. Like I was all left alound in this world. Then me and my friend got beaten again. I called the police, who called my mother. My mother called me. Instead of being worried or something she of course yelled, told me to come home. But I was too scared to come home. I heard in her voice she would beat the crap out of me. She said "Come home now or never again" I said "Never again" and I didnt. That was the last time we would speak in many years. She never called me. Never wondered where I went. But I went to my father, where my brother already was. My father had a new family. New kids. He never wanted us. He knew all this time what happened at my moms, because police had called him on some occations and forced him to come pick us up. He and his new partner drank too, but only evenings and weekends. They could still keep a job and things like that. Anyways. Me and my brother was never included at dinner. It hurt when they called our siblings name for dinner, but not ours. I had a broken bed with a big hole in it. Barely got any new clothes. They disappeared for vacacions only leaving us a note. When they went away they put a locker on the fridge. Once we had an attempted break-in which scared them so much they took our siblings and went away for a couple of weeks. But they left me and my brother. Sometimes dads girlfriend hit her kids. I started to supress my feelings. Instead of breaking out in anger I started to talk to her like an adult. Try to make her understand it wasnt ok. I got in a relationship with a narcicisst. I was almost 15 and he was 18. After a couple of years with that a almost stopped talking completely. Everything I said was wrong. I kept hurting his feelings unintended. Before this relationship I was a pretty chatty person, but I am still more quiet today and afraid to say the wrong things. Sometimes he was physical, but didnt hurt me that bad. The worst was the mental abuse. How worthless he made me feel. How everything was always my fault. The same time this happens I live both with him and still home with my dad. My sister during many years repetedly tried to take her life. She was still at the same place. Every time the phone rang at weird times I froze. Thinking maybe this was the time they couldnt save her. And she was my everything. The ongoing stress of this for years and years was really taking a toll on me. Age 18 I crashed and had a severe burnout. From almost never feeling anxious despite everything I went thorugh all of the sudden my body went bananas. I still struggle with the burnout today. Can barely eat. Under weight. Full of anxiety. So thats basicly it. When I was 20 or so I contacted my mother again. She was even worse of. I went into another saving-mission. Tried to fix her. Started my own company and hired her, thinking maybe a job could help her. When she didnt show up for work I still gave her full pay (like a good girl/codependent) Sometimes she disappeared from work for weeks and there was several times I was sure she was dead. Even when I texted her and said I am scared you have died, please answer me or turn on a light or something so I know you're alive" she didnt answer. Police had to break up her door several times to check on her. So, when I was 26 she had been laying in bed drinking for weeks and hallucinating. Thats whe she finally got rehab. She is still sober today and I am very proud of her. But I had a fantasy of this mother I would get back when she was sober. Turned out she never really was the mother I always tried to get back. But anyways. We still have contact and I love her. But she has her problems. I know now the alcohol abuse was just a symptom. I just started at a new work and my social anxiety is crippeling me. Next week we will have a big meeting at work and everyone needs to introduce themself and things like that. Makes me feel like I wanna quit. Cant face the humiliation If I cant get a word out or stattle or say something weird. If you read all this, thank you. I havent really been able to tell this much to anyone, I think it is so bottled up the anxiety gets too much for me to handle, even in safe places like therapy. I hope this will be a new era in my life, I need to change and I need help.