Welcome to MIP, Tig!

Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

In Recovery,

Princess K.

david wrote:

---

 

 Hi Tig... I do exactly the same thing myself- self-talk... it really does help me to ease into my thoughts, and my feelings... ...

---

 Its funny, I do have this self dialogue, if you will, when Im alone. i find myself almost rehearsing what I want to talk about prior to a session. I guess as long as it comes out its a good thing.

Hello,

If I'm honest, I'm not really sure if I should be here, but, after some pretty horrendous behaviour, the breakdown of my marriage and a lot of pain over the past 3 years, my psychotherapist suggested that I read the Laundry List. I recognise a lot of that list in myself, and my father was  and remains a recovering alcoholic.

The problem I'm having with even beginning to consider the impact of my father's alcoholism on my life is that to everyone who knows him, myself included, he is a good person. Everyone who knows him well, knows he is a recovering addict. Everyone admires him for his recovery, for his work helping others with recovery and for his honesty in doing so. 

My father was never a violent drunk (that I know of) and since before I was born had been in AA. As a child of maybe 8 yrs old I learned of his addiction when he relapsed. He was a 'sad drunk'. He retreated, he slumped, he drank and he binged for 2-3 days, tapered off for a day or two, then returned to work, got on with life and within a week the tension and uncertainty that went with his drinking subsided... until the next time.

I can't remember how many times he fell off the wagon, but it varied between every 6 months to every 2 years between relapses. I never felt anger towards him, I felt pity. AS I grew older, I was proud of him for his recovery. I was and remain very grateful for the fact that while he was powerless over his addiction, he would aim to minimise its effect on us. When he drank, he retreated. 

He is a complex and extremely intelligent person. He was a teacher, and universally liked and respected by everyone.

I always assumed his alcoholism had a minimal impact on me, and may even have been beneficial, in a strange way - I learned that even the best people are flawed.

So, I never associated, and still don't know if I do associate the problems that I have with his drinking. I felt irritated when my psychotherapist first brought it up, but I'm considering that perhaps his alcoholism had more of an impact on me than I first suspected. 

Now, here's a bit about me...

I was a strange child. Extremely quiet, painfully shy and permanently fearful - of what, I have no idea. Other children terrified me. I isolated myself and watched from the edges as others formed friendships. I mostly felt like I wasn't part of what was going on around me. When people tried to make friends with me ( I was well-liked, somehow, despite being so quiet) I almost felt sick. It felt like they were hassling me. 

Emotionally I was sensitive but kept that deep, deep inside of me in a vice-like grip.

I also had, and this is extremely embarrassing for me, a fear of being barefoot. I had an intense fear of having to take off shoes and socks. I'm not sure where this came from but I know that to me it was the most embarrassing, humiliating, shameful thing. This became somewhat of an obsession and I could not stop thinking about it. This later developed into a fetish - one where I wanted to be humiliated by being made to be barefoot. Much later in life, this led me to fetish sites, then message boards, then craigslist, then real-life meetings with men (I am straight, and married. I love my wife dearly, but I could not stop this compulsion). When my behaviour was discovered my life fell apart, as did my marriage. I concluded that I was an addict myself - a sex addict. I joined a 12 step programme. Later I attended therapy, too. 

My therapist helped me to look at  the fetish differently - to accept it, but importantly, she helped me to uncover that it was less of a sexual desire, but an emotional need - I needed to show vulnerability. The physical experience of being barefoot, helped fulfill an emotional need - the need to be emotionally vulnerable. For me this was life changing. My compulsion ended over night and the desires to engage in dangerous meetings just disappeared. Now I see my fetish as, slightly embarrassing, but something that could have been shared and explored in a healthy way. 

At the same time as this realisation, my emotions started flooding to the surface. I could feel the need and the want to be a more open, honest, vulnerable person. I want to connect, to be able to relax, be myself and be free. I have spent my life living in fear of my emotions being exposed, of people knowing me or seeing my vulnerabilities. Now, I'm tired and I want someone to see me, know me and accept me.

My therapist thinks I may have 'shut down' emotionally at a very young age to gain some 'internal control over my external environment'.

So, on her advice, I read the laundry list, I dentified with it, and now I've written what probably reads like a long, rambling post. I apologise if it's in the wrong thread, or if parts of it seem irrelevant or make people queasy. It is my story, though

Thanks

Queen Bee wrote:

---

 Thanks for 'listening'!

---

                                            Thanks y'all, ma'am.

Part of my veneer is a faux southern accent... but ah'm rural and this is a part of my culture and personal makeup.

I live far from the deep south. But my heart is there. 

I always say y'all kin take the kid out of the family, but y'all caint take the family out of the kid.

Taking a circuit through an ACA group- for me gives me an extra rite of passage... into emotional growth. I find the true meaning of the word ~detachment~. Which is really just a way of growing out and growing up.

It is a journey, and ah really really enjoy time with other travellers... it makes up for the grey days in my life... an accumulation of them...

We depend entirely on our membership here. There are no rooms.

Unless people share there is resounding silence.

We get on each other's wavelengths in a healthy way. We have the right to be wrong sometimes... how else would we learn?

I was afraid to be wrong... I thought I was entirely wrong!

Shame... getting to the bottom of this now...

                                                                  and getting it out of my system... liberating...

                                                                                                                                    but impossible to do this, on my own... 

thanks for posting here- signs of hope, April...

Welcome to the MIP family! 

In Recovery,

Princess K.

Welcome to Miracles In Progress, Rachel!

We are fellow travelers here; pull up a chair and join the experience, strength, and hope!

I think you will find Al-Anon is a bit different than ACA.  In Al-Anon they address dealing with an active alcoholic.  Here we look at childhood baggage that we have carried into adulthood.  Some people have both!

Sorry about your Dad.

I gave up expecting my family to be perfect like the ones on TV a long time ago.  They just aren't able to provide for my needs.  I am also fortunate to have a wonderful husband and a great life we share, including motorcycle riding!  I put my time and energy into him, not people who drain me.

Have patience with recovery!  Remember, it took us a long time to get this way.

In Recovery,

Princess K.

Hi Rachel,

               I read your share in my I-phone this morning- high up on the mountain road, here in another corner of the Commonwealth.

               Welcome here... ... we are a friendly bunch...  

 [blushes]... the gizmo here makes us a guru- after 500 shares...

                  nothing to do with wisdom, or prowess... ...

Welcome to MIP, Seeking!

We have a big umbrella here, which covers all types of dysfunctional families.  I also have limited contact with my FOO, and no contact with a lot of them.  Hubby and dog are my Family of Choice!

Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

In Recovery,

Princess K.

today is 1 of those days that is hard and i cry and cry for hours and hours. my neck hurts. my jaw hurts. it all hurts and all i can do is cry :( i am weeping for my family :'( love addiction hurts :( 

Thanks so much for listening. Thanks so much for allowing me to share. I sure appreciate this. 

From my understanding yesterday, I believe my tears were an important part of my grief work. I hadn't yet realized what I was grieving for. I thought it was my lost family. But I think what I needed to understand was that I needed to grieve first for my lost childhood. Yesterday I consciously was able to do that because of my ACA work. 

My yellow workbook should be here on Friday. It's all divine timing I believe. I was supposed to have gotten the workbook when I got my big red book, affirmations book, and meeting kit but it got missed in my order. So now it will be here and I get to begin the workbook study. 

My hubby and I keep talking about a couples massage. Maybe I should book one for our Valentine's present. That would be really nice and what a wonderful suggestion! Thanks :) 

Have a great day!

Rachel

Hi all,

First time on this thread, obviously first time post too!

I have been in therapy for 5 of the last 10 years (3 separate Ts, 1 CBT, 1 psychodynamic and now I'm in psychoanalysis) to help me get over my ACOA feelings. Today was a major step for me - I finally confronted my mother.

Background - both parents are alcoholics. My father stopped drinking when I was 5 (I'm now 35), however, as I'm sure you can imagine, he didn't go from the bottom of a bottle into a honorable father overnight. He was in AA, but took 15 years before he could be described as recovered. He was an angry, threatening bully. He worked on his issues and is now a posterboy for AA recovery. I still hold resentment towards him for how he treated me as a child, but I can't deny he is a different man now.

My mum wasn't a daily drinker, but drank at least 3 or 4 nights a week. She would miss large parts of my childhood because she was drunk or hungover in bed. She never rose prior to 1pm on weekends because she 'worked hard' during the week. She was high functioning and had a great job, but our home was mad. My mother continued to drink and my parents would fight constantly. At big events, family gatherings or holidays, she would get completely wasted and would have to be helped out. She was always the drunkest person in the room (or at least in my eyes). When my parents fought it was loud and frightening. My dad would threaten to leave, the odd time walking out for a few hours or, rarely, overnight. The tension in the house was impossible.

My brother, sister and I all have been affected by this in one way or another. I self sooth with food or alcohol, with shameful feelings after binges. I tried drugs a little, but my anxiety always made me a bit too frightened. I hated social events, didn't really feel I fitted in and didn't know how to interact with others. I'm self critical and always looking over my shoulder for the next attack or crisis. It became too much for me to handle in my mid 20s and I decided to try and take control of my life. I started therapy. Since then I have lost weight, started socialising and recently got married. I still binge drink/eat from time to time, but it's getting better. I had a major health scare last year and need to prioritise my life. Today I finally told my mother that I can't be around her when she drinks. I told her how awful I feel and how angry and upset I'm left when she has to be carried out of places (my wedding was 3 weeks ago and I'm sure you can imagine what the final straw was).

I have a therapy session tomorrow, but wanted to get something written today. Thank you for your reading

sparkie_t

Lol, what a great clip David. It give me a chuckle. I must admit that my mum telling me to wait until daddy gets home had another meaning! One of the weird things of being an ACOA is the dark sense of humor it leaves you with

Thanks for the welcome

Hi, I'm Mikayla, and I'm a college student in the US. I just found out that I have complex PTSD, on top of depression, anxiety, and OCD that I've been dealing with for the past couple years. My counselor recommended me to start with these meetings, so I found y'all on the ACA website. I'm very nervous about actually going to a meeting, so instead I found this message board which is a lot more appetizing to someone who's a bit shy. I'm a pre-medical student and I'm a junior. I'm also 20. I'm married, have 2 kitties, and am trying to stay afloat here recently. 

I'm glad y'all have a forum instead of having face to face meetings. This is honestly a lot easier than going to a place I've never been before.

Hello everyone, 

This is my first foray into an online ACA group, but I'm happy there are places I can find support since there are no in-person ACA meetings in my language where I live. I grew up in Canada with an alcoholic father. There were five kids in the family and the disease affected all of us; I can still see the effects in our family today. My mother was typically either raging or depressed. My father was 100% emotionally absent from my life. I remember reaching the conclusion when I was in middle school that he was basically my biological father and nothing more. And yet he was overprotective, anxious and overbearing and I had to live under his control despite my huge resentment towards what a crappy role model he was. 

In junior high school, I remember the night of a particularly bad argument between my parents when I hid down in the basement yet again, crying and just wishing my life could be happy, and finally realizing no one was going to rescue me and that the only way I was going to survive the rest of my teenage years under their roof was to stop feeling in order not to let the pain overwhelm me. That was the night I shut down emotionally and started to isolate even more than I already did. 

When I was old enough to drive, I used to fantasize about driving off the road and crashing just to get my parents' attention. There was a complete lack of nurturing in my home, and I don't recall my parents ever actively showing or telling me they loved me - they never hugged or kissed me, they never said the words "I love you" - until I was 23, leaving the country, and I said it first. To this day, I feel like my parents don't know how to take an interest in my life. They still make everything about them without ever asking what's really going on with me. As a result, I realized a few years ago that I basically feel like an orphan. 

I've been in a local al anon group for the past 3.5 years, and have been working the steps there. The group is very small and meetings are inconsistent since people are often absent, which is another reason I am looking for support in ACA. I have made a lot of progress in al anon already, and I want to keep getting better, so I feel good about at least understanding at this point in my life that I do have choices, I can take action, and I can reach out to find help. 

Thank you for listening. It feels good to share with people who will understand the unique situation of growing up in a dysfunctional home with active addiction.  

Thank you, David. It means so much just to be able to share these painful thoughts. It lessens that much more of the burden of shame, guilt and regret I've kept inside for so long. Step four has shown me just how deep my trust issues are, as well. It's getting better, but it's hard and an ongoing journey for me. 

It's always inspiring to meet others who have their own recovery stories to share . 

Welcome to MIP, Stella!

I also grew up in a loveless home.  My Mother didn't say "I love you" until late in my adult life, but I don't believe it.  I'm not sure what her definition of "love" is.

Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

In Recovery,

Princess K.

Thanks for sharing, Stella.

I don't believe that I do love my Mother.  Yes, I would feel bad if something happened to her.  But I don't enjoy spending time with her, and I don't like her as a person.  This was hard to admit for a long time.

It took me many trips to the hardware store to realize they don't sell bread! 

In Recovery,

Princess K.

Hi Kensingtonway, and welcome to MIP!!

It sounds like you are in the right place!  My father was an alcoholic, stepfather was a recovering alcoholic, and my mother is Narcissistic.  When I learned about ACA I also had almost everything on The Laundry List.  I have been in recovery for a while and while the progress was slow, it has definitely made a difference in my life! 

My Family of Origin is also full of estrangements.  I have tried to build bridges with some of them, with limited success.  Others I don't wish to relate to.

My mom is a self-absorbed pain in the butt.  She says she has a lot of friends, but they were nowhere to be seen when I visited last July.  Fortunately I live 1,100 miles from her and can keep at arm's length.  I have stopped expecting her to be someone that she is not.

HOORAY for the getting healthier you! 

In Recovery,

Princess K.

Hello all,

My childhood was good until my parents divorced when I was 13 years old. My father spiraled downward in his addictions and my brother and I moved back and forth I don't remember how many times between his house and my mothers. My mother grew up in an alcoholic home as well, so both homes were filled with dysfunction. Before the divorce, my father and I were very close. After he started drinking, I lost him. I grew up emotionally and some times physically abandoned, leaving me to parent my younger brother. I handled adult problems and my childhood was cut short.

I found Alanon and attended for a few years when my brother struggled with addiction. I never felt fully accepted or understood until finding a live ACA meeting. I started therapy and finally found the courage to move away and pursue my own life instead of feeling guilty for not sticking around to fix everyone's problems when they came up. I moved about two years ago and have not been to any meetings since. I recently had a relapse when my alcoholic father contacted me asking about our relationship. I'm hoping that this forum will help me figure out how to stop the triggers and feel my feelings without dwelling on them for weeks at a time.

So happy that this outlet is available and to know that there are others out there available to support and help me though this journey.

Thank you

Welcome to MIP, Jenny!  :byebye:

david is right, I was out of state and just saw your post.

My parents divorced when I was 12.  I don't remember much about my childhood, except that it was chaotic.

Mom said that Dad didn't drink until after they divorced, but I'm not sure I believe that.  She passed away on April 17th, and I recently found a deposition she did 56 years ago.  She kept a lot of ugliness about his bad behavior from us.  He was running around on her at the time, and even took us kids out with his girlfriend!

My brother moved to Dad's when he was about 13.  I cut my Dad off when I was 18, and didn't speak to him for about 25 years.  I was the oldest, and was supposed to be the little adult.

Keep coming back, it works if you work it!

In Recovery,

Princess K.

 Hi y'all T. 

               Bin there- done that, and have eaten the peanut butter sandwich...

...nice to read your story... I was missing my ACA buddies here in the city- the meeting is on Monday... so it was a welcome boost to read your post.  ...

-D.

This is from my profile. This is me, right now. 

An adult child of a dysfunctional family.

Only child, now with 6 step-brothers and sisters that I have acquired as an adult, very, very difficult to feel like I fit in, have been isolated, 1st be my upbringing, then by choice.

In ACOA recovery for 5 years, via a few other 12 step programs. It's been a long, glorious process, with the step work taking forever. But I do grow each and every day.

I have an adult child (18), who went to live with his father 6 years ago. He is leaving for the Marines in less than a month.

I live with my SO, who I met in f2f Aca meetings....very different rates of recovery & work at this...

 Tasha was an early "graduate" here... and she talked about XA..  ...

we are all in this together- one way or another... so i join our friend Princess K, in welcoming you in...   ...

     -D.

Welcome to MIP, sunflowerbaby!

I think you will find people here with common issues.  My father was an alcoholic and I cut him off when I was 18.  I did not have any contact for 25 years.  In 1994 when he was on his deathbed from alcoholism, my brother and I disavowed him.

There is more, but that's enough for now....

Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

In Recovery,

Princess K.

Welcome to MIP, Michelle! 

I'm sure you will find people here who understand where you are coming from.  There are similarities with my own story, too.

I'm 63, and although I really didn't want to carry my childhood baggage into retirement, I have done that in some ways.  I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which I attribute to growing up in a chaotic, dysfunctional household.

My Dad was also an alcoholic and emotionally unavailable.  He was either avoiding Mom or chasing women.  Mom (who recently passed away) was Narcissistic, which probably had a greater impact on me.

I have tried the geographic cure several times, and it never worked!    When I graduated from college I learned to ride a motorcycle and took off across the country.  I was a rolling stone for a while, not ready to "grow up".

Through therapy, the ACA Program, meetings, and sites like this, I have made immense progress.  I do have some joy in life, although I feel that I was robbed of that in childhood.  My relationships are much better, and I am able to set boundaries.  I can check off a lot of the "Flip Laundry List" https://adultchildren.org/literature/laundry-list/.  I am still working on #11, self esteem.

I'm sorry to hear that you and your husband are having problems.  I hope you can both grow and work things out.  As we know, recovery is an inside job; no one else can fix us.

There are many good books out there.  Some of my favorites are:

• Big Red Book (a long read, but classic)
• Healing the Shame that Binds Us - John Bradshaw
• Stage II Recovery: Life Beyond Addiction - Earnie Larsen
• The Laundry List: The ACOA Experience - Tony A. (founder of ACOA; out of print)

I also do several daily readers.

Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope! 

In Recovery,

Princess K.