I can relate to the "mom leaning on you like a husband." It's talked about in John Bradshaw's book, "Healing the Shame that Binds You.

Hello everyone,

47 yrs. old, 4 kids, 2 grand kids and married.

Both of my parents are alcoholic (mom's dead, dad still alive)

I am an alcoholic in recovery, my sobriety date is March 1, 2013.  I have been through the 12 steps of AA and try to apply them in all my affairs, I have a sponsor I speak to daily, sponsor other men, found God in AA (not that he was lost).  I am active in my home group and do service in AA.  I believe that I have been given an incredible gift, a second life if you will.  But....  

Disclaimer to anything I write below regarding my past - It is only my interpretation of the past and how I felt at the time.  I know my parents did the best they could with what they had.  I know that their lives didn't turn out the way they wanted.  I don't believe I'm angry at them anymore, I pity them and look upon them as sick people - like me.  I'm trying to change my thoughts and actions (and reactions to life) so I can live a contented life and be of use to those around me today.

Growing up I hated my parents, especially my mother.  She did nothing but berate, criticize and judge me - which really pissed me off because she was the one with the problem.  My dad is emotionally dead.  I grew up in a loveless household.  My parents had a loveless marriage.  My dad left when I was 14 and didn't call us for very long periods of time.  No idea what the words 'love' and 'happy' mean (although I'm getting a inkling now).

Always felt like an outsider, among peers and with my family.  I would wonder if I was actually mentally retarded and didn't know it.  I have a sister, as kids, we would swear to each other that we were adopted - that there is no way we could be related to our parents.  Of course, the sad irony is that I am my mother.  Turned out exactly like her.  I'm trying to live in recovery in the second half of my life, she found none and died an alcoholic death.

I couldn't look anyone in the eye, I couldn't hold a conversation - never could think of anything to say.  If you were talking to me, I was barely listening because my mind is racing trying to think of what to say and in the end I couldn't think of anything and would just sit there like some kind of mute. Hell would be sitting at a dinner table and have to make small talk.  I seem to be incapable of it, even with family members. 

I felt like a prisoner of my own mind  - the 'me' that you saw was not the real me.  I thought if you could see the real me you'd like me, but there's something blocking the real me from coming out - a wall surrounding me, cutting me off from everyone I come in contact with.

I couldn't figure out how to make you like me.  I often engaged in what my mom called seeking 'negative attention'.  I thought if I acted out in school you'd like me or if I drove my car crazy you'd think I was cool etc. etc.  Everyone else just seemed to be living life so easily.  Felt like others were given a rule book on how to live and I wasn't.

I hated myself and I hated you.  Either judged people, and they always came up short, or wanted people to like me.  The same people.  

As a kid I was forced to go to church, but hated it.  Couldn't allow myself to believe in God, but I remember laying in bed was I was 7 years old, scared to death because I was sure I was going to hell because I used profanity.  I think when I didn't believe in God it was a reaction to the thought that if God is real I am fucked.  My high school girlfriend became pregnant and we had an abortion.  A few years later, when I started having kids, the full magnitude of the abortion decision hit me - that I purposely stopped a life from happening.  I really thought then I had done something 'beyond the pale' as far as God was concerned.  Maybe God could forgive me for the past stuff but not this.  I couldn't be present for the kids I did have, when they were young, because every day/all day I would beat myself up for the abortion.  In the end I realized God wasn't the problem, but it was someone else's interpretation of God, impressed up on me as a child, that was the problem.  I needed new ideas about God, which I found in AA.

My solution to all of the above was getting drunk as often as possible.

So here I am, almost 4 years into 'recovery' and although the obsession to drink has been lifted there is something still very wrong in my interactions with people.  I am still self-medicating with cigarettes, caffeine and food. There's alot of manipulation in my relationships.  I still try to figure out the answer you want me to say so I can say it - whether or not I mean it.  I still struggle with 'controlling' other people.  Intimacy is still an issue.  I have issues with women.  If a woman is 'nice' to me I immediately think about having sex with her or that she wants to have sex with me LOL.  I KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE, but it's a default reaction that I am trying to overcome. Also have issues with men, have no friends.  Not sure what the word friend means.  I have developed male relationships in AA somewhat as long as we keep the discussion to AA, but not sure I would call them 'friends'.  Do not socialize with anyone outside of AA. 

I don't trust my thoughts or feelings.  I don't believe I fully understand what my problem is or what the real truth about myself is.  I'm scared that if I ever was shown the 100% truth about myself  I wouldn't be able to handle it.

I was recently at an AA gathering where they had a speaker from Al-anon and ACoA and I related to alot of what he shared, so much so that I started Googling, which led me to ACoA's home page and to here.  I found there is an ACoA group in my area (another sign from God IMO) that I plan on attending this week.

 

 

-- Edited by Scottso on Sunday 8th of January 2017 04:08:50 PM

-- Edited by Scottso on Sunday 8th of January 2017 04:12:30 PM

Hello everyone,

My father was an alcoholic. He is no longer living. I am coming to the group because a recent experience with someone who drinks has made me very unsettled. Someone I know is very sick. I started posting in a couple of Alanon support forums. Some people brought up adult children of alcoholics and I thought that it might be helpful if I tried working through my problem with some support from others like myself.  I am in recovery myself, it has been 14 years. I had a problem with drugs and drinking that caused me to go to jail. I have had bad relationships in the past too, but lately I have been concentrating on my family. I am a single mom and grandma. My son is a single parent too. He lives with me and has joint custody of my grandson. My grandson's mother was abusive to my son, and I am going to court with her right now because she busted into my house and pushed me around trying to get to my son. It is really a mess, but I want to handle it the best I can. After being in an abusive relationship myself I do not want my son in one. I do not want my grandson growing up around violence either. It seems like even if I try to get away from drama (drinking, drugs, violence), it comes and finds me. I was in therapy before, and I don't think I need that right now, but I still want to work on healthier relationships and taking care of myself. 

Hello everyone,

My name is Gabrielle. My parents are not alcoholics (to the best of my knowledge) but I grew up in a house filled with pain and anger. My older brother is a drug addict. He has been for the last 10 years or so. Growing up, he was in constant fights with my parents about his addiction. One memory that will always stay with me is this:

I was about 12 years old. My parents were throwing my brother out of the house because they were trying to force him to go to rehab. They were fighting with him, my dad yelling and my mom crying. I stayed in my room the entire day, trying to block out the noise. But I left my room to eat lunch. The kitchen and dining room were empty, so I sat down.I suddenly heard a door slam and my parents and brother came into the kitchen, still arguing. I hid under the dining room table so they wouldn't see me. I heard my dad tell my brother to leave. I heard the front door slam. It was a sad day.

My brother always came back, saying he'd changed. I always believed him. I love him a lot, and seeing him destroy himself always hurt me.

During my teens years, my older sister completely froze me out. I never understood why. She refused to speak to me (still does), and almost always made me know that everything I did was worthless. I started to believe her too. In addition to being bullied at home, I was also bullied in school.

I feel like my family is shattered into many pieces. I never really got to talk to anyone about how my family life has effected me, and I don't know how to start moving past things or trying to make amends with my siblings.

I just joined this site because all I need right now is support from others, because I feel very alone these days.

Thanks for listening,

Gabrielle

Hi all,

My name is John, I'm 34 and I've been living with an alcoholic family all my life. My parents split up when I was 3, both were heavy drinkers and used whatever drugs were available. I found out a few years ago that my mother did crack while she was in the early stages of pregnancy with me (that was an awkward conversation.) My mother and I moved away to Virginia, bounced from my grandparents' house to her friends' houses, I went to 4 different elementary schools. She quit using drugs, but still drank, though not to extreme excess. I got my clothes from her friends whose sons had outgrown them, and a lot of our food came from the church. I learned how to push start our car- I could just reach the clutch while Mom pushed.

When she met the man who would become my stepfather, we were living with two other single moms and their kids in a townhouse- he was a Godsend, he immediately took me on as though I were his own son and treated us both fantastically well (at least compared to what I was used to, and from what I can remember.) At this time, my father was getting sober for the third time- fortunately, this time it stuck and he's been clean and sober ever since. I was probably 8 at the time. One day I came home from school and the other people we lived with had moved out while we were gone. They had not only taken everything they owned, but most of what we had as well. I couldn't call my mother at work because they had even taken the phone. This being in the days before cell phones, we couldn't call and track them down- we never found out what happened. Two days later, the electricity was cut off- it turned out that while the rent was in my mom's name, the utilities were in the other roommates' names, and they hadn't paid them in quite a while.

My future stepfather stepped in, paid the utilities, and got us back on our feet. Soon thereafter, he and my mom bought a house together for us to live in, and they got married after that. I had a stable home, and I could focus on being a kid- I'd been so preoccupied for years with how mom and I would get by that I never really made friends or cared about anything else. I did well in school up to this point by grace of being generally smart and broke enough that the only thing we could afford to do was go to the library two or three times a week. I devoured books ravenously, and I read at a college level in middle school. I started doing my mother's taxes for her when I was 10. I had high enough grades to get into advanced classes, and went into high school at 12 years old. Around this time, I got to 'meet' my father for the first time I can really remember. He was kind and shy, and determined to make the best of the second chance he had earned. He didn't get to see me often, but between him and my mom they always made sure it was as often as possible. One thing I will forever be thankful for is that neither of them ever badmouthed the other to me- no matter how behind he was on child support, or how crazy she was being, neither presented the other to me as anything other than a human being with human flaws and motivations. They didn't fight (in front of me, at least) and neither blamed the other for their situations. Somewhere in this time period I was put on Ritalin for hyperactivity. It made me calmer, but I was never hungry and my memories are very hazy from then on.

Around mid-freshman year of high school, my stepfather and my mom both started drinking noticeably more. They'd go through a large bottle of wine every night, but didn't get loud or violent. They did, however, start getting irritable and snappy. My mom started smoking pot again. After a few months, they were each drinking a bottle a night, and the fighting started. Any and everything was a reason to drink more and fight more. They both started getting violently drunk regularly. My father invited me to come live with him, now that he had a stable job and apartment. I told him I couldn't- mom needed me. My grades started slipping. I no longer cared about school or the future- the future was in constant flux, I felt that no amount of effort on my part would change it anymore. I stopped making friends. I became lethargic and depressed. My Ritalin dosage increased to 45mg per day. I was 5' 11" tall and weighed 120 pounds. I barely ate.

By the end of high school, I had a solid C average and the highest SAT score in my school. My teachers were the most patient and kind people I could ever have asked for, I treated them like crap and they repaid me with understanding. They looked at me and saw so much potential, while I looked in the mirror and saw a future burnout. I couldn't foresee any future in which I escaped the same flaws that were claiming my family, so why bother? I graduated with an advanced studies diploma at 16 and went to community college for one semester before I dropped out. I had no idea what I wanted out of life, no direction for a career, and didn't see why I should pay for a degree I didn't want anyway. (This later turned out to be a prudent financial move, but that's purely in retrospect.)

I turned 18 in November of 2000. I wrecked my stepfather's car the day after Christmas that same year, and my mother told me to be gone by midnight. Looking back, I understand that she couldn't handle both me and my stepfather being self-destructive and was really doing what's best for me. I don't know if she really knew that at the time, either. I moved to Pennsylvania that night to live with my father with a garbage bag full of clothes and nothing else. I moved in with a man I barely knew and who had never been a full time father before. He had 10 years in AA at that time. I started going to AA meetings with him, and sat in the back. I learned empathy. I learned that I wasn't alone.

I got a job as an apprentice mechanic at the car dealer down the street from the house, and walked there every morning. I worked at a convenience store at night. I started dating for the first time, and learned to live with someone who wasn't going to lose his mind when things went wrong. I started to understand that what I was used to wasn't normal. Back in Virginia, my mom started getting sick. She developed pancreatitis and gout. She determined that wine and rum were the cause of her pain. She switched to gin and vodka. My stepfather got a job with the TSA, and lost it 6 months later for failing a drug test- he tested positive for meth. He swore it was a faulty test, but stopped sleeping. And eating. And bathing. He took up hacking satellite TV cards as a source of income. He was quickly caught and prosecuted. The drinking got worse.

By the time I was 22, I was the sales manager for another dealership. I made great money, I had good friends, and I was living on my own. I had a wonderful relationship with my father, and I understood my mother and stepfather's decisions and motivations well enough to stop being angry with them. This is when it started to really sink in that I might not be able to help them. This is when I started to get depressed about my powerlessness to save them. I bought a house at 24. I accomplished everything I thought I'd ever be able to do with my life before I was 25 years old. I started to feel lost. I didn't have any more goals to reach for.

I met the woman who would become my wife. She probably saved me from spiraling down- she was working on her PhD in Neuroscience, and I could have a seemingly unlimited number of conversations with her on any subject without either of us getting bored or intimidated by the other. I had someone I COULD help. I had someone to save. She moved in with me, and I started setting goals again. We traveled, we adventured, we learned everything we could about each other and the world around us. She is just like me in so many ways. We pick up hobbies, learn them to proficiency, and then abandon them. We both want to know everything about everything. She doesn't drink to excess. I'm genuinely happy.

Years go by- we get married. We don't want kids. We have a ton of pets. We have friends. We fight, but we make amends afterward. We make the effort to understand each other. All this time, my mother and stepfather have been drinking heavily. I no longer worried about it. I emotionally distanced myself from their situations. I only 'dealt with it' on holidays, and I rarely visited. Then last year, my stepfather starts threatening to kill himself. The police come and find him in the woods behind their house with a ladder, too drunk to tie a noose. He gets arrested for drunk driving. Twice.

The first time, his mother calls the police because he called to threaten suicide again and she couldn't locate him. They found him in his car, parked in the parking lot of the house, but with the key in the ignition. He goes to jail, gets out a week later, and that very night gets into a fight with my mother and drives away. The police find him passed out in the car again. Arrested. Jail. The DA offers leniency if he will complete an inpatient rehab program. His county job still hasn't fired him, their insurance will pay for it. He will be released from jail immediately and taken to inpatient therapy. He refuses, and stays in jail. He is fired from his job. My grandmother passes away, and my mother inherits enough money to keep the bills paid for the time being, but not forever. He is released from jail and starts IOP therapy, which includes a breathalyzer before each session. he quickly learns that he can get drunk on Fridays because his sessions aren't until Tuesdays and Thursdays. He finds a part time job at Home Depot that he can take the bus to. Months go by, and he completes IOP on his second try. His license is reinstated on a trial basis, but only with an immobilizer installed in his car. He learns that he cannot drink after 8 PM, or he won't be able to start his car in the morning to go to work. He starts drinking earlier in the day. All this time, he's convinced that nothing is his fault. He was never driving the car when he was arrested (either time) and everyone is out to get him. Drinking isn't a problem. He occasionally sobs over the phone that he wants to quit but can't. He still refuses any assistance.

This brings us current- I'm living as normal a life as I can, and it's marred by stress on the fringes. I'm not particularly proud of my accomplishments- I always feel like it's not enough. I know I've done well for myself, and I know I deserve to be happy, but I tend to undermine it subconsciously. I always wait for the bottom to fall out. I'm always ready to go back to being broke and hopeless. Over the years, I've come to realize that the way I feel and the things I do are all symptoms of the conditioning I had when I was a kid. I know I'm extraordinarily fortunate to have survived as I have. I know the work I put in to stay away from the life I hated has paid off. And still, I know I'm not alone. And still, I know there's a lot more work to be done. And still, I know it could all come apart.

Thanks for having me.

John

 

 I knew an ACA online- before, by your name...

maybe a bit older... maybe not...  ???

Not me, this is my first go round- you've got a heck of a memory on you, though! :)

 

John

 

 M8... it seems you are at a threshold of your life...

standard practise here is to slap a copy of The Laundry List in front of you...

...however most of us- superb survivors- find our own way through... and this may be a better way... ...

and we always seem to connect with each other all the way along...

 

if you are stressed and have trouble sleeping, you are not alone.

So people might try to sling you a religious solution... for me, our feelings, beliefs and even opinions are important

and time to share these is time well spent...

 

...but first things first- having ants in my pants and bees in my brain...

   for me breathing and deep breathing works best for me. Often I have been under stress over a long time period...

it becomes my norm, my reality... my thoughts are often locked up and in overload...

so a few deep breaths- at regular interludes... just time out- a breathing space is good first aid...

 

the next choice of action- the next decision- just might be a bit better... ...

 

... ...

 

 Hi "Alison"...

                    we find answers here, ourselves- in the company of others...

              we get isolated- little by little... until it no longer works... until everything falls apart.

               It aint easy. There is no alternative. Maybe it even seems like 'live or die'. Inwardly, at least.

 

              So welcome ma'am... often times we say 'welcome home'. A cliche sometimes... other times

              we do say that ACA is our family of choice. At the moment we are going through the loss of

              John, the founder and creator of the MIP boards. So bare with us on this one. The plan is

              build on the legacy that John created here- so please join us... welcome. ...

 

 

 

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Grew up in a home without a father. My mother's drinking got worse and worse over time as her parents got older and sicker. My mother drank to self-medicate what seems like mental illness.

I'm nearly fifty and discovered Alanon in High School. I've acted badly most of my adult life in terms of acting out acoa issues. Boundary problems, low self-esteem, overreacting, bad temper, doing for others when they should be doing for themselves. Lots of codependent unhealthy relationships. I've been in and out of therapy over the years. I am grateful to be doing better than ever but I still have issues. 

I'm very happy to find this forum because I'm in work situations that I need help with. I seem to attract bullies. I have an edge that other people don't have.  I recognize that I need help with this and look forward to learning from others on this forum. 

Welcome to MIP! 

Caroline, I also hear a lot of similarities with my story.  My father wasn't around much until they divorced when I was 7.  I've had a series of bad relationships with alcoholics and other losers because I grabbed any crumb of attention.

I have been bullied several times at work.  The worst one fired me, and it took 18 months to get back on my feet.  I have worked hard to develop tact and not take my issues out on others.

In Recovery,

Mrs. Snoopy

Bob H wrote:

---

I do hope groups do as you say. However, I have no control over that, nor do I wish to have. I would like to see changes, and only I can make them in me.

---

                           Same for me too Bob... in me... ... 

Hello. New here.
Here's some of my story, but not a lot of details.
Right now, all I want to say. Mainly about who I am.
I am from CoDA but have been there pretty much alone for 3 months, few others posting so I am tired of it. Although maybe everybody's working out their issues elsewhere and doesn't want to be online so much, which is a good thing.
I may not be welcomed on another site or even belong there.
I am a CoDA (and counter) but think I am an ACA too, coming from a very abused childhood (psychologically and physically). I am not from an alcoholic family but was married to a sober alcoholic for decades from a severely alcoholic family who's (sp?) respective alcoholism and attitudes thereof went back generations.
I was so isolated physically and socially, so unwelcome in my FOO, and we moved constantly so I never had a relationship with any until years later. My family is arrogant, stodgy, rigid, political, using and brutally judgmental so I am not missing much. The result of my upbringing is I can still be raw and awkward in social skills and diplomacy. I can blurt things out when I shouldn't. I can be aggressive and argumentative. Comes from having to take care of myself from a young age and being one of those uppity kids who fought back (and got creamed by my father doing so). Even worse, I am a female doing all this, a definite cultural no-no. I can feel 'odd man out' forever, having been the harassed, put down, attacked and isolated scapegoat in my family. Probably because I was so young and it was EASY. That is my family.
My life has not been a bomb and my relationships are not bad, just sometimes exasperating and also more superficial than I want sometimes too, even though I want my space. My marriage however not real good. Unbalanced and isolating, punishing too often.
Too often I rub the wrong way, but it seems to me usually over petty things. I am also quiet a lot because I am wary of those who have to have things and other people a certain way so I don't even go there. My silence is not respect, it is usually that I have spotted a streak of the spoiled 'bully' or narcissist and I am just watching how it pans out.
I do like cutting to the chase so I don't waste my time, resources, soul, heart on anything or anyone not going to acknowledge/appreciate me/them anyway. I do not like feeling that anyone is putting me in the position of earning their approval.
Boy that's a good intro that is sure to get me a warm welcome! (lol).
Nice to meet all. Hope there are some lively conversations.
Kath

-- Edited by johnniegirl on Tuesday 21st of March 2017 09:20:54 PM

-- Edited by johnniegirl on Tuesday 21st of March 2017 09:24:11 PM

Thanks for the welcome. Mrs Snoopy.

Hi,

I'm really fearful of becoming indoctrinated. Maybe this fear comes from all the things I bought into religion, family, and societal norms. I think a lot of "normal people" buy into this stuff too. I was apart of CoDa and it was so nice to belong to a group. I have not found any face to face groups that are a good fit. Have really stressed myself out trying to make it to meetings. I like ACA practice-in terms of literature- it's the best fit. 

-- Edited by youareanovercomer on Friday 5th of May 2017 08:26:37 PM

youareanovercomer wrote:

---

Hi,

I'm really fearful of becoming indoctrinated. Maybe this fear comes from all the things I bought into religion, family, and societal norms. I think a lot of "normal people" buy into this stuff too. I was apart of CoDa and it was so nice to belong to a group. I have not found any face to face groups that are a good fit. Have really stressed myself out trying to make it to meetings. I like ACA practice-in terms of literature- it's the best fit. 

-- Edited by youareanovercomer on Friday 5th of May 2017 08:26:37 PM

---

 Hi. 

I understand that, I'm exactly the same way.

Not that I can be indoctrinated, but I get disgusted if anything starts to look like it. 
Like I don't think and decide things for myself. 
 

You DO NOT have to buy into anything. 

Take what you want and leave the rest. 

I couldn't handle live CoDA meetings. Exploitative.

I am thinking of trying a live ACA meeting now that I know people there might understand my characteristics because they have them too.

Problem is, some of the most screwed up people are likely to be there. 
Really wish there were good 12 step meetings in my town, the whole concept is full if possibilities for people.

Could not find any. 

And I don't think they are safe in a lot of ways.

 

 

-- Edited by johnnygal on Saturday 6th of May 2017 01:16:54 PM

-- Edited by johnnygal on Saturday 6th of May 2017 01:54:05 PM

-- Edited by johnnygal on Saturday 6th of May 2017 01:55:44 PM

Welcome, Elle!!

It's great that you have found ACA at your young age and can gain from the tools of recovery!  I also tried to get my parents' love through accomplishments, but that never really worked.  At 62 I am still a "human doing", but it is not very satisfying.

My Dad also cheated on my Mom, but I wasn't aware of it at the time.  After he passed I got a box full of photos of his girlfriends!

Pull up a chair and enjoy our experience, strength, and hope!

In Recovery,

Mrs. Snoopy

 

 May I call you JB?

Fully restored 1951 model here. A few rust patches and rattles, but the motor turned over last time ah tried.

               Welcome.

...

-- Edited by JohnnyBoy on Monday 17th of July 2017 08:36:19 AM

...

-- Edited by JohnnyBoy on Monday 17th of July 2017 08:21:14 AM

Welcome to MIP, Maria
Everyone will be along eventually to welcome you too. My family not alcoholic but full of issues as I am too.
Glad you're here!

Welcome to MIP, Maria!

My father and stepfather were alcoholics, and my mother is Narcissistic.  She outlived them all!

I was about your age when I found out about ACA, and I credit The Program with saving my life!  I was chronically depressed and did not understand why.  ACA explained it, and helped me live a better life.

Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

In Recovery,

Princess K.

Bob H wrote:

---

 

   after a while groups usually begin the recreate the family dysfunction we came from...

 

---

                          ...agreed Bob, this does tend to happen. However the use of the traditions will help a group through this phase... ...

Hi. I am an adult children. I know ACOA about 3 years (maybe more) but not an active member, Now I need a group more than ever. Im studying outside my country, There has been a lot of changes. I have difficulty to get along with people in a meaningfull way. I have 20 housemates where I study. What Im studying I have to get support from them, share experiences. Done.

-- Edited by Light85 on Thursday 5th of October 2017 04:04:28 PM

Welcome to MIP, Light85!

Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

In Recovery,

Princess K.

Wow. really good share. Welcome. I see the kind of anxiety I can have in your story. Hope you return to share all you want.

Hello all!

 

Long story short:

I grew up with an alcoholic mother. There was no physical abuse, but plenty of verbal/ emotional abuse. I became aware of the alcoholism as a pre-teen. I was embarrassed and/or humiliated on a regular basis by my mother.  My father tried his best to support my sister and me, but there wasnt much he could do.

ive been in regular therapy for a few months and am coming to the realization that my entire life has been effected by my mothers behavior. This is my first foray into reaching out in this way. 

 

Thank you for listening/reading.

 

Tig