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Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families Home Page -> Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families -> Welcome Newcomers! -> Share your story here.
Post Info TOPIC: Share your story here.
david


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 Aha Minou,

                 big tick for "Women who love too Much" which I read as 'people who love too much'....

I was lucky on my journey... well more than lucky- resourceful, really as we all are!

I was going to Alanon in my own home town. The women in the group formed a separate group to study Robin Norwood's book, and then the Melody Beattie books. Being the only man in the group I got these books myself and read them on my own.

Looking back I think part of my journey has bin gender based. I saw my mum struggle so much with an alcoholic husband [my dad] and i saw the changes in woman's status through her eyes and life.

And i knew I had the break the cycle of anxiety and chaos that was the culture of my family.

And i saw myself seeking sick relationships because of my own fear of abandonment. In my 20's.

LIke you i am in a good space relationship-wise. I earned and worked to let go so I had an empty space where the fear and anger used to be. A place where I could actually learn to live.

I had goal-sets here on this MIP ACA board. One was to help build ACA here in NZ. I knew I had the cart before the horse here. I knew, in my mind it had to be about me first.

I know now that ACA has the tools and the answers for this. But the solution does come in a package. The big thing is the driver- the initiative and the motivation to change. looking back the rest was easy; but coming from a life of acute anxiety it did seem perilous and hard- impossible even.

I obtained the group component here. It gives me leverage and traction- to let go of the deeply ingrained past, and the momentum to begin to move forward.

It seems now I have also learned to "teach" or to pass on the programme- by making myself an example of how to do it. I have done a trial with one or two fellow travelers here in NZ- it does take time! But it is rewarding, and it does lead to permanent changes.

I am still learning. aww... for me this is the gift, and the key... as I am a work in progress, so is ACA. ACA needs us all to pitch in and carry on- to ache and to struggle...

          ...it exists because of us. 

Thanks- nice to see your intro... 

                                                 awwawwawwawwawwaww...



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Neutral_Mage


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Hello! I've joined this site because I am a child of an Alcoholic-- well, more of an ex-alcoholic, but regardless. 

I grew up in a home where my mom and her boyfriend would drink. While this wasn't a problem to me, my "stepdad" would drink every day. They were never abusive towards me, quite the contrary. I think sometimes I was spoiled rotten. But I was overweight as a child, and still am, and I never made friends easy. I still don't, as I feel a very negative bias towards strangers, until I first meet them. It's something I've struggled with for ages.

I'm seeking out ACA meetings on the recommendation of my therapist, as we've come across some noticeable behaviors that ring true to some of the common ones of an "Adult Child". That, and I want to get a handle on my problems, ones that have been eating at me for a very long time. 



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david


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Hi there,

             a journey begins with a single step...

                                                                    smile... welcome in... aww...



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TheNameIsDaniel


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Hello everyone and nice to meet you, my name is Daniel and I am a recovering Adult Child.

I have been out of recovery in ACA relapse / regression for a year and a half and have just made a return. As I was in a meeting yesterday simply sharing the situation that was upon me diffused my anger, this prevented an ACA relapse returning me to dysfunctional ways of dealing with anger such as binging alcohol, angry music, and violent video games. It was then I realized I do not require those dysfunctional behaviors any more and that through making a timely share with an ACA community that can relate .. this is truly how I can recover while minimizing regression and ACA relapse.

Today I had the thought, what if I can write to my ACA community anytime and have it benefit me in the moment?  People are not always around or available to share with. I then began steps to seek out a place this could all come together and this is the place I have found. It is a pleasure to be here and may no one lose sight of hope in their recovery.

respectfully,
Daniel

Edit: More of my story, finding ACA
As ACA recovery first began for me, my relationships with others that I was so attached to .. was plunging in a downward spiral of turmoil and I allowed it to pummel me in a corner, allowed it to keep me down. It all came together one day where I had so much stress at once that the stress had mimicked the symptoms of a heart attack at 28 years old. The particular job I had made no exceptions if you were in any way sick, you were going to recover. The doctor affirmed no heart attack had taken place and sent me to a counselor to help uncover the source of the stress in my life.

This is where I was first introduced to the notion that I might be a bit codependent. The counselor recommended I find and read the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I told her the book resonated well with me and asked what else I could do. That is when she recommended finding a 12 step meeting, local or online. She said take your time and look at them all, find the one that fits you best .. attend meetings and begin working the steps. That is when I found CoDA then later, ACA.

This has been the best thing to happen to my life.



-- Edited by TheNameIsDaniel on Friday 24th of June 2016 03:39:41 PM

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Neil,  Fellow Traveler
Shatteredbcuzofmom


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My story is just like everyone else's I'm sure. Only thing is my mom didn't start drinking until I was in my late teens. But before that I had to deal with here depression from birth. She lost her mom in her 30s and her sister was in a wheelchair and died 2 weeks after my grandmother and her father was an alcoholic and her nasty older brother was molesting her and giving her to his friend. Asshole!!!! My mom started to drink 20 years ago and hasn't stopped. I love her and dislike her very much at the same time. Today my mother fell drunk on her ass in the middle of the street with all of her grandchildren looking and my sister and myself had to pick her up she is not a small women. My sister is in pain tonight because of having to help me pick my mom up. My father is a classic enabler and I'm a bitch because I won't stop telling her to please stop drinking.

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TheNameIsDaniel


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Shatteredbcuzofmom
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Welcome to the community! Many of our past stories here also have been mired in family dysfunction, ACA gives us a better way to live. The Big Red Book itself has been very effective for me in coming to terms with my own story. We begin to live beyond survival.

Edit: Title formatting



-- Edited by TheNameIsDaniel on Sunday 17th of July 2016 06:29:17 PM

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Neil,  Fellow Traveler
CMGSS


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Hello!

I am a 37 year old woman who grew up with a functioning alcoholic father and a dysfunctional mother (only later to be found that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I just found this group when searching for support for my current situation. All feelings and emotions and stress I have been holding in for most of my life are threatening to explode this week.

This week, after a long hospital stay, I had to admit my father to a nursing home. For good. It's all his fault because of his drinking.

I should say that I am a daddy's girl. I am the youngest of three children. My two brothers are 14 and 18 years older than me. I knew my father drank when I was growing up, but it was never really a concern for me. He was a highly functioning alcoholic. He took care of our family, and I had a pretty decent childhood. I really think his trigger, or his reason/excuse was because all my mother did was yell and scream at him when he was home from work. Of course when we were in public, we had a façade of a happy family. My parents finally divorced my second year in college. (Her idea) A short time later, I got pregnant and got married and moved across the country. My mother made it clear she hated my husband but my dad supported me. As usual. He would never outright tell me when he thought something was a bad idea. I guess he figured my mother would do all the yelling for both of them. I moved back to my home town after only about a year and a half away. My husband was an alcoholic, and a drug addict that just got continuously worse. We divorced.

My father retired from his job around that time. He loved to spend time with his grandson and take us out to dinner or just come over and visit. About 12 years ago he started to decline rapidly. He started drinking more and more. I would often go check on him and he would be passed out and his house filthy. He was living alone in my grandparents house which was about 40 miles out of town and isolated. I called in reinforcements. I have some amazing family that live across the country from me. They are his first cousins, and they are like mothers to me. They came, helped me get him to he hospital and we cleaned up the house and moved everything into town, where I hoped he would feel less isolated. 

This was the first time the hospital had me call my brothers because they did not expect him to live. But he did, and he bounced back pretty fast. He was back to living alone, but in town and closer to me and things to do. Then the pattern would start. My mother inevitably would set him off in some way. She loves to call him and tell him he was a horrible husband, that she is praying for his death, that he should just kill himself because no one wants him alive....etc. She is the same with me, that is why I cut all ties with her 7 years ago. (very hard in a small town by the way) I always told my dad to just not answer the door or the phone, or to walk the other way.

In the last 12ish years his drinking has gotten worse. He doesn't drink all the time, just in binges. He has had about 2 hospital stays every year. About a year and a half ago we found out that he is in the end stages of renal failure and was put on dialysis. Which has caused more binges and more hospital stays. This last hospital stay was a doozy. He had been bleeding internally from lacerations in his GI tract. Common among dialysis patients, especially those who still drink. He had hidden the bleeding from us for several weeks. When we finally forced him to go to the hospital (he was still independent and living on his own at this point) his organs had already started shutting down. He had to have his 5th, (or 6th or 10th, I lost count) blood transfusion, which he had a reaction to. This was expected too because of the numerous transfusions he has had.

He spent about a month on life support. I again had to call my brothers to let them know he probably wouldn't make it. The supportive brother was out of the country and my other brother (who is a spitting image of my mother in looks and personality) lives here but couldn't be bothered.

At this point I should mention that I have remarried a wonderful man. He and my father are very close. The possibility of losing him hit him hard. I also have a 14 year old son. I feel that I have had to disassociate, and just do what had to be done because my support was falling apart. I have not had the chance to take a time out and fall apart myself.

So now, he is still alive. His brain is back to normal but all of this took a toll on his body and he now needs 24 hour nursing care. At this point he has decided that I am competent enough to deal with his finances, his apartment, and all his medical decisions. I am his Power of Attorney and he is not very helpful.  His biggest concerns now are fulfilling his food cravings and when he can sneak away and smoke a cigarette.

He is in a wheelchair 99% of the time (he has very limited mobility) and is completely incontinent. We had to have him at our house for a night between the hospital and the nursing home and I had to do several loads of laundry and my husband had to fully shower him 6 or 7 times in just 12 hours.

On top of all of this, in the last two years my husband had to have several surgeries. He had a portion of his colon removed, ended up infected, three days later they removed more colon and he had a temporary colostomy bag for 6 months. He had that removed in November and is mostly healed. He does terrible with surgery and hospital stays. Now, he has a hernia and will have to have that repaired. Which means another surgery in the next couple of months. Again...I have to be strong because he freaks out.

Oh, one more thing. A message from the brother that is like my mother. "Your mother said to come pick up your shit she has stored for you. She is tired of you being a childish little shit and making her responsible for everything." Um...ok. She told me she sold my stuff years ago when I cut all ties. Really?! This is not at the top of my priority list!

I think finding that out and the wonderful message from my mother was the straw that broke the camels back. I love my father, but I am so mad at him because he did this to himself and is taking no responsibility. I feel so guilty because we don't have the money for me or my husband to quit either of our jobs to be able to care for him at home. I have so many emotions right now that are just under the surface about to come flying out of my body like vomit.

I am posting this hoping that I will find other people that have been there, that have found ways to cope, and can share with me. I am also happy to have found a ton of resources here to help me.



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fhorns2000


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You have a lot of hurt, yet a lot of strength CMGSS. Just reading that was like a true to life war story. Maybe because, despite all appearances, you have a "life". I would like to have one with people. My "victim" mentality has pushed people away, for it makes them my "problem". I'm disclosing this to others finally, sharing my secrets. It's actually a healing experience.

I can relate to the emotional hijacking and manipulation by loved ones, but my circumstances are not entirely the same. I am presently standing up for "little me" inside (a foreign concept when I first heard it), and today, now, I am growing. I grew up thinking standing up for oneself was screaming and fighting and hurting those I resisted. For that was what I saw. I'm finding different, healthier ways (distancing vs. attacking), and I'm handling the guilt which follows. It's those small "BIG" victories which grab my attention now.

Thank you for sharing your truth honestly. It encourages me to do the same. I mean that.

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I can't give you a surefire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time.

jimrich


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-- Edited by jimrich on Sunday 20th of November 2016 02:31:42 AM

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Please take what you want and leave the rest ~ BRB

 
MMile


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DELETED



-- Edited by MMile on Wednesday 16th of November 2016 10:00:28 AM

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tasha


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Uh... wow miles. I could have written that.

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Cathy32


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Good morning. I'm not even sure where to start. I grew up with an alcoholic father. By the time I left home, things had escalated to the point where we'd hide in our room and do everything we could to not call attention to ourselves. Fast forward many years, I find myself in a position of helping him. Under normal circumstances, this wouldn't be a problem; however, in this situation, he still acts as the active alcoholic that he was (he doesn't drink much anymore), and I still have the same reactions. The more he expects me to do for him, the more the memories resurface. I thought I'd buried them long ago, but they just keep slapping me in the face.

I don't know how to set boundaries with him because the fear kicks in, and I jump to do whatever he says. I do know that I can't keep going like this, and that's why I'm here. There are no ACOA or Ala-anon (married a binge alcoholic) meetings nearby, so I'm hoping this group can help.



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Imjustme


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I'm not sure where to start. But recently I found out that my parents, who had an abusive and ugly marriage and divorce 12 years ago are "dating" again! This has brought up so many awful memories and emotions from my childhood. I never expected this to happen, but I should have guessed, since the one is "religious" and the other manipulative...this feels like such a betrayal for them to put us kids through such shit, just to get back together when we are all adults. This is just so crazy. I needed to talk to my counsoler about it but I went in to find out I didn't accually have an appointment this week. So I asked for some advice and someone said to check out an aca group. This is all for now, I'm anxious I'll lose what I've already typed here :/

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kinoel


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This is a paper I wrote in a college class about my story...

 

As a child of an alcoholic, I have experienced varying reactions from my family, friends, and society in general. Ive been given everything from sympathy to being shunned. I first became aware of this issue when I was about 6 years old. I vividly remember walking my mom out of my uncles house, grabbing her purse and then her hand and saying, Ive got you as she stumbled down the sidewalk and into the passenger seat of my aunts car. At that moment I became aware that this is not how a child should live, a 6-year-old should not be the adult. As Ive gotten older, things have gotten worse in some aspects and better in others, but being an adult now I realize that I am more than my past.

 

            I learned about how children, be they young or old, of alcoholics are treated by others first hand and through watching others. Personally, I have been shown sympathy from most people but it can be detrimental to the way I function as an adult. After going through therapy following a life-changing event, I learned that I will either grow up to be nothing or exactly like my mother, and that the way people respond to my stories can be highly beneficial or detrimental. If the child is shown too much sympathy they can develop a habit of crying wolf and always requiring help from others. If a child is shunned for their problems, they could grow to believe that there is something wrong with them and the way that they are and spiral into a depression and similar mental health problems. Children of alcoholics are said to deal with abandonment issues and self-depreciation more frequently than those with parents who are not addicts.

 

 A specific event that tuned me into this problem was an incident that happened in the summer of 2015. My mom and I had been invited to my cousin Aprils house in New Jersey for a girls day with my other cousins, Holly, Heather and their individual families. We were all sitting around the table laughing and telling stories while the adults drank wine and the kids drank juice or water. After an hour or so we decided that it was too hot outside not to take advantage of the pool and go swimming, so a few of us stripped to our bathing suits and jumped in. Soon, Heather and I got out and headed back to the table where we talked about school and what I was planning for the rest of the summer. As I was answering, I looked beyond her and saw my mom getting ready to jump into the pool to which I said under my breath Shes going to drown. Not even 10 seconds later I saw her motionless, floating to the bottom of the pool. When I noticed I walked over, curious to see what was going on until I realized that this was serious and yelled for my cousins Paul and Holly since one of them is a lifeguard. When they pulled her out, her face was purple, she was limp, and she wasnt breathing. They pounded on her back and turned her on her side and were finally able to make her breathe again.

 

For about a month or so, I kept having flashbacks, I missed turns while I was driving, zoned out of conversations, and I was afraid to fall asleep every night so sometimes I didnt. My therapist told me that I was, and still are, experiencing a form of PTSD that will probably remain with me for the rest of my life.  Sometimes if Im around a pool or watching a movie where someone drowns, I get brought back to that place of terror and resentment. (Writing this paper was synonymous with torture for me, which I was not expecting). After she nearly died, everything else seemed to be small and unimportant: the night she nearly strangled me, the night there was blood all over the floor, the night she got hit, the night she went to jail. All of these things seemed like nothing.

 

As a result of the previous event, alcoholism and its effects on children have become increasingly more important to me because I never want anyone to feel the way I felt that day. Growing up with my mom has been nothing short of a challenge and a coming-into-being experience. Because of her I was able to branch out and go to college across the country, I am increasingly more independent than the average teenager, I have been able to pour my heart and soul into academics as a distraction, and I have met some of the most wonderful people in my life because of my circumstances.

 

Today my mom and I have a good relationship because I stopped living with her 4 years ago so I only catch her when she's sober and, to me, the coolest person in the world. Alcoholism affects more families worldwide than ever before and causes everlasting problems. Kids grow up without parents, they end up becoming alcoholics like their parents and inevitably give their kids the same future that they got stuck with. It led me to choosing Psychology as my major because I want to dedicate my life to helping people like me, adults and children, move on to bigger and better things that they previously thought were impossible. I want to show them that theyre not alone and that there is a way out, there is help available, and that they can do anything they set their mind to.

 



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david


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     smilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmileawwawwawwawwawwawwawwawwawwawwsmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilebiggrinawwawwawwawwawwawwsmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmile...

          I used to say- don't get mad, get even. I get even by getting better!

.......that was one powerful essay, Kinoel... the more of us who speak out means that we get listened to

       and eventually understood. My heart breaks at the thought of all the damage done around me. But

        hope prevails despite that. By acting and speaking out and reaching out... thanks so much Kinoel  aww...



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netskie


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Hi Fellow Travelers! New here..... but have been a member for quite awhile I think?....I'm sure I have posted before but have NO idea how to find any old posts?? I LOVE sharing.......Especially with People I have never met before and more than likely never will! INVISIBLE people.. FACELESS people...which is how I refer to them..i.e. People I pay over the phone, People I have to call with problems with Cable, Trash Pick-up, Repair people,.....you see where I am going here? These PEOPLE LOVE talking to me, They remember me!! Very easy for me to accept the LOVE from a total Faceless Invisible stranger, than it is to believe that the person who wants to spend the rest of their life with me, who loves me EXACTLY how I am... Knows almost EVERYTHING there is to know about me....( Guessing this may be the time that I interject the fact that this woman was my Al-Anon Sponsor?) I choose her as my Sponsor for her 20 yrs of experience in Program and for the "Spiritual" Aura that I could see surrounding her at every meeting...couldn't wait for her to share! LOVED the experience, strength and Hope that she emitted... even her voice, was a quiet spoken, gentle, calming to me! NEVER EVER in a million years did I think #1 that she is a Chaplin! That explained a lot! Anonymity ya' know! #2 That her sponsoring me and helping me to "Let Go" of my 3rd disastrous relationship...would eventually lead to a relationship with HER!!!!????? I was no more interested in ANOTHER relationship than the man or woman in the moon so to speak! After FINALLY being able to be FREE at 53 yrs. old...( Or so I thought I was FREE..hadn't discovered ACOA yet) and begin to discover who I WAS.....I took off to Gulf Shores AL...all by myself, had an ex-neighbor who offered her place while I was there, she was always working and I pretty much had the place to myself and it was absolutely a 10 day Spiritual Awakening for me every single day! I had found where I wanted to be and KNEW that's where my HP had sent me and knew the reason why!!! During that trip I had found what brought me Peace and Serenity, Nature is my Happy Place and The Ocean was where I became ONE with God! That is the most Peaceful and Happiest I have ever been in my life, and with lots of Prayers and Affirmations I knew what I wanted and Had to do for myself! Jumping ahead here...got home to Indiana YUCK YUCK YUCK...and eventually shared with my Sponsor,all about my Spiritual Journey and that I was moving there as soon as Humanly Possible!!! Skip ahead a few days, month?...she told me she had no choice but to be true to herself and to me, that she had fallen in Love with me and she understood that moving was something I needed to do for myself, and she supported me and my decision....She would Really Really Miss me and Her Heart would be broken, but she would heal in time!!??? What the Heck???? Enter the Lifelong care taker and People Pleaser and needless to say I still sit here in Indiana Rotting away! In a Relationship I NEVER meant to get into.....and no way out! Can't hurt her...we had dreams of the future we would have together, we spent countless hours laying awake at night laughing and sharing and just being! Fast Forward.....It has been 6+ yrs that we have been in a relationship......and once I found ACOA I realized I had NO idea WHO I REALLY WAS...much Less what I wanted! I have to stop sharing for now because the only emotion I know how to express is ANGER and I'm getting there......I DON'T CRY....has done no good as a child of Alcoholics, watching my step-father batter and bloody my mother almost 24-7...no one cared if I cried....sexually abused by him from age 2 to age 17...no one cared if I cried.....To this day if I feel anything, it's ANGER...and I lash out at EVERYONE I love....I Isolate so I don't hurt anyone's feelings and just wanna be left alone! Just want people to pretend I DON'T EXIST! Thank You for being here and for letting me Ramble, Journal and Share...even if it is "All over the place"!!! God Bless you All and if there is a way to find any old posts that I have written can someone let me know how?



-- Edited by netskie on Tuesday 11th of October 2016 03:51:24 PM

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NikonNurse


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My story...

Only child of mom's first marriage. Dad went to war, came back, mom and dad divorced when I was four. He signed his parental rights away and I was adopted by my new stepdad. Step dad, abuser, bipolar, narcissist, raging alcoholic. Mom, bipolar, alcoholic. Had the crap beat out of her by my stepdad, who also periodically hit me. Mom emotionally abused me. They had two children together. I was left alone constantly with younger brothers as a built in baby sitter, given chores, getting punished if I fell asleep, not trying in school because of lack of sleep. Lied for mom with money, lied for why I wasn't it school, lied for all her injuries, lied to the police, lied to family.  Exposed to drugs, sex, porn, infidelity...blah blah. In the middle of all this, I was also hit by a car, where I broke my hip and almost lost my leg.

At age 12, basically rescued by grandparents but damage was done. 

Tried to hide through my teen years, lied about where I came from due to shame. Mom still had contact and manipulated and chided from a distance. Grandparents got me in church, which saved my life. Avoided drugs, sex until early college. Became a social butterfly, a class clown, a creative mind through drama, song and photography. 

Dad reappeared (along with the family I used to adore but stayed away due to the divorce) but was still an alcoholic. I was confused. Because mom and stepdad told me most of my childhood that Dad was a bad man.  But then, I was allowed to see him and the other family. I felt out of place, had no idea who I was. Realized that neither parent was any better than the other. Never felt positive emotion, love without pain, in either family...except from grandparents. I didn't really date and when I did, felt overly attached at times, when not warranted.

Beloved grandfather died. Moved in with dad for college but because he was a drinker, became disillusioned because life wasn't different than it was with mom and the dysfunction, returned to hometown. Then mom died a year and half later at age 36 of a heart attack, then bio dad 11 months later, killing himself because he was driving drunk.  I was left with two half brothers whose father screwed us all up. Made us all scared to death at one point in our lives. Since I didn't live with them, and mom was gone...I stayed away for awhile while I finished college.

Became a trauma nurse, married the guy I was dating because he felt "safe". Grandma was still around and a support but she was essentially it. Came to terms with stepdad, but didn't have a relationship with him. Grandma couldn't stand him or his presence because she blamed him for mom's early death. Marriage disintegrated after a miscarriage. His personality changed over course of years in his corporate job and he wanted me to change too...which made me feel less than. I filled that void with an affair with someone who in hindsight was my twin in life, a soulmate, but I ended it with him due to his drinking. I lost another pregnancy here, then I got divorced and embarked on a serious of destructive relationships. 

During this time there were several major disasters in my state including one terrorist attack. After attack, I was diagnosed with PTSD for this and for the trauma of my upbringing as I hit bottom all at once. I never became a full blown alcoholic but did suffer the emotions associated with it settling in a severe, but high functioning depression.

Married "safe" a second time. Spent most of marriage dealing with infertility, his deployment and taking care of my grandmother and his recovering alcoholic dad. During this time, youngest half brother became psychotic and addicted, the older, an alcoholic. Finally had a child (yay). Grandmother and father in law passed away and then I had another PTSD break. Spouse became extremely angry at life. This caused severe problems in the marriage because I wanted to fix ME before I could fix our marriage(which shouldn't have happened in first place), and I was trying to stay above water for the sake of my child. Because I couldn't fulfill his needs first, he divorced me.

Since then, I've been basically "robot-ing" through life. I have a great relationship with kid. My ex, his dad, is obviously an ACA, and is alienating his child.  I go to work, come home, repeat. I have work friends but all through life, I found it extremely difficult to get close to people because I didn't want to be pitied, or explain why I react to life's occurrences the way i do. I'm afraid I'm going to die alone because I cant get close to anyone. I'm afraid of new relationships because of how the others ended.

The soulmate from years ago reappeared, now in recovery and suggested Al-Anon because he saw in me, how he used to cope as an alcoholic without the drinking. Doing research, I found ACoA. So I've jumped into both and now serve and am starting step work. 

So work in progress...here I am.



-- Edited by NikonNurse on Tuesday 13th of December 2016 03:11:56 PM

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biggrin  Good morning everyone.  Just a little info to get started.  I've been in AA for 18 years, found that I needed more....so, went to al anon and then 2 months ago began going to ACA meetings here.  I read the ACA red book and was stunned to see myself on every page, muttering "No wonder!!"  often.   ACA is a godsend for me and I'm very glad there is an online community.  I have 2 workbooks that I've begun, doing journaling to identify the areas of my life that don't work, and problem solving....and happily, seeing progress already, and feeling very encouraged.

Both parents were alcoholics until we (3 children) were in elementary school, then they stopped but became dry drunks, religious fanatics, and home was like being in a concentration camp.  I was married (to escape home because I wasn't allowed to drive)  for 5 years (a total disaster)....and have had difficulties in relationships because of the FOO roles I've carried into adult life.  Lately I've improved on making my relationships healthy and distancing from those who aren't interested in that.

I'm an RN working full time.  I'm setting goals for the year to focus on my health and emotional well-being.  I do yoga and meditation and have other hobbies, I sponsor 2 women in the rooms and have friends at work and in my community.  After about a year and a half of AA sobriety I was diagnosed with bipolar and placed on high powered psychotropic medications that just about ruined my life. I nearly lost my home after being laid off from work, but by the grace of God I'm working and making progress in establishing financial stability, something I didn't believe I could do.    In 2012 I weaned off medications with medical supervision and decided that I would get to the heart of the chronic anxiety and depression, self-defeating behaviors,  and lack of self worth I've felt all my life.  My journey has led me here.

So thank you for being here.  I look forward to reading your posts and learning more about ACOA and how to recover.

Namaste,

Elaine



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Elaine Powell
david


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 Hi Ma'am,

               ...and your surname, like mine is of Welsh origin...

At the age of 65 years I am completely med free. I am financially secure and getting a little happier by the day. In the middle of my recovery journey I went to a recovery centre here in NZ. I thought I would find answers. Instead that threatened and coerced me into taking psychotropic medicine. Ah threw it out the window of the bus on the way home.

[I am NOT suggesting that other people should so this!!! Oh no! It might be the difference between life and death for yo!]

When ah were 17 years of age I sought help for my chronic migraine. Looking back someone should have stepped in and worked with me and my family. [Ah taught mesel' ta do this one on my own, over the years, doing the programme, ta be honest....]

Anyway at that age "they" put me on three different drugs at once, 10 pills a day. There was no-one in my world supporting me. I formed debating team at school so nerds like me could go on a school sporting trip. On he trip my meds ran out and I had a bad breakdown.

This taught me that the drug-alcohol route was the route to disaster. Ah had my last big drunk at the age of 17 when ah drunk a quart of whiskey- more a cry of help that anything else!

Ah managed to navigate through the street drug world of the 70's- and survive!

Tomorrow I am going to do a performance in the town down the river... my English teacher will be there, from my time on the school trip at the age of 17. I am in the local choir first- a bloody good warm-up... and then ah shall join the readers of prose and poetry...

a full circle for me- a round trip...

ah believe dat ACA is beginning to come of age- as enough of us step up and start to find our way...

  ...this month we have our first national conference here in Aotearoa-New Zealand.

 

Along the way ah adopted the local culture, as a part of my higher power quest... after a speech, as a tribute to the recipient- you... wink... we "polish" it with a song.

As ya'll kin see i sing archipelago   [bah that ah means, a cappella... wink]

 

[I find music to be a great healer... not so much for performance for me... but lately I have bin moving on that direction...].

 

Along with this ritual we share food- a sacrament and a general get-together thang...

                       so if y'all have a cuppa tea, coffee and a piece of cake along with reading this, that should suffice.

Thanks... smile...

DavidG.

 Took song down... because it served its purpose... aww...



-- Edited by david on Tuesday 1st of November 2016 11:51:13 PM

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Hi David,

thank you for your greeting and your music.  Beautiful.  I didn't include that I'm also a pianist, and with you agree that music is a great healer.

Looking forward to this journey.

Namaste,

Elaine



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Elaine Powell
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 smile... I come from a rural part of a rural country...

          [it is not so rural now, mind you...]

...sometimes my upfront familiarity can be a bit off-putting...

For me you 'passed the test' as an all time good sort... thanks... aww...



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Zoeyangel746


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Hi everyone, I am new here and this is the first time I'm seeking help of any kind and even realizing all of my underlying issues are most likely due to an extremely dysfunct childhood with an alcoholic father.

I have a severely alcoholic father and a very codependant mother. My parents are still together and my father is still very much an alcoholic ( getting worse) he also abuses prescription drugs. After doing some research after a bad breakup recently I have realized I am severely codependent. I am very "love addicted" and often let boyfriends mistreat me. So far I know I try to fill myself by using relationships to make me happy which of course doesn't ever work. I havent dug into my childhood issues and what exactly I feel yet, I'm not really sure how to go about doing it. I googled ACoA meetings, but I'm really scared about going so I thought this would be a good way to get my feet wet. Hopefully I can share my story and read other people's and get up the nerve to attend a meeting soon.

I just turned 29 and I would really like to heal. I want to be happy and start valuing myself and hopefully find someone who values me eventually and have the first healthy romantic relationship ever. I don't want to end up with a man like my father.

Looking forward to sharing my story and supporting others as much as I can.




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 Hi Zoey,

             ...this describes the journey I had with my own mum and dad... a willingness to change is all that is required in ACA/ACoA.

We have all taken this first step somewhere along the line... out of fear, and the need to change... ...we do the work ourselves here, in our own time, and -to some extent- in our own way.... But we do get to do it in the company of others. aww...

welcome,  smile...

 



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Zoeyangel746


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thank you! I really am clueless where to even start could you point me in the direction of a first step?



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david


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Zoeyangel746 wrote:

thank you! I really am clueless where to even start could you point me in the direction of a first step?

  Well, yes I surely can Ma'am... I can just scroll up to your first posting... it is right there!

 

Admitting that we are powerless over our family circumstances- stumped, in other words...

    ...once we begin to share we do begin to move away from that zone, emotionally...

       ...we do not forget stuff, nor would we dishonour our family itself... we do begin to see things differently, and begin to gain some emotional maturity... aww...



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ChrisR


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Hi all. 22 year old guy here. Have been looking for something like this for a long time. A little of my story.

My parents are both addicts. Meth and Alcohol. It wasnt hidden from me growing up, and that was their way of making it okay. Meth was fine, they could function but When dad was drunk, all hell would break loose. IT started as an argument and turned physical quickly. I was no stranger to police showing up at my home, and every time the same thing happening. Dad apoligized while they were on there way, and they played the cops into thinking that it was a big misunderstanding. This has been my life. Pain, frustration, and anger. Empty promises that this was the last time, that things would change. Until the next paycheck came. I have two sisters, 3 and 11 whom I love very much. When my parents decided ( once again) that the dope was all that mattered, they were removed from the home by child protective services and I became their foster parent for nine months at age 21. When the court felt that my parents were all better, they were returned home to be with my parents, and I was left feeling empty once again ( I have no kids of my own). I stopped caring, quit my job, lost my car and my apartment and was forced to move in with my fiance's mother. Truth is, I had hope. Hope that faded fast. Dad's excuse is "Atleast Im not doing meth anymore" to explain his alcohol. Just last week, he got sloshed and once again put his hands on my mother, causing him to go to jail where he spent 5 days. Once out, the first thing he did was buy a bottle. Even living away, they still get to me and manage to make MY life about them. I get calls from both. My dad will call completely faded and try to make me feel sorry for him, and my mom currently lives here and although sober, will forever have the effects of meth on her brain. Im in constant worry of when the call will come that one of them is dead, and I know this call will come sooner rather than later.

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  Hi Chris,

               I seem to be on greeting duty today! I like it a lot to hear the first story of a newcomer- it reminds me of my own life and its struggles... and it give me gratitude- a hard to come by asset, especially at the beginning...

  ...in the beginning I began to feel crazy, because all the ways I tried to make things work out never worked! But how could they all work- ah were only a kid at the beginning!

I tried to take care of my younger sister and brothers, and I did my very very best. In the end this did not matter diddly to my mum and dad who were locked up inside their own dysfunction. 

I had to learn to love myself and those closest to me... to take care of first things first...

           ...nice to see your courage and strength in speaking out...

     take care,

   smile DavidG.



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chatworthy


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love you, david,
but The Bible says:

NO
Counterfeits.

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david


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chatworthy wrote:

love you, david,
but The Bible says:

NO
Counterfeits.

           Hi Chat...

                         can you expand or explain about that last word...?

                           ...you don't have to, but it would interest me a lot...aww...



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-- Edited by jimrich on Sunday 20th of November 2016 02:32:40 AM

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-- Edited by jimrich on Sunday 20th of November 2016 02:32:58 AM

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-- Edited by jimrich on Sunday 20th of November 2016 02:33:12 AM

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-- Edited by jimrich on Sunday 20th of November 2016 02:33:27 AM

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-- Edited by jimrich on Sunday 20th of November 2016 02:33:45 AM

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-- Edited by jimrich on Sunday 20th of November 2016 02:33:59 AM

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-- Edited by jimrich on Sunday 20th of November 2016 02:34:12 AM

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-- Edited by jimrich on Sunday 20th of November 2016 02:34:29 AM

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Wcfields


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I might as well introduce myself.my name is Jeremy,and I'm a trained,professional idiot.i spent a good portion of my life dirt poor with a tweaker and alcoholic for parents.ironically when the tweaker wasn't gone for weeks on end on a binge he was a fairly respectable father...shy of spending all of his money primarily on meth as opposed to the little things...food,electricity,water,gas,etc.my alcoholic mom spent the rest on booze,neither worked to any effective degree for years,and she was a tolerable person so long as she was passed out drunk. Luckily thanks to an affinity for martial arts and metal,I could enjoy a few peaceful moments by drowning out her screaming and break her will to try to beat,bite,and strangle by blocking and restraining her on occasion till she got the message that we should agree to disagree.needless to say I was well prepared for the wonderful world in which we live,and equipped with brass balls,a backbone,a brain,and proverbial skin made of kevlar...the slit throat from my dad's dealer notwithstanding.if I go any further I'll have to kick my own ass for even toeing the line of whining,but that covers the prologue of the idle ramblings of a crazy person.if anyone is up for being a sponsor,or has any advice by all means let me know.

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-- Edited by jimrich on Sunday 20th of November 2016 02:34:59 AM

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cat1405


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Hello everyone. I'm here again after a long time away. (I had another user name, but I've forgotten the password and I don't have the same e-mail either.) Tried to go to the meeting last night and tonight, but there didn't seem to be one? I'm not going to write much about my story, because I don't know how - it's long and confusing. It's not obvious what was wrong in my upbringing, unlike some of the other stories I've read here. I'm still trying to sort that out. But I suffer so much, especially in interactions with my mother now, that I know my upbringing was dysfunctional. And I've always struggled with very low self-worth and self-confidence. Hoping to get some support through this group as sometimes I feel so sad and afraid and I really want to get to a much better place in my life. Hope that makes some sense. Thanks.

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-- Edited by Bob H on Friday 11th of November 2016 10:05:35 AM



-- Edited by Bob H on Friday 18th of November 2016 11:05:59 AM

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chatworthy


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Hi Bob,
So nice to make your acquaintance - if in fact, your ARE who you are.
[kudos here to ACA ' cause I am learning not to go where fools rush in . . .]

Methinks if you have a story to tell,
TELL IT!
Tell it on the mountain,
tell it on the sidewalk (like they do in NYC on a milkcrate)   aww.gif

bottom line? . . . . .

Just TELL IT;

we're here,

we;re here to listen to YOU - whoever you are or

are not.

I;m sure we'll all have a lot of questions for you; MY first one is: *Was there a reason you had to "go underground?"

Wanted to be the FIRST to say "hello" and Got yer back" to our National (heck, global?)

treasure.

Warm welcome,

chatworthy

 



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chatworthy


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oh wait,
'nother question?

so you were in ALATEEN at the time ACA started??

and 'nother . . .

how OLD would you be now?





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x



-- Edited by Bob H on Friday 18th of November 2016 11:02:11 AM

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-- Edited by Bob H on Friday 18th of November 2016 11:01:07 AM

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-- Edited by jimrich on Sunday 20th of November 2016 02:35:54 AM

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chatworthy


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bob,
methinks anything "prison" IS a good reason for being scared, and for being "underground."

*am part of a prison ministry: I understand.

In my own affairs, am WRITING everything down! You might consider limiting what you put here on the web, BUT take your PAPER pages, and have them notarized when you're done OR as you go . . . just for the future. Keep copies at home and some in a safe place.

***Methinks you are about to come into some wonderful BLESSINGS.

This is one Life that The Founder(s) of this program saved!
No kidding.

I hope my contributions here will serve to "pay it back" and strengthen YOU now.

wow;
********am thinking I/Me - no matter what -  am the One Who Is Blessed.      floating.gif



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-- Edited by Bob H on Friday 18th of November 2016 10:59:48 AM

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  Gidday, M8!

                    welcome to MIP ACA...

                                                     ...where the world speaks to the world about...

  whaaaaat!!!! ??? 



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chatworthy


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welcome back home, cat dear,

it took a little while - when I first came - to accept that I would literally have to DO THE WORK.
ugh.
piece by piece, moment by moment, bit by bit capture the memories all jammed down and even the floaty ones, and start writing/talking them out. And, if they arose again with different masks, different feelings attached, nail them too. I had to KEEP AT IT, keep plugging away.
After a while I actually came to Enjoy the process; I could feel myself getting clearer and healthier.
Seems overwhelming at the start but you'll be surprised at how quickly your HP will move in to help you, lift you.
*Until someone steps up. there are no meetings. We did have them 2-3x per week.
*Even newcomers can do it. I did; is a good way to serve, pull yourself up, and bond with some great peeps. Can send note to Tasha.....

Best.

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yes, bob, i hear the earnest dedication in your words, however, I would STILL "protect" all I could. Truly, it can only help and strengthen YOU, which would be The Strengthening of The Program.
right?
I'm with you = never did/don't like that logo. And, yes, from my early research, I thought there were a lot of "holes" in the Tony A. story. I DO like that our book is Red, whereas the AA one is blue.
Have you done your own research on the development of the book? me seems to remember even John Bradshaw had a hand in it...????....he might be a potential source to write to...???....get all the info you can - not necessarily GIVE a lot of info - but Get/Research what has been goign on.
Seems too, there is stuff on web about a widow of Tony? That smelled a bit fishy....
I'm sure you can find it....something she wrote on web about how she has rights to his legacy....
hahaha....
geez,
if what you say is true,
my goodness!
what's that phrase:

People Are Crazy??

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cat1405


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Thank you chatworthy,

I know I'm not as bad off as I was the last time for a few reasons:

1. I knew to get support and a few places to get it, but I'm being cautious making sure they are the right kind of support.
2. I don't feel as desperate as I used to, although rather frightened a lot of the time.
3. Although it has hurt me, I can at least see clearly the very faulty logic in my mother's latest indictment of me. (I kinda wonder now if I could remember past events better how often her logic would clearly be faulty to me now that I am older and know more.)

The memory thing that you mentioned is interesting. I have been journaling a lot recently and I've noticed how vague my memories are. I don't remember very much at all from around first grade and I wonder if that is normal or not, since it is still quite young. But for other things that I do remember, I can only seem to remember the basic thing and very little or none of the detail surrounding it. For instance, I was working with a writing prompt from a book. It asked to describe one "Fourth of July" and although I knew vaguely where we went to see the fireworks, I could not remember any more than that for any childhood year. Would like to uncover more memories, but since it seems my brain doesn't seem to want to, it probably has a good reason for that. But you have given me hope that I might be able to at some point.

Thanks again for responding to my post.



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x



-- Edited by Bob H on Friday 11th of November 2016 09:55:08 AM



-- Edited by Bob H on Friday 18th of November 2016 10:57:55 AM

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DELETED



-- Edited by MMile on Wednesday 16th of November 2016 10:01:12 AM

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chatworthy


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oh gee,
I don' know.....I kinda' like knowing who The Founder(s) of anything is/are!

Methinks ole' AA Bill & Bob would agree*
...certainly ole' George W. (and the whole dang Continental Congress would/did!)   nod.gif

Hey, Bob, follow me over to a new thread, am going to call it "More Real."

(you too, cat)

Me seems to remember these here segments at the top of the post page, is just for newcomers to introduce themselves, and

I want very much to keep talking to both of you! Meet me in that thread......

SO glad you are here! Truly.



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c



-- Edited by Bob H on Friday 18th of November 2016 10:48:21 AM



-- Edited by Bob H on Thursday 1st of December 2016 07:55:10 PM

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david


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 Okay...the chimp paradox checks out on google...wink...

    I am really keen on the genesis of the 12 step movement... and ACA, ACoA and ACA-DF is a part of this...

       look m8... no-one needs to prove nuthin roun' here...

         ...if U have the inside dope on ACA then it will show... and it will illuminate.

 

Abby 12th stepped Bill into what became AA. Bill was a figurehead for a successful ongoing organisation...

   it was, and is, made up of millions of grateful people...

      ...and all of the XA's

                                  uhuh...?   biggrin...



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david


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 Kk mate...

                 I have just come off sharing here... where ah said ah wanna get off the mountain peak sometimes and rest in the valley. Its Saturday here in NZ and its a good time to rest and chill out. Hang out too- with gals and pals- mates! Ciao.



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Hannah


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G'day, kia ora, hello everyone

I'm Hannah and have recently decided to join this forum at a suggestion from my old friend David.

I'm 20 years sober; two rehabs, and five years of AA served to convince me to stay sober. (I'm a slow learner!)

Like many of the people in the intro stories I read here, I came from a dysfunctional and abusive family. I left home at 15. I had a riotous, hedonistic time, until the alcohol turned on me and began eating my soul.

Now I try every day to be as real and as honest as I can be; but I had no clue that it was possible to sort out past PTSD until David and I started communicating again about two years ago. I admire the work he has done, and the results he has achieved so far. I want some of that for myself.

I look forward to meeting you all and getting to know you, as we share our experience, strength, and hope.

Cheers
Hannah



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Mphoto


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This is my first time comming across this message board. Truth is, ACOA meetings are not for me. I'm not sure if it's because I am not more than half a year into my recovery journey or if saying something personal to a group of people and having them say nothing in return just bothers me. 

 

Reguardless I am here to try and see if the cyber version of a meeting is similar. I am clawing at anything I can find to better myself at this present moment... so without further adoue... my story. 

 

My father is the alcoholic whom I have been affected by. He quit drinking and went into recovery when I was 8. I do not remember much from his drinking days, mostly because I don't remember much in general. I used to "live in the moment" my mom would say... now I do the exact opposite. The few things I do remember from growing up in such a household are all bad, as you may imagine. My father used to fall asleep outside on nice warm nights and we'd laugh and laugh as kids when we'd find him in the yard using moms bushes as a pillow. We'd tell our friends to come over and laugh at him too. The worst memory by far for me was when I would try everything I could to keep him home and not go to the bar at night. I would lock the door, that didn't work. So I thought of an ingenious idea... I would lock the door and build a Lego tower and hide under my holy baby blanket and watch as it stopped him. As you may have guessed... it didn't stop him. 

My father wasn't the only drunk I was in contact during those days, his freinds at the all parties were in very similar states. I remeber one time specifically being in someone pool, alone. One of the drunk friends brothers jumped into the pool with me and apparently lost his knife at the bottom of the pool. I was forced to get out after that. 

My mother, as hard as she tried kept us together. She told us how we were poor... but never explained everything going on with our father. 

 

He has been sober for 20 years now... I remember thinking how much I missed the drunk dad because he wasn't as grumpy as the sober version. My father went and did his time in AA. My mother still attends her Alonon meetings weekly, sometimes twice a week. This maybe the reason why ACOA meetings and I didn't click... I am so tired of hearing about Alonon. I am tired of hearing that going to meetings will fix my siblings and I. 

 

So here I am, many many failed relationships in my past. Finally as of last year talking to a therapist... but still feeling lost. I am making small strides in my recovery but I don't know if I am going in the wrong direction. All I want, all I've ever wanted was a simple life. A man who loves me, regular routine everyday events like grocery shopping for a family on Tuesdays and PTA meetings. I know these things aren't a fantasy, but I also know I not even close to being on track to getting there anytime soon. 

 

I literally just told a friend today that there must be something I do that allows people to not treat me like I am special to them. So I'm here... writing my life story on lunch at work pleading for some insight into the process. Figuring out if this is what I need. 

 

 -M-



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