Hi Dawn...

                      ...Adult Children Anonymous is an independent ACA forum...

I think we all stick as close as we are able to ACoA and ACA principles. In ACA we are allowed to use outsode materials... and bring in anything we think might help. For me the only qualifier we need to bring along here is ourselves...

   ...in my family of origin I had a voice all right- but that voice was never heard much. {my mum did hear me sometimes...}

my memories are returning, both good and bad ones, along with a sense of who I am... ...

  ...by raising the questions and issues ourselves, I believe, we are able to find solutions... ...

so welcome... as each one of us begins to address Laundry List No. 1 other solutions begin to appear...

   any questions- most welcome... ...

                                                        DavidG.

 

Hi Corrie... ...

                       it seems like I am "on the desk" here...

...It is late Saturday afternoon here, where I live, with a warm winter sun streaming in the window as i write...

I seems  like ACA is going through its growing up stages, along with us... I believe it has a space to fill... ...and it does depend on us all pitching in and doing what we can...

                                     ...if I was going to a group with growing numbers I would be tempted to suggest that it start another meeting to cope. For me the steps and readings are important anchors, but what drives recovery most is ESH, and the more the better...

...I guess as we share along here we put out markers and boundaries, showing what part of the journey we are on... as in the founding AA programme- it takes one to know one... ...

Nice to see your posting up here... [at the moment I am more or less "channelling" my mum} and I will quote on of her many sayings:

                              ...the more the merrier...

my background is Alanon based... but we all come from where we come from... ...

           take care... 

DavidG.

Hello there to all of you. Well, my dad was a southern baptist preacher on a power trip and that was a womanizer, having affairs throughout my parents 23yr marraige, and my mom was the "perfect" preacher's wife that stayed home and took care of the kids, went to every church event and function, never complained about anything EVER, never stood up for herself, did whatever my dad told her to it seemed like, always went out of her way to make sure everyone else was ok and had what they needed, even though that meant she went without. She NEVER argued at all, with anyone really. The true poster girl for ultimate codependency! I am the youngest of 3 and by the time I came around, they had been there, done that and hadn't intended on having me, but here I was anyway. I was raised in silence and aloneness if you will. At 8 yrs old I had passed a note in school calling another girl every cuss word name i could possible think of and it was found, so my parents were called. Now normally when we got in trouble Dad would yell at us, then whoop us with his belt, but this time when they came home he quietly sat down and had me stand right in front of him and look him in the eyes then in a quiet and matter of fact voice told me that I was a disgusting and foul human being. That he couldn't beleive such filth came from his daughter, that he was ashamed and embarrassed of me. He said that I was so bad that I didn't deserve to look at him, talk to him, touch him, or even be in the same room with him until he said so. Then he told me to leave his sight and for 7 long, devastating brutal crushing and horrific days it lasted. :0(

ok, that's all for now. hit me harder than i expected.

Hi

My story is that I grew up in a household where my father was a binge alcoholic and my mother a total people pleaser.  My Dad was a docile drunk with the opposite personality of how he was when he was sober.  When he was sober he was angry, oppressive, impatient, dismissive and domineering.  I used to avoid him and home as much as I possibly could when he was on a bender which could last for weeks.  Eventually ill health prevented him from drinking anymore or at least that's what I think happened.  It was never discussed.  My mother would do anything to "keep the peace" and tried to push that onto me and my brother.  I never understood why I wasn't allowed speak up, what was so wrong talking and learned not to.  She was evasive and   and lived in her own innocent bubble that shielded her from reality.  I think they are basically decent people but very damaged from their own respective upbringings.

I thought that when I left home I could leave it all behind and be normal but I had all the characteristics of a ACoA and codependency, I just didn't know that's what it was ie low self esteem, people pleasing,  difficulty making decisions unless under pressure, worrying, obsessing, being afraid, being fed up of being afraid, feeling sad, different, broken etc.   I think for the most part I'm doing okay.  I have had some great times and experiences but I'm finding things hard at the moment.  I went to counselling for two periods of time in the past and I think resolved some issues/feelings but I came away thinking "I feel better than I did but I'm still not right".  I was just so glad to finish that I didn't want to point this out to my counsellor and instead skipped out the door and didn't look back.

I came out of a long term relationship a couple of years ago and it took a long time to get past that, but I did, and I pulled myself together and got my life back on track and got out there developing new hobbies and making new friends which wasn't easy as I often feel socially awkward but I did it and then, when I was in top form, an old flame reappeared in my life and I let him unravel all the hard work I had done in building myself up.  I had an opportunity early on to break the connection and attempted to do that but against my better judgement, I let it continue.  Big mistake, but at the time I felt like I was on a rollercoaster and there was no getting off.  I started to feel the agitation and neediness and anger building in me as I put aside all my interests and worked my life around him, convincing myself that things would settle down if I just gave it enough time.  Boundaries being pushed further and further until the breaking point.  

Since that ended my parents health has deteriorated rapidly.  My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers, my father had a stroke and between all that and a full time job I'm finding it difficult to keep on top of everything.  I used to be pretty organised but these days, I feel like I'm dropping the ball all the time and beating myself up about the mistakes I'm making.  My home is a so untidy.  I keep trying to tidy up, clear out and put order on it again but I feel stuck.  It's like as if my home is a reflection of my state of mind.  I feel overwhelmed and like I don't have enough time to do everything.  I want to meet my friends and do stuff but I feel so wrecked tired and drained that I put a lot of social activity on the long finger and I'm not socialising a whole lot right now.  Some days I feel so detached and down and then I get a grip and get going again but I feel like a yo-yo, up one minute, down the next, frazzled and like as if I'm just lurching from one crisis to the next.  I think I need to go to counselling again but I don't want to.  I'm checking out group therapy but I don't really want to talk in front people.  I know I'll get upset and I hate crying in public or being vulnerable which I also know is all part of the process.  Sorry to off load.  Hopefully I'll have something more uplifting to say next time.  

Good afternoon,
I am not sure if I am writing in the right spot to share a story. I am 57, had a alcoholic dad and seem to gravitate to them in relationships. I am now married to one. It has been 26 years. I have been to Alanon in the past and also ACOA meetings as they were called a long time ago. I feel I need to get back into them. I liked ACOA the best, I felt most comfortable in them. I hope to get and give support on this website. I am trying to heal and get better. My husband drinks a lot and I know there is nothing I can do about that. I have been here so long, I feel I have kind of lost myself in the process. Life is too short to be unhappy so I am going to work on my recovery.
Thank you all for posting on this site it is very helpful to read your posts.
Sandy

My story
My dad who drank went in the service when I was born. He was there for 15 months so that is the first time I saw him. So there was no bonding before that. We lived with my grandparents on my mom's side while he was gone. When I was 4 they got divorced. I just found out 2 years ago that I lived with him and his girlfriend who fought and drank alot, and that is when I looked into being a child of an alcoholic, though, I always felt different, maybe because of the divorce, or being poor or??????

The dysfunction was on my mom's side, my grandpa was a gambler when we was younger, but he was abusive mostly to my 2 boy cousins all the time I knew him. He spanked us with a razor strap, and he always looked unhappy because he never smiled. My mom worked and my sister babysat me though she was only 2 years older, it is really the classic case of codependence and dysfunction. My mother gave my sister all the "power, even to leaving us alone while she worked, we were latchkey kids for sure, from the time I was 6 and she was 8, and she was mean and made me take naps until I was 10. She did not know what else to do with me. I felt smothered by a blanket an it took a while for me to realize it was the blanket of control and enmeshment and shame. She just shut me down. She told me once after we grew up, "that people hurt me so I hurt you."

We would move about every six months, for some unknown reason, and so I went to about 5 grammar schools, and a couple or Jr Highs. I feel like life was so crazy that it took all my energy just to survive. We lived under the classic "don't talk" don't feel, etc. rule.

My father's whole family drank, and now my 2 sons do too. They live in another state. I have been in recovery for several years, and am grateful for this site and for f2f meetings, of both ACA and Coda. This is just the first installment of my story
which I will share later. I am grateful to be able to share it because we are only as sick as our secrets. My own life has been chaotic and I was date raped at 18 and because of that I started drinking and smoking, and having a couple of one night stands, I know now that is how I self medicated to ignore the pain, I was not able to deal with. I quit these these vices after a couple of years, but have had many issues with codependence and now ACA. I have looked into the multigenerational addictions in the family and no one has gotten into recovery but me. I am grateful for recovery and I one day hope to overcome the trials I have gone through. I have been having alot of anger and sadness lately, but that is ok because I can deal with it now and let it go. Sometimes the old tapes of not good enough come up, and feelings of being unloved and the truth is I do not think my mother ever loved me. She was always gone doing something even after work. Any activities we did we did alone, like walking to the park and going swimming all day, my sister and cousins and I.

There has been progress in my recovery, and I am a survivor and know that I have a Savior who loves me no matter what others have done. They are accountable for themselves, and I am in charge of my own recovery. Looking at these things are painful, but my higher power is bigger than my pain. Thanks for letting me share.

-- Edited by Patress15 on Thursday 6th of August 2015 01:02:24 AM

 

My story:

              my own life was quite humdrum... dad, grand-dads, uncle great uncles and father-in law were all veterans... many had crossed the line from methodism to smoking and drinking- i guess the First and second wars had turned them into "real men". i am a true "baby boomer" born 1951, the first of 5 kids. Was expecting my life to change when i left home- but as they say you can take the kid out of the home, but ya caint take the home out of the kid...

My aunt and uncle put me up and found me a job when i first went to the city... that gave me a breathing space. It was out buy the sea. But right in the city my favourite cousin was out working on the streets. All her 4 brothers were gay and three of the four also worked the streets. it was a shocker for a wet-behind-the ears country boy. The university lecturer on literature was a client of my cousin Llewelyn, at lunchtimes at the public toilets... this was my introduction to the fates and foibles of 'the real world'.

I was sent out of the city to work on the railway gangs. this was the peak of the youth revolution and it started as a 'make work scheme'. I read a lot of stuff and played a lot of chess. In the end I became a foreman. it was tough and sometimes dangerous... this was the equivalent of the army life the men in my family had had, for two generations...

in 1977 I went back to my home settle a way up river, where I am today- got involved on Alanon first: now working with ACA... the depth of trauma in my family is astounding. I used to get mad because the experts and authorities were not doing anything about it. Then i realised that I had to learn to act- to clean up my own patch, and to seek solutions for myself...

                                I learned to say this here... ... don't get mad, david, get even! Get even by getting better...!

Nice to see your contribution, Patrice... it all helps when we learn to work together, to find solutions, on a daily basis...

blessings to you and your family... ...

DavidG.

Welcome Tao :)

Thanks for doing the recycling David Looks healthier from here now

Jonathan... I think each one of us comes to at the end of a perfect storm... we clamber through the wreckage of our life and ascertain, that at least, we are still alive...

I have told my story any number of times, and each time it is a little different. I wonder sometimes whether this is through time, or a little maturity creeping in. Today I made a Step 10 share... so at least I feel qualified today to post up here... ...

lashky wrote:

Hi...

---

Hi Lashky ...

                         ...what a great Step 1!

                                                          I find that, over time, I get a balance

                                                                                                                 between giving and getting, 

                                                                                                                                                          getting and giving...

[not shore what my print size will look to you...?]

Anyway... I don't watch the tele-evangelists much but I do like Joyce Meyer, because she had been in the place I can identify with. (In my youth I studied all the religious persuasions that I could, from all over the world, so I am not just plugging for the one here... )

   whatever 12 step code we play, we all have much in common... and as time goes on we seem to find even more.

Learning to trust others was a big step for me.

thanks again, my friend... ...

DavidG.

 

I fit much of the laundry list in my relating and experiencing life.

I struggle to grasp security, stable, consistent, and solid experiences.

I believe in God, yet always have been torn with how much He does versus what is my response ability.

How do we work together and I allow him to work, to make this day to day life ,one of abundance?

I have read through the big red book 3-4 times.

I'm on step seven.

I am growing and healing.

I am divorced.

I have had deep hurting emotional pangs much of my life.

I have tried and failed, and failed at trying.

I'm very tired, really very tired deep in my veins.

I have hope and know life can get better.

I am working on my life.

Thank you for sharing the posts and for creating an outlet for me.

I have grown, and am growing in a healthy esteem.

Deep sigh.

I am an ACOA in recovery.

One day at a time.

 

 

 

 

 

My story:  I came to ACA on suggestion from my marriage counselor.  I was on my third marriage and each one was a horrible mistake.  I really understood at that point that there was something very very wrong with me.  My current marriage has had a lot of help from a very good marriage counselor we still have a ways to go, but the difference from where we started is night and day. 

I tried to join ACA back in early 2000 but at that time, I was told that it was only for adult children of alcoholics.  Neither of my parents were alcoholics.   

So, at first I was diagnosed with Stockholm Syndrome and Betrayal Bonded and PTSD.  Ok.  Now Codependency to Socio/Psychopaths has been added, which is probably what the same thing as being Betrayal Bonded.  

When I go through my history, there is so much abuse, so many different kinds of abuse, by so many different people that both my marriage counselor and my trauma therapists just shake their heads and say, you have soooooo MANY triggers.  

Well. . . you have to start somewhere.

*winces just a little*

My mother was abused by her father and abandoned through illness (depression) by her mother.  My father was abused by his father.  

My mother, because her father was a pedophile and raped her, did not know how to protect me when I was growing up.  My sister and I spent almost every summer in his and my grandmothers care from the time I was a baby.  I am certain of his drugging me and raping me when I was thirteen.  My therapist seems to think there is a lot more than Ive suppressed.  

My mother did not attach to me, I was the odd one in the family always excluded from everything the family did.  I was a thing, for the most part.  I started taking care of the house when I was seven.  My name became slut when I was 10.  She used shame a lot. She was abusive spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually. 

Because she didnt have the boundaries herself to protect me, I was either molested or raped when I was six by the college aged son of a family friend.  I see him on the ceiling, like a lot of children do when they disassociate so Im not sure what really happened.  I know that his next in line younger brother pulled me out of the room much later, he committed suicide (the brother who pulled me out of the room.)  

When this son was later arrested for molesting his own child, I my mother was horrified and couldnt believe it, when I said I believed it, I was shamed and punished.  She never asked why I might believe such a thing. 

Mom was abusive in her own right.  She could lie like no tomorrow and would lie to set me up in events.  When I marry people, Im usually marry my mother.  She was the most abusive between my mother and my father and I was the one she choose to take it all out on.  I was the scape goat.  

The events with men kept happening at 10, at 12 at 13, and then again with my grandfather at 13.  I had a reprieve until I was 16, but then I was repeatedly raped over a several month period of time in a situation that I couldnt escape from.  I finally ran away from home.  

I am currently looking back at everything in therapy.  One of the things that was a problem was that there was no where that was safe where I was accepted and cared for.  I was abused at school, at home, at relatives house. . .  by different people for long periods of time, and from my mother severely and my father not as severely.  My father could be kind, could have empathy, my mother could not.  She is a sociopath. 

My boyfriend and I of three years the 20 year old broke up over the repetitive rapes.  He didnt believe me.  So, done.  But it didnt get done.  

I married a diagnosed psychopath, and had three children.  He left me to die while I was hemorrhaging with a miscarriage, was extremely sadistic, and poisoned me with arsenic three times. 

Between this, I was stalked by several men, raped, tortured and left for dead by one man, and had an attempted rape in front of my children.  

My second marriage was another psychopath, he murdered the man who took care of me when I escaped from that marriage. 

The man he killed was very kind, very selfless. . . first healthy relationship I ever had. . . 

The man I am married to now, is not a psychopath but we had a very tough go of it, at first.  It is better, now but I know that getting and staying healthy is a matter of life or death for me. . . I will be hurt again or killed if I dont get healthy.  

One of the themes that always goes with all of this is that no one ever believes me.  Im just exaggerating. . .which is what my husband and I are working out, now.  I dont know if its a cultural thing or if its something wrong with me somewhere. . . I guess thats something else Im trying to heal in.  

Thanks for listening.  

 

My mom wad an alcoholic my dad left , I'm dating a drug addict. I am codependent.  Please help.

Hi im new and feeling somewhat triggered by the articles i am reading.
my family did not drink, they were 2 generations away from alcoholics (great grandparents) on all sides. However they joined a religious cult and raised very strict emotional and shame.
when i was rebelling against it at 17 i trusted the wrong person who assaulted me... it happened again at 24... was betrayed by a boyfriend at 25 who assaulted his roommates sister. that retriggered me brought back memories from the past.
i tried to fix it then, trying again to fix it now.
therapy so hard... dealing with feeling real sometimes and not other times.
also have mental illness schizoaffective bipolar so sometimes what im thinking isnt real, not just ptsd but hallucinations or delusions or mental distortions.
that makes coping a bit harder.

i have a great deal of trouble knowing how much to trust people... either too much or too little.

 

     Hi Steve, Welcome Home... ...

greentea wrote:

---

i have a great deal of trouble knowing how much to trust people... either too much or too little.

---

   Hi there, D.

                     Welcome to the MIP ACA board... it is good to reach out and to respond to people who are motivated...

                      I had my fair share of catatonia and paranoia- I did not have many sane or sensible emotions demonstrated to me...

                       after years of trying, I still basically needed about 15 meeting a week!

coming here filled this need- I earned to share frequently without shame or embarrassment. These reality checks helped me to learn to trust my own thoughts and emotions.

At the 12 Tradition level, I earned to accept group norms and learned that by pitching in, it is all of us together who create these norms. It is all really a Work in Progress.

Trusting often begins with baby steps, as we call them... ...

 

cheers,

DavidG.

Step One- We admitted we were powerless over the effects of the family dysfunction and that our lives have become unmanageable.

My rock bottom occurred a few years ago when my boyfriend and I ended our relationship. He was a sociopath. I told myself I needed healing and can no longer date because I keep attracting the same type of relationship. Feeling abandoned over and over because they do not work. I was devastated. I wasn't actively doing any 12 step work though.. I didn't even think of going to a 12 step meeting until I had another rock bottom with my father. Then i started to attend al anon regularly for like one year. Then i grew out of it and started to go to meetings here which were extremely healing and helped me more than al anon did so i just stopped al anon all together. I stopping doing the 12 step work because I started to feel depressed and i over did it with doing too much work on a day to day basis and so i associated doing this kind of work as some kind of chore which is not what I want to do this time around. I want it to be a healthy balance where I'm doing my inner work but have time for play and fun and not taking it so seriously. I also got overwhelmed by all the things i knew i needed to work on, so on some level denial?

I hit a major rock bottom i think this week.. there were many events this year one by one and then another one today and I just cried and cried and feel i had enough. I'm sick of criticism from others.. i am not too sensitive.. i'm just attracting judgmental and critical people like my family.. and i feel so much shame that i just freeze and feel like i'm walking on egg shells with people. I feel sooooooo unloved and unlovable. I am giving too much of my power away to others but at the same time I realize if there is this much criticism and judgement from others i need distance. I need to feel whole within so i do not feel this way. I was rejected by a man that i fell in love with and never loved anyone so much never knew i can love anybody this much and the heartbreak is overbearing sometimes. My life is unmanageable at work.. I did babysitting job in the summer and my boss was nitpicking every single thing i was doing.. and i just froze and was unable to function at all because it was paralyzing. I attracted my father. I 'm terrified of life. i am terrified of going out in the world because its so scary. I am terrified of other people's criticism that I rather just hide and not come out of my room. I want to have a stable career but this terror of other people and incidents like my previous job babysitting makes it almost impossible because i get paralyzed by fear. my life is unmanageable if i cannot function on the job. Everything in my life has become unmanageable. This is my rock bottom. I don't have any control or power over any of this? That makes me feel so helpless. I feel like a victim.

Hi Everyone.  I'm 56 years old and recently realized a need for an ACA program.  I think I may have intuitively understood a need for this years ago but needed to deal with the fact that I am an alcoholic myself - and for the last 7 years have been sober via AA but was finding there was something missing.   I was finding myself 'alone' in trying to work through some of the feelings and problems associated with my upbringing - hence the reason I'm here.

My father was an alcoholic and my mother hooked up with him when she was 17 years old and Dad was 30.  He was already married and an active alcoholic ...and his first marriage was showing cracks when he met my mother.  Mom came from a highly dysfunctional home with alcoholism, abuse etc. and had been sent out to foster homes when she was around 8 as my Grandmother was overwhelmed with her many children (10 children + 2 still births and 1 death as infant). Grandma had her first child at age 13.  My mother will rarely speak of her upbringing other than to say that 'no one had it worse than her'. 

I was born before my parents married - and we lived very close to my Grandfather/Aunt and another Aunt (all from my Dad's side) across the field.   My Dad's entire family had difficulties with Alcohol but my Dad was the one who seemed to suffer the 'bottom' of alcoholism.  He was away most of the week for his job...and would drink from Friday night to Sunday and have much remorse afterwards.

Our family was reclusive in the neighbourhood, and Dad, although curious and liked to learn, was also 'very' angry and controlling.  He would sit in the basement drinking and play very loud music.  I don't recall our family ever doing anything together other than eating dinner and watching Walt Disney on Sundays.  I remember very little about my first 8 years as a child - other than a lot of tension in the house around my father's alcoholism.  My mother was a classic codependent and made sure to restock the bar and call in sick for Dad after his weekend binges.  Mom was (and continues to be) a perfectionist and kept a perfect house, perfect figure, and also blamed all of the problems on Dad alone.  I was always tiptoeing around trying not to be spanked for the slightest misstep.  We were not integrated with community due to hiding Dad's alcoholism.  My father was also very introverted.   

My parents divorced when I was 7-8 years old. At that time I was sent to live with my Aunt/Uncle for close to a year while their divorce took place.  My father supposedly won custody of my sister (5 1/2 years younger) and I ...(at least that is what he thought), but my mother says that Dad got custody of us because a psychiatrist advised it was the only thing that would keep  him from committing suicide as he had been so depressed about the family breaking up. At the time my parents split my Dad started AA.   My sister and I were together with dad for less than a year and then my Sister went to my mother while I was left with Dad and a series of caretakers he had hired for a total of two years.  He was incredibly angry with a hair triggered temper, extremely depressed...and I was terrified to ask for anything or be playful for fear of getting slapped alongside the head or yelled at. I was constantly being yelled at or spanked for the most minor of things.  One example...Dad was tapping a wiener on the side of a pot to get the water off of it.  I giggled to my sister because it had broken in half and looked funny on the fork.  My dad whacked me on the side of the head for giggling.   It was always like that around him.  

At around age 10 I ended up back with my Mother who had remarried.    In spite of Dad's suggestion that the family attend Al-Anon - I guess at that time (1969) we really didn't understand the significance of it...and I had bought into Mom's belief that it was all Dad's fault.  I quite honestly didn't understand the impacts of alcoholism on the family as a whole.

As a teenager I was starting to feel the effects of the past.  I was awkward around others, was a people pleaser and couldn't set clear boundaries.  I had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like.  Over the years I have had problems with maintaining friendships, been involved in drama situations, abandoned people, didn't trust anyone, felt inferior and have had a pattern of being attracted to authority figures and unhealthy relationships of that type. I was also very envious, highly competitive and wanted to be the best at things.  I also was very emotionally volatile and awkward.    In spite of thinking I would never be an Alcoholic like Dad... I believe I was an alcoholic right from my first drink. (which resulted in getting drunk). This started when I was 16 years old.  In my late teens I became extremely depressed and unsure of myself or my direction.  I would turn to my mother for comfort - not realizing her codependency and denial was also part of the family sickness.  She would always remind me to never blame the past, tell me that no one had it worse than her, or 'Dad Loved me'  or that I was thinking too much, or couldn't I just 'get over it'.   Any type of pondering about it meant weakness or blame.     Since she had never processed the feelings of her own past - I was not allowed to with her. ...  I think it was just too painful for her.  I also bought into the notion that looking at the past meant blaming...and that I was a bad daughter for doing so. 

My Dad went on to marry a woman in AA and I think the two of them were co-depressive people.  I had hated AA at that time because I thought my Dad was just so depressive and preachy even though he was sober....and I thought it was because of AA he was that way.    All of the same issues of having to tiptoe around him to avoid his anger and ranting never changed.  He'd come to visit and take me for a drive... and the entire time he would rant about how his life was so miserable, what a failure he was, how he hated Christmas, hated people...on and on.  I don't think he ever showed an interest in me or what my life was about - it was always about him and his problems.  If I challenged him he would smash his fist down onto the dashboard and scream and drive wildly.  I'd be terrified he would drive into an oncoming lane and kill us both.    Now I'm thinking it might because he never had a chance to process his own dysfunctional family origins or maybe he just never worked the 12 steps effectively.  In any case - in spite of being sober - my father was the most self absorbed, controlling, depressed person I had ever known in my life.  He passed away at the age of 60 sober, but remained emotionally depressed and anxious.

My mother continued on in relationships with other alcoholic relationships and marriages.  Her latest marriage was to a (64 oz a day Whisky Drinker) who was 'the life of the party' so to speak. He died 3 years ago due to esophageal cancer which may have been triggered as a result of his alcoholism.  Between the alcohol and chemotherapy he would have psychotic episodes and scream profanities all night long at my mother.   We tried to sooth/support both her and my stepfather during that time...but I had difficulty with my rage toward Mom for choosing another alcoholic and for denying everything leading up to that.  She became like a servant to an alcoholic...even choosing to live a block from the liquor store to make it easier for him to get his booze.  She was continuing to lie and enable marriage and then lash out at me as being unsupportive and not 'there for her'.   Her entire social realm has revolved around alcoholics and addicts.    She did attend a couple of Al-Anon meetings but she could not see how it applied to her...and its purpose, in her mind, was to tolerate her alcoholic. She simply is unable to see she has choices or options in relation to alcoholics.  My sister also became alcoholic and after hitting a bottom, has managed to stay off booze but without a support program of any sort.  Both mother and sister do not believe in the 12 step programs and that may partly be due to Dad having been such a 'dry drunk' after getting sober.  (since he continued to be so depressed after getting sober but still in the AA program)

 When I went into AA  a little over 7 years ago - I did so with my tail between my legs as it really was a last resort for me.  I  had tried for over a year to stop drinking on my own and couldn't --- so I was just so clear I'd do anything to stop drinking I really didn't want to be like Dad.   As a result of my getting sober,  the dynamics began to change with my Mom and sister.      In past we could share together time by drinking... and everyone could just feel happy being drunk.   When sober,  I started to challenge the status of our family dynamics and found the denial of it all very difficult to be around. 

My mother is like a pit bull when you try to see the truth... and she verbally attacks and criticizes.  This past year at Christmas I just couldn't bear the thought of the family being together with all of the denial and I was totally overwhelmed with the idea of how to 'fix' it like I used to try as a child.    I couldn't figure out what path to take and for now needed to be alone.  AA wasn't enough and I found myself alienated when I was trying to process family related issues.   I can't believe it's taken this long to discover the ACA program.  When I read the 'Problem' and the characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics everything seems to fit.

There are no ACA 'meetings' here in my area.  I know I isolate and intellectualize so those will be my biggest challenges.  When I reached out for help in past - I always found myself compromised by my choice of person I approached for help.  (that's a whole other story).

Anyway - I look forward to this ongoing journey of getting healthier and appreciate reading other people's sharings.   Even as I write this I can tell I have some serious work to do.  It's also overwhelming when there's the triple need of AA, Al-Anon and ACA as all programs apply in some way. It's just that I can so clearly see that the programs of my upbringing are running my personality and I don't feel really healthy.  Thanks.

I am new to therapy... new to acoa... and new to coda... All brought to light by 6 mos of therapy and many years of dysfunctional relationships and hard-learned lessons. Therapy was offered by my employer as a free service to its employees. I am a registered nurse employed by the local community hospital; a place where I have found a great deal of purpose and solace over the years.  Unfortunately, my dysfunctional patterns of behavior have not only affected my personal life, but also my professional life to an extent.  However, I am fortunate in a lot of respects and have not suffered any long-term consequences as a result of my own doing... Therapy has blown my dysfunctional world apart and allowed me to experience a great deal of pain, but has also allowed me to start to put the pieces back together in a more functional and healthy way.  The process is overwhelming at times and is quite uncomfortable, however I have found that inner-strength and peace can be found in recovery. 

-- Edited by swilli on Friday 1st of January 2016 01:21:35 PM

My story:
Hi everyone, I am new here to ACA, my therapist suggested me to join and interact with other victims of alcoholism. I am 20 years old and have an alcoholic mother. We are trying to work things out (but I'm starting to doubt this, since it feels like I'm the one who puts the most effort in), me and my mum are seeing a family therapist at the moment. But I have recently found out that she has been drinking over the past year, when she promised she would stop in order to work and establish some sort of a daughter mother relationship. I don't know what to do now, so maybe this would help me in some way to make my mind up.
Better start with it, my father committed suicide when I was 4 years old and this was the catalyst for my mother to start drinking. Until I was around 11 years old, her drinking never harmed me nor my younger brother (in fact, she has never done anything to my little brother sober or drunk). She started verbally abuse me when I was around 11, she would burst into my room late at night and just start screaming at me, saying I was a horrible, selfish child. This was terrifying, being woken up from a deep sleep to someone screaming in your face for no apparent reason. This would continue for a year or so. In the end I would attempt to agree with her to try and calm her down, sometimes it would work and she would leave after 1/2 an hour to 1 hour of verbal abuse.
It started to turn more violent and eventually the physical abuse began, I was 13-ish at time. Nothing seemed to work anymore, if I tried to agree with her she would slap me and snigger at me saying I was stupid. I did try and defend myself once, by slapping my mum across the face, which ended up in a beating for me. She has said that I'm a big mistake and that she regrets having me, I truly believe this is the truth to the present day and still find it a struggle today. At the time that this was said I didn't know how the hell to react, I just remember pushing her out of my room and having a breakdown. All the while she was smug and laughing. Throughout my adolescence I have been the mother, not the daughter in this "relationship".
One night when I was 14, I walked out of my room to find blood all over the doors. My mother had collapsed on the bathroom floor and cracked her head open, I had to clean her up (and her blood) and stop the bleeding. At such a young age, I didn't know if she had died because of the amount of blood on the floor and the walls. She made endless promises that this would be the last time she would drink. That she knows she's let me down and that she was sorry. But it didn't end. It carried on, one of her drunken arguments got so out of hand that I had to hold my door closed for 4 hours while she had a kitchen knife trying to break the door (I know this because my brother was shouting at her to drop the knife).
As I got older, the physical abuse stopped because she knew that I could cause her more damage and that I could defend myself. But the verbal abuse carried on, it wasn't as bad as it was when I was 13/14 but it was still happening. So I started to self harm when I was 16, I was depressed and suicidal. This went on for about 1 and a 1/2 years when I decided I needed to go to university to get away, so I stopped for a fresh start. On my last night before going to uni, my mother got so wasted she was unconscious on the kitchen worktop (a common habit of hers) and mumbled she didn't want me to go, I still think she didn't want me to leave because I was her punch bag where she let loose of all her stress and problems.
Somehow, I have let her stay in my life because I want (for some reason) a real relationship with her, where she is the mother and I am the daughter. So I told her she needs to go to a therapist if she wants me to come home for the holidays, and fair play to her she has. But last year, she lost her brother suddenly, and she promised that this was the end, the final straw, she would not drink again. For a whole year, I actually believed her lies that she was sober, I was actually encouraging her and confessing to her that I was starting to feel happy instead of nervous and on the verge of having a panic attack when I was coming home from uni. But I have recently found 5 empty bottles of wine (I don't touch the stuff because I'm so worried how I would react on wine, and my brother hates wine). I feel so stupid, I don't know if I should give her yet another chance. I feel like I am in a losing game. Any advice or tips would really help me right now, thanks.

Hello everyone,

 

I am new to ACA. I've been since 2 years in Al-Anon and I'm in te middle of a (loong anf painfull) 4th step

inventory, and I felt the need to do some work on a deeper level to deal with the painfull feelings of rejections

and abandonement that arise within me. I am reading your stories and cry, I am at the first page for now,

but I want to read them all, because each story feels like a part of me being revelead to myself.

I also read tha lundry list and all the traits apply to me.

My story. I come from a family with multiple dysfunction, my father was a functional A (i e drank but had a job,

status, good social image, etc.) and also a workaholic, and now drinks less but became a TV addict and also chemical addict.

My mother is a WA and chemical addict and enabler for my father.

As a child I was beaten and criticised, shut up in my personality and came to totally deny myself and I become an overachiever.

I had brilliant grades and chased 'bad guys' to make me feel important and appreciated. I have a huge fear of abandon and

being alone, although when I am alone I am better that with someone, I guess.

I am 10 married and have 4 kids under the age of 8. My husband is a functional A too, and gaming addict.

I feel that I am raising the children by myself, and I have someone with whom I share the house, vacations, and sex,

but we don't share any meal, activities, time together or time as a family, with the children, nor in the evenings not 

in week-ends becaue he is gaming and drinking. But he does support us financially while I stopped working to raise the children

because otherwise I would have to do both and felt like it was too much for me. I also need to work on myself so much

and I appreciate being able to do some recovery work in my (little) spear time as a mom.

 

The most damaging for me was the criticising. Today I fear so much when people judge me or criticise me, sometimes

with my mother in law who has denigrated me so much over the past years I felt shaking, like I was going to faint

or die when she treated me badly an shamed me, and my husband took a very long time before he decided to stand by me,

the day I told him I am going to divorce if he continues forcing me to bear his mother's behaviour. And I meant it.

So 3 years ago I stopped seeing my in laws, so did my husband but after one year he decided to start seeing them again

because 'his mother changed'. Now he is trying to drag me back to seeing his family and I feel guilty and ashamed

because I can't do that for him, I am uncapable to stand up for myself with my mil, and therefore I prefer

no contact, but I feel guilty and ashamed because it's like I am putting a stain on the 'perfect family image'.

I feel like everyone thinks this is all because of my fault, because 'I have issues' but no one doubts

my mil, of course, she has all the family under control and they all would like to see me back into a relationship

with her so that she could control me like she used to do and manipulate me and our couple into breaking apart

from each other (this is how I feel it) and I feel like I am alone with the whole world against me and the whole

world thinks I am guilty because I am not capable ot 'forgiving and forgetting' and 'behave normally' for 'family's sake'

(my husband's words).

I know that a prt of our couple's problems are beacuse I am so needy and he is so unavailable and gets angry if I try

to talk about intimate matters (the ones that bother him mostly). I whish I cold take care of my needs and 'parent myself'

but I don't know how to do it, I have no idea. I am reading the red book right now and your shares, I hope I will find some light.

(I already found comfort, a lot of it)

As a child I have been abandoned and neglected, for now that hurts much more than the beatings.

I have developped a sense of unworthyness and self depreciation that makes it impossible for me to love myself.

I even wonder if I am capable of love and if I will ever be. It seems like something broke and it will stay broke forever

and now it's too late. I feel hopeless. I ahve no idea how to be a parent to myself, I seem to fail everything anyway.

I am here because I desperately want to believe that my feelings are wrong. But for now I only have my feelings to tell

me who I am. And they are negative.

 

Thank you so much for letting me share, I am gratefull to have found this group,

 

Ileana, France

 

 

Hi Ileana,

              I am an oldtimer here, though a lot of that time I spent in Alanon...

                                                                                                                I have done a lot of my work, especially through the Yellow Workbook,

and am taking more of a backseat. But I truly loved your "self-talk" coming through in your second posting... I have to say something... this MIP ACA

is a special place because we all make it so... it is our own testimony to ourselves... I call it home because it is actually here for me anytime, and everytime

I log in to my 'puter. Besides my own sharing I sometimes talk about light things- "pets" "hobbies" "books", without giving away my anonymity, and it just takes my

mind off of "the thing" that bought me here; even for a moment.

Self awareness, or insight, coupled with some action and motivation, brings us here and sustains my journey. Having broken the shell of isolation I am ready to emerge as a somebody, and I am willing (if not desperate!) to find out who this somebody is... ...

   ...the issues we face are just so real- so starkly real... and I always ask myself- how did I ever manage to live like this. This is not living, this is existence! Not even existence- it is just a cruel joke! ,,,,,,

                                                           I have a relationship issue that is actually sorting itself out- a saving grace... I think we are always attracted to people, or situations, just like our own... there appears to be no escape. This is my Alanon background- to give it my best shot! But not to be a fool. or a martyr! 

The combined force of sharing here is just so powerful, so compelling... it is telling me who I am and what i can be. This week I am testing this out, for myself... my baby steps turn into walking, and then some longer strides...

                                                                       and a hop and a skip sometimes... ...

cheers,

DavidG.

My Story: An Overview -- The Delusional Power of Implacability

placate: make (someone) less angry or hostile; synonyms: pacify, calm, appease, mollify, soothe, win over, conciliate, humor, make peace with

implacable: unable to be placated; synonyms: unappeasable, unforgiving

For an otherwise intelligent person, I can be a little slow sometimes. Then again, it COULD BE that Life is unfolding exactly as It wills. (I'm going with the latter.) I have come to peace with something that has plagued me for (nearly) my entire life as I know it: There is a delusional power in implacability.

I 'came up' in the thick of anger and hostility. There were countless contributing factors. Societal upheaval; transiency; geographical distances from family and familiar ways of life; economic struggles; endless demands and expectations; and, yes, addiction and addictive behaviors. From a young age, I was sensitive to these factors -- and to the resultant anger and hostility.

I learned that 'good' children did whatever they could do to AVOID contributing to the things that led to anger and hostility, and embarked on a 50+ years-long quest to stamp out hostility. I failed miserably. At least that was what I believed. No matter what I did, the anger and hostility grew. And, somehow, I was responsible for that.

Proverbially speaking, I walked on eggs...waited for the other shoe to drop...and was damned if I did and damned if I didn't more times than I even want to remember. In retrospect, I wonder: Was there nowhere else to walk? Shouldn't the drop of the first shoe be enough to get my attention? If I was damned either way, wouldn't it have been clear that nothing mattered? Well...yes. But see? That's not how implacability works. Insane.

I've always had 'trouble' with the term 'people pleasing'; mainly because I was never able to please anybody. Now I see that it is not possible. The 'people' are implacable -- and they tend to cling to the implacability for dear life (at least that's what the delusion requires the deluded ones to think). I see now that if the hostility had been stripped away from my family, there would have been nothing left to keep us together. I was fighting a losing battle...trying to break the tie that binds. [Another double bind.] And the pervasive hostility could not be suitably accompanied by anything besides this refusal to be pacified. The insanity of it is that the perception of powerlessness over the pain resulted in a pitiable resistance to peace...which led to more pain... Wash, rinse, repeat.

Implacability...power in weakness.

I became emotionally crippled and retarded because of my experiences in my family of origin. I got married (twice) ... to beautiful, talented, emotionally crippled, distant women. I was still enjoying the delusion that I could 'prove' my love and win them over. When they needed space to grow, I chased them down and tried to love them to death -- still seeking that elusive closeness and connection. Yeah. It didn't work. At all.

I blamed myself mercilessly -- the determined Implacable One. I was worthless. Became religiously obsessed with seeking absolution. Found a 'new' church 'family'. Begged for forgiveness from my sins. 'Lovingly' told other people how filthy and hopeless they were (like me) and how much they needed 'god' to make them right (not like me). I traded my implacable family for an implacable 'father in heaven', and then I set out to find ways to placate 'him'. Sick.

That wasn't enough for me, though. This boatload of determination sailed into 'the rooms' when I continued my quest armed with the 12 Steps. FINALLY ... instructions! 'It' works if you work it. If it ain't workin', you ain't workin' it. Half-measures avail us nothing, huh? Sounds like my kind of project. How about a measure and a half?! Feverishly memorizing literature. Fervently working The Steps. Attending meeting after meeting. Service work. Sharing my experience, strength, and hope. Well...one out of three ain't bad. I figured experience, 'determination', and 'confidence' would work. Same things, right?

Because of a blessed combination of exhaustion, desperation, and enlightenment (via the Tony A version of the 12 Steps), I now choose peace. Walking, not working The Steps. Not trying to 'prove' anything. Lo and behold, this choice has resulted in my giving up the fight to (pretend to) have a 'family experience' with the people who hate to love me. I have a father, a mother, a brother, and a sister (and a slew of extended family members) who are perfectly happy to stay in the misery of implacability. Peace and happiness are not viable options. Occasionally, though, I bump into others who have decided to turn away from misery and implacability ... and embrace peace. Sometimes I even meet one or two in an ACA meeting.

I surrender. I am no longer responsible for other people's experience of anger and hostility. No more will I trade my truth in an attempt to placate another person. Period. People tell me "that's mean." Tell me I'm mean. It's fine. So be it.

Hell...just the other night, my own father told me, "you're a deceitful, thieving, stupid mother fucker." Today, I am gratefully aware enough of myself to know that I am not a liar, or a thief, or stupid. And, with the exception of emotional incest, I never had sex with my mother. I'm glad that I was able to thank my father for being a great teacher in my new life lesson plan. Awareness...priceless.

It was not possible for me to accept love while I was stuck in the hell of dysfunction and 'dyspleasure'. It's just not possible for unhappy people to have any awareness of love and acceptance. Others, as once did I in dutiful ways, only respond to pitiful sympathy. Real acceptance and love isn't on the menu. It doesn't matter to these people that I actually DO have a measure of non-expectant love for them. It matters to me, but not to them. Now I know that the love and respect that I offer to others reflect the love and respect that I have opened myself up to. That's just the way it is. I respect them now more than ever -- because I respect me now more than ever, and they are more skilled than ever in remaining disturbed. Sad? Yes. They have their lives, and only I can live mine.

Peace to all who read here.

Hi everyone. I was directed here by a friend today. I have just unfriended and blocked my father after more than 3 decades of emotional abuse due to his drinking. I'm having a hard time with the guilt, the love and the anger. I hope to learn some things about letting go.

i am a 22 year old women from england, united kingdom and i have come to a brick wall in my life. I am completely and utterly consumed by anxiety, depression, i hate myself, im self sabotaging, im angry and i just cannot do this anymore. My relationship with my boyfriend of over a year, in which we are both very much in love, is at breaking point because of arguements all because of me taking things as rejection. 

My mum is a recovering alcoholic of 10 years and is my inspiration, if she can go through who she was to who she is now... surely i can?

My mum put myself and my sisters into foster care when i was 8-9 years old after years of horrific things a child should never have to witness and me caring for my sisters at such a young age. She got better, and eventually myself after 10+ years in care i went back to her and we are building on our relationship ever since. At one point before she stopped she actually lost feeling in her legs and had 1 month given to her to live. A child shouldnt have to go through that! but i understand and have worked with her now and understand it was the illness not her.

Since recovering the trauma hasnt stopped there, she has got over cancer, epilepsy, and plenty more but she doesnt give up she keeps fighting! im so proud of her. Last year my father unexpectly passed away and i was next of kin so had to organise the whole funeral and i actually spoke out loud.

 

So anyway this is where i am now, in result of all that trauma. I feel crazy and loosing my mind i love my boyfriend but i cannot cope and put a stop to these anxious outbursts when i think hes rejecting me = im so hopeless :(

 

Hi All,

 

the german 12 steps forum has been closed so I was looking for another platform for going on writing.

 

A few weeks ago I moved from a city to a small village and had a lot of issues, but neither I had the time to write, nor the platform for doing this. So I felt a break in my history (the move) and a break in writing at the same time. 

 

My parents were drinking and died long time ago. Also I had problems with alcohol, but I stopped drinking in 1998. Currently my main issue, I lost some contacts due to isolation problems, but step by step I could resolve this and it is going on better each day.

 

I do a combinated (biodynamic or "body") therapy (don't know how this will be exactly described in english) in addition with a homeopathic therapy. This helped me a lot to get health from some body sickness, but from a psychological p o v, still driving "rollercoaster", heavily ups and downs. 

 

Hope I can share my story step by step. I have some questions, does anyone writes his diary here and can I do this also?

 

Wish you good 24h & best regards, Huey

 

Judith,

Noone here can say if you're BP or not. I have been on the same meds used in BP, but I was epileptic. They used and use many of the same medications for different maladies.

I can only share my experience.

I knew a man "diagnosed" as bipolar, seeing no symptoms (no highs or lows) and I told him. And as he switched counselors he found one I knew myself. He did find out he was not bipolar. I do know he tried multiple medications in the year(s) he believed he was. He definitely was all adult child, a runner (from people and emotions), and a rager. He held it in until he blew up on everyone. I was not in ACA then.

To answer your question--no, you don't need to fit all the characteristics. You shared you saw most of the connections, and to me, it sounds like you know the answer already. For myself, denial has had a lot of power, for it kept me mentally "safe". I am in ACA now, yet I am slowly and steadily seeing I hide and have hid a lot of my life. I've been in rooms many years.....and I've been "fine".

And for me, being "fine" is pain in slow motion. In a word, I'd call it miserable. Spitting it out here, in my AlAnon and ACA meetings, and with my sponsor gives me validation, accountability, and encouragement......for NOONE can do this alone. I'm no socialite, but I need 1 or 2 safe people around where I can hear my own thinking. I need to share. Just asking the questions........is both painful AND relieving, which is different.

Honesty. Who knew?

P.S. Since you're isolated, there are MANY phone ACA meetings each and every day. Go to adultchildren.org, and pick "telephone" meetings.

I HAVE JUST RE-READ MY HISTORY STORY I FOUND IT COMFORTING TO REALISE THAT I HAD THE COURAGE TO PUT IT OUT THERE AND BE OPEN ABOUT MYSELF I HAVE COME ALONG WAY FROM THE MISERY AND PAIN

Hello! I became aware of ACA and my own status as the adult child of a dysfunctional family back in 2013. I was going through a devastating separation from my partner of nearly 11 years, and the resulting fallout led me to ACA. This fellowship and others like it saved my life during those dark times - the darkest I have known to date.

I was deeply involved in the program for awhile, and was beginning to really give myself over to my Higher Power. Things were working very well for me. However, when I found a new relationship (we've been married nearly 2 years now), I drifted further and further away from my recovery.

Lots of things have happened since then and while my situation is no longer the same, my insidious need to fix, manage and control things that are not my business has once again become an obsession. I've now learned that for me, there is no sanity without this program and others that speak to my diseases of dysfunction. My laundry list traits of people pleasing, fearing authority figures and clinging desperately to bad situations need my Higher Power's guidance and wisdom to overcome.

My life experience has taught me that I cannot trust myself unless I am in conscious contact with my Higher Power's loving guidance. Thank you for being here!