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Cygnus · Member

RE: Share your story here.

doeeyedgirl · Newbie

^ Me too. :/

adonaisgirl · Guru

I am the Queen of the Retreads...... I come and go out of these rooms and f2f rooms when the insanity gets too much, then get 'healed' and let life encroach on my time and think I am okay enough to do life on my own and 'poof' I disappear....... only to surface years later more beaten and more damaged than I was the time before because I lose a little hope every time. Someday, one day, I will realize that I cannot do life without my brothers and sisters in recovery to help me stay on course...sigh....

my life in a nutshell...
alcoholic father emotionally abandoning mother who was a flaming aca who never shared that her own father drank until I was in my 30's! And here I thought I was the reason MY father drank and she knew all along the pattern but never helped me overcome it.....bless her heart.
Currently separated from Husband #3... all three alcoholic/dysfunctional men that I thought 'needed' me to help 'fix' them... nothing codependent about that is there? ... sarcastic laugh....
Found 12 step 25 years ago through OA... found ACA from OA and was HOME. Laundry list made sense, life made sense even in the midst of divorce from #1... I got healthier and he left... went on to marry #2 a recovering addict and alcoholic, figured if I was going to pick them I might as well pick one in recovery. The idea that I could attract a NORMAL person never entered my mind...ever... He died after a few years illness related to his former using. Married again 6 years ago to another recovering alcoholic who was really just a sober aca and our issues made life hell for both of us. We are in separate 12 step groups and I am back here trying to finally finish this work I keep starting ... to do a thorough 4th step and get to the bottom of the bottom so I can heal. I am turning 60 this year..... it is time.......

thanks for letting me share.....

donna/adonaisgirl

slowerlearner · Newbie

david wrote:
Prof wrote:
Now, years later, I'm struggling with loneliness, emptiness, authority anxiety, fear of men, lack of deep relationships with people.
Welcome to the club... I won't detail what happened to me. I always get lost in the detail... but I still need to talk about it, to own it...
ACA is fairly new- I have trialed it, for myself... all I can really do. Will it work for others? It seems so for me...
...my perspective has changed so much. I have a sense of who I am- something I had lost, for most/much of my life.

We often say... ~welcome home~ this belies a deep sensitivity... a true born survivor... someone who today had a great joie de vivre...
some one who has hopes that I can act on... I still have trials and difficulties, but I like to think these are regular ones...

Wow, wow. This is me in a nutshell. Loneliness, emptiness, anxiety, no relationships. Mine is a long story too. I can so relate to alot of what is written here I could just cry. It brings sadness but also hope. That there are other people out there like me. What I find hard and exhausting is everyday the struggle to put one foot in front of the other. I can't share my story here as I don't have time. Just found this thread when I have to get ready for work. But I'm coming back.

slowerlearner · Newbie

My story. Dad was a raging alcoholic. Never really held down any job. Little ones here and there. Spent most of his life in and out to treatment centers and state hospitals. As soon as he got out he found the bottle. My home life was a series of dad is home drunk somewhere. He would drink in the sheds and old cars and the barn. And then the cops would come and haul him off and he would be gone for months at a time. My mom - who is a product of an alcoholic family - was a master enabler. Drinking with dad when he was home and then getting him hauled off when he became too drunk. Then she would pack all of us kids into a car and drive to whatever state hospital dad had been put in - this seemed like almost every weekend. I know every state hopsital and treatment facility in the state. We would drive to places where dad was drunk and living in the street and haul him home. Always to the rescue! My mom also drank - but did manage to hold down a factory job that barely covered the bills. She was an extreme Catholic - always praying - and then crying over how bad her life was. When dad was home it was always chaos, Mom and dad fighting, Mom throwing things. Dad getting the gun and trying to kill himself. I became the rescuser of my mother and father. Trying to make mom happy and trying to get dad to quit drinking. I hauled him to treatment center myself, found him places to live, took over his finances, working with social workers to get him committed and then driving places to rescue him.

I then I married an alcoholic and became the confused, angry enabler to him. What a mess. At this point I don't know who I am, I have low self-esteem and am an extreme people pleaser. I have anxiety and depression issues and have hyper sensitivity to everyone moods. I want everyone happy and happy with me. I feel responsible for everyone else except me and my happiness. What an existence. I see how my growing up with alcohol and chaos has messed up my head. I have very few friends and prefer to be by myself - less stress that way. I have a good job but very few friends because my social skills are non-existant. I come home and watch my husband drink. Thank goodness for my horses - they are my sanity.

I have about every trait listed for a codependent and find that depressing. I really don't want to dredge up old feeling and examine them - it's too hard and emotional. These life histories that I have read here I can so relate to-there's other people out there like me!

tasha · Service

Baby steps

Small bites

Gentleness breaks

One thing at a time

Just for today

Let us love you until you can love yourself

*I relate completely to your story*

So glad you're here - Keep coming back - You help us by helping you

With love xoxoxoxoxo

chatworthy · Guru

x

-- Edited by chatworthy on Saturday 29th of November 2014 10:17:48 AM

Sabin · Senior Member

My story of growing up in a dysfunctional alcoholic family began in 1961 , born into an an Irish family both parents had moved to UK to set up home. I was the second of 4 girls. My mothers first born a boy died when he was a few months old. They were poor and struggled to get by. From what I can piece together my mother did not start drinking until I was about 2-3. My mother could not cope with 4 young children and drinking made it worse. She would lock us all in a room and go out drinking, she was a very angry violent drunk and flew into terrible rages that use to terrify me. When I was 4 me and my sisters were placed into the care system and remained there for my childhood until I reached 16 and was given a flat. During my childhood my sisters and I would have home visits and stay weekends with my mom and dad, yes! Strangely they stayed together catholic thing maybe. These visits were terrible they fought, drank, smashed the house basically just felt traumatised but unable to do anything it became normal to go on these visits. Emotionally my feelings around this went from pity for my parents to shame, embarrassment and feeling of being alone and detached from them, like I really had nothing to do with them even though I knew they were my parents. I focused more on my mother as my father seemed and acted like he was a victim like us powerless, I have since recognised that he was as neglectful and harmful in his selfishness as my mother was in cruelty and violence. Moving on with the story my mother went on to have two more children when I was about 11 these kids ended up being adopted as her behaviour never got any better. My parents then split up due to another man being the father of her last two kids, I am not sure when my dad found out , I think it was shortly after her 6th child being born. My oldest sister died when I was 13 drug over dose accidental, she went to a party drank and took barbiturates and never regained consciousness that was the most painful experience of my life, seeing her in hospital attached to tubes and I knew it was the end. I really hated my mother then for being so useless and not helping my sister, I blamed her, for my sister's death and for giving her such a sad burdensome miserable life. I did not realise until she died that my sister was the closest person in the world to me. I will have a rest now and finish this some other time. Thanks for all the other stories we are not alone, I have more understanding for my parents now that I have worked on my stuff and accept they were just living in the madness without recovery and I have lived there my self and affected my own family. More of the story, in a nutshell I recycled all the pain, suffering and misery. As an adult I was unaware of the pain that was inside me, the defences I had as a child became obstacles to fitting into the adult world, I had real difficulty with confidence, self esteem, addiction, depression. On the plus side I was extremely observant and had a sense of humour thank God. I had three children whom I love dearly yet before recovery I treated very badly, Domestic violence and alcoholism nearly destroyed me, shame, guilt and remorse overwhelmed me. Recovery has been slow and at times extremely painful in a healing way. AA first then ACA as well as 4 years of gestalt therapy , I am so grateful and so human today, aware, alive and connected to life.

-- Edited by Sabin on Monday 21st of July 2014 04:01:53 PM

tasha · Service

Nicci · Newbie

Hi all! New here, found this site looking for ACOA meetings in my area, of which there aren't many unfortunately.

So here's my story.... Father was an alcoholic, drug addict, mentally ill. Mother is a huge co-dependent. I am the oldest child (care taker) of 3, both younger sibs are addicts. My childhood memories are mostly traumatic, full of abuse (physical, mental, sexual) With the exception of the sexual abuse, the physical & mental abuse was carried out by my father. Oddly enough I feel I was closest to him growing up. My home was chaotic. Lots of memories of parents fighting, my father getting into drunkin brawls with friends and neighbors, watched my father almost shot by the police for walking down the street with a loaded shotgun, watched my father swallow a bottle of pills & chase it with a bottle of vodka in an attempt of suicide etc.

Mother is a bit more complicated to describe. She never used drugs or alcohol while I was a child and never struck me however she was a silent participant in the abuse. What I mean is, I was told from an early age that she never wanted a daughter & so she dressed me as a boy for many years, she told me I was a "b*tch" when I was 7 years old, she never stopped any physical abuse and even sometimes would lie or make things up to "get me in trouble" with my father which would then lead to physical abuse. There were a lot of lies & manipulation on her part and as I got older I felt that there was always a sense of jealousy and competitiveness within our relationship.

5 years ago my father committed suicide, the year before he suffered a stroke after a couple weeks of binging on alcohol. After my fathers death I became debilitated by anxiety & panic, to the point that I lost my job of 13 years and dropped out of college because I couldn't leave my home without suffering a panic attack. After nearly a year of therapy I was able to gain control of my life once again and within the last few years I feel that a veil has been slowly lifting, which brings me here.

I am recently estranged from my mother and younger sibs. The dysfunction that has been my life has become so clear to me that I can no longer over look or ignore it. I want so badly to have peace and happiness in my life that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get there. I have a 10 year old and I have fought to save her from having a dysfunctional home. While looking for support for people like me, who are estranged from parents, I came across the ACOA checklist and realized I am all of those things! I am isolated & distrusting (been single for 10 years because I don't trust myself to choose a healthy partner & will not subject my child to dysfunction) The only thing that doesn't resonate with me is the lying when you could tell the truth, probably because there have been so many lies & manipulations in my life, I refuse to be that way. Anyway, in trying so hard to save my child from dysfunction I realize that identifying with so many things on the checklist has brought a dysfunction to my childs life on it's own. Sure it doesn't come by way of violence, chaos or lack of safety, but to be isolated, distrustful or to not understand boundaries is a different set of unhealthy issues I know I need to work through.

Thanks for reading, looking forward to sharing & learning!

Katydid0510 · Newbie

Wow, where do I start. My father has been a verbally-abusive alcoholic all my life and isn't about to stop any time soon. My mother is a co-dependent enabler, but we are very close as I am an only child and early on, substituted me for her loving, stable relationship partner. About a year ago, I started therapy for it all and it changed my life. I learned about ACOA and it was, as so many have stated, like someone wrote that list, the 13 characteristics, about me. I read, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and I had to just put away the highlighter because every word on every page applied to my life with my father. I gave it to my mother and I think it has helped her a little, but she is still largely in denial.
When I was younger, my mother said to me, "If you would just give your father a chance, you could have him wrapped around your little finger," like he was some kind of blessing that I was just taking for granted. Now I realize how poisonous those words were. Up until about a month ago, I rejected the idea of having a father in my life because I simply could not fathom the thought. I see other adult women who have good, even loving, relationships with their fathers and I am not jealous because I have simply no idea what that might be like. But since going to therapy and beginning to take control of my emotions, I have realized, maybe I deserved to have love from a father in my life? I mean, didn't I deserve to have TWO loving parents? Don't any of us? I have realized I want SOMEONE to be my dad, but I have also learned to get past the "magical thinking." He is who he is, and he is never going to change. I have to be realistic.
As an example of this, my parents and I were at an event recently where every adult got three free drinks. Mom and I each used one drink, which meant we each had two leftover drinks we could "cash in." My father drank all three of his and mom's two. Then he turned to me and said, "You're not going to let those go to waste, are you?" I said, "Yeah." He then said, "After I mowed your lawn for you the other day, you owe me!" I realized at that moment, that is how it has always been. Love with conditions. I never asked him to mow the lawn, of course. And he would never do that out of love. Thanks to the help I received in therapy where I realized I could almost forgive him, I quietly got up and cashed in the last two drinks and gave them to him. I did it without anger, because I finally truly realized what he is, and will always be.
That is the biggest benefit to me, the letting go of the anger. I spent so many years getting mad, now I feel almost a sense of peace. I am so grateful for this. My prayers for all of you. May you find peace.

shehart · Newbie

Hello all. I landed here after my therapist suggested I look into ACOA. I'm not really good at sharing and started to write my story, but it was turning into a novel. Now I'm starting over and I'm going to start out by keeping my introduction brief. Both of my parents are alcoholics. They are also both adult children of alcoholics, so there's some fun for you. They were never married to each other, but have been together for over 32 years, basically since mom got pregnant with me. Mom is recovering and hasn't had a drink in years. Dad is still drinking heavily. I'm the overachieving child with high expectations for myself always trying to impress my dad and make him proud.

Even though I seem to have it all together, I know deep down that I really don't. I struggle with all types of relationships and don't really feel like a have an emotional connection with anyone. I'm twice divorced and have three children all with different fathers. Right now, I just feel like I'm stuck in the middle. I have three kids and two parents to take care of and a lot of the time I feel like I put my parents' needs over the kids' and of course my own. In reality I know that I'm just perpetuating this cycle. I've already seen some codependent behavior in my 13 year old middle child. I want to get on the path to recovery, so this cycle can end and it can end with me. Hopefully I'm not too late for my own children.

Neos2 · Guru

Thank you for letting me share don't have much serenity a lot of feelings especially anger Iwas in acoa about 19 years back and found so much freedom then the meeting shut down have been to aa alanon but I'm acoa I don't know where to start there seems to be so much my moods seem to be all over the place i realized the other day I've been taking care of everyone else's feelings for a long long time and now I'm sick and tired of it and tired of being there for people and then when I need someone to talk to they discontinue talking till I'm doing ok well thanks for listening at least I don't feel youll try to fix me I just need to be heard

david · Guru

Neos2 wrote:
well thanks for listening at least I don't feel youll try to fix me I just need to be heard

smile smile smile ...

WindSwept · Newbie

I'm a product of the same old story: Three jobs, hardworking A father, DA (valium) '60's suburban mom, a ton of perfectionism always expected or else (you don't wanna know what "else" meant). Being the oldest of four, I listened, supported and carried my mother's misery and depression from an early age, and caught my dad's anger along the way too. I became bitter, quit goals or projects I had started, and didn't give a flip. Now that I look back on it, I believe I was only being rebellious; except it turned out to be me that I was turning against and hurting. Others in the circle could have cared less. They just didn't acknowledge me. Later, I learned that if I spoke and lived EXACTLY as was expected, I was considered a person. I felt whole and human, so I thought. That's what I've done for years, 37 to be exact...until today.

I'm very scared and fearful of the future. My A husband has had a stroke. He is doing well, considering the circumstances but he is in complete denial about what has happened. Since he has no visual signs of a stroke, he thinks he's going to be fine...except the doctors have told him he will never be able to return to his career of 34 years again. He is disabled. Now my life has turned upside down also.

Before this, he worked all the time and traveled a lot. I was at home; budgeting, keeping things in order, raising two boys and always in control. I didn't have to deal with IT every day, all day long. Now, I do. But what hurts my heart and has kept me up at nights for the last three weeks, is his apathetic attitude toward himself...and me. Accordingly, this is my fault. This thing has affected his thought processes and cognitive ability. Again, I'm so frightened.

I want to go on with the things I was able to do before this happened to him, but his mother thinks I should let everything go (including home projects), just to stand by his side and watch him drink and smoke himself into another stroke. So what, if at the end of each day when the numbness kicks in, I have to listen to his abusive meanness and slurs...after 24 years, that's my job, I'm told. Needless to say, I'm a ball of cross-wired nerves. I really try to let go and let HP, but I'm an idiot at this. You see, before I could come and go as I pleased. And when he was home, I just didn't plan anything for me. Life was all about his needs and wants, which involved sitting at home, drinking and having parties for older family members. Me? I'm the hostess, cook, planner, organizer, memory maker, etc.

I can't leave him by himself for long, 'cos pray tell what might happen. Yet I feel more alone than ever now. God, how crazy is this. How can I plan anything for me, take better care of myself, fulfill my goals without neglecting him?

-- Edited by WindSwept on Sunday 27th of July 2014 02:41:14 PM

chatworthy · Guru

You're in the right place;
Keep Coming Back.

healingme · Newbie

Divorce, Abandonment, Addressing my ACOA issues

JamesCT · Guru

RE: Share your story here.

bsmaz · Member

I grew up with a single mother who battled chemical dependency and severe depression. I always took care of her - including rescuing her from many suicide attempts - she slit her wrists more times than I can count and I always found her, bandaged her, called the ambulance, etc. She brought terrible people into our lives - abusive men, drug addicts, etc. We moved constantly in response to eviction notices and she lost job after job because she would be bombed out of her mind for weeks on end. She always told me I was the only reason she had to live - how crazy that I accepted that as love when I now know that such a burden is an impossible responsibility for anyone, much less a kid.

No matter how awful life was or how many ways she abandoned me, I never complained because I was afraid if I expressed any of my own needs or suggested I was unhappy, she would spiral downward into another suicide attempt. So I always pretended to be "fine" to her and to the outside world.

I thought I fixed everything by overachieving in school, building a successful career and marrying the "perfect" guy from the "perfect" family and creating my own "perfect" life. But, I am coming to realize that all I have ever focused on is creating the perfect image on the outside - I think that is because I don't know who I am on the inside. Everyone brings me their problems and I solve them all - people that know me call me "the fixer." I never ask anyone else for help. I don't show weakness. And, at 44, I'm realizing that I've never really connected with another soul because I have no idea how to be authentic, vulnerable and open.

I want to work the recovery process but some days it feels so painful that I just want to crawl back in my shell and continue life on auto pilot. Thanks for listening!

david · Guru

Neos2 wrote:
well thanks for listening at least I don't feel youll try to fix me I just need to be heard

smile smile smile ...

david · Guru

Hi Bsmaz,

You have told your story well... each time I hear a story, it eats into my fear and shame...

...it is well known- you can take the kid out of the family, but you can't take the family out of the kid.

I think we all come along here, when our inner world and our outer world no longer match up.

we have all bin through so much, and most of the time, even all of the time, we have taken this on our own shoulders.

I faced suicide threats, but was never in a situation where i encountered the real thing.

Even for me, I know how bad this is for a kid...

ma'am... I am not standing here handing out tracts... ...or even a lost of 'how to's'...

I am just being a witness to what you have just said. Your life- your inner reality...

...meeting up with people like ourselves is a saving grace. Being able to talk, with out shame or fear, is a blessing...

...it is no surprise that there are people like us all around us... sometimes carefully hidden because adult children do become really isolated...

...just being able to say- I know this, I fully understand this will bring tears to my eyes...

[this is something, in the right company, I no longer have to hide... aww ]

You are welcome to hang out here, on this board... it is a great thing to check in and let us know how you are getting along, and what path you choose, going forward... that is a gift we all do appreciate smile

this forum is truly self-supporting so you are welcome to pitch in and help keep hope alive...

this just takes a little time out to share... that's all... aww

take care my friend... aww

DavidG.

bsmaz · Member

David - thank you so much! Knowing others share the same struggles really helps so much. B

accept grace · Veteran Member

Hello Everyone,,,,,I went to my first ACOA meeting a couple nights ago online here. The members who stayed to talk really helped me just by chatting. I felt different the next day. I think because i just spoke honestly without judgement about the pain of my human life. I have been on a spiritual path a long time and it is not allowed to do this as it is called negativity and we are supposed to think positively and all that. i beleive in that but there is a place for conscious release of the pain by acknowledging it and admitting it to others. I have surrendered to God as my life is unmanageable but I need the part of being able to speak it with intention to not be ashamed or embarrassed. So I felt better the next morning and I hope this continues to work

A long time ago a teacher said that we have fallen into shit and dont want to get our hands dirty by digging them into the shit to push ourselves out,,,we want to rise up from a marble floor. That was so long ago and I did not get that until today,,,I lived in a convent for yogis and everyday would put on my yoga whites and go to pray. 35 years of that expecting that i would rise up off the marble floor. it never happened. I wanted to suddenly become like the other people there in their pretty clothes with their families and vacations to india and bali and their careers in holistic health and property and on and on. I could barely function. So they did not approve of me and always asked me to leave

My father was hateful violent and sadistic. My mother made it clear she never wanted any kids and often used me as a shield to protect herself from my father. He beat me senseless all my life but one time at age 11 he beat me with a stick in the head so many times i was unconscious and when i woke up i had a severe headache and every day for the rest of my life i had a migraine and was sick to my stomach also mixed with panic attacks for hours every night. I was exhausted all the time and could not focus on anything outside of me at all. So I looked like a mess and people did not want me around. My parents told me from my first moment of life that they were miserable becuase i existed and if only i did not exist or would die or disappear or just go away they would finally be happy and life would be good for them. I have repeated this with every person in my life and so I live very isolated and it is hell to go through my days sick and being told everywhere i go to get lost

I am in my 50's now and a year ago a man threw me and left me with a spinal cord injury. Ok I am done now,,,,my body cant take anymore and is shutting down and my heart just blew out for the last time. It is so embarrassing being such a victim,,,,,like a child that never grew up. I dont know how to recognize obvious con men and liars and they know it so I look like the town nut as these folks take all my stuff and beat me up. i wish i could literally disappear

I am not sure what my goal with this ACOA is specifically. A month ago someone told me about a choir who sings to the dying. I wanted to sing my whole life and so i went to the meeting. I have not gone anywhere for decades. I live very remote,,,an hour drive to the nearest little town,,,,,the group shares rides and such and I asked a woman who lives near me if she wanted to share ride now and then as I am tired of these long long drives alone across the desert,,,it sometimes does not feel safe but hse yelled at me dont ask me for help as i dont want to help you in any way.

That is how people treat me...I re-acted and got angry and said fine but I am going to this group whether you like it or not. I always give people what they want and go away from them.

I dont know maybe just things like how to deal with peoples constant judgement and rejection i could call progress

My body is shutting down and I am feeling like this is my last few months to the winter and then my body is done with this life,,,,thank God i hope the end is near as i have been bedridden alone for almost 60 years,,,i cannot tolerate any more time in this world,,,,,,,and so in the next few months I want to focus on what is healing for me,,,,is it how i react to others or get my needs met from others? or is it about me inside myself, how i feel about myself? that is in my control,,others feelings and behavior is not. So reading the board i see how poeple are working on specific goals for themself and i will come up with what mine is

grace

JamesCT · Guru

Grace, I am glad you're here. From what you've written you're ready to go onto what's next, but before you do know that you're loved here and we're here to help.

david · Guru

migraine... tick
love singing... tick
family, and town punch-bag... tick

My family was super passive aggressive- the pain thing I did to myself- but it was totally unavoidable...

I work through it day by day... aww

accept grace · Veteran Member

hi i posted my story but it did not get on the board

i dont feel like writing that all again

so i will just post messages and leave the story off

david · Guru

Hmmm... I think we all can see it on the board... and read it...

if you need to change that... [we can edit all of our posts...]

James is the one who knows his way around the gizmo...

-Da.

JamesCT · Guru

Grace, where did you post your story where you cannot read it? There is a very long post here in this thread. Or did you mean somewhere else on the board?

david · Guru

James...

Hmmm... bin caught out like this myself-

this is a long thread with two parts- she would have to click on "2" to get down to her thread...

smile

JamesCT · Guru

Because I've "reversed the polarity" of this forum, the newest things come first. So perhaps it's exactly as you say, which means our responses won't get read either.

david · Guru

James- I put a note on her mirror- she should be able to navigate down here now... smile

Taft · Member

This is my first experience reaching out for help and understanding from growing up with an alcoholic father and a mother who pretended there wasn't a problem and stayed with him because she was afraid to leave with six kids to care for. Our childhood was miserable. Mom took care of our basic needs but she was not a loving and caring person. She wasn't abusive but she didn't stop or even try to interfere when Dad was beating us. Our home environment was so dysfunctional because we were all on alert for when Dad was in a bad mood or if we did something wrong Mom would tell him when he got home from work and he'd beat you with his belt. We weren't close as kids growing up because you were out to save yourself. I took a beating for one of my sisters when I was 7, she had broken something but Dad grabbed me instead. We were just getting out of the bathtub so I was naked and he beat me so badly and wouldnt stop that I thought he was going to kill me.

As an adult, I'm just as angry with my mother for allowing/enabling that to go on as I am at my dead father for being such a stupid drunken brute. Growing up in that household has made me an angry person. I have always felt different from my friends who have very loving and caring parents. You know like, why did we get the crap parents and all the emotional baggage that goes with that? We never had friends at our house because you didn't want anyone to know. Out in public we were expected to be model children and if we did anything that tarnished that image, we got a beating when we got home. We got a beating if we made any noise during meal time, even clanging your silverware on a plate would get you drug away from the table.

My father alcoholism was never talked about until he died...from cirrhosis of the liver. My mother did divorce him after 35 years of marriage because his drinking had become all consuming. And even that makes me angry because she finally decided she couldn't take it anymore. Well, what about us kids? We never mattered to either of them and we lived the saying, children are to be seen, not heard.

I'm the youngest daughter of six kids. I'm 53, have four children and married to a high functioning alcoholic, just like my father, for 27 years. My husbands drinking evolved over the years from social drinking to drinking every day for the past 15 years. He doesn't think he has a drinking problem. His father was an alcoholic as well Who also didn't see a problem with drinking everyday.

i wish I had known when I was 25, what I know today about alcoholism and repeating family patterns. I'm trying to get myself healthy emotionally, so I can make some decisions about the rest of my life.

david · Guru

Ma'am...

it takes guts (courage) to tell our story...

as they say you can take the kid out of the home, but you can't take the home out of the kid.

I don't really think we try out best to lead a good life. Oh no! We try to be better than best, and sometimes perfect! blankstare

Then sometimes we just repeat the mistakes of he previous generation...

...here we are working on ways of changing... of reversing the dysfunction...

I think that just breaking down the walls of isolation is a really good start!

By working together I think we can create solutions... aww

...thanks so much for your share, and thanks for coming along... smile

DavidG.

Taft · Member

That is so true, David. I have spent my entire married life trying not to be my mother and protecting my kids from having a father like mine. My husband is not violent and would never discipline our kids at all, yet I was always hyper vigilant for any sign of him saying or doing something that would hurt them. It was my mission to protect them because my mother hadn't done that for me. I'm 53 but I feel like I carry those memories on my sleeve like they happened yesterday and I really need to find a way out from under all this crap. I've drug it around with me my whole life and I'm so tired from it.

david · Guru

smile The tone, and tenor of my story changes, as I get a better perspective, as I manage to mature...

...maturity does not come out of a cereal packet. I believe it comes from rubbing shoulders with people like myself...

I was born in 1951, here in New Zealand. My father worked on an orchard. My mum had grown up on the land and was singularly more competent and 'with it' than dad.

We moved onto our own property when I was three. The first of four siblings had arrived at that time as well.

I am getting a feel for these pages... so much like 'the rooms' some of us have been in, and some of us still attend. But different too... I think we are just learning the scope and limitations of this new media... smile

I began going to Alanon 33 years ago. I got married not long after. Not a coincidence- my wife to be sent me along. I went through the usual rite of learning I was there for myself... however I am still married, and would now say happily married.

I always say that Alanon kept, my nose above water... ACA got me out of the water.

I was a bright sensitive kid. I wanted a good life and a good education. I began working part time at the age of 12. It was fairly tough sometimes, and boring- field work- something I kept doing right through my life...

...I knew I was in a bad way. My mind knew that my emotions were scrambled and confused. I had chronic pain which followed me right through life. Head pain.

when i left home I crashed- I lived close to the homeless. being rural i had survival skills, and I never went hungry. At the age of 21 I was on welfare and was sent out to work on a railway gang. I worked there for four years... it was tough but exciting as well. Sometimes very boring too. I read a lot.

I tried 'to be a part of the solution'. My friends were mostly junkies and acid freaks and the like. My girlfriends mostly down-home alcoholics... after about 8, or 10 I realised that i could not change any of them...

...being a goodie-two-shoes sort of fellow, when i did my middle steps and remembers and took account of all of them...

...went back to my home valley in 1977. Tried to pick up the small farm we were bought up with. I cared for my dad there until he died. Still looking for that sense of lost abandonment...

...working mainly fruitpicking, ditch-digging and in sheep shearing gangs... proud of that now. I sometimes published poems and articles both here in NZ and overseas...

...our son turns 27 this weekend. We have three kids and 6 grandkids...

When i was in my 20's I meditated and felt like I was an old wizened up man with a crooked walking stick. I was pretty worldly wise. Now I get in touch with my inner kid-

I do feel young... I sometimes even skip when no-one is looking... I sometimes I really have beaten y'all ("Them", that is....! ...I have found who I am...

...or at least I am finding, roving, seeking...

thanks for the share... you are welcome to keep in touch with me, question me [I love this!] ask questions... or answer my questions... smile

arohanui...

DavidG.

tasha · Service

What a nice share David

BorrowedHalo · Newbie

Borrowed Halo

JamesCT · Guru

RE: Share your story here.

Lonelygirl22 · Newbie

My name is piper (alias),
As long as I have been on this earth my mother has been a selfish, brutal, emotionally abusive alcoholic. As a kid i remember crying myself to sleep at age 4 as my dad worked late nights doing shift work. At age five my mum walked out the front door drunk and went missing when my dad was out, I was so distressed I fainted and that has deeply scarred me. I have two siblings, my sister is manic depressive and 25 and my brother is a control freak with OCD aged 22 I am nearly 21 and i have had enough. At the start of the year I nearly died when I was diagnosed with a life threatening condition and i remember my mum visiting me in hospital at 6am drunk as a skunk I told her to leave and she was pissed I was disrespectful but honestly I am sick of helping her. I always would stumble her to bed (she's a big lady) and me at age 6 would push her into bed and make excuses such as "she can't answer the phone she is sick) I find the older the get the more distain I have for her. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 17 because I was terrified and humiliated by my mother. My current partner of 3 years cannot stand my mum and thinks I need psychological help because I am so full of anger and rage from my robbed childhood. Also he says I look at her with utter hatred I don't realise I do it but apparently i look at her with disgust. Once a year she does what she calls a 'detox' for a month and she is a different human, beautiful, kind, healthy, motivated and clever so loving and i credible and when she fails her detox and i see her with alcohol again I go into a blind rage and need to go to another house to be away from her. I have confronted her 30+ times over the years she promises to change says 'I'm too young to understand' and nothing changes. About two months ago I flipped it at her and said I need answers and she says she drinks due to her lack of sex life with my dad and that he picks his job over her (an absolute lie) and claims she saw a therapist who says she doesn't drink that much and she needs to leave dad (another lie). Her drink of choice is champagne and she does every night 2-3 bottles of it so she can't even speak. I need help coming to terms with the fact she will never quit and also coming to terms with my utter hatred of my mother when she drinks. I pray that beautiful sober woman I get glimpses of comes to stay because i love that woman. Thankyou

david · Guru

Piper, We're just having tea here... been to the pool and done some shopping...

My name is DavidG, proud member of ACA. I was in Alanon for many years, joined when i was 32. it helped me a lot...

...I logged back on- having a few doubts... but not agonising over things, like I used to... aww

I thought maybe I should have pointed you towards ACA and/or Alanon and left it at that... but this is something my family never had time, or space, to do- to ask about things and get away from their own crisis. even for a moment!

We come from a similar culture, with a can-do attitude... adult children are resilient and great survivors... but as they say- 'you can take the kid out of the home, but you can't take the home out of the kid'. Experience with a sick family member can blight our life, wreck our relationships. And I also believe we run the risk of passing he harm onto the next generation.

My wife sent me along to Alanon 32 years ago... I would like to say it was 'plain sailing'. Life can be tough for anyone, of course...

...looking back i am so glad and grateful I took steps... I have a good marriage now- three kids and 6 grandkids. We still have issues sometimes, but now I have the skills to do what I can.

What more can you ask for?

Thanks for coming along... renewed hope is what keeps us all going... smile

DavidG.

trraacy · Senior Member

T wrote:
I've resisted this...
   ...but I can't hold back any longer.
             wow.
                           wow.
                      wow.
I am SO blessed up her in this sticky.
Y'all rock.

How could I possibly say it any better? Ditto.

And thank you all so much...

Newpaths · Member

Hello, my name is Sue

im pretty sure I could write a book regarding my story, gang rape, abortions, sexual, physical an emotional abuse not only as a child then continued in a 35 year marriage, now widowed for 4 years. All these events shaped me into the person I'm today, that in time i was able to accept, however learning to forgive, release the rage that was destroying my health, became the most difficult challenge of my life. When my daughtet turned 18 I learned she also had been molested by both sides if the family I was livid an found myself shutting family members out of my life until one day I was standing alone in my kitchen on a summer day I was bitter, full iof rage screaming at God deep down hoping he would strike me dead, to my surprise it thundered, finally he had heard me I screamed back at him, then I insisted on understanding WHY if youre such a loving God.

Slowly I began to learn things, to have prophetic symbolic dreams preparing me for difficult life events. although the rage had calmed I was still grieving the loss of both sides of our extended family 10 years later. i still had a strong desire to feel loved from these people What was wrong with me.

My husband was dx with a terminal illness, my daughters now young adults, I had no friends, soon I would truly be alone. As his illness progressed it became harder for him to hide his abusive behavior in public. One day I stood up to him, which threw him into a rage an he tried to kill me. I didnt even fight him I was ready to die, so much that when he stopped I got angry I was almost free of this world.

I finally reached out to my extended family in hopes time had helped us to see what was important in life. I learned my dad had also been dx with a terminal diesease, he passed away within a month of my late husband. I have no regrets re establishing contact, although I do still struggle with understanding.

For the first time since my teens I'm free,I'm a widow an I'm more alone then ever, I started drinking to deal with the pain.

Get involved with a man that could be my fathers twin, the only difference is I'm not afraid of him. it turned into a rocky up an down off an on, relationship almost married this sept. i joined Alanon an began to see he was my dad an I was trying to fix him. I was condepedant on him for my happiness. Alanon, learning to listen to my higher power, attending alanon seminars

has made a huge difference in my life, for the first time in my life I feel I have support, a spiritual foundation to turn to when I'm struggling. next weekend I'm attending a siminar on healthy relationships, sonethibg I desperately need.

Along my alanon journey I discovered ACOA's, then I found this board, I'm looking forward to furthering my spiritual journey.

thanks for listening

Newpaths · Member

PS I forgot to mention dispute the unhealthy relationship entered after my late husband, it was what

I had known all my life, my 4month drinking be getting ended. for the first time in my life I argued,

stood up for myself, not that I won many battles, it felt good to speak out.

david · Guru

Hi Sue,

...welcome home... smile .

Faced with all that I would have given up long ago... I reached my rock bottom at the age of 20. I did get help but even then it was a hard long lonely road. I will hasten to add the help I got was from my higher power. I did seek help from other people, but most had their own problems, and their own agendas... ...it is not a perfect world.

I did make it through, had a family, and family life is pretty good now... it is a journey, of hope, and faith... finding people like myself is a saving grace...

aww

DavidG.

chatworthy · Guru

x

-- Edited by chatworthy on Saturday 29th of November 2014 10:18:54 AM

MellyPoppins · Member

Mel here. Hi. Dunno if I fit in here or not. It was suggested to me that i join here. I have to admit I haven't even read these boards. I don't know why but I don't want to. I will, after I write this. I promise.
I guess I am dubious. I don't blame my parents. I love them. They are f'ing horrible people and because of them, I grew up the way I did and now I am me. If they had been different, I wouldn't be me. Why would I want to mess with that? I like me. Sometimes i think I should be a shittier mother to my child so that she gets to grow up being angry at me. Is that something other people here think sometimes? Like if I am a crap mum, maybe she will seek the kind of help I have sought and then she'll be ok. If I'm just a nice happy mum, what will she learn? How will she grow?
Anyway hello.
My name is Mel. I guess I am an adult child. I really hate myself.

tasha · Service

Sounds like a normal reaction to a dysfunctional upbringing to me Mel :) Welcome

david · Guru

smile Kia ora, Mel...

Moodles · Newbie

hi, my names moodles. I am 21 as of the weekend just passed and i have finally decided that i don't like myself and its about time I allowed me to love myself. my childhood was very difficult but not in the sense that i never had enough or i wasn't loved, it has always been that I don't fully understand myself and always feel guilty. At the age of 5 my parents split, my dad was an alcoholic and had a very bad gambling addiction he used to treat me very poorly as fair as i have been let to believe. My mum took me and my 2 year old sister away from him and allowed us to see him every second weekend once he got his act together. basically from 9 years old till now i have had very limited interaction with him and my mum has done it all working full time emotionally supporting us and cooking/cleaning.

since 7 years old ive suffered from extreme anxiety and depression, always feeling like things are my fault and if only i didnt do that than maybe my friends of family would be happy. I have always been really smart and talented but i self-sabotage myself with negative thoughts feeeling like i dont deserve to be happy. I never quite feel normal.... ever.

Theres so much more i want to right ive never really spoken about it fully and even when i have theres a sense of shut and move on theres nothing anyone can do you are trying to find an excuse for your behaviour. if anyone could tell me where to start or lend me hand would be great.

JamesCT · Guru

Welcome, Moodles. I would start with working the ACoA 12 steps, participating here, and seeking counseling.

Do not worry about what people have to say in regards to "It was a long time ago so move on". If you knew how to move on, you would have done so.

Here you may learn how to heal your old wounds and develop new behaviors to replace the original maladaptive behaviors that sabotage you.

It's good to have you home.

Kai · Newbie

Hello, my name is Kai. I'm gonna try really hard not to go on a huge tangent, as I have held it all in so like I've found whenever I talk about this stuff I tend to get caught up and go on and on and on, so I apologize if this gets ridiculously long, but I'll try to keep it short.

I've been seeing a therapist for about 9 months now to treat my anxiety and depression. At the time I started, I didn't really think that these things were all that connected to my mothers drinking when I was a kid. I knew that it had something to do with it, but over the past several months, as I learn, acknowledge, and let myself feel all the things I've been keeping buried for so long, I am starting to realize that all the problems I have struggled with throughout my life are likely mainly caused by, if not solely caused by, my mothers drinking and verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse.

These past several months have perhaps been the most eye-opening, liberating, and also most horrifying time of my life. I have learned so much, and it has slowly begun to free me from the constant self-loathing and self-blame for all the things wrong in my life, yet at the same time, I have gone from being comfortably numb to a complete mess of emotions that are just all over the place. I always used to block everything out, even told myself my mothers drinking didn't really effect me that much, that I had a relatively normal childhood. Not true. Now that I am breaking down these walls I've build over so many years and allowing myself to truly feel all the fear and the pain and the anger I have repressed all this time, I don't even know what to do with it. I'm trying to let it out little by little by journaling and writing in a blog, but I still feel like I am going to erupt at any given moment.

My therapist has encouraged me to start going to Al-anon meetings, and there are several in my area I could make it to easily, but my anxiety and agoraphobia is so bad I haven't yet worked myself up to go. I am thinking of going tonight as there is one at my local hospital, which is at least a place I am familiar with... but I probably wont. I just feel stuck. I need to connect with other people who have been through this because no one else in my life understands or wants to talk about it at all, and I have to talk about it. People always seem annoyed or even personally insulted by the fact that I'm "talking about my mother like that". Sometimes I wonder if they even believe me or if they think I'm completely making it all up. It's so frustrating and it's not fair.

So that's why I decided to look up Al-anon online support and found this place. I am 28 years old now and am unfortunately living back with my mother again after experiencing a 6 year abusive relationship. She is not drinking anymore, thankfully, but she's still abusive and it's not good for my recovery at all. In fact, I feel like I could be making a lot more progress if it weren't for her still being a part of my life on a daily basis. She has been doing pretty much everything she can to sabotage my progress, including constantly trying to convince me that therapy is a joke, there's "nothing wrong with you or this family" and "nothing bad ever happened when you were a kid". She's in complete denial that she was ever abusive or at all an alcoholic. She gets extremely agitated any time I try to speak the truth about our childhood or simply choose not to go along with the delusion that we had a perfectly normal, happy life. She gets so mad in fact that she starts telling me that therapy has turned me into a "monster" and a miserable person. She tells me to "get over the past. I have, you should too."

I am going to stop there, because I can feel myself going into a rant and if I start I won't stop. I am just filled with so much anger right now. So much pain, sadness, loneliness and I don't know how to handle it. I feel like I'm trying to process a lifetime of trauma all at once and I don't know if I can deal with it all. My life is such a mess, I am such a mess. I have no friends. No close, supportive family. I can't work. I can't socialize. It just hurts. Everything hurts. I am doing my best to get through the muck and deal with it. I know it's part of the process and I have to let myself go through it but it freaking hurts!

Okay, I'm done for now. Thank you for reading this and again sorry for the length. I just bursting at the seams these days and I have a hard time holding anything back anymore. I hope some of you can help me figure out how to get through this process without completely exploding into a massive fireball of epic failure... ugh.

david · Guru

Hi Kai,

aww I was in Alanon for many years, and am now completing my journey in ACA...

over time I have shared a whole lot... I have gotten to know myself.

I found that reading your share was healing; another reminder that I am not alone in this walk...

thanks, aroha mai... smile

DavidG.

Livingandlearning · Newbie

Hi there. I just joined and want to make sure I'm clicking the right button before I share. confuse

If not, would someone please direct me?

Thank you

david · Guru

Hi L & L...

looks okay to me... welcome to our humble home... aww

smile DavidG.

Livingandlearning · Newbie

Thank you G.

I arrive here after feeling powerless over a painful thinking habit. I catch myself in fantasy conversations with family of origin, struggling to state the truth to combat lies designed to prove I'm terrible. I try to say to them in my fantasy conversations just the right thing in just the right way that cannot be refuted. I never achieve any satisfaction from it. I see my part in this slide. I've been waning in my 12 step program. But as I've heard so many times, there is no taking breaks or graduating. My brain is wired for my old coping methods, which include feeling trapped and hopelessly seeking just the right phrase or action to make it all better.

It flows from feeling trapped in real life by family scapegoating that began at birth and that is twinned by my husband and his family. Ive been married almost 30 years. I became aware of my thinking habit once I entered Al Anon a few years ago. I stopped for quite awhile. But now it's back and incessant. I remember when it came back last spring. I contacted my mother thinking that I was healed enough and felt confident enough. I am sure contacting her came from the familiar sick hope I had as a child...that this time I was worthy enough to gain approval.

Both my family and my husbands family have shunned me completely citing numerous "disgusting", "cruel", "poisonous", "evil", "shameful" acts on my part. I am none of all that and, despite mistakes, I am moral and ethical and someone to enjoy with a sense of fun and kindness and humour that I'm grateful for. But all that never mattered. It also never mattered that I tried to love them and talk with them to heal this. All of my efforts only ever incited more lies, hate, blame...yuck! It only ever got more and more vile and crazy over time.

And I'm unhappy at myself for letting it in so deeply After so long away from them. The shunning happened almost a decade ago. But the truth is, their shame and finding someone to heap their pain onto and shun is like a tsunami crashing through generations of families. I traced it back 4 generations. In my mind I can forgive myself for feeling victimized because of the power of this generational family dysfunction...but in my heart, I feel the shame.

Sometimes it all hurts in a way I can't describe; a psychic pain, perhaps. Also, it aches in pit of my stomach when I allow myself to feel. This is a good moment for me...to feel the pain. I was emotionally and physically almost completely numb for most of my life.

Regarding my husband...over the last 30 years I refused to lie so it's been a game of cat and mouse. Lately, I walk away in love and respect. I have no more energy for sleuthing. It never sticks anyway. Thank you Al Anon.

Thank you all for reading...and sharing. I feel relief being here.

LandL

david · Guru

Oh boy! I try to live in the present... and manage today, most of the time, by the grace of god...

like you I have been married over 30 years, and like you have come from the Alanon stable...

I was scapegoated badly by my FOO, but not by my in-laws, thankfully... but i was scapegoated by my own community, an offshoot of my family situation...

...I said here on this board that we can have rituals of encounter and rites of passage denied us in our previous life.

One person questioned this idea: but I would say this- we cannot create or manufacture these rites and rituals. To work they have to happen spontaneously, imo...

...in Alanon I was told, there is no graduation etc etc... possibly true... Alanon kept me going...

...in ACA it is possible to grow emotionally and to move along, or so I believe... just recycle back to our worlds, or sometimes stay by and offer a little back.

it is still early days- as you can see we all pitch in here- and I think that is what makes it work... we all have the right to be wrong sometimes... learning to make mistakes, and to learn, I think, is half the battle... aww .

Kimbysue · Newbie

I am a new member and hope I am posting correctly. I grew up in a dysfunctional home. Altho there was no alcoholism my mother was emotionally abusive. I discovered through research that I share many if not all of the symptoms of an ACOA. I have tried to pacify my mother or make excuses for her all of my life. She is Very controlling and yesterday informed that she will no longer visit our home ( I am married 14 yes and have an 11 year old.). reportedly a year ago my husband glared at her and now she no longer feels welcome. How do I handle this? Esp painful during the holidays. Any insight is most appreciated.

-- Edited by Kimbysue on Friday 19th of December 2014 05:00:29 PM

JamesCT · Guru

Hello, Kimbysue, and welcome. It's been shown that the childhood family trauma doesn't have to be alcoholism that produces what amounts to being an ACoA. You will find references to that in our Big Red Book.

Please read the other threads in the forum and post your own thoughts and question there in your own thread or threads.

It can get better and it will if you work the program.

Welcome home.

Kimbysue · Newbie

Thank you.

That Starfish Lady · Newbie

I'm thrilled to have found Ya'll-and this website!