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Just found this board. So wish I would have found it when I entered Recovery two years ago. But, I guess I found it when I was supposed to, right?
A Readers' Digest version of my journey:
I am recognizing that Abandonment is a through line for me.
I was adopted at three days old. My bmom was 16 and my bdad was 21. My bgdad sued my bdad for statutory rape and had to register as a sex offender. I carry their Bundle.
My parents divorced when I was 8 years old.
My mom abandoned herself, and in turn, abandoned me, by becoming highly promiscuous. I suffered both overt and covert sexual abuse as a result of her self-abandonment.
My mom married an abusive alcoholic, who ended up going to jail for DUI; he was arrested while all three of us were in the car. I was made to go to County Jail to visit him.
He died of a heroine OD while I was home alone with him; I was 11 years old.
I picked up my mother's Bundle, becoming a promiscuous teen and young adult. I hated myself for it. I did not want to be like my mom, but I felt powerless to stop the shame and guilt cycle in which I found myself. Self abandonment.
I married an alcoholic but didn't know it; he was sober when I met him. He was emotionally unavailable and an ACA himself. I fell back into my old compulsions and was unfaithful. He could not forgive me and did not want to make it work. We divorced.
I rebounded with an old high school friend so I didn't have to feel the pain, guilt, shame, and remorse. More self abandonment.
We married seven years later. He's a professional musician, who tours extensively. He convinced me we were life partners. The truth is he was NEVER faithful to me (nor anyone). Call it Karma or part of the Problem (or both). This was my Bottom, my Dark Night of the Soul. Page 100 of the BRB explains it best.
The silver lining is that through Divine Intervention, my path to recovery led me to ACA, where I am sharing my experience, strength, and hope with my fellow travelers. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Two years ago, that was a hard pill to swallow, but I am grateful to have a new life, a new outlook, and a new way of being vastly different than my life before Recovery. I love who I am becoming. I forgive myself. And I now do service to pay it forward.
So grateful! Thanks for letting me share!
Littlelf
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Mother of Lightbringer, Princess of the Ewoks, and Defendress of the Mirkwood Realm
Welcome and I'm glad you found us and you know there's great stuff on the main board if you want to join it's easy. So sorry all the stuff you went through but you're not alone and you'll find that out you'll see that on the main board but you have to register with a nickname and a password it's really easy and it's worth it. One day at a time
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ROSIE, a work in progress!!!
Keep it simple__Easy does it__Keeping the focus on me--AND___"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown
