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My mum never kissed or hugged me ever, she couldn't bear to touch me mainly because I was a girl.
I was neglected and didn't have a change of clothes or adult supervision.
My mum would hit me in the face, make me stand still so she could land one on me, pull me around by the hair and make me stand in the dark. Made me sleep outside, read my diary and laughed at me. Told lies about me, refused to listen to me and rarely looked me in the eye. Screamed and ranted at me. Controlled, punished accused then denied any of it happened.
My grandmother would call me names, make me out to be laughable, leave me out of things, criticise me and tell me I was going to hell. I was scared to go to sleep and had panic attacks and nightmares.
My brother bullied me every day of our lives, kicking me so hard I couldn't breathe, threw a bucket of water over me, punched me in the face in public, woke me up to slap me in the face, broke and stole my things, read my diary, and humiliated me at every turn. Called me every filthy disgusting thing every single day.
My sister just ignored me.
Here is how I dealt with it:
I self harmed so that God wouldn't punish me
I believed they all saw something repulsive and vile in me and I agreed with it.
I became secretive and told lies to avoid punishments.
I turned against and rejected any sign of weakness.
I imagined myself into a bubble and pretended nothing could hurt me and that I didn't care.
Made up my mind never to risk being known.
Had children at a young age to give myself a family and a reason to be.
Tried to fix and help my mum.
Spent my life giving to others, helping and fixing.
Attracted cruel, dysfunctional and evil people because with them I feel good about myself.
Here are the consequences:
My children have no father or grandparents, uncles or aunties.
I have endured abuses I cannot speak on
I became a horrible, angry person.
I am totally isolated
I have no friends or partner
I still try to help my mum
I live with strangling guilt every day because I put my children in danger
I cannot stay in employment
I overeat
I bankrupted us
I can't sleep or I refuse to sleep
That's my story.
-- Edited by Sadie on Wednesday 3rd of November 2021 07:47:27 PM
Dear Sadie that is one of the saddest stories Ive ever read in a long time. I was severely abused as well by my male Parent. He was another Charles Manson
Say the word and we can move this post of yours into the regular board because anybody on the Internet can see it here whereas you have more privacy on the main board but you have to join. Also sharing on the main board you will get the support and comfort that you need and it starts with us. Its like starting all over learning how to Love us and when we become able to love ourselves then we can connect with our higher power and then we can move forward from there
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ROSIE, a work in progress!!!
Keep it simple__Easy does it__Keeping the focus on me--AND___"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown
I don't think I would call that Stinking thinking. I would call it brave for reaching out. There are so many books for children of narcissists. It's not so easy to value ourselves, after being brought up like that.Try: Complex ptsd - from surviving to thriving. Look for a cptsd group.
