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Hi everyone,
I hope I am doing this right. Im new to ACOA. Ive been looking into getting help since my mom passed away in 2018. But then, you know life/Covid.
Well, here I am, making an effort.
My mom was a chronic alcoholic to the point that she eventually lost everything and became homeless. She lived out of her car for a while, until she crashed it and went to live in the streets. This all happened as I was in my early 20s, but she had been an alcoholic all my life.
My parents separated when I was 3. 1 dysfunctional house turned into 2. My dad with full custody was deemed the fitter (less alcoholic) parent, but he was still a mean drinker and my new step mom was heroin addict.
Full time with dad and weekends spent with my mom (when she was sober ) and with the new step dad (bipolar). It was no easy childhood experience.
But all in all, I thought I turned out ok as an adult. Until, mom passed away.
It was then that I knew somethings were really really wrong.
Physically I was good: healthy relationship with alcohol, no drugs, no cigarettes, healthy marriage, stable money, emotionally and physically present for kids.
Emotionally: I am a wreck inside and I notice all the feelings that dont make sense but I need to find a better way to understand them.
My dad and step mom found their higher power and gave up doing drugs and drinking when I was 10-ish. They said Jesus saved them.
Thats great! But Im a deconstructing Christian and now living with the religious trauma that they allowed to occur and the childhood trauma that they also let occur.
Anyway, I miss my mom. I miss the times when she was sober and cussed out people who were driving terrible. I miss the special food she would make us on the weekends and the clearance shopping sprees and the 4am Black Fridays. I miss the thought of who she could have been as a grandma if she got sober. I miss ideas about her that would not occur if she was alive, the what ifs that would have most likely been hell nos.
But the truth is, she drove me crazy when she was alive. I never knew if she was calling me sober or drunk af. I dont miss the nights and days searching the streets looking for her, begging her to please come home with me. Or the hospital calls, the hospital visits from her seizures, and passing out and being so close to death, I could smell it.
She ruined so many things in our lives, birthdays, Christmass, lots of holidays really. But on the night of my 30th birthday party, my dad with tears in his eyes murmured out that she had died and that he got the call from the county coroner. Why the coroner? Well. She died alone behind a target building from a meth overdose and her homeless boyfriend called it in and left her there. Goddammit she loved Target!
I cant be alone in these stories. These experiences. These situations that could only happen to children of addicts.
Im going to get therapy. But I wanted to start here. Because only you guys truly, deeply, madly know the feelings, the pain, the self doubt, the confusion, the fears.
I hope you all are finding ways that make you better. This is my first big attempt.
Thanks for reading.
Hi and welcome. I'm new on this board but a member of another one. I think the other forum is more active. I haven't lost a parent to death but grew up with an alcoholic mother. Many familiar feelings. I congratulate your attempt. I feel like I can't say much at this time as I have just returned to ACOA and this was my first port of call in many years. I'm considering what it means now to have a "free" life.
I hope you are ok wherever you are, I'm happy to meet you.
-- Edited by Nightowl on Sunday 17th of October 2021 08:29:08 PM
Yes, I think you are in the right place, Queenie!!
There are some similarities in our stories. I'm sure others will relate to you, as well.
My Mom also passed in 2018. She was Narcissistic.
My parents divorced when I was seven. My Dad was an alcoholic, and ended up living in his car. When he died of alcoholism no one wanted anything to do with him.
I believe the ACA Program can help you understand what happened, and how you can live a better life. It helped me!!
Queenie I think you are in the right place too, I have had death and destruction due to alcoholism and I can relate to your story. On the main board, when you join up, you will see lots of people will relate to you
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ROSIE, a work in progress!!!
Keep it simple__Easy does it__Keeping the focus on me--AND___"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown
Hi queenie Welcome thanks for the share night owl, Mrs Snoopy, Mama
My mother mentally ill, narcissistic abusive parent my father alcoholic he was the nicer of the two when he didnt drink then he was abusive.
Both of them damaged me abused me and did not care for me properly.
No love ,care, guidance,nurturing, actual interest in me and who I was ,what my dreams hopes where, no joy. I was invisible particularly to my mother I spent most my life with partners, friends, colleagues like her trying to recreate so I would be cared about loved.
I spent my whole childhood unloved from her I now know its generational and she was mentally ill it doesnt take away the pain and sadness and the realisation I lost my childhood and most of my adult hood like this I behaved the same as the laundry list traits, character defects and very codependent I have had tried lots of different therapy self help and finally got here.
I had to go no contact from my FOO to get healthy it has been a sad painful journey though doing the steps has made me realise Im loveable ,worth it, and Im free to enjoy my life it is continuous work ODAT
