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Hi, this is my first post here. I have not been to an ACA or AlAnon meeting yet, but plan to go to one this week. I'll try not to make this too long winded.
My mom is an alcoholic in very strong denial. My parents very rarely drank when I was a kid. I grew up in Indiana but moved to Connecticut after college. My parents had split up, and eventually they both remarried. I'm not sure when my mom started drinking, but I would guess it was 10 to 15 years ago. During the separation and divorce, it became obvious my mom has some mental health issues that she also denies. My unprofessional theory is that she has a personality disorder and has been self medicating with alcohol. She was not an abusive parent, but once I grew up and became a parent myself, I realized my mom always had boundary issues and was a pathological liar. My husband always says he doesn't understand how my brother and turned out to be normal people!
Anyway, over the last several years, my mom's drinking and behavior have escalated to the point where she has destroyed all of her relationships. Her husband is on the verge of leaving her. My brother, who lives near her, rarely sees her and rarely takes his children to visit her. She has fallen many times, breaking both hips and a shoulder (all of which were replaced). She drinks bourbon all day. I used to be able to answer her calls before 3:00 in the afternoon and be able to have a somewhat normal conversation. Now I can't answer her calls past noon. She is 69 years old. She does nothing around the house, just watches TV and drinks all day. She no longer has any friends due to her need to constantly lie about people. I can't let my kids talk to her on the phone and have never let them be alone with her. They are 22, 17, and 16 now. The last time we were visiting, they all asked me to never take them to her house again. They were incredibly uncomfortable with her behavior and the state of her home (and I am by no means a clean freak). She used to babysit two kids, but I suspect they got old enough to notice something was wrong and the parents stopped bringing them to my mom's house. One of the children told the parents she doesn't feel safe when my mom is driving her home from school, which is terrifying. Her husband had told me she never drove the kids, which turned out not to be true.
Which brings me to the husband. Super nice guy, and I think he doesn't know what to do so just enables her by taking care of her. This past weekend, my mom fell again three times. The last time she fell, she cracked her head open and had to go to the ER. She got 8 staples in her head. The doctor said her BAC was .36. After this incident, her husband said he doesn't know how much longer he can live this way - he wants to enjoy his retirement and she makes that impossible. I think the only reason he's still there is because he thinks she will die if he leaves and he would feel responsible.
Any attempted conversation with my mom about drinking ends with her hanging up on me. She flat out insists she NEVER drinks. Not one single drink, ever. When I visit my family back home, she is always very clearly intoxicated. One time, I picked her up for breakfast at 10 a.m. and she reeked of booze. She acted almost manic, and I couldn't wait to take her home and get away from her. There was one time she was invited to my brother's house for lunch. She showed up seeming sober, but her hands were shaking so badly the entire time, she could barely use a fork and ended up not eating much. How can you help an alcoholic who refuses to admit to any drinking, ever?
After my mom's last trip to the hospital, I decided enough was enough. I had set many boundaries over the years, creating more and more distance. She wouldn't talk to me about her latest fall, so I sent her an email saying I love her and want to support her but am not going to go along with her lies. If she wants help, I will help her, but she has to start by being honest, going to detox, going to rehab, and trying to get better. I made it clear that otherwise, we will have no contact and I won't see her when I visit the rest of my family this summer. I hope I am doing the right thing. I know I can't "fix" her and that she has to decide she wants to try to get better. I'm looking forward to learning from others here how I can help her without enabling her and how I can keep her alcoholism from affecting my family.
Greetings! And yup good job handling your mother. She will drink until she decides to get into recovery but what about you? You are here and that is your first step to reclaiming your life and being able to detach with love from the alcoholics and other toxic people home even though they dont mean to, because they are sick with a disease of addiction, but they can still try and bring you down so it is good you showed up here because that is your first step to freedom. The main board is just full of stuff you could work on for absolutely free.
Lots of stuff that I and others have on the main board on stickies we call them, you would pay for it Amazon but its free here and so much to go over and work with and journal with I am working on the steps right now on steps Number one and number two and number three because life is hammering me again and I am trying to give it non-resistance and accept my powerlessness over things outside of myself and its difficult and Ive been in recovery 16 years and I still need to be really tethered to the steps and to sharing and caring with other recovery travelers. This is a journey, never a destination
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ROSIE, a work in progress!!!
Keep it simple__Easy does it__Keeping the focus on me--AND___"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown
