My path to recovery has had lots of sharp turns. I started attending Al-Anon meeting in June 2019, but after about 3 months I felt I was in the wrong place and started attending AA meetings. I got a sponsor and started working the steps, but again I still get the feeling like I dont belong and I dont feel like Im any closer to recovering. There is one local ACA meeting that I attended last week and for the first time I feel a sense of belonging. 

After a few Al-Anon meetings I started exploring with faith based communities to try to figure out what my concept was of a Higher Power. There I met the man I have been dating for the past several months. He introduced me to AA, examples healthy behavior, and is supportive of whatever I feel is right for me through my process of recovery. Regardless, I still find myself resorting back to dysfunctional behavior patterns with an improvement being I recognize them for what they are, I just dont know what to do differently. 

In working the steps with an AA sponsor, the 4^th Step process was incredibly disturbing as I spent decades blotting out the intolerance of the memories of my past and I have been suffering with depression ever since. Sharing it with her in my 5^th Step was uncomfortable and left me feeling exposed and beat down. I heard lots of stories of how working through the 4th and 5ths steps of AA brought about a sense of relief, but I did not have that experience. My inner voice has been telling me my whole life that every unpleasant or difficult experience is my fault because I am a defective human being. Getting confirmation of that from another was not helpful. I love the fellowship of AA and I in no way am trying to put it down or bring any kind of negative judgements to the program. I am expressing how my experience with that approach to the 12 Steps was not right for me personally.

I grew up in a dysfunctional household with an abusive alcoholic mother. My father did little to protect me (in my opinion) from the abuse and divorced her when the Dept. of Child and Family Services were getting involved due to my injuries being reported by my High School when I was 14. I had already began drinking alcohol (willingly supplied by my parents), smoking pot, experimenting with other mind altering substances, and attempting relationships to try to avoid my emotions and silence the inner voice in my head that kept telling me I was worthless and unlovable. My self-destructive behavior provoked my father to repeatedly remind me that I was just like my mother. I dropped out of High School and got my GED at 16 and began working full time. I got a DUI at 19 and kicked out of my fathers house. I was pregnant and married shortly after turning 20, but the relationship ended before our daughter was born. Homeless with a newborn, my maternal grandparents flew me to stay with them while I figured out how to be a contributing adult to society. I spent 14 years living out of my home state and after the death of both my grandparents and 2 more toxic relationships (1 being another failed marriage) I moved back to home state. I struggle to build functional relationships with people in any aspect and over the past few years I have resorted to mostly isolating and just going through the motions of adult responsibilities.