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Tired of being depressed.Want to cry but feel stuck in my stomach.Thoughts all over the place.Phoned my son and a couple friends but didn't make me feel any better.Am angry also.was punching my bed.havent accepted my sisters death seem to be on a merry go round.got told don't stay in grief.Well how do I get out.when I'm sad I'm sad can't just pray it away.Guts rolling around with a lot of crap.That longing to go home still there.Went shopping got a much needed haircut.My cbd oil is in.see how it works.Have to accept my sister isn't coming back.the kid in me is ticked .angry and sad.hes tired of losing people .getting close to people only to have them leave or die.No one prepared him for this stuff.Drink drug eat it all away.No one talking about all this stuff drives me crazy.My kids don't have a clue about what happened to me growing up.Ive told them a little but they just think I have mental issues and take a pill.Partly but sure wish they understood.my daughter went for counseling and the counselor wanted her to talk about her childhood .her and her partner bolted ans said no way.I guess I'm the only one getting help yet I seem the most messed up.sometimes I wish I still drank.not really I'd be more a mess.I just want the pain and sadness to stop.I wish I had a dad I could talk to.I miss my dad.he wasn't what I wanted in a dad but he was still my dad.I feel sad for him now.Watching him die was horrible.from a strong man to a scared little old man in a diaper.So many times when he was dying I wanted to ask him about his life.why he was afraid how his dad treated him.The way he treated me I assume it wasn't very good.So much garbage.we lived in a 600 square foot house with eight people.Didnt know any better.seemed all the kids I knew were in the same boat till I got into high school.Then really was faced with how crazy our house was.I lied to my high school counselor about what Upi wanted to do when I got out of school because I didn't have a clue no one ever asked me what I wanted or liked ever,surely not my parents.my mom just recently told me she was always gioing to sit down with me and ask what I liked.wouldve been nice fifty years ago.now I'm sixty trying to find out who I am.Try things and think I like it then self sabotage and think naw.Even did it with girlfriends parents.told them what I thought they'd like to hear.something impressive because I didn't know.went from meaningless job to meaning less job.always hard physical work.didnt have to think too much.Then became a foreman and was constantly second guessing myself.Afraid of saying this is too much for me and giving up the good pay heck.now it's all gone anyways.Id even get a haircut or new clothes hoping someone would notice.then finally gave up and I'd let myself go.jogging pants runners and tshirts all the time.Said it was more comfortable when unless someone was complimenting me I didn't think I was worth anything.Same with girlfriends .Id pick the one that pt was sure to dump me.Then I'd get angry and have alot of flings which Ive made amends to those I could.wow basically did a partial fifth with a friend and don't feel a lot better but can see where my shares were not all self defeated.I can see progress.Also not going to feel guilty for being on the mess for sleep and my mind.my hp will take care of me,Trying to quit too much at 9 once.Afraidcsomeone would judge me.old patterns.Only one was me and a couple guys from aa they're make a big deal about being alcohol and chemical dependency free.Then find out there's lots of people on psychiatric antidepressant antianxiety meds.I was trying to,be perfect I'm on no meds are t you mom ,dad,counselor,aa group or cand forget god proud of me.
My Mom was a PITA, but I still think about her. April 17th will be one year since she passed. Unfortunately, she had borderline dementia at the end and I could not get any of my childhood memories from her. It was not easy to watch her slip away in her last week of life.
For a number of years we had six kids and two adults in an old farmhouse with one bathroom! How did we do it?
Just crying now reading your messages, I'm just so worn out now, I can't even tell my story. All I can say is my mother is in the end stages of alcoholism. I'm in my 40s with 3 young children depending on me. I just feel so hopeless.
I Jopax...I know it FEELS hopeless, but when we work the 3 C's...we did not cause their drinking...we cannot control it and the aftermaths....we will never cure them.....and all we CAN do, realistically, is hunker down..take care of us..get into the steps/slogans/meetings...come here and post..join up so you can get on main board, LOADS of love and support...This group has literally saved my life..and i am not exaggerating....PLEASE keep coming back
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ROSIE, a work in progress!!!
Keep it simple__Easy does it__Keeping the focus on me--AND___"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown
I echo what mama said; The ACA Program saved my life!
Before recovery I was depressed all the time, and I didn't understand why. Now I know that I was programmed not to be happy; that was for other people, not me. I never could achieve Mom's expectations of perfection.
I cut my Dad off when I was 18. He died of alcoholism in 1994.
There is hope through The Program, one baby step at a time. Please join us and share the experience, strength, and hope!!
