MYSTORY

First went to ACA over 20 years ago. We had two Saturday workshops in this area of 5 towns. I met up with some distant rellies there- their family and mine had not missed the ravages of alcoholism.

On the afternoon of the second Saturday the District Rep of Alanon just appeared. She said that we weren't allowed to have ACA. Since some of the people who had come to the workshops were Alanon members they just drifted away form the idea of ACA.

I got a hold of ACA online. There were a number of groups that came and went. The official WSO ACA group was looking okay, but they pulled out of this, in favour of f2f groups.

When I began in Alanon 31 years ago I was a founding member of our local group. We had people who had been members elsewhere. This bought a strength and diversity to our group. Though our local group finally went into recess, at its peak it had 16-18 members.

I see this as a strength to this MIP ACA board. We pool our knowledge and resources. For me it is exciting and dynamic...

I think I might have jumped the starter's gun here Tasha...

...I think the topic is abut starting a 'sticky' thing at the top of the board.

But we all have to start somewhere.

I have been to 8 or 10 live ACA meetings... my next meeting is coming up, Hp willing, in Florida...

for for me this board operates as a live meeting, in its own right!

Thanks for the chance to have my vice heard- it does mean so much for me...! ~ ah that word should have read 'voice'!

And thanks for listening... it adds to my soul! 

DavidG.    

Hi everyone. I haven't been to Adult Child meetings yet, but have been in Al-Anon for a long time. My Mom was my alcoholic and she passed away last September, which has really unleashed a lot of pain and old issues that I want to deal with now. I think that my program has given me a good foundation for recovery, and now it's time for my "little Tracy" to have her say and to grow up with my "Al-Anon self" as her parent. : )

So glad to be here,
Tracy

From the time I was 2 - 11 we moved out almost every year. My mom was ALWAYS leaving for good this time, and then we'd go back. I never understood any of it, and nothing was explained to me. Mom and Dad would fight, even though it was all about him being an alcoholic and refusing to go to AA, I didn't know this until I was much much older. I always thought it was my fault that they split, and I was always the one who rounded up my younger siblings to go hide in the closet while they fought. The only thing I could do while I was terrified, was try and at least console them that everything was going to be okay since they were younger and doing all the crying I probably should have been doing. But I was the care taker.

When my family finally did break up for good, it didn't ever feel like it was going to be for good to me so I acted out, screamed and cried that I missed Dad and I figured that was what got mom to always go back. The last time, when she didn't, I was so angry at her, and my behavior just got worse and worse until we just stopped having any real contact at all. I then was asked in court who I would chose to live with, and my dad looked so sad, and so alone... and I knew my brother and sister would go with mom, and I didn't want him to be lonely, so I chose him.

It's confusing when you're trying to take care of your parents feelings at times like this, instead of the other way around as it should be. And it's confusing when adults give you a lot of power to chose like an adult, treat you like an adult, and let you care for them like an adult, when you're only 12.

For me, it was then very hard to then have them treat me like less than an adult, and tell me what to do - but my people pleasing took over and I still did what I was told. I wanted to appear like I had no problems, like the perfect child. I practically lived at the church down the road, and enrolled in something - choir, bells, youth group, sunday school teacher, nursery worker - anything to not have to be in my uncomfortable home after school.

I got to my dad's place that first day, and it was quiet. No little siblings to play with or make noise. My dad spent most of the time drinking in the basement, and crying. Finally, one particularly long silent day, after I couldn't spend anymore time hanging out with my kitties or the other farm animals, or roaming the woods out back - I finally went bravely down to the basement bar. I asked (as I had been since I was 2) if I could bring my dad a beer from the keg. I'm assuming the answer was yes, however, the only thing I really remember is that he was crying pretty hard, and here I had been doing all the cooking, cleaning and care taking for him for a while now... I honestly couldn't be more perfect! I couldn't figure out any way to be more of a perfect little house wife - so I asked him because I was thinking: "Why am I not good enough for you? Why are you still crying? Isn't the place clean enough? Don't you like the food? Am I not doing all mom's chores in the barn well enough? I said this part very quietly out loud: Why am I not good enough????" His simple answer was: "I'm not crying because of that".



It didn't make sense to me.

The pattern continued. I grew up fast. Wore more make up - tried to even attract older men and wore seductive clothing at 12. Someone had to notice and like me for the adult I was!!!

That was not allowed at school or in church, so finally I turned to other escapes and attempts at joining the adult world. I began to excel in things, and not do them unless I could be the best in my class. I was focused on the college I would go to, the man I would marry, and my 2.3 kids and dog. I know now that all teens go through this, but I was envious of older people. I wished upon a star and prayed to God and begged that genie to come and grant me that wish to trade places with certain people that I didn't just admire, but truly envied in an unhealthy way... I just did not want to be me. It hurt.

I did go on to college, and I did have the perfect little family soon there after. I tried too hard to be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, and my own feelings never mattered. Just who I could make happy, who I could please, and if I couldn't do it well enough, again, I just did nothing at all. No balance. I was never living for my happiness... only other peoples.



So fast forward: Enter into recovery after a terrible 2 years of trying to escape into a beer just like I watched my father do, and somehow, my husband loved me enough to threaten to leave me if I didn't "figure things out".

So I did.


Honestly, it wasn't for the love of him - it was because being divorced put a big red X over my perfect looking life.



That was still unacceptable at the time.



But as I grew in recovery, I began to get to know myself. I began to love myself, and live according to my own conception of a HP - my own values, my own morals, my own likes and dislikes, and trust myself to know when something or someone was good for me, or not. I began to have healthy boundaries, and I worked and reworked those steps until I did find what I was searching for in perfectionism, food, alcohol, sex, shopping etc etc... I found peace.

So the cool thing is first and foremost - I don't have to do all those things anymore in an unhealthy way. And little things... like I have finger nails! No BITING! For the first time in my life that I can remember - I used a finger nail clipper. What fun! I loved the clicking and snapping sounds : )

I'm not all better yet. I still look for validation and affirmation on occasion. I still keep my house overly clean at times. (Another challenge I have found balance in since writing this originally). But I don't buy things I don't need to impress people hardly ever and I don't drink alcohol or over eat. Sometimes I catch myself emotionally eating, (Another challenge since conquered now) but I recognize it, and call my sponsor and we talk about things until we find out what's 'eating me'. I don't think that the only way to know that I'm loved is if my husband wants to have sex with me, and I don't dote for attention in that way. I behave the way that true to me, and these days - making love is just a natural part of being in love with someone, and wanting to share love. And the other really amazing thing about all of it is that since I have learned to love myself, and I believe a HP loves me, I am now able to not only love others in a true and meaningful way - but be a loving parent to myself.

I'm pretty much an open book, but I am so bored with my own story. It's likely to make a boring read as a result! lol

I grew up in a family that was crazy making. Nothing that was overt was honest; I spent the first 20 years of my life in boot camp for reading between the lines and for the real truth that lied underneath the words. My parents were dutiful parents and tried very hard to do the right thing by us, but they were of course driven by their own demons and incompetencies. I left home with absolutely no preparation for any real success in life and had to start reparenting myself right out of the gate.

I began to envy Al-Anon families because at least they knew what to call it and what they were dealing with. Grappling with my families issues was like trying to herd cats.

My mother had a creepy relationship with me and worked very hard at making me as dependent on her throughout my childhood as she could, while at the same time being very available for shaming me in public for not being more competent when it was a reflection on her.

My father was very distant and disconnected and I was sure I was being rejected because there was something terribly, terribly wrong with me. Still struggling with that one. (I recently discovered that my father had made a conscious choice to distance himself from us as children because he was so afraid that he wouldn't be able to control himself from doing to us what his father had done to him, and had allowed others to do to him. His sacrifice still awes me.)

I couldn't find a 12 step group that worked for me and just couldn't relate to the people in them. They would share their stories and instead of being able to relate my reaction was more like WTF? Cold day in h#ll before I would allow THAT to happen in my life! (Which I discovered much later in life is it's own flavor of codependence; you gotta laugh!)

So, I became a workshop junkie. Still am, except for the fact that I live in such a backward town (no judgement there, eh? (smile)) that they don't have any, unless I was to learn Dressage or how to raise chickens, or want to know which Bible verses will fix everything. (sigh) I did take the Bee classes, though.

(Ooops; you know what? I think they do have an Enlightment Intensive Retreat nearby where you spend a week in silence contemplating "Who am I?" I'd forgotten about it. You can go back for another week of "What is the meaning of life?" My idea of a fun hobby! lol)

I finally found EA and felt like I'd come home. Of course the group disbanded about 6 weeks later! lol

It's only recently I've found ACA and found my new home.

And here I be, a work in progress.

Much love all around, smooches, and hugs,
t

-- Edited by trraacy on Tuesday 27th of May 2014 08:23:31 AM

 Hey, great lines, Trace... Beaut!

I used go to ACA meeting many years ago.  Then they fizzled out.

i knew I always vulnerable, but had a good family of my own and good friends and a career that felt like home.

i know we shouldn't share too many details, but this won't make sense if you don't know that I teach high school.  This year my life became unmanageable real fast.  They have changed a lot of things in our district and we are under a new evaluation system.  I thought I was okay with that. I would follow the rubric and everything would be fine. 

Well, I have an assistant principal as my evaluator and she pushes my inner child button like crazy.  Every time I leave her office I am in tears.  I had some real challenges this year and she was of no help.  I felt like crap every time I had to havea conversation   with her.  I could feel my control over my students and my time and my feelings slipping away, but couldn't do anything about it.  I spiraled down and down.  I had two observations where I was rated as emerging effective.   The two tests that students take and on which their scores go into my evaluation got me to be rated ineffective.

this is my 16th year and it has been a nightmare from which I am just now awakening.

SChool is out, but I still have two major things to take care of.  I have to finish the data that goes into my evaluation.

then I have to meet with this woman. I am so tied up about it.  I am trying to take responsibility for my part.  It's hard because they act like the things that overwhelmed are no big deal. I'm embarrassed because I know that I have made a fool of myself crying like a child instead of a grown up professional woman.   I am afraid that instead of just letting me sign my evaluation I am going to have to endure a lecture.  I don't won't endure a lecture.  I hired my own teaching coach and in July she and I are going to work on what I need to do differently.  This lady is going to harp on things I already know and make me miserable in the process. ( she is one of those who finds fault but doesn't give advise.)

then, i to have final sign out with my principal.  He's nice but I am afraid he is really disappointed in me.  I also have that " other shoe about to drop" feeling.  Even though I know that he can't just fire me.  I have a union rep and she has a plan for this negative label I am about to be saddled with.  I am still scared.  

 

Like a child, I just want it to go away.  

by this time tomorrow it will all be over.   I want it to be tomorrow now.

I have been here almost a year.  I've changed in a lot of good ways, but I still have a really bad days where all the old ways try to rule my life (and get too far).  

Some of my earliest memories are of how much I loved my dad. I remember following him everywhere and dancing with him in the kitchen.  That's when I was 5 or so.  

When I was 6 or 7, I learned to fear being with him.  He slept a lot, or he was angry.  One day he put some fries in the oven to heat up but fell back asleep.  Some point later the house was full of smoke, and I was scared to wake him up because he would be so angry.  But I did.  A few years later, his drinking was bad.  He and mom fought all the time.  When they weren't fighting, I had to fight for attention from them, which usually meant crying about something my brother had done to me or trying to be perfect.  I always felt so jealous when they spent any time together without me.  I hated to see them being affectionate with each other.  

When I was 8, my mom sent my brother and I to Indiana (we lived in Georgia) to live with her sister.  It was probably just as bad there.  My aunt was horrid, lazy, and mean. She ingrained in my head that I thought I was a princess and that I was better than everyone else.  I missed my mom so much and still really didn't understand why she was still in Georgia.  By this time, I was on 'mom's side', and everything was Dad's fault.  

Mom came back up to Indiana, then Dad.  She threatened to send him back to his parents in Georgia, and did a few times.  Meanwhile, I maintained the image of the perfect child.  Good grades, cleaning the house.  I learned to spend as much time out the house as I could to avoid the fighting.  Not that it always worked.  

Maintained my perfection and people pleasing all the way to college; in my mind, I just needed to get out, then it would all be OK.  I broke down in my 2nd year of college.  I felt so different.  I could not make new friends, I felt inadequate.  I didn't know what I wanted to do.  I did a lot of googling then, ever the 'don't ask for help' kid, and read about how this all went back to my childhood.  Saw a counselor once or twice.  I glanced at some online forums.  I am very academic minded, so in my mind, awareness of the problem was enough.  

I continued struggling to make friends, had no idea how to date.  Felt inadequate during internships.  I was amazed I had come so far, but was waiting to fail.  

Moved to NC after grad school, far away from my family.  Got into my first serious relationship 4 months after being here (still had no friends, except acquaintances at work).  When that relationship ended, I started dating again 2 months later, and after 6 months and another failed relationship, I started to see the problem.  I hadn't changed at all.  I still put everyone else before me.  I still felt inadequate even though I worked so hard at being perfect.  I still had no idea how to show affection.  I definitely didn't love myself.

I came here not at a bottom then, but determined to change.  My bottom had been several years ago, and I realized I had just been living the same old way.  

I struggled mostly with the spiritual side of this program, and on my really bad days, this is what keeps me down.  I have learned that I have worth, no matter what.  I am slowly, slowly, slowly learning how to love.  My dad quit drinking a year and a half ago.  He and mom are separated.  My mom I think is depressed, very lonely, and has hopes for them getting back together now that dad is sober and working.  It's hard sometimes staying uninvolved (even though we're all in different states), but I cannot force solutions on either of them.  I am living my life.  

I have lived the results of this program, and I have bottomed out and seen it all come back within the course of a week.  It's a ride, it's a journey.  It's messy, it's beautiful.  It's mine.  

I don't really remember a time in my 51 years of life that alcohol did not play a role in my life some way some how. I grew up with an alcoholic father from the get go. He worked hard to support the family but drinking was his thing. Shortly after my youngest brother was born my mother had joined him. I think she figured " if you can't beat him, join him"... And so it was!!! Even with the dysfunction going on I remember many great things in my youth ... Camping as a family, huge gardens each summer, vacations ... But each thing was still surrounded by beer. My dad kept a cooler in the car and literally drank and drove his family around. The family functioned , if you want to call it that . I dated the first guy whose family resembled mine. I figured there would be a lot less explaining to do. We were married for 17 years... That's right, I decided to keep the dysfunction going. His entire family we're alcoholics except his mother who was the enabler of all of them. My ex husband was and still is a wonderful man. He so badly wants to be sober, but why bother when your entire family has the disease? I spent the next 10 years in two horrible relationships .They weren't alcoholics but very dysfunctional, physical abuse, mental abuse. I was addicted to drama and boy was I in the middle of drama. In 2006 my oldest brother committed suicide. He was not an alcoholic, he was an awesome guy. Executive job, wife, coach on his boys sports teams. My family never talked about it much. He and I were very close. At different points in our lives we ended up sharing houses or apartments( he had had a few failed relationships as well). This past November my youngest brother committed suicide. He was not an alcoholic either. You would think that my other family members would notice a pattern going on here, that a family meeting would be called and we could all sit around and talk about how we feel!!!! Hahahaha.... Nobody is speaking to each other. I was very close to this brother as well. At the time of his death I was trying to get him to move back from California and live wih my new husband and I as he and his girlfriend of 13 years were breaking up. Each and every day I spend hours blaming myself. I keep telling myself that each new day maybe I will not think about it as much... So far that hasn't happened. So... I found this place. Where people are like me and I am like them. Each day is a struggle , but each day is a new day...one day closer to something different. I only wish my brothers would have been aware of what was really going on and understood that they were not alone in their battle with ACA crap!!!

Hi!  I'm Net.  I am an ACA here for the first time.  I've never been in a group like this before, although I have been in therapy since the beginning of this year.  I'm a clergywoman in a new appointment (as we say in my denomination).  I've been in this place 11 months.  I've been in ministry for almost 25 years and have never had this kind of dysfunctional church before.  The hook for me is that this church is almost exactly dysfunctional in the same ways my family of origin was/is dysfunctional. 

I knew something was "off" in the first several months, but it has gotten increasingly harder for me to cope.  There's a bully, an enforcer, a manipulator and lots of emeshment going on.  In my own FO, there was mental, emotional, physical, chemical, and sexual abuse.  I've finally allowed myself to "feel" - and the intensity of these feelings is overwhelming me.  I not only feel like I'm living in Crazy Town, but I feel like I'm Crazy Town.

I am trying to take care of myself (some days better than others) but this stuff is no longer head knowledge, but heart knowledge.  It will get better.

Welcome to all the new members! I am really enjoying getting to know you!

Prof wrote:

 Now, years later, I'm struggling with loneliness, emptiness, authority anxiety, fear of men, lack of deep relationships with people.

---

  Welcome to the club... I won't detail what happened to me. I always get lost in the detail... but I still need to talk about it, to own it...

ACA is fairly new- I have trialed it, for myself... all I can really do. Will it work for others? It seems so for me...

      ...my perspective has changed so much. I have a sense of who I am- something I had lost, for most/much of my life.

 

We often say... ~welcome home~ this belies a deep sensitivity... a true born survivor... someone who today had a great joie de vivre...

some one who has hopes that I can act on... I still have trials and difficulties, but I like to think these are regular ones... 

 

Hi everyone,

Just a little of my background:

I grew up in a household where my mother battled postpartum depression and chronic depression going forward. To add fuel to the fire, my father worked many hours and my sister had what we thought was childhood-onset bipolar disorder. Due to the two conflicting issues, my mom frequently reacted with physical and emotional abuse as well as a lot of furniture throwing and frequent screaming and yelling. My sister has now developed into an addict with the following issues:

Disorders: likely borderline personality disorder with histrionic personality disorder, both anorexic and bullemic tendencies as well as several attempts on her life and self-injuries common

Addictions: have included (but may not be limited to) heroin, cocaine, ecstasy, marijuana, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, sex. I realize some of the aforementioned are emotional addictions but she has them.

Actions: highly sexual, very provocative (my parents are highly conservative), oppositional defiant, unable to keep or maintain a job, was arrested and has a chance to clear her record but no motivation to do so, frequent tantrums, very little work done at home, picking fights within the family, overdoing it with her addictions to the point she has had to been resuscitated, extensive oral damage due to bullemia, now has frequent "flashbacks"

I have been out of the household for several years as I got married and moved. My sister still lives there with my mom and dad. As a result, much of my relationship with both of my parents, but specifically my mom (who is chronically depressed and has anger issues) is hearing about her ongoing treatments, the financial and emotional issues she is causing them by not being able to live by house rules, the anxiety both of them feel about her coming back, the anger they have about her provocative actions, etc. It has literally ruined any chances of my being able to relate to them. I have been frequently ignoring my own needs to help them. I am now overweight with health problems.

I find everything challenging because very few people can relate to such a circus of a family situation, but also because I have worked so hard to even establish a relationship with my parents and I see it slipping away before my eyes. I care very much about them and would like a supportive relationship but cannot seem to establish one.

 

As a result, there is an unfair burden on my husband. My best friend often shakes her head in confusion as well. She listens, but again, neither of them can relate as they both had relatively ideal childhoods.

I'm here to figure out what to do with my relationships with them and how I can maintain one without sacrificing my health or giving up.

Welcome, Luka.  Your English is fine.  You can find healing here.

Hi.  I'm not quite sure what to write and I'm hoping it won't come out like word vomit.  Basically, I'm here to learn about the program and work some steps (at some point) because I can't make any of the meetings in my area on a consistent basis (and I'm terrified of opening up in a group...  even observing scares me to death at this point).  My story still makes me feel crazy and like I'm being disloyal to my family, but here goes:

My parents are perfectly well-meaning, but high-functional alcoholics.  My brothers had definite addiction issues when we were teens and young adults, but this of course got swept under the rug.  I'm the only one who somehow dodged the bullet, which is humbling and sometimes makes me feel like there must be something wrong with me that I somehow missed.  There's a lot of guilt there.  Even though I tried to be perfect and pick up slack where I could...  yeah.  You know how that goes.  No matter how objectively I see things, I always come back to I was a huge part of the problem.

I guess I'm here to not only learn, but finally put some of this behind me because it's ridiculous.

Hello everybody! I'm Luka, and I am an adult child of alcoholic. Yesterday I entered the chat room, and it helped a lot. Currently, I'm still working on Step 1. It´s so hard to let control go! My marriage ended after 14 years, and I'm learning that I manipulated my ex-husband for love and affection im many ways. But I lost myself in the process - it was a high price to pay. I'm a people pleaser (I've always been one, despite my fake self-sufficiency). It's hard to face it; I felt so superior because I thought I didn't need anyone (and I was successful in fooling everybody about it)! That was my image, though. That´s not me. I was fooling myself, instead. I don't know if I can forgive myself yet. It's so hard, I always cry when I think about it!

-- Edited by Luka on Friday 13th of June 2014 09:34:37 AM

Thank you, Tasha. But after 40 years striving for perfection (I'm 40 years old), I feel like I'm a fraud. How can I be of any help to someone? I think I was never myself in any intimate relationship (with men). I can be more like myself only when I'm alone. I'm so afraid that my children become like me! I love them so much! I really hope I have not caused them some irretrievable damage. 

Social pressure, need to conform to others... I know exactly what you're talking about, si11ybasil!!! Sometimes I get tired of being a "good girl" (I mean, in a stereotypical sense) as a condition to be accepted. It's really heavy. So... For now, there are two of us (I mean, like, kinda nuts, ##LOL## - ##Handshake##).

Welcome, Chris.  Please read and participate in the threads.  It's good to have you here.

Ty I have a lot to learn and this seems like a good place to start.

Hi, Tasha! Hi, everybody! I just would like to say that you - I mean, all of you, my acoa family - gave me something very precious. For the first time in my life, I feel I belong somewhere. I always felt different - I don't know, clumsy, inadequate... I could not really connect with others. But now I think I'm in the right place. I feel like I finally have a real chance to feel home in myself and in the world.

Thank you. I love you all.

-- Edited by Luka on Tuesday 17th of June 2014 08:02:25 AM

So this is my first day even admitting that I need this even though I hit everything on and beyond the "laundry list".
My mom says a hundred times a week "I'm not a alcoholic" (a not an). I remarked once that my aunt was an alcoholic so she now follows it with "like your aunt R". I don't accuse her of being an alcoholic she just says it every time I see her drinking.
Anyway her saying that has kind of put me in denial even though I have known for a few years now. I can look back and see it was a problem even as a kid. She would take me to drinking parties and dump me in a "kids room" and then she and her husband would drunk drive us all home so..definitely not a new problem.
Anyway I'm Ashley, I'm 24. I'm divorced and remarried with a 10 month old daughter. I have anxiety you wouldn't believe possible and I couldn't even scratch the surface if I wrote a novel on all my problems and their causes. Today realized I have to do something I said out loud "I don't know why I thought things would be better for her" speaking of my daughter. I don't drink or smoke or anything and I am very attentive of her, I do my very best. But, I'm broken inside, I need to heal or I will never be who I want to be for her. I am always walking on eggshells, every second of my life with everyone. I don't know when that started but I remember not being that way.
My mom, she is a guilt tripper. I feel guilty for ever saying her name (mom). If I ever oppose her she cries and talks about how good of a mom she is in such a way that it's like "reaffirm me" or else things will get ugly.
I have seen things get ugly, she once held a gun to her head and talked her into not killing herself. The next day she admitted she was just trying to upset me that she loved herself to much to kill herself. A time after that she threatened to kill herself again, and I told her I didn't care (at age 15 or 16 maybe). I stood up to her a lot as a teenager and got married at 17 and left the state. Then my ex and I moved in with her (I was 21) to settle back into the town and he and I got divorced leaving me home with her. My life almost ended there a few months later. But I fell in love left again and couldn't have been happier.
We got married, got an apartment had a daughter. But then we found out there was a meth lab in the apartments and then we saw a few roaches coming from the neighbors apartment up through our plumbing and then bed bugs showed, we had to get out. My Mom said she would empty two rooms for us at her house (she is a hoarder) and when the first was empty we moved in. The second never emptied. We are moving out tomorrow and she doesn't know yet, I'm terrified!
See the problem is ever since my daughter was born or rather ever since I got pregnant the guilt has ramped up.
She bullied her way in to the birth (I wanted just me and her dad) and even ended up cutting the cord!
I love her. She is my mom. But I don't recognize her at all. So really do I, I don't know. She is a stump on the side of the road.
I love the idea of her. Not the reality.
I get sick from nervousness when I have to think of her.
Baby is awake, more later.
Thanks.

Ashley, my father to this day at age 84, does not admit he's an alcoholic.  But he is.  He just needs to believe he's "better than that."

A friend of his was the "miss work" "public intox" kind of alcoholic.  My mother (and to a degree my father) used to pity that my father's friend's wife and children went to AlAnon and Alateen respectively.  In hindsight, I wish we had been that lucky.

Welcome aboard.

I've resisted this...

   ...but I can't hold back any longer.

             wow.

                           wow.

                      wow.

I am SO blessed up her in this sticky.

Y'all rock.

 

Hello all,

I stumbled upon this page during my search for local al anon & Acoa meetings. I have found in the past year that the alcoholics in my life can't be ignored as easily as I used to be able to. I was raised by two parents who were married 30+ years and up until year 25ish, did a darn good job of hiding any marital issues they may have had. When I was 15 I became pregnant and shortly after, is when I remember my mother's drinking starting.

Looking back I remember arguments in the night involving my father's drinking which I later found out was drug use as well. Anyway, my mother was never a drinker and after my pregnancy it just seemed that she began drinking very regularly. (I have always blamed myself for this). Her drinking turned into a fifth of vodka a day and soon after, heavy drug use. I guess as a middle child I was already pre dispositioned to be the co dependent one. I was always closer to my mother so naturally when I saw her unraveling I sat by her side. I cleaned up her messes, covered her with blankets and removed the vodka bottles from her lap when she passed out. I let her lash out at me countless times, call me unforgivable names and wish me dead.

When I was around 23 I realized that she was taking me away from my own children emotionally and by this time she was robbing my grandmother blind, so I had no choice but to kick her out of my life. This was the best decision of my life. However, little did I know that it would come back to haunt me so soon. As an adult every romantic relationship I have had has been a tumultuous one. Screaming, fighting, throwing things, and even physical violence. And most of it came from me. In 2006 when my grandmother passed something in me clicked. I became angry and it had been building ever since. The anger has turned into anxiety, compulsions, and an inability to cope with things in a healthy way. My first reaction is to yell and leave. I am a master at deleting even the closest people from my life and never looking back.j

Two years ago I met the man of my dreams, he was everything I had been looking for and loves me completely, but he is an alcoholic. And I am a textbook co-dependent. So now I find myself hating him every time I hear the pop of a beer can or smell his breath after a drink. Last year he got sober for eight months. Things were wonderful. We literally didn't fight, I finally felt safe. In March, after eight months, and a promotion at work he celebrated with a glass of champagne. This was the end of his sobriety until two days ago. He has decided to dry up again and I realize this is his battle to fight through, but I have so many things I need to work out before I can stop hating him because I'm not sure anymore if I'm really hating him or my parents. I know he needs my support but I just don't have it in me to care for another victim of this disease. 

I guess why I'm here is because I don't know where to start. I need to work through my issues with my parents before I can work through the issues with my husband and I'm so lost. Any insight as to what my first steps are would be much appreciated. 

Thanks :)

Hello to everyone.

I have been reading the fora for a few mos. Been to al anon each wk save 2, for 7mos.

Just started ACOA mtgs in person.  

My elderly mother is my qualifier, father is enabler. Entire family is very sick w the effects. I am in the process of recovery alone in my family. This makes it more difficult as I am the caregiver for my Mother. 

I am characteristically afraid to trust and share but will try as I move through this.

I will say I live w my parents now after divorce and loss of my home. It's very difficult, but without the program, I would have put an abrupt end to my life by now.

I do not know what the future holds, nor can I guess. I will continue to hold on best I can. It's been a difficult, weary road. I am afraid and isolating. Some days are better than others. 

Thank you.

-- Edited by MovingFWD on Sunday 22nd of June 2014 05:26:14 PM

I sure will - ty for being here!

Dad= hard core alcoholic, pretty much got smashed everyday, very red-faced, would either ignore me, yell at me, or pretty much tell me how stupid I was. Or a lovely combination. I feel like I blocked out alot of these memories. When sober, a very nice but very quiet man. I remember asking him questions and he would ignore me most of the time. He would always give me very big hugs as if to say, even though I'm an asshole, I love you deep down inside. He had a stroke recently due to his drinking but surprise! Still drinks everyday. He is a night drinker, so I avoid him at those times but actually have a pretty good relationship with him when he is sober. His parents were from war-torn Poland who saw their parents get killed in front of them.

Mom= The Enabler. But a pretty awesome person overall and I love her to pieces. She's alot of fun, loves dancing, loves living life to the fullest to the best of her abilities. That said, if she was upset with me she would simply ignore me, resulting in a very confused kid. Also, when my dad rampaged with drunkeness, she would just stay quiet and keep to herself. She would also try to convince me to stay awake with her late at night so she didn't have to cope with my dad on her own (a little triangulation there, eh?). She is the queen of guilt trips. She really is more of a positive person in my life than a negative one though, for sure. Her mom had borderline personality disorder, her dad was supposedly a very cool guy (died when I was young).

Sister is in AA for 15 years and moved out when I was 10 (we are 10 years apart in age). My aunt has always lived very close and she is like a 2nd awesome supportive mother to me. I have a group of awesomely supportive friends who, strangely enough, have similar upbringings! Coincidence? I think not!

I was the golden child when younger, weirdly spoiled although emotionally abused @night. Great student, "good girl" until teenage rebellion set in and I was like screw everyone! Along with teenage rebellion came my interest in "street art," climbing rooftops, exploring abandoned buildings, etc. Had kind of a negative turn there for a while until college, where good grades ensued and I went to grad school for a bit to study animals in SE Asia. Freaked out and dropped out of program to return home, as I discovered I didn't really want to live in jungles for years. Addicted to excitement? I think so.

In a nutshell, not alot of talking/communication went on when I was younger. As a result, I am highly uncomfortable with communicating my feelings. Also very uncomfortable with people trying to tell me what to do, or if they have any sort of issue with me. Me and my husband have a pretty awesome relationship as long as I don't fall into the dysfunction, & I can give you the formula for that its so damn cyclical. Husband has an issue, brings it up in a normal or irritated tone. I get defensive and list all the reasons why I am right and why he shouldn't have an issue. He is too "sensitive," in my irrational brain. He gets more upset as he feels unsupported, I get more stubborn because whats the big deal! When I'm working on "me" this issue definitely lessens/disappears in our relationship. If I'm not being proactive though, it definitely turns into a big bad problem. I'm thinking I'm just recreating my dad being upset with me for no reason and having to defend myself at any cost. Although now this is not my dad and people have the right to bring up issues with me!
Part of the reason I am here, but mostly here for me and for me making healthy choices in my life! I already feel the program working it's magic :)

Thank you guys.

Welcome, Cygnus.  There is help and hope here.

I like it here. Most of my life I have felt like a nobody...

round here I get to feel like a somebody...  -Da.