I'm going to try to be relatively succinct because I fear that "my story" could go on for days.

I joined this forum because I wanted a place where I could share/post anonymously.  Facebook groups are great, but I don't want to be recognized.

I don't know for sure that my dad was an alcoholic (he was a closet drinker, so I don't really even know how often he was drunk), but I *do* know that my family was dysfunctional.  It wasn't nearly as bad as some stories I've read - as far as I can remember, I was never physically or sexually abused (maybe, but I don't remember if it happened).  But there was just constant conflict and walking on eggshells.  While they were alive, though I knew my dad was kind of a scumbag, I blamed my mom.  I saw her highly-anxious personality as "causing" him to be a scumbag.  I swore that 1) I'd never have kids because the example I had for parents would surely ruin them; and 2) I'd never have a marriage like theirs.

I stayed true to #1, thankfully, but my marriage has turned out to be almost exactly like theirs (and I think I've "ruined" a few dogs, as a result).  We have a high conflict relationship.  I was a drinker when I met my husband, rebelling against the world and taking any drug I was offered, as well.  He was a junkie.  When I met him, he didn't like me being drunk - so I quit drinking.  He kept using.  He quit using maybe 20 years after we met (we've been together 30+ years), but some of the behaviors that had been there remained:  lying for sport, being verbally abusive and emotionally unavailable, lazy, not trustworthy, mad at the world...  You could ask me why I stayed, but I really don't know.  I saw him as my "best friend," the only one who would have me (because I'm so "broken").  I also learned from my messed-up mother that you don't leave - you tough it out.  Stupid, but I'm not pursuing leaving, at this time.

I'm here tonight because I've finally reached a point where I think I realize I'm not interested in fixing him, or even the marriage.  I do, however, want to fix me.  I want to see what impact being true to myself and happy with myself might have, on the marriage - and absolutely want to do it just for myself.

So, I've been in overwhelm mode, lately.  The husband's health has started declining.  He's been difficult, at best, in dealing with his health and I've tried but have not been consistent about letting HIM make his own healthcare decisions (because he contradicts himself, in these decisions, and the doctors turn to me).  He's been, except for a couple of moments, an asshole about having me as his "caregiver."

Now, I have a beloved dog with a mass in her chest, and I'm seeing her decline far more quickly than I expected (getting a diagnosis tomorrow, I think).  

In addition, we have a scheduled home remodeling project about to start, but scheduling keeps changing because of the husband's health.

Those are the main causes of my overwhelm.  I find myself reverting to BAD habits to soothe myself.  Not drinking, but eating, Facebook and television.  I try to ask myself, "what emotion are you trying to avoid when you turn to these distractions?"  -- and I realize that I have NO CLUE what my emotions are, except for fear and anger.  I'm intimately in touch with my fear and anger responses but, when I'm just feeling "uncomfortable" and turning to a distraction, I can't even sit and try to identify what's behind it.  Like, identifying my emotions makes me uncomfortable.  Or (maybe) afraid.  I think I've stuffed so many things for so longer (50+ years) that I am afraid to dredge those things up.

How do you start getting to know who you really are, what you're really feeling, when you've buried it for that long?

I have been aware of ACOA for decades.  I have never attended a meeting.  I still won't go in-person, because of Covid (husband is high-risk), and I keep either forgetting to attend virtual meetings or I can't get the privacy I need at the time that I remember the meeting.  Is there a way to get a "jump start" with the literature?  I know there's no substitute for meetings.  I know the meetings may help me understand the steps, but will they help me understand how to WORK the steps, and uncover stuff that I'm apparently afraid to uncover?

As you can see, I have lots of trouble with being succinct!  And I've barely scratched the surface, here...