A whole part of this ACA experience is also seeing how we attempt to create safe environments for each other.   I wonder if my shares hurt others unintentionally and I would never know.  I wonder if my voice is affecting others.   I'm worried because I see how these things from others affect me strongly, enough so I have to leave the meeting right then and there.   

Anytime ACA speak out of turn (interject) or act goofy or funny or speak unintelligibly, I am definitely reminded of my drunk father.    I find the meeting is then "out of control" and no one is stopping it (telling them to stop).  It's like sanctifying dysfunction.  

I tried doing the Anger Release meetings, which encourage ACA to act out their anger on camera.  After a while I wasn't sure if we were really releasing or just exploiting each other's emotional insobriety.   I saw ACAs do things that seemed violent and unsafe and then look into the camera for approval.   

A visibly upset host threatened to leave the meeting because nobody's camera was on (it was not a requirement of the meeting).  

These are a minor 1% of my experience with ACA after a year, but they stick out in my mind til today and so why I feel compelled to share these on the Step Twelve month.   I think to embrace the ACA ideals, that everyone is in recovery, in a process, and not every day is perfect, we are powerless and we have to surrender sometimes, that others do their thing, and I do my thing.    We are literally just moving pictures on a screen, I don't have to "think about" or "worry" or ponder these people who did something sometime in the past.   

If I look inward I see I will have days where I am off but in so much I don't use those off days to define my life, so much I should not use these triggered moments to define my ACA journey.   And as an ACA I see how I am holding onto these negative experiences because I had to in order to survive.  I have lots of evidence that shows ACA meetings run smoothly and beautifully and the unexpected should be expected.