Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families

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Post Info TOPIC: New and evaluating.


Member

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Posts: 10
Date:
New and evaluating.


Hi. I consider myself to be largely ok with dealing with ACOA side effects. By that I mean, I've done a lot of work on myself, learned to feel the fear and do it anyway, to move passed all the little thoughts that tell me to give up. Self sabotage, putting others first, neglecting myself, people pleasing, freezing, have all been unhealthy coping mechanisms I have used to survive over the years. Today I have pretty good boundaries and goals. But I'm here because prior to reaching that point, I made some rushed decisions or reactions and now I want to get out of certain obligations. I married an alcoholic. Now I am just not able to relate to the person who put up with that or got onto it in the first place. 

I still want what I've wanted since forever, which is to be normal. Free of drunk people and drunk people problems. 

I thought I should join this board and start looking within. 



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Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 21961
Date:

Welcome to MIP, Nightowl! 

I'm glad that you found us!

I'm sure you will find people that can relate to your story.

If you know what "normal" is, please explain to me! 

We're here to walk with you on your journey.... 



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In Recovery,

Princess K.



Moderator_in service

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Posts: 17887
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Nightowl welcome to the group. I can relate to being married to alcoholics. I did the same thing and if you know what normal is, I would love to know and that is not being sarcastic

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ROSIE,  a work in progress!!! 

Keep it simple__Easy does it__Keeping the focus on me--AND___"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown



Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 10
Date:

Thanks for the welcome.

 

Normal I have heard is not actually a thing. So maybe I mean someone else's normal. For the most part I have a nice boring life.  Boring as in free of self created drama and chaos. I like this. It is a deliberate crafting. I do not socialise beyond what I am comfortable with, which is mostly coffee and lunches out, with passing pleasantries. I have a few close friends. I like to have everything organised, and I like to work on career goals. I like to have my children dressed nicely and cleanly, with good manners and good grades and food. 

That is the normal I like. It definitely is not normal to my Family of Origin nor to the person I married. It is still a dream I keep in my head though and do my best to live. 

I just can not stand the chaos but do not know how to be free of it.  I deal a lot with shame by association and I wish I could shake that off. Is it normal for ACOA to be hyper sensitive to outside perceptions? I think it is. For me, it is an issue because I beleive that the doors of opportunity open largely based on social perceptions. I feel very conflicted at times over keeping up appearances when I am actually quite a free thinker. Is it normal to non ACOAs to live a life playing peoples perceptions to suit only your advantages without any real and meaningful commitment to shared values? For example, I do not really care about formal education in the sense that I do not hold it as the only determination of intellect. Yet, I have a degree and am pushing my children into professions and giving them the skills to navigate higher education. I can talk to anyone and hone in on what it is that will make them feel comfortable, but I do not really care deeply for their comfort, I do it because other peoples discomfort makes me uncomfortable and I suppose I learned to preemptively disarm people as a means of self protection. 

Well. My goodness. That is revealing for myself to write out. Thank you for holding this space for me. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



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Member

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Posts: 21961
Date:

Thanks for sharing, mama and Nightowl.

Just a heads up that posts on this Newcomer page can be seen on the Internet.  Most of our shares are on the Main Page, which can only be viewed by members.

I guess "normal" is different for everyone.  Most of us did not have the Ozzy & Harriet TV family.

I used to socialize much more than I do now.  Even before the pandemic, I learned more than I wanted to know about people's ignorant viewpoints.  I chose not to be around them any more.

My Mom cared about appearances and kept a lot of family secrets, mostly about what a deadbeat alcoholic my Dad was.  Some secrets I didn't even know until she passed three years ago and I read her papers.

I now keep a close inner circle with people who share my values.  I don't associate with superficial hypocrites.  Needless to say I have a lot less friends, but better ones!



__________________

In Recovery,

Princess K.



Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 10
Date:

I would love to have a circle of people who share my values. I probably need to get clear with myself on what they are. I can be a bit wishy washy sometimes. Thanks Princess K.

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Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 21961
Date:

Thanks for sharing, Nightowl.

I'm not a big churchy person and I quit going when I moved to the country, but now that they are on Zoom I can participate.

They share my values and are generally more trustworthy, although I am not naive enough to think I can't get hurt.



__________________

In Recovery,

Princess K.

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