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All the way from Helsinki, Finland. I'm 44, father of two (17 and 18), a husband.
I have a 25 year long history with depression and anxiety. It's always been clear to me that my issues mostly stem from my father: he was a son of an alcoholic, depressed as well, and not equipped with any mental faculties to be able to medicate his problems with anything else but alcohol. He drank at home, not at bars. He was very self-centered, unpredictable, irritable. His own demons took all of his attention and there was really not much left for me (I'm an only child). My mother has always been a neurotic enabler, which didn't help either. Feelings were never to be discussed at our home.
Up until teenage years I responded to this by being quiet and doing well in school. In teenage I let the school stuff go to crap, and started drinking recklessly and also using other substances. My parents never said anything about it, which I guess was a disappointment to me in some deep down way. By the time I was 20, I had no idea what I was supposed to do, who I was supposed to be, or what I felt like inside. Finally after my daughter was born I had to admit to myself that I needed help with my mental problems.
Since then I have tried all the meds in the book, spirituality and meditation, two runs of therapy. My father died three years ago and that launched me into the worst depression ever. I was on sick leave for 10 months, even had them give me electric shock treatments. Finally recovered with the help of a good therapist. In addition to the concerns about my own wellbeing, I'm also very resentful to know that I've passed many of these codependent traits on to my children. Guilt is a terrible feeling. Thank God for my wife, who is the most kind and emphatetic soul on this planet; not many persons would have stuck with me through all of this!
During the last crash I read about the 12-steps philosophy. I also found Paul Hedderman's talks (he is an ex-alcoholic and AA- speaker, among other things) on Youtube. Them combined I had several key insights about my role in these things, and how I'm not that damaged system that is trapped inside my brain. I also had an experience about letting go, admitting that I cannot get this mess sorted; it's a job that only the Higher Power can do. For a couple of weeks last summer I at last experienced this deep and safe rest that I don't remember ever before having witnessed.
Sad to say, during the winter I have noticed how the old Self has started to make a comeback. I find myself procrastinating and worrying and demanding perfection from myself again. It's blatantly obvious to me how the depression and anxiety, and the mental race tracks they have drawn into my mind, are so well-known and much used for tens of years, that in some sick way they feel "safe". That's why it's so easy to fall back to trodding them again and again, even if on some level I know they don't take me anywhere.
So last week I stumbled upon a local ACA-group. I thought it was just what I needed, and I attended a Zoom-meeting. I don't know what exactly I was expecting, but somehow hearing about how bad everyone else was feeling as well, I felt even worse. Combined with the fact that I was again poking into my past, which I hadn't really done in some years (my last therapist was very solution oriented, and didn't really see value in mulling in the past over and over) I have been feeling really bad for these last several days. It's like a bad rollercoaster of anxiety and bliss (I'm not bipolar). So I really don't know how I feel about ACA now, but still I find myself drawn to the 12-steps concept....
I was also chronically depressed until I found the ACA Program. In looking back at my Family Of Origin (FOO), that is understandable. Mom and Dad didn't get along. My alcoholic Dad was absent. Narcissistic Mom didn't believe in fun.
In 2011 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I think I will always have it, but I am learning to manage it.
There is hope for a better life! Feel free to join our experience, strength, and hope on our Main Page!
Welcome to MIP Keaf! I had a similar experience the first time I was exposed to ACA (and a similar experience growing up it sounds like). It was too sad and too reflective of my own worst fears about myself. I put it down for a decade and just came back. I feel ready for it now. I have found this forum to be a really beautiful space to share without judgment and learn about the ways the program relates to my experiences and my hopes for healing! I also love that they say to take what works and leave the rest, so you can just lean into what speaks to you. Welcome and I hope you come back!
I have a feeling that I really need to focus on healing now, and working the steps. I think I have been doing the Inventory for 20+ years, and I think I'm done with that part for now.
Yesterday afternoon I prayed to God to help me let go of my egoistic drive, which tells me to keep on keeping on in it's depressive spiral, and that I am absolutely willing and ready to let God take over and carry me and take care of me and my life. And there came this bliss-like feeling that I am truly loved by the Higher Power and I felt very safe. A big part of the burden got lifted and I felt lighter. "Let go, let God" really works for me, by saying it I can remind myself to relax the tension and the fear.
I used to be very skeptical about Faith and God, and maybe a big part of the struggle has been the difficulty of admitting the smallness of myself. I see depression as a sickness of the Ego: paradoxically, as bad as depression feels, it still keeps the world turning around the depressed Self and therefore is totally Egoistic. "I AM feeling bad because MY life has been so hard" etc...
there is a BUNCH of stuff on the steps, slogans, etc on the main board..Hope to see you there
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ROSIE, a work in progress!!!
Keep it simple__Easy does it__Keeping the focus on me--AND___"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown
