I guess I should try and add some context and share a little more of my pain and my woes... I understand that our experiences and our traumas are relative to us as individuals, what might have been a damaging experience for one, may not have been for the other, or how does one measure that damage, if one is to measure it, or maybe Im talking of comparing, which I dont think is healthy or useful per say, anyways before I stray of course..... I am the adult child of a dysfunctional upbringing, but realised that from very early on ( but think them at in itself is relative, the character Mortica Adams comes to mind, and her saying that " Normal is an illusion , what is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly" So I have always tried to have a healthy respect of the idea of trying to compare ones life to others, and to define what is dysfunctional, but maybe that was my way of coping at such a young age, what I know is I was born to two very traumatised individuals, by no fault of there own. My father was a Hungarian immigrant that escaped Hungary in 1956 during the uprising, but even his early life had been marred by tragedy and trauma, he had ran away from home at a very young age, even after being sent to a school for gifted children, it seems he had a mischievous nature, and it was probably that nature that led him to find himself in a prison mine at the age of twelve, he told me the stories from quite a young age, having to care for grown men, men of privilege who had never known hardship in there lives, he told me how he had murdered somebody in there even at this young age, and had been placed in solitary confinement, where his only reprieve was an officer who asked him if he wanted to be released, by agreeing to work for the secret police, this was also the beginning of further traumatic events, witnessing the torture and disposal of bodies within secret police headquarters around Budapest. It was around this time that during the uprising and the pushing back of the Russian forces from Budapest Ben Hungary that he managed to escape, but not without having to take more lives to seal that freedom. He was put on a train in Austria and granted refugee status in England. This is where after a few short years he met my mother in London, my mother was born in extreme poverty in Cork Ireland, and was one of at least 9 brothers and sisters, all I really know of my mother story is that her father was an alcoholic and die the deprived life she was raised in, she had been subject to sexual abuse within her own family, she would find herself pregnant at 15 years of age and unmarried, such was punishment in these times in Ireland, she was excommunicated from her community and family, and at sixteen she had to leave her baby to be raised by her mother and brotha and sister pretending it was one of there own and she left with her alcoholic and abusive partner and father of the child for London, this is where a year or two later she would meet my father..... Now I dont know how much of this is relevant per say, but I wanted to set the stage for the wounds and the pain that my parent both carried, and because a lot of new science has shown that we carry genetic memories of our parents trauma, and that these can be hard wired into our genetics at some level, thou I realise we are not defined by those things alone, but must acknowledge some of these truths if only to learn to love and forgive ourselves , and to sometimes seeks answers to where this internal distress can come from. I am the seventh child of my mothers, and the 6th child of my mother and fathers family, my father was a workaholic amongst his avoidance traits, he sought distraction from his pain of what he had gone through and the separation from his parents, but he also had many other coping mechanisms that defined his trauma. My mother has always carried a deep level of anxiety and fear, but hid it well for the most part, but she had suffered for twenty years post natal depression, that had deeply effected the raising of her children. A lot of the information I have intuitively sought out in life is healing and truth based, and having watched and listened to the work of Gabor Mate, he articulates quite well the effects of children of traumatised parents, and as he did with his children, adha is passed on because even a baby will realise there parent is not fully present , and that child will start to compensate by trying to comfort and heal the parent, this being the people pleasing trait In its earliest stages I guess I mention all of this to find context somehow, to a life that felt dysfunctional from the very beginning, and typically because of drugs or alcohol addiction, thou I believe these existed earlier for my father, before I came along. And because my disassociation started from a very young age, and I believe because I was carrying deep trauma within myself, that led me to act out as early as five years of age, I was an extremely sensitive child, if I could only explain how I always seemed to feel my own and other emotions amplified , I would be uncontrollable by my parents or teachers or anyone if i found myself tipping into a rage for whatever reason, maybe looking back now the traits almost follow some of those on the autism spectrum, I was the most sensitive almost to the point of angelic, in touch with feminine energy, but then I carried a shadow of pure rage , though I would never physically lash out, that I was always conscious of, but I would destroy things around me, my own belongings, and even sought to destroy myself in many ways, this behaviour was intermittent over my young life, and always spurred on by environments such as school, and the people I found my myself around, I was eventually removed from primary school, and sent to a special needs school, not because academically I wasnt capable, of anything I think I was too bright in way, if things bored me , I would flat out refuse to comply, unless where my parents were concerned, because I would seek to comply to please them as much as I could, I had a butter contempt for authority from a young age, in later years I wondered if this was actually reinforced by my father looking back.... I could probably write a whole book on the thought a and experiences, but conscious of narrativising it all with a kind of reinforcing selective memory, and although not my experiences were bad, sadly my has followed a very destructive cycle akin to those early days, where I have built my life and worked hard to find good jobs and friends, only to find myself pushing the self destruct button when it all got to much to cope, because I guess I wasnt ready to really heal the inner trauma of it, and probably because I kept myself in that dysfunctional family pattern even up until a few years ago , looking after my father and giving him so much of my life and energy up until he passed away, and that event Israels being a catalyst for change..... Where does one start when they feel that most of there life has been lived as a fish in a sea of dysfunction? It has taught me such wisdom, such compassions and understanding, but all of which I could never extend to myself....... I still tell myself that my life wasnt dysfunctional compared to others lives, but Inthink Im just avoiding the truth, here I am, before myself and all of you asking for the help of a higher power to help me heal and repair the scars of the child that still leaves within me........

Hi magika. You know.. self reliance is a trait for us ACA's - we truly do strive to do it all on our own! And although some of the work is ours and ours alone, we get to make the trip with fellow-travelers. We are all just walking each other home. May you find some direction and support here. We join you in the journey.

This is a safe place to let it out, Chaos!

Thank you so much for your support , and taking time to reply, Im like a new born as far as this is concerned.......look forward to the journey with your support, and even supporting others where i can.....

sincerely Chaos