Welcome, Kiki!

I have been in ACA since February 2019. I feel I have grown so much during this time. About a year ago, I bought the Yellow Workbook and began working the ACA 12 steps. I used this active board to share what I was learning in each step because I didnt have a sponsor. This worked really well for me. Despite many years in therapy, I learned a lot about how this disease was a family disease. I began to realize that I had almost all of the Laundry List traits and why. Slowly, I began to change my behavior because of this awareness.

The irony is that the more I let go of control and admitted to myself I had no control over my reactions and needed my Higher Power, the calmer and more able to act rather than react I have become. I am still a huge work in progress, though, and have a long way to go.

IMO, you have come a long way in that you recognize your behavior pattern. Like PK said, the more you work the program, the miracle does happen. Everyone has a slightly different approach and timing. No one way is right or wrong. But we all see progress over time. We heal by sharing and supporting each other and by taking responsibility for our own recovery.

I wish you success in your journey!

I've been working on myself for about 18 months now.  For me, being able to forgive my parents and let go of my old anger has been one of the biggest things I've gotten out of the step work so far.  Early on, I had an ACA sponsor who had me write down all of my story that I could remember.  When I got to the bloody fist fight with my dad that made me finally leave home when I was 19, I couldn't go any further.  For several weeks, I was angry all the time, even more prone to snapping at co-workers and road rage than usual (and usual was often for me).  I would dream about it at night sometimes and wake up with my heart pounding and start beating my pillow, wishing it was his face.  I started googling things on how to forgive but never really got to that point.  Eventually the intense feelings faded, and I picked up writing my story again.

When I got to my marriage (now divorced) I started to see for the first time how awful I had treated her.  Up until then, I had blamed her for everything.  She was selfish all the time, she cheated on me, she left for our anniversary trip early one year and took her lover with her for a few days, she spent thousands to take him on an exotic vacation after the marriage was basically over, and other things that were worse.  Indeed, she is an awful person.  But I married her when I didn't love her because I was getting older and wanted to have kids, and I didn't feel like I'd ever have another chance.  I was angry with her all the time, even in the beginning when she'd do mildly selfish things I'd become disproportionately furious with her, but I wouldn't tell her about it because I was so afraid of confrontation.  She'd come to me in tears telling me how lonely and unloved she felt, and I'd pretend like nothing was wrong and that I was happy even though I was always angry at her.  She endured four years of my lies and anger before she started cheating.  I was horrible to her.  It's the worst thing I've ever done to another human being.  Once I saw what I had done, I couldn't go any further again.  From the time I woke up in the morning until I went to bed at night, all I could think about was how guilty I felt.  I knew I had to forgive my parents and myself because the anger and guilt completely took over my life once I brought them to the surface.

It's hard to say exactly how I managed to forgive.  With my parents, one thing that helped me a lot was realizing that they were wrapped up in their own problems.  I don't think they knew how badly they were hurting me.  They didn't know what they were doing would cause me to be so afraid of people, or that it would limit the life I could have so much.  They really didn't know.  If they had, if they could see and feel how it was going to affect me, I do think they loved me enough that they would've honestly tried to do better.  Forgiving myself was a bit harder for me.  Like my parents, I didn't see how awful I was being.  When I got married, I lied to myself and told myself that I'd grow to love her more with time, and it would be ok.  When she'd come to me crying about not getting enough affection, I'd panic and go into fight-or-flight mode, terrified of being abandoned.  I truly didn't even see how badly I'd hurt her until I worked on it.  

Working on my steps 3 and 4 was the biggest help, by adjusting my view of God.  I'd always felt like God created us, gave us free will, then demanded that we be good or he'd fling brimstones at us from the sky.  Perfection was the standard and punishment was my lot.  Working my way through being able to forgive, I see it differently now.  To me, God is our father who created us because he wanted to have some kids to love, and all he really wants is our company - for us to love him back.  I think that's why we're here.  And I do believe that God loves us all to pieces.  He wants to see us grow up, go to college, have great achievements and great joy, have kids of our own, and to love each other to pieces too.  When I was so broken I asked him to let me die, he didn't let me give up.  Somehow he used it to make me want to live my life better than I ever have before, and I take that as proof of God's great love for me.  And I know he loves my parents and my ex as much as he loves me because they're his kids too.

Once I was able to honestly say I forgive my parents for what they did, and what they failed to do, almost all of that anger was gone.  Since then I've had a few moments of unreasonable anger, but I didn't act out, and I worked my way through it.  I knew I had problems with my temper before, but I thought it was learned behavior.  I had no idea that it was still my past that I was carrying with me until I was able to put that past down.   

I'm sure that your experience will be different.  Working the steps is different for everyone and we all have to process things in our own way.  But if you can clearly identify the problem and keep working at it, I'm also sure you'll find a way to leave your old anger behind and enjoy all the good things about your life and relationships.    

 

Thanks for sharing, intothesea.