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I have recently rediscovered ACOA after talking to my mom about Al-anon and I would just appreciate some guidance from those who have been working on this for a while. I just turned 20 yesterday and I have been trying to navigate my relationship with my alcoholic father for the past 4 years. When I was about 16 I was the one to call him out on his drinking and essentially kick him out since my mom and older brother couldn't. I feel like I've been an adult my whole life and I'm still struggling with the trauma of my childhood. I go to therapy, take medication, and talk to my other family members for help but I still just don't know what to do about my relationship with my alcoholic dad. He continues to contact me and reach out, but I always feel hurt by him and he constantly lies about getting help and getting better as he is still sick and drinking. I've just been feeling really hurt and defeated and lost lately and was hoping to reach out to anyone that had encouraging words, stories, or anything that would be helpful or at least give me hope. Thank you all
Hi and welcome to our family of recovery!!! You CANT change your dad but you CAN change you...b4 recovery, (it was my mother) I focused on her..her drinking..what can I do to get her to not drink??? keeping her from getting liquor and I had no life for me.....I had to LET GO...LET hers and my higher powers care for her and care for me....We did not cause their drinking...cannot cure their drinking and damn sure won't be able to control their drinking....so the most loving thing we can do is focus on US...OUR recovery, OUR mental health and lovingly let them to their own consequences...Sounds selfish, but if I don't put me first and take care of me, I am useless to the ones I CAN help to **Help themselves** and the key is that!!! I have to put my needs first..so the ones I CAN assist, I am not all burned out and unable to do anything.....you are not alone....On our main board (you gotta join up) you will see the love and caring and sharing on our board...there is stuff on the steps, and healing from trauma, codependency and all kinds of great things.....come on home when you are comfortable....We will leave the porch light on....
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ROSIE, a work in progress!!!
Keep it simple__Easy does it__Keeping the focus on me--AND___"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown
As mama said, the only person we can change is ourselves. You can' t make your Dad stop drinking, or find recovery. You can decide how to relate to him to protect your own feelings.
In ACA we have an adaptation of the 12 Step Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.
Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope! We have all been in your shoes. You are lucky that you are finding recovery at your young age!
Big hug for you today! I'm so glad you found your way here. I know you will find tremendous support and encouragement here. For I have. And I have also seen others be blessed and received with love.. just the way we are.
Growing up in an alcoholic home is traumatic. And although you still carry that innocent and beautiful child within you, today, you are no longer bound to anything that is not of your choosing. You are an adult now. Free to love yourself and build the love that you dream of.
We are here to hold your hand and give you support, love, and help.
Alcoholism is a family disease. Progressive and relentless. And it took me a very long time to truly get my head around the true power of this disease. And to even understand it was a progressive, relentless disease. But we do have recovery. We do have ACA. We have steps, support, fellow travelers, and so many great tools.
It's critical that you put yourself first in your recovery. You come first. Before anyone else in your day, in your life, in your world. Please feel free to message me anytime. We are here for you.
Big hug.
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April
"We were entirely ready to begin the healing process with the aid of our Higher Power" Tony A's Step 6
hey ((((April))))) I wish this board had a BIG "LIKE" button...cuz I just loved your post.....
and PK, thanks for the good ole Serenity Prayer..The only one that really makes sense....
forgrace, you are SO not alone....We are here...You took a brave step coming here...your higher power as you understand it is "nudging" you to "time to take care of you" we can love our addicts and alkies, but we cannot walk their walk for them..We cannot change their life song for them...we can only change ours...putting your needs and your recovery first is the most UNselfish thing you can do because as you take care of and love yourself, you can radiate and share that with folks whom you can share with....This is something dad is gonna have to work through himself...I have a beloved alcoholic brother..it took a while in recovery to find out I can love him, be a friend to him, but TAKE care of ME first, and with LOVE---detach from his disease and still love the brother....
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ROSIE, a work in progress!!!
Keep it simple__Easy does it__Keeping the focus on me--AND___"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown
hey April, Rosie, and PK,
I just want to say thank you for your encouraging words. Hearing from such strong women who have gone through what I have and are working through recovery has given me a feeling of comfort that I didn't know was even possible, let alone what I needed. Something that this has made me think about too is that I never really considered the fact that I needed 12 steps for recovery. You know, HE was the alcoholic, HE's the one that needs 12 steps because he's sick, not me, but after exploring this site I realize that I also have unhealthy patterns that have come from my experience that I need to address in order to change and help myself navigate all of this. I really appreciate all the support and welcoming you all have given me <3
All of the info. and new ideas can be overwhelming at first.
ACA's founder, Tony A., wrote the original ACA 12 Steps, which have been adapted in modern times.
Tony wrote:
Step 4: We made a searching and blameless inventory of our parents because, in essence, we had become them.
We grew up in a dysfunctional family and take on many of its traits. I didn't know any better; I had no idea what "normal" was. I was on the road to becoming my Narcissistic mother. Thank goodness I found recovery, and I am a better person for it!
but I still just don't know what to do about my relationship with my alcoholic dad. He continues to contact me and reach out, but I always feel hurt by him and he constantly lies about getting help and getting better as he is still sick and drinking. I've just been feeling really hurt and defeated and lost lately and was hoping to reach out to anyone that had encouraging words, stories, or anything that would be helpful or at least give me hope. Thank you all
Hi forgrace and welcome...what kind of relationship do you expect from your dad??? he is not in recovery, i take it, so what can you expect from an alcoholic who , most of them do, lies to you??? you can expect nothing but drinking an lies...thats it...till he gets into recovery...i know that sucks, its like you lost him to the drink and you did...but you didn't cause it, will never control it, and will never cure it...that is HIS life song, not yours...you CAN write a healthy life song for you by coming here, working the steps, going to meets., finding a sponsor to guide you thru the steps and joining up and sharing on our main board where there is a ton of support, love and sharing/caring....I have an alcoholic brother...my best pal, used to be..now I have to view him differently since he became into the disease...i love him, but from a sort of distance...I hate the disease but I love him, so to protect me and My sanity, I don't take his calls when he is drunk....if he starts getting "weird" on me from the disease thinking, I just end the conversation, "gotta go, i think the dogs need letting out" i also set boundaries.."don't call me when you are drunk because if you do, I am outta here' yesterday, he called me drinking, on the way, it was Christmas and I tolerated it a bit, then had to go....I have ZERO expectations of his ever being there for me, being consistent in his keeping contact with me, ever straightening up and getting back into AA (when he lost his license--dwi---he was forced into program) then he got his license back and there went the AA meets...
I can love him, but it is with boundaries and zero expectations....I don't fight him anymore about his drinking...I detach with love from him when he is S*** faced and I just don't want to, don't have to be around it....I take care of me..
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ROSIE, a work in progress!!!
Keep it simple__Easy does it__Keeping the focus on me--AND___"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown
