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Greetings fellow travelers! Im struggling with guilt over my alcoholic mom. She recently moved closer to me (one complex over). She is 68 and due to decades of drinking, shes pretty frail. She has trouble seeing and she broke her hip in her 40s, so her mobility is pretty lousy. I told her that I would not tolerate her drinking when she moved here. I was tortured by her alcholoism as a kid, as I was the only one who would stay and help her. My dad and sister took off. Anyway, like clockwork, right before the thanksgiving holiday, she goes on a bender and falls. i was away with my husband, so I didnt find her until 2 days after her fall, lying drunk in her bed, empty box of wine on the floor. I called the ambulance and the er doc, who was visibly disgusted by her lying and obvious alcoholism, tells us she has a fractured knee cap and releases her. I ask her if she is ready to get help. Im 8 years sober and in AA. She says no, like she always does. I call my sister, who lives 30 min away to pick her up, bc my car is too small to transport her with a leg that had to be extended. Its at this point that I tell both of them that Im done. If she doesnt treat her alcoholism,Im not nursing her back to health, only for her to do this again. My sister thinks this is incredibly unfair (yet, shes the one who took off with my dad or other family members when I stayed behind to watch my mom when we were kids). I blocked all their #s and I havent had any contact with them since Thursday. Today, the guilt is creeping in. Should I be checking in and making sure she has food? Is that enabling? Im filled with a lot of anger and hate over this. I made the decision 8 years ago to stop drinking. My life is amazing, except for all of the members of my family of origin. Am I detaching with love by having no contact? Im really confused! I know someone from ACA has been through this or worse, so I welcome any advice thanks and blessing
Welcome to MIP, NewLife!! I'm so glad you found us!
As an experienced 12 Stepper, you know that we can only recover ourselves. It's very difficult to watch a family member who won't help themselves. Perhaps some of our members can share their experience in situations like yours.
In ACA, we focus on overcoming the baggage we carry from growing up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional home. Alcoholism is a family disease!
If you click on the New Member link on the top right you can join us and see our daily readings and personal shares. Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!
HI (((NewLife)))) glad you found us...I had an alkie mom, too, but sadly she was abusive and horrid to me so I didn't love her, so I didn't help her because by the time I was old enough, I just walked away from her...THAT said, I do have a beloved Alkie brother whom I DO love...and yes, I used to beg, help, pay his cell phone, help him, but he didn't want to help himself..refused to get in program, now his liver enzymes are up, he has blood clots in legs, ALL due to alcoholism.....I detach with LOTS OF LOVE...he knows I love him, but he ALSO knows that i will not carry him, anymore, over the piles of garbage he puts in his own path with his drinking...I let him face the consequences..he is 64 now and plenty old enough to know whats right for him and what is wrong....it kills me to see him killing himself, but I am #1, powerless #2, only he and his god of his understanding can help him IF he wants the help #3, to keep MY sanity, I had to let go with love....that "letting go" does not mean kicking him out of my life...it merely means, I let him reap the karma he sows for himself...I let him experience the consequences of his drinking............2 years ago, almost, he got a DUI, and was suspended license for 90 days, pending AA meetings and he had to SHOW he went, THEN go to court and get his license back...at first he wanted me to write letters to court pleading for him...I told him..."you did this...You gotta fix this" and I did not intervene.....he got his license back, eventually, but refused to keep going to meets...he flat out TOLD me, "i dont' want to quit drinking" so I said "ok...I am not gonna talk to you on phone when U R drunk, not gonna bail you out, not ever gonna pay your cell phone...because I need my $$ for me AND this is YOUR life and YOUR responsibility" I told him I loved him and IF he wants to get into AA, i would send him the wonderful online step worksheets I got and some of them I created for this other site I was moderator on, and I told him I will guide, help him IN RECOVERY, otherwise, he has to fix his own stuff......
it is my only hope that he gets sick and tired of being sick and tired...
i arrived at this by asking myself....IF I keep helping him, I am robbing him of the lessons, karma he needs to experience to learn and to grow and MAYBE get help....if I keep helping him, absorbing his problems, he won't think he HAS a problem, like he won't see it as bad as it is.....so letting go...stepping back....loving them, but taking my hands OFF his problems, is teh most loving thing I can do.....
I am so glad you reached out to us.....please keep coming back..............HUGS of support
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ROSIE, a work in progress!!!
Keep it simple__Easy does it__Keeping the focus on me--AND___"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown
