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Post Info TOPIC: being a child in an adult's body (today's reading) and life goes on...


Guru

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Posts: 1091
Date:
being a child in an adult's body (today's reading) and life goes on...


Yesterday I spoke about how bad I felt when my sister copyed me.

It's something my parents reprimanded as being 'jalousy' and for a long while

I felt guilty and shamefull about feeling anger when my sister took my belongings

or ideas etc...

I know for her it must have been that copying me was a way of pulling herself 

forward, perhaps becoming more mature ... I guess.

But to me it felt like I was pushed backward beacause then I had to struggle

again to individuate myself, to become someone different from my foo members, 

which was a necessity to me ...

This need of beeing different was never understood in my foo nor respected.

I remember a reading from a parenting book that sayd that in 

order to mature a child needs to differentiate from his foo members but 

paradoxically he needs that differentiation be acknowledged and respected,

and supported. This is a basic need for growing up.

In my case I was not allowed to grow up, and I had to do it through rebellion

and force, and through distancing myself from them, which is not normal.

But all this didn't help me grow up on the inside, only on the outside ...

 

At 35 I reacted like a 4 years girl in situations that frustrated me ..

until I found recovery...

 

I realize this is connected with today's reading... and with being a child 

in an adult's body...

And I just whished it were different ... but today I believe that a 'smooth'

life with all the right steps in the right order and meeting the right

people at the right time ... it doens't exist.

To me spirituality and ACA help me grow up ... and when it happens, I am 

starting to see that the past is ok too ... as it is ... even though it had

physical and emotional abuse ...  it made me into the person that I am today ...

and I am a good person (which doesn't mean that what happened was ok, just that 

I was able to make it something ok ...) I hope so ... I can see that I am a

good person now ... and that is all that matters...

There are still a lot of doubts and fears but they are not the norm, only

ripples on the surface of the ocean ...

and it feels as if I'm in the right place at the right time ... and this is recovery ...

 

Thank you for reading me,

 

Love,

 

Iléana



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Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 5098
Date:

Thanks for sharing, Ileana.

True, the past is what it is.  I can't change it, I can only accept it for what it was.

I hope that I have learned from it and become a better person.  I would like to think that with my age has come wisdom, although I don't always have the answers.  I do know enough not to rush to judgments and to ask people who may know.

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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