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Post Info TOPIC: thoughts ... and inner child frustrations ...


Status: Offline
Posts: 1091
thoughts ... and inner child frustrations ...

Feeling empty after that lunch at the restaurant.

I didn't want to go anyway. I am much better home, I'm not a 'going out'

person. When I go out, I prefer walks in nature, not sitting around a

table trying to make the kids less noisy so that we can talk ...

But this time it was sitting on a table waiting for the time to pass

so that I can finally return home, where I had my painting to do

(I am painting our inside doors in various colors, actually painting

coloured frames around the doors and windows, something that gives life

to the house, I just love it, I need some creative hobby to do in

my quit moments ..)

Anyway, feeling very bad. Still hurting. Telling myself I'm never 

going to restaurant with this friend again, I'll just find an excuse

etc etc .. my husband and her husband are very good friends and they

are chatting all day on FB. We see each other from time to time and 

catch up. I used to think she is like a little sister to me, because

she was pregnant with her 1st and 2nd at the same time when I had my 3rd

and 4th kid. So we had a lot in common as young moms...


I think I needed to remind myself all that because this time I was deceived

but maybe people have the right to second chances... we had a lot



Ok she is not perfect... I am not perfect either. Tell me something new.

I don't need to idealize people to that point. It was not such a bad day.

Kids enjoyed it, they love that 'cowboy' restaurant and it has a playing area ...

It was my friend's daughter annivesary and this girl is a real sweetie...

I think I also like her because she is the oldest of two girls, like me,

and I see a lot similarities with me as a child ... she is shy and smart,

and pretty... and her litle sister wants everything she has, what a nightmare for a child.

My sister was like that. She had to had everything exactly the same as I had.

The same clothes, the same food, etc etc... later it was the same shampoo,

nail gloss etc ...

It made me angry, she had to copy me in everything, why couldn't she just 

be herself. Now I can see it was a handicap for her to try to be a copy

of me instead of finding herself, even though at the time life seemed easier

for her ...

I was in search of myself and all she did was take my 'foundings' and apply them

to her... I was finghting for an identity and she took it all ready.

I thought 'if only I could have an older sister and she'd be for 

me the support and model I am for her'. But I didn't have anyone.

I never wanted my mother as a model (unless for being her opposite).

All this felt unfair... but today I know it made me strong and independent,

and gave me the courage to leave home early and make my own life ...

courage which my sister did not have... she had a marriage just like my parents,

and the fights were much violent so it ended up in divorce ...

I had the courage to search recovery and today I am healing my marriage, it was 

that or divorce (or suicide)...

Perhaps I was jalous on her as a kid, perhaps envious, I whished my life was

easy like hers, I whished someone who'd comfort me when the parents weren't there,

like I comforted her, I whished someone to make me laugh like I made her laugh,

someone to invent stories every day like I invented for her ... yeah she had

a good childhood. She told me so. ('we were so happy!')

SHE was happy. Because I was there for her. But who was there for me?

No one.

I am thinking that taking care of her back then taught me to care for my children today.

It was not something I did because I had to, it's just that kids were 'my thing'.

Always were. I find them much more interesting than adults.

It all turned for the better. But still ... it was not what I wanted, was it.

But it was the best that could happen at the time, was it.

Hard to believe.

Why couldn't God just give me a message at the time 'it's all going to be ok,

I'm here, just let yourself guided, trust me, it's all ok ... you are not alone'.

Why didn't that HP show up???? I needed it!

I was so filled with frustration as a kid! (a feeling that I have very much

difficulty to handle in my children ... I guess) Still am today.

Why things didn't happen my way?

Because they couldn't. It wasn't the right thing.

Hard to accept. I can't accept that.


This is where I am today ... I am going to make a tantrum on my pillows, sounds like a good thing to do ...


Thank you for reading me friends, thank you for being here ..







Status: Online
Posts: 5098

Thanks for sharing, Ileana.

I was also the oldest until my Mother remarried when I was 12.  My older Stepbrother didn't bother with me much.  It would have been nice to have someone to guide me instead of having to figure everything out for myself.

Come to think of it I turned vegetarian, then he did.  I changed my name, then he did.  I left home, then he did.  I was the trend setter?

Recently I heard a talk on TV where a woman said she got her people skills from her Mother.  What did I get from my Mother?  She who yells the loudest is right.  In marriage demand 50%, take 80%.  The world revolves around me.

I was headed down the same road, but thanks to recovery rejected all of that and became a better person.

In Recovery,

Princess K.



Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 78

I am also the older of three.

My brother always imitated me, to an extent where he took what I did - I dont know if blocking me.

He always took it further in his own way though; he did not do the exact same.

I was like a source of inspiration; gathering - trying different things.

For me its a bit like my territory being taken over by him constantly.

Then I learnt to imitate him; this has been quite beneficial since I began this. I learnt a lot.

"My guess is also a way to retain and have something shared, a bond" -- sounds more like a petty excuse; although its likely another layer to it.

One of the things I experience in this forum is often a lack of other layers to family life; too grand a focus on how horrible it all was.
"May be a counter-reaction to a life of "innocensifying"/"angelifying"/"self-denying""

Like attracts like; not that I am in any way innocent on this point myself...

I have really awesome family; I miss them a lot and I miss our interactions. Something happened where these became like demonized massively - starting 2015.

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