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Post Info TOPIC: deceived and hurt


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1091
Date:
deceived and hurt


Something I keep thinking of. 

My parents always had this huge fear of burglars. In the evening 

they would check if the front door was locked, ans they would do it

several times, compulsively.

There were never burglars in our appartment, nor in the neighbouring 

appartments. But they kept speaking of that ...

I don't know why but I felt responsible for it.

I kept trying to rationalize and laugh about it, but then I started

to always feel insecure no matter where I was.

Like at any moment someone could come and take away what I had the 

most precious and important.

And then I realize how stupid this was and tryed to hide this fear,

and not tell anyone, but life became a race and a struggle for self

protection, a need to lock myself inside myself with several locks.

I don't know if this makes sense. 

No one could see the real me. Or they were going to rob me of it, they

were going to try and 'fix' me according to their own problems, and 

I could not take that risk. 

Maybe people see that in me today and they don't get close to me because of that ...

 

Today we went to a restaurant with a couple of friends. They had brought

another couple with them. 

The men talked with each other at the other end of the table. The women 

talked to each other next to me but in vietnameese. I could not understand 

and no one seemed to want to include me in the conversation for most

of the time. I felt stupid. Like an idiot. Shamefull and inferior.

So I played with the kids instead.

This is something that happened everytime in my inlaws house or when

we went out together (and for some reaons hubsy never wanted to go out

unless we brought his mother with us! - had to cut off with her to have 

quiet family lunches and dinners!) I was an 'outsider'.

 

But this is also my story in my foo. It was like there were groups,

and I wasn't in any of the groups. My mother and my sister. My mother 

and my father. The three of them. And I wasn't in any of those groups. 

I was never 'inn'. I was always 'out'. Always different. No one talked to

me. No one told me anything. But they had secrets they told each other.

Not to me. They made decisions together but not with me. Or this is 

how it felt. They would discourage me together in not talking, not acting, 

not doing anything that would endanger the family's sick balance.

 

My first year of studies in France I had the right to a scholarship 

in my country but I could not go and pick up the money because I was in 

France. I asked my sister to go and pick it up for me, but she sayd no,

just silly reasoning (you are in France, I'm sure they'll tell me that 

since you are not here you don't have the right to take the money, I'm not

going to waste time for you') I begged my parents to go pick it up, they 

sayd no, the same silly reasoning ('I don't want to waste time with that,

what if they tell me that I can't get the money for you')

No one in my family went to pick up that scholarship money.

Finally I asked my boyfriend to do it, but since he was a guy with way

fewer ressources than me, I told him to keep half of the money and 

half to give it to my sister. I just wanted to be nice to everyone, 

so that they'll love me and not be mad at me because I had bothered them

for doing me that favour. I didn't kept anything for myself.

(that goes with today's reading subject, I would do anything for affection,

including starving. In France I would eat bread with mayonnaise on it in order 

to have some extra money because I liked to go the movies, and I let that 

money to the people that I needed love from most).

And underneath my 'kindness' there was rage, dispair, hunger for affection,

and such a deep need for love...

 

I don't know who I am and what are my needs.

I love the relationship that I have with my children and my husband.

I spent years working on it.

I love sharing here. 

I don't think I can ever trust anyone from 'outside' with my feelings.

My vietnameese friend deceived me today because she only spoke with her 

other vietnameese friend and I was not included. So I'm telling myself 

that we weren't that close anyway, what I was hoping for, she does not really 

care ... But I'm hurt. I am. A lot.

I feel guilty, shamefull, worthless. I feel mad.

And all those times from the past when I felt betrayed and angry are coming back.

'you see, people are not trustworthy, I told you, your parents were right

to fear people in general, they only betray you'.

 

Feeling lonely...

 

Gotta go put the kids to bed...

 

Thank you for reading me friends, I hope I will never loose 

this group because this is my only refuge where I can be myself ...

This is where I am today...

 

Love,

 

Iléana



__________________


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 5098
Date:

Thanks for sharing, Ileana.

IMHO, it is very rude to speak in another language and not include everyone.

In Recovery,

Princess K.



__________________


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1091
Date:

Thank you Princess...

Kids asleep ;) I'm back with my sharing.
It's all about not feeling loved. This deep pain ... that as a kid
I mistook for love. I belived that the more it hurts the more it meant
love ... when actually it was exactly the opposite.
How could I be so stupid...
I'm so sorry my inner child, I am so sorry ... you must have been through
so much ...
I remember being alone in my room and crying, I wanted so
bad for someone to come comfort me but no one ever came ... even I only
remember crying for long periods of time, alone ... and thinking 'one day
I'm going to be someone important, and they will all regret how they are
treating me today, and they will all "love" me' (like they could love
someone by force) I really belived it was all up to me.
I just had to become someone important 'somebody' and they all were
going to love me. How well I remember that, like it was yesterday ...
Just me and the old carpet. I was crying on the carpet and I remember
that carpet so well, it was an orienal carpet with very complicated
drawings, but I have them in my head very clearly today ...
Those moments of pain so intense stayed within me, the pain is still there.

I love you so much little girl .. so much ... let yourself shed those
tears... but today I'm here for you. And I'll never go away from now.
I'll always be here. You will never be alone again ...

Love,

Iléana

__________________


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 5098
Date:

   {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Ileana}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks for sharing.

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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