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Post Info TOPIC: SMR Reading... for 12th October...


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SMR Reading... for 12th October...


 

 The reading for today was about asking for help.

I never really ever knew how to ask for help... I must have asked once or twice when i was very young. But learning that there was no response I stopped asking.

Ah came into Alanon first. Deep down i had learned that my needs did not come first. I know now I was desperate- for my needs to be recognised, if not met.

Part of all this I believe was the victorian-edwardian culture we sprung from. Two major world wars and the the saying: "Ours is not to question why, ours is but to do and die."

 

My parents generation the thing was to go out and drink and smoke- to prove they were "all growed up". Elbow benders. The knee benders had other forms of escape, which were a bit more benign.

So inside of all this- family dynamics were weird, to say the least. I knew some families who bucked the system and had friendly happy conversations with each other. One older boy I know was painfully shy and shunned. His mum came from the West Indies. Ah hated that sort of thing.

 

Ah'm freewheeling a bit here, with my thoughts. If one or two here wanted to join our NZ ACA D-F facebook group they could get a SMR reading every day. I have the book- well thumbed.

I was 20 years old. At my wit's end. Ah rang up a telephone help line. I said I would like to be referred to a pastor. They took that to mean 'no pastor'. They referred me to a social worker in some church agency.

I turned up at this huge building at the appointed time. I wus a country boy. I couldn't find my way into the building.



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He poto, he reka...  short and sweet... the latter is a saying of mum's. 

 

 

 

 



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Thanks for sharing, david.

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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P.S.: You could post SMR here for our enjoyment! 

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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Asking for help was something I learn not to do as I grew up. Asking for help required that I already knew how to do something because I would be punished if I didn't have all the steps and facts right before I asked.. It was also something not to do when trying something new because any sort of failure was not acceptable. I learned not to start new things that might require asking for help. As I got older I narrowed my choices of things to try to what my one friend knew. As my life went on I tried less and less, only doing what I was sure I could do with out asking for help.

I'm not sure if this fits into the asking for help process, but,  I was at a meeting and a new member was sharing and begin to cry so the person siting next to them put there hand on them. I begin to burn with anger (I think it was anger) because this was so wrong. However I waited until the meeting was over and talked to the "leader" about it, I did not want to shame someohe and did not know how to deal with this issue. I pointed out to the leader the passage in the book that explains not to touch someone in the meeting and why. The leader stated that we leave it up to the person being touched decide if it is OK or not. I thought of all the things that could and would go wrong with this thinking, like what about cross talk, is it only the person that is the subject of the cross talk that has the right to speak up? 

anyhow,I explained why it was in the book and suggested we read this part at the start of the meeting and gave them my experience with someone touching me in a meeting when I was crying. How I left the meeting and did not return for 24 years. To this I was told that I was  looking for an excuse to leave anyhow. I felt shamed and agreed with them (people pleasing) it was my fault I left not the person that touched me or my lack or understand as to what I had felt. I was just wrong and of course needed it reinforced that it was me that was wrong. That the book was not really the voice of our fellowships experience. That the leaders was right because he knew best. Then I was no longer concerned for the integrity of the meeting, the new commer or the particular reasons why we don't touch someone. It was as in my child hood. No matter what I said or did it was turned on me and I was made to feel wrong for bringing it up because I must have been looking for some excuse to do something wrong and everyone else was right. Yes it's anger I feel at this.

I woke up very early and was very uncomfortable. It took me about 30 minutes to realize it was because I had been shamed for speaking up, and made to feel wrong, uninformed, less than. I became  angry at what the person had done and wanted to talk to them and let them know what they had done and how it affected me. I decided to try and talk about it but first I  needed to call my sponsor and run it passed them before I did anything.  I am still angry so I came here to write, even though I sometimes get the same feeling from some of the character that frequent this board.

I'm beginning to get the feeling that my higher power is working in this and has a way for me to grow "through" this. 



-- Edited by Bob B on Friday 13th of October 2017 11:57:37 AM

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  Hi Bob... I find that when we get into ACA we get triggered left right and centre.

No matter what we do I found it was unavoidable. [And, right now, I might be triggering you- or not ???]

It would be interesting to know.       Some older 12 steps get bound down with rules and protocols they cease to function well. I was in this space before coming here. With my GOO. [Group of origin.] 

My nearest f2f group has a box of tissues on the table. Only the person needing the tissue is supposed to touch the box. This makes sense 9 times out of 10.

But then there was one person in tears. The person next to them hugged them after the share. Fact is that they were both close friends- and for that one time it was appropriate.

The boundaries and personal space are touchy- really touchy for us ACA's... in my family of origin it was damned if i do, and damned if I don't, a lot of the time. Breaking out of this chaos and conflict takes some doing.

Sometimes we do have the right to be wrong. How else will we learn... confuse...



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He poto, he reka...  short and sweet... the latter is a saying of mum's. 

 

 

 

 



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What are the book reasons for no touching when crying?
What book, the BRB? If someone wants to answer.
Just curious. In CoDA some did, some didn't. I once said something when some one was crying and knew immediately that I was wrong. But would do that with family or friends. Hard to get used to the rules and realize it is not a conversation. .
Once someone had a bad reaction to the sharing and everyone went to her after the meeting. I didn't because it seemed like a competition about who had the power there to mollify, who was allowed to do so and who wasn't 'one of us' so they better not intrude, like a gang in school or something. That kind of thing is a hard bitten women thing. Then felt really bad I didn't stick around to see if she was alright.


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Jgirl wrote:

What are the book reasons for no touching when crying?
What book, the BRB? If someone wants to answer.

**********************************************

That would be for Bob to answer, if he wants to...

 

Part of my responses to this issue come from my mistrust of authority- any form of authority, really.

I can take some authority from inside of ACA... because I trust and respect it.... But my life was such a nightmare- because I had to check everything. hmm...

 

 



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He poto, he reka...  short and sweet... the latter is a saying of mum's. 

 

 

 

 



Guru

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Date:

 

 just a random song here...

                                        ...need to take a breath and take a break...

lollies and icecream- milkshakes- used to do it for me when ah were a kid...

this is much better for me...

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaRacIzZSPo



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He poto, he reka...  short and sweet... the latter is a saying of mum's. 

 

 

 

 



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Posts: 724
Date:

Whooeee. Great David, that brings back memories.

I am going to screw it up. Get used to it. I did not have a real chance to bond with anyone. Even in my marriage, he followed me but did not bond with me he was so angry. Even with my mom.
I never had that "us against the world" with anyone, a sibling or anyone. My mom would act like it when she needed me, but it was just an act, I was not to need anything. So I did not have it in return. 
That's what I hated about CoDA, it was a gang. Hard bitten types used to being that way with others like them until it all blew up. That wasn't right, some of us have always been loners and have never had that experience, I don't like people to parade how they are a part but you aren't.. I understood it because gangs form as a rebellion against the "man."
I never had that. Even in my group in school, they looked to me for direction and I couldn't give them any, never having been there.

So screw authority, I'll never trust people. Ever. And they prove themselves to me consistently that they can't be trusted.

I'm glad I got the hell out. I'll never go to ACA, no difference, same characters there.   






-- Edited by Jgirl on Friday 13th of October 2017 10:20:47 PM

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