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Post Info TOPIC: Hypervigilance


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1607
Date:
Hypervigilance


im in constant hyervigilance.My mom wants to move so it's full steam ahead and damn the torpedoes.She doesn't stop.I hate it.I start getting ing caught up in it then burn out.Its either cleaning or watching tv.No In between till she gets sick then gets well and starts all over again.I carry a lot of trauma in my head and chest solar plexus.She starts yelling at my brotherr or dog first thing.Rarely does she talk always screams.It would scare the crap out iPod me as a kid.I don't feel safe here.Shes not safe.I didn't like bringing my kids over cause she lied so much.and Es s so negative.all the shows she watches are law and order till they get so gross she can't watch them.I try Wo watch something and it's I don't like that or itt makes me sick or I want to puke.Very derogatory.same with people.I don't know if she likes anyone outside the family.Theyre all either pigs fat slobs something seriously wrong with them.Ive listened to this type of talk all my life.Every guy is a pig or a hole.Tries to get you on her side against people.If you don't agree she doesn't talk .I hated when her and my father fought.Shed tell him I didn't love him and hated him and wanted him to leave and that wasn't true.She said I always knew she loved me and I've been too afraid to tell her the truth that I didn't feel like she loved me.That half the time I was terrified of her and didn't get the love that I deserved and that all the stuff that happened when I was younger really screwed me up.Somehow I've turned into that little boy she can't live without.I wish she'd just let me go.She told me she couldn't wait till my ex and I broke up then  I would move home again.Where she could control me.Where I could be what she wanted me to be.I hope something comes up soon for a place to live.Ive started to become so enmeshed.I hate living here same friggin thing every morning .shes up four o'clock then here her cards playing solitIre.Go down stairs to listen to her bitch about my brother and tell how she even has ideas about which squirrels are bullies.She was abused so all men are the same and I'm a man so I must be the same.Frig I'd sit listening to o her and my sister who passed bashing men so I must be in that category,I try to talk to the sister that's alive about it and it's this moms so kind and loving.It always comes with a price always.Everybody has their role Chris the helper victim.Moms little husband.I ve resented that for so long.But keep stuffing those feelings because it's mom.momgets whatever mom want to hell with the kids or anyone else.She plays the martyr you apsis the have six kids or an alcoholic husband.Frig I was a little kid yet her life was worse.Where the hell did she think I was.I lived it and saw a hell of a lot more than sthe other kids did.All the yelling and screaming and fighting.Afraid Everytime dad came home from work alys walking on eggshells afraid someone was going to get hurt or leave someone.Id watch them fight and be so afraid.Id freeze just terrified.To this day if there's yelling or screaming I start freezing up and after try to fix things and make everyone feel better.Some kind of weird PTAs.Id go to sleep overs and rush home in the morning to make sure everyone was still there and mom hadn't left dad.Then what would I have done.Supteme separation anxiety.It took along time to go to school because of this.I still must have it to stay at my moms so long.Its her house her dog her car it's all hers yet when I came treat it like irs your home.Bs.Itll never be my home.Only as long as I do what she says.Ill never be allowed to be myself.As a kid I was never allowed to have friends ove ever.Dads drunk or there's too many kids over or.whatever we had to go to our friends to play,they were never allowed over.I barely had my own friends over as an adult always felt so uncomfortable.She has no friends just her kids as support.She uses my brother as an excuse.Im whining but it's my own fault Im in this situation.I have one sister thinking I need to be out and another that aren't you happy mom and you get along so Goid and if you're not there then I'd worry.Says she cares more about her worry than about how staying here is affecting me.Didnt know I felt this way.Moving down here.This was the last place I wanted to move back to.I hated Ireland here.It was where all that trauma I faced at that recovery place was.This was where I faced all that rejection from that church.I had no money to move on my own and not much support.Now I'm down here and a mess.Ive gotta get away somehow.I even phone when I'm out to see if she needs anything.Two very codependent people.Each year is the same thing.Start to take steps to move then get all messed up andcant think straight.Then is this gods will or is that a vicious cycle.Ask friends yet lots have ideas but no one offers support.Its like we love you but you're on your own.At least I can breathe a little easier.Im feeling really scared right now.Its not working living here and trying to find help.I keep falling into the same old patterns.Im afraid if I leave my mom may die.she may now also.She makes all her plans As if we are always going to be together.My wife must have felt this from my mom.Nonoe was good enough for her little boy.She criticized all my girlfriends especially my wife.She criticizes all my brothers girlfriends he had.Im terrified if I move out I won't be able to take care of myself.The anxiety and fear of abandonment is so overwhelming.Ive taken baby steps now it's to wait.When I think of this the little kid wants to run to mom to see if everything's alright.It always is.Why do I get triggered so bad and get sucked back into the n.Was on my own for nineteen years and did just fine although had a wife and at least one kid.Never did it totally alone.Survived before and I'll survive again.can hardly breathe thinking about it.This is such a mess.I want someone to rescue me and say I'm ok.Im terrified of being all alone.Ive felt alone all my life.Ive always felt like I was on the outside looking in on everyone else's life.wanting what they had but never being allowed to partake of it.Never being told it was ok.Never being told I was ok that I mattered that I was more than my moms little boy an extension of her.It was like you're on your own but I'm not going to support you.A constant struggle of making your own way never being allowed to ask for help.I go to counselords and not a single way to go or you're finding help.Just in difference.Why do I even try she doesn't really give a shit.As long as it doesn't affect her.My brother moves all his stuff into the garage that was supposed to be mine I pay rent and now I have about a quarter of that space.or people come over she invites and she wants me to help entertain.I didn't friggin invite them.Now I hear that tv on and it'll be on till eight o'clock.This isn't home.It never was I never felt safe at home.Home wasn't safe.Im a grown man yet she doesn't want me to have guests over.How twisted is that.She wants just the family.Thats how I ended up so messed up in the first place.If my mom wasn't around I'd probably lose all contact with my siblings.we dont have anything in common.I feel very sad right now knowing it'll never be any different with her.that she'll never be the mom I needed.That I have to give up control and just feel those feelings



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Chris


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4194
Date:

Thanks for sharing, Neos.

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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