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Post Info TOPIC: struggling with a new family addition


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 50
Date:
struggling with a new family addition


I just received a phone call an hour ago that my niece has just had a baby.  The call came 5 minutes before a business call (and I actually thought it was the business call coming early)...so I was thrown off and not prepared.  I had detached from my family a couple of years ago and other than a brief talk with my sister 4 months ago...I've not conversed with my Mother, Sister, or other family members including my niece.  While I would like to feel joyous and wanting to be supportive...instead all I can feel dismay about another child coming into an unstable/dysfunctional family.   I myself chose to not have children.  This was partly because I had no desire to be married into a possibly dysfunctional situation like my parents...but also I never felt like a healthy person so didn't want to pass on my own issues to another generation.  

On one hand I'd like to be able to be supportive... but then I am terrified to enter into the door of my family's dysfunction again.  My mother continues to drink, my sister and I don't get along at all and there is so much denial and gaslighting about the whole family as well multitudes of unhealthy patterns of alcoholism, sexual dysfunction etc. etc.  My niece has had problems with stability, is volatile, chooses abusive partners or is abusive herself... and I find the choice to have a child in the circumstances so irresponsible...huge debt, no current partner, rage/bi-polar issues, no self examination.

I'm trying to get at the core of what it is that is really upsetting me...and I'm not clear if it's my guilt about no being able to be supportive or wanting to be near her, or my fear of getting swallowed up in it all again.   I'd also want to be clear of my motive if I did go to visit.  One part of me thinks maybe I can perhaps have some kind of stablizing effect  and be of emotional support...but then another side of me just wants to stay away from it all.  I no longer feel the romantic notion of 'families should stick together' any more... ugg.   It's like they don't exist for me now.  How to get clear? 



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Guru

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Posts: 5951
Date:

Suemct wrote:

How to get clear? 


                                     The answer for me got simple, over time, Sue....

                                     I do just what you are doing here... talking with other adults who have some sort of emotional maturity...

                                     It has been a long journey for me... smile... I shall always get added strength from reading and learning from people like you...

...thanks... aww... smile...



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He poto, he reka...  short and sweet... the latter is a saying of mum's. 

 

 

 

 



Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4194
Date:

Welcome back, Suemct!

Agree with david!  Some things that I have found true for me:

  • Second chances don't work.  I end up reminded of why I cut the person off in the first place.
  • I am grateful for any crumb from my FOO, but I know it doesn't mean a new relationship.
  • I don't have to sort things out right away; sometimes it becomes clear with time.
  • Recovery is year-around!

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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Senior Member

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Posts: 480
Date:

Hey Sue. Thanks for sharing this. I simply love this fragment "One part of me thinks maybe I can perhaps ..." Wish I had a nickle for every time I thought maybe perhaps...about sooooo many things!

Boy I can't get over this. Seems to say it all, maybe, perhaps.

You have described a huge part of my life!

Thanks again.

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Peace and Love Y'all...especially PEACE



Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 50
Date:

Thanks for reading and sharing everyone. I decided I'm going to stay away. I confess I have a lot of self-talk going on that ranges from 'maybe somehow this could be different' to 'you're being selfish' to 'too bad you weren't more 'together' so you could be a healthy mentor' etc. I remember when my sister had my niece and nephew years ago. My sister at the time put so many hopes into motherhood and that somehow having the children would make her life better and give her purpose. I know she loved her children as best she could with the role models she had.. but we didn't have healthy role models. Everything was drama/crisis, poor communication, control/manipulation, denial/gas lighting etc and much of this was passed down to the next generation. While I have many of my own defects and traits... I can see how my sister and I were affected differently by our fathers. While we both had the same biological father - I was 6 years older. My parents split when I was 8 and after living with my aunt/uncle while my parents divorced I then was back with my father for 2 years while my sister was with my mother. My sister was far more influenced by our step-father & mother's dynamic and consequently chose an unhealthy relationship that mirrored that. This had a huge affect on her children about which there's been much denial and gas-lighting. Both my sister and niece are talking like this child is somehow going to be a new beginning and all will be better... so it was like a deja vu of the comments made years ago. I had this overwhelming sadness that nothing will be any different unless they look at what went wrong before or are working some type of program. It is once again this idea that you just plunge ahead with the same actions/thoughts and expect things to be different. Anyway...there are so many unhealthy sub-stories to it that are truly unhealthy. Thanks for listening/reading.

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Veteran Member

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Posts: 50
Date:

I wanted to add as well that sometimes I have difficulty trusting my inner wisdom about the best action to take... particularly when it's about getting clear on accepting what 'is' and then making the choice that it's better to stay away... vs. accepting what 'is' with the idea of hope that things could evolve differently. Struggling with that.

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Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4194
Date:

Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, Suemct!

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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