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Post Info TOPIC: in sickness and health


Member

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in sickness and health


in keeping it simple.  My wife suffers from ACOAS.  Weve been together for 12 yrs.  I would like to say its been awesome the whole time.  i would be lying to myself and you..  However, it was a fairy tales dream for the first half of the years.  We both knew we had found our match for this world....   

I grew up very lucky with none of these issues. my mom worked locally didnt even drink.  my dad was local police, he didnt drink either. and we live in the perfect small community just a few houses down from the Church. Everyone was friends/family  (this has been my biggest flaw/lack of understanding)and my parents stayed together till my mom passed.  (tragic for me)

My wife issues reside with her mother being the problem.  her mother is a very controlling, manipulative person, mean and evil are kinda an understatement. so i get the fact everyone doesnt have a GOOD mother to "take the bullet" so to speak, i had to learn this and in learning,  i started reading most all the self-help books that i thought applied, and was suggested by her to me, for me to read to try to understand better.   

so as the years go by and i read book after book, nothing seems to get better, betterish, but then there is always the "crash and burn" and that is when, whatever situation or problem your working on doesnt go exactly as planned. we recess back an the process start all over usually more aggressive each time.

 

as far as affection, little to no affection or intimacy now, she uses it over me.. i  guess its her form or Control.  ive grown tired and dont really see that anything will change... 

 

i dont see much information on help for husband, whom are trying to find understanding to their wife behavior/actions that are so out of the norm. 

 

she is my heart, her happiness, and health- mentally and physically is important to me... and i will do whatever it take to help..  even when she doesnt help herself...

 any feedback is appreciated 

 

 



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Hi Broken,

Welcome to the forum. 
Boy I relate to your share. I was married for a long time (only one marriage for both of us). My husband quite an ACOA. I don't match you, I come from serious abuse, not just nastiness.
So a good deal of our mixing was probably worse with my issues part of it. And we didn't have many beginning years of bliss because of his drinking before he quit, so it was after he quit that things got better but then our respective problems became obvious. However, when I was doing it and doing it well for us, my husband and his constant reverting made it a similar problem. The 'crash and burn' would sometimes include us clashing when things would get difficult and he undermined and made the whole situation worse. Stress and difficulties in life really set him off. My reactivity became partly anticipating the extra trouble or non engagement (no help) from him.
I do want to say that things never got better for good and he/we stayed stuck in that pattern of reactivity more or less. Part of that was my contribution of my stuff. But not all.
I don't know if that will be the case for you, but it is my opinion therapy, both couples and individual, is in order to have a chance to break some of the patterns. For you because I think, and this is my opinion only so please take it with a grain of salt and please forgive if it is too intrusive, but you have to ask why are you with someone compulsively chaotic ? And who uses affection and intimacy as a weapon or bartering tool? Not too mention escalating aggression.

I am here partly because I feel back to square one after so much it was the straws that broke my back. Except they weren't straws, but my reaction was "back there again" almost starting over. Not so of course but it feels it.
But also because years of the same in my marriage really took its toll on me.
Please be well.
J



-- Edited by Jgirl on Monday 9th of October 2017 03:19:58 PM

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Member

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thanks for your reply J:

"why are you with someone compulsively chaotic ? And who uses affection and intimacy as a weapon or bartering tool?"

1. Love
2. my faith
3. she wasnt always this way. however, its my opinion, the affection and intimacy is used in this manner possibly because she knows it would have
the greatest effect and possibly make me give up and leave. but i dont quite work that way.

this is my 1st marriage, she had been married before. her marriage ended much like this... chaotic divorce. he was a revision of her alcoholic dad. weve always joked i was a rebound. im seeing alot of similar patterns from then, that wasnt associated to me at the time.

just very hard... when your actually putting in the effort to try to make a difference... :/

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Guru

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Welcome to MIP, brokenhusband!

This group is for people recovering from the effects of growing up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family.  One thing we learn in ACA is that we can't recover for someone else.

I agree with Jgirl, perhaps marital counseling would help the two of you.  It's up to her to recognize her issues and decide to change.

One thing you can do is let her know how you feel when she tries to control you.  We learn to say "When you do X, it makes me feel Y".  Speak from the heart using "I" statements.

Hope it works out for you.

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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thanks Mrs_Snoopy for your reply: i hope it works out as well. thanks

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Mrs_Snoopy wrote:

  It's up to her to recognize her issues and decide to change.

One thing you can do is let her know how you feel when she tries to control you.  We learn to say "When you do X, it makes me feel Y".  Speak from the heart using "I" statements.

Hope it works out for you.

In Recovery,

Princess K.


 I agree with this....its up to her..all you can do is take care of you and yea, I would keep the focus on me, "I" statements and just say how certain behaviours of hers impact you  like "Mrs_S says   "when you do this, it makes me feel that" I wouldn't bludgeon her with it, but I definitely would speak how I feel ..and I would work on me, work my program...and hopefully the two of you can get into marriage counseling....OR, she gets into ACA and works out her problems...shes lost one marriage, now she has another chance....Hope she makes it good, but you have zero control over what she does/says/feels, etc....all you can do is tell her how her behavior is impacting you and the relationship....then let it go and say it kind....keep focus on "I" statements so she doesn't get defensive, feel threatened, etc......WOW!! this is awesome, seeing someone on this board who is healthy and WITH an ACA trying to work things out, trying to understand our being so screwed up.......You sound like a very kind soul...She is extremely lucky



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Live and let live



Guru

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Hi broken.

Not ACOA specific but I read this book called 'Toxic in laws' of Susan Forward. There are a lot of stories exposed there and I think you'll find yours.
You need to consolidate your position, then enroll your wife on your side to go fight the ultimate battle with her mother to detach from her and gain your integrity and rebuild your couple. She grew up with dysfunction she can't fight it alone because she doesn't see it that way.

You have been trying for years to understand her. Maybe it's time now for her to understand you and your needs.

I've been in a similar situation with an abusive mother in law (but she was abusive towards me, not hubsy; and he didn't see it as abuse, he thought she was trying trying to help, he'd known her that way all his life) and I was able to set boundaries with a lot of loving support from ACA groups.
It took years but we are now happier than ever, I'm not seeing my mil anymore and we finally cultivate respect toward each other, which I didn't think possible up till years ago.

Now, she might follow you in this or not. Or she might take her time, which can be long or short. Everything is possible ...

Good luck to you friend,

Please take what you like and leave the rest, as they say...

Hugs,

Iléana

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Guru

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broken, if you have done recovery reading I'm sure you are familiar with The ACA Laundry List.  If your wife identifies with a lot of these traits, she is ACA:

http://www.adultchildren.org/lit-Laundry_List

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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Member

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wow, thanks everyone...


ive felt by myself on this subject

but i wont give up on her.

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Guru

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Yeah glad you're here.It hurts when those you love act differently.Hope you find what you need to get thru this.Blessings.

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Chris


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thanks Neos2: im glad i came across this forum as well. . i thank you all. your replies has helped me have some validation to some of my thoughts and feelings. ive known for sometime this is a battle for her to win or survive. however, shes not winning :( we arent winning.

I hope all of you have an awesome day!





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Hi brokenhusband. Thanks for your words and thoughts. I'm pretty much living in your wife's shoes-and my wife in yours. While it's true she has to get to and through her own issues, in my situation, I feel I can't "do this" alone. I need my wife in it, at least to some extent. Perhaps the same is true for you, I couldnt say. You sound like a good and loving guy. Good luck. Glad your here, maybe you could encourage your wife to take a tour!

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Peace and Love Y'all...especially PEACE



Member

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thanks for your kind words Karlo84: i would like to think she does want/need me to help her through this, however shes chosen to keep alot of this issue from me. (not hiding hit from me) we have always been 100% open. She uses therapist and here recently a few of the groups on fb. She feels like she gets some benefit. but thats far from a "fix". She doesnt feel i would be able to understand. thus, why a few years ago she gave me several books to read to try to help me understand her better. is how she put it. thats when i started trying to learn. there is a wealth of info for persons whom are abusive to the other person.. but not much info on someone whom is loving and caring wanting to try to help. so, other than first hand observation and trial and error or crash and burn. its been a roller coaster ride.

im glad to hear that you need the help of your wife. it give me hope for my situation.

Thanks for the help. have a great weekend.

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