LINKS
MIP Home Page

ACoA Group Home Page
Adult Children Meeting/Chat Room
Site Technical Problems or Questions?
Step Work Board - A Step each week!
Online Meeting Schedules
Music to Enjoy while here!
Recovery Book Store
Amazon.Com Recovery Books


Adult Children Anonymous
Message Board

Meetings

Tuesday - 7:00 PM ET

Click to Enter Chat Room Page

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: either you die or you grow


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 814
Date:
either you die or you grow


 Feelings and reflexions about the medical abuse in my last post.

 

 I felt as if I didn't existed. I was just a dead body without a soul in it,

 just like my parents treated me. I was not a being, just an object.

 As a child I did the same thing. So the same suffering surfaced, the pain,

 the abandonment, the loneliness, the sorrow, the depression. The feeling

 of a deep waste. I keep having that about my childhood too, something I

 have been deprived forever and I can't get it back. I mean yes I can comfort

 my inner child but I can't fix what happened. And I whish I could.

 I whish so much I could. Not that it's helpfull to have these thoughts.

 But I do. It's so tempting to tell myself that fixing the past would so much

 provide the solution. Would it. Then I wouldn't learn the things I learned, meet

 the people I met, have the experiences that I had. With a different past I would

 be a different person. A different child. Do I want to be a different child?

 I was a beautifull lovely child, but is it because of the good times or because 

 of the bad times? Both? None?

 Does beauty need pain to emerge? I remember reading in a meditation book that

 diamonds are formed under an immense pressure, without which they cannot be obtained

 (this is why they cannot be obtained artificially)

 I keep wondering about this, if this is really true. Is human inner beauty 

 conditioned to pain?

 Like Eckhart Tolle sayd too, the more people hurt the more they have the opportunity

 of spiritual growth. 

 I am kind of starting to realize what this means. You die or you grow.

 I guess I have no choice do I.

 

 Thank you for reading me,

 

 Love,

 

 Iléana



__________________


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 814
Date:

It had absolutely nothing to do with me. Lots of my suffering comes from carrying the burden of other people violence, and thinking I caused it somehow.
I really didn't. How could have I. This is crazy. I am crazy. Ok, only I was misinformed. By the same sick people.
This is the summom of perversity. Hurting then convincing the person that she deserved it or caused it, or attracted it,
or secretedly wanted it (I am thinking of freudian analysis) or is responsible for it in some other way. The summum of manipulation for sick people. Why have I listened to that all those years.

I am so sorry I did. So sorry ...

Thank you for reading me,
Love,

Iléana

__________________


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4194
Date:

Pain certainly gives us the opportunity to grow, or not.  We can muddle along, or learn from the experience.

I think ACAs are more aware than the average person.

In Recovery,

Princess K.



__________________


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 7
Date:

I hear you when talk about wishing you had a different past, but without your past you wouldn't be the person you are today.

Thank you for sharing.

__________________

Mike from the UK



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 102
Date:

You die or you grow, be whipped if you dont perform the role assigned: Gotta overcome those problems, gotta share the knowledge you gain, gotta grow other peoples souls....
"You have to grow past your problems" - I guess life is a system that has various purposes; yet it seems these will be only half-assed if beings are made to suffer so extremely; imagine the psychopathy we end up with and how this will reflect in how we relate to the universe, the stars, the galaxy; as "life", as an extra layer of the universe on top of planets: Able to perform roles planets are not (do you see how I am being manipulated and thus the knowledge lost in the quite awesome writing? - thats the whip I get exposed to; the things enabling me being destroyed while manipulating me; forcing me to grow anew. I have yet to travel on my own money, yet to meet friends outside the institutions I were designated academically).

__________________


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 38
Date:

Thanks for being here Ileana )))))

__________________


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 716
Date:

Ileana wrote:

It had absolutely nothing to do with me. Lots of my suffering comes from carrying the burden of other people violence, and thinking I caused it somehow.
I really didn't. How could have I. This is crazy. I am crazy. Ok, only I was misinformed. By the same sick people.
This is the summom of perversity. Hurting then convincing the person that she deserved it or caused it, or attracted it,
or secretedly wanted it (I am thinking of freudian analysis) or is responsible for it in some other way. The summum of manipulation for sick people. Why have I listened to that all those years.

I am so sorry I did. So sorry ...

Thank you for reading me,
Love,

Iléana


 ((((((((((((((((((((Ileana)))))))))))))))))) I feel like you and I could be related,  I relate SO MUCH to your posts.....I feel the same way....when he would come into my room, it was  "God's say so"  and it was "my shared project" with him....Oh yea, like I had a fu***ing choice!!!!! but he would use the word "we" when he would force me to do devient fore play with him.....I had to just numb out...and HER!! I begged her to get him off me that one time and she turned on me, said it was ALL my fault that I deserved and CAUSED him to be that way.....oh yea...like I had a FRIGGIN choice.....no wonder i have so much problems loving me, and I too, wish I could erase the past and get a new past where I had HOPE....a CHANCE at a decent life....where my potential could have been realized....where I had a decent chance at a decent future.....he and she took everything from me so here I am trying to go forward and treat me better in the present and HOPEFULLY put good energy in my "tomorrow bank"  but sometimes I feel like saying F*** it because it is too late for me , i'm too old, now to find love, to save up for any retirement, etc.......yea, there are times I just want to say "screw it--I don't have a chance"  but I keep on keeping on....hoping my good out put of good energy will bring me some peace and security in this life............i love reading you....I so relate to you and how you feel.................HUGS of support



__________________

Live and let live



Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 814
Date:

Thank you so much everyone.
Mama, lots of hugs back... I relate to your posts too ... I feel so much rage and anger and it never seems to go away completely, or only to come back later when triggered again ...
This is where I am today ...

Love,

Iléana

__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.

Tweet this page Post to Digg Post to Del.icio.us