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Post Info TOPIC: validation


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 377
Date:
validation


I wish this could be ESH but it is other things that I keep returning to. One of my big issues. I can't seem to break it all the way down to make the most sense, but I am seeing more clearly why I prefer many men to women. I have a hard time with women who seem to expect reams of validation but don't give it in return, it's all about them. If I speak the truth about any difficult emotions/feelings/struggles of mine, they seem to use it against me. They start to define me, next is the cold shoulder. I also never developed in childhood "girlfriend" skills like everyone else. I had no friends past a starting point at school because we moved constantly and I wasn't really allowed out anyway. I had to be in my room every night by 7:30 after dinner and usually times in between when I was home unless I had a job (money the most important thing in life to my parents so they could get off the hook taking care of me and force me to support myself). My parents did not like me having friends OR relationship with my siblings. My role was their dumpee and whatever else i was being "groomed" for. My father highly successful with the emotional maturity of a two year old. I traced back why that was probably so or contributed.  

I was never bullied in school, instead admired because I was a top student despite changing schools so much until I started to sink from my father's attempts to destroy me. Those were the days when grades and brains were admired. All of it was so different for my generation. 

If my father was absent doing his career and therefore wasn't raging and violent then the booms were lowered by my mom. So my unconscious hate is toward women because of what I experienced with my mother, women are covertly controlling and will throw others under the bus faster than s*** to get what they want. And I'm one too (woman), so there is part of my self loathing. I am one too!

I don't trust 'validation' anyway, because as a kid my mother used it to try to control me and made fun of me in the other things she didn't like (she would change opinions and what she 'validated' continually). Even so young I was so frustrated at the injustice of that, taught nothing, shut away than made fun of because I knew nothing. She would call me gullible, but she was very cynical and smug and didn't trust anything or anyone. . Not safe inside, not safe out there. Never, nowhere safe. I'm used to it. 

Funny how people can be so successful and so screwed up.

My MIL another big issue. I ignored her a lot because she hated all the wives of her many 'precious' sons, most all drunks (her sons, not their wives). She wanted them (her sons) as her surrogate partners to replace her latest useless or unsatisfying drunk spouse.

I of course was the brunt of her gossip because of my opinionated no holds barred personality.  

I was the one who told her that her enabling was keeping them failures and drunks, she didn't actually want them well and sober and leaving her, although I did not call it enabling because I did not know that word. After that I was disliked more of course. Several of her sons and grandsons died drunks in the gutter. 

Just some things I am picking apart that are some of my main issues. Water under the bridge, I still loved my mom. And admired my MIL in many ways and told her those. 

My torment by my family in my childhood was never consistent. Once I found one "out" from it or was coping, they would up the ante, wanting to keep me down and out, give up on life. Then not appreciating what I did. My parents self centered, caring little about any one else. I developed my aloofness because of it. Most attempts to reach out just get me slapped anyway. 

Anyway, many men don't even seem to go in these directions I can't cope with (not all, some are very PA like a lot of women or violent like my father), all these I finally wrote about are BIG DAM triggers for me. Life and people just seem one big dam relentless gangbang too often. 

Do not want to only look at the 'other' here, there's plenty of me. But that's where I am at this stage trying to understand my trust problems. (hell I don't even know what my ESH is anyway, with the kind of mainstream intimidation all around these days. As I speak here, I am again receiving sicko threatening phone calls every couple hours)

The scapegoat target it seems never gets over it. My anger is why was there the necessity to destroy and undermine my attempts to have and live my life, my success, first by my parents then my husband. Guess I was looked at as only an extension and since I did not extend and emulate,. . .  well,. . . .

Boy is that easy to identify for me, it is EVERYWHERE.  It was so much damned if I did or didn't. Couldn't win for losing. 

Well sorry about the rambling. Seems like once I started I covered a lot of bases. 

 









-- Edited by Jgirl on Saturday 12th of August 2017 07:35:40 PM

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Senior Member

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Fortunately these days I have only who I want in my life. But not enough for me so need to change that if possible. Some trust can come.

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Guru

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I could relate to so many things Jgirl.
Understanding the sick dynamic helps to detach and not be part of the merry go round anymore.

Hugs,

Iléana

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Guru

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(((((((()))))))))screw it and go fishing.

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Chris


Senior Member

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Posts: 377
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Neos2 wrote:

(((((((()))))))))screw it and go fishing.


  hah hah!!!!!

See that's what I like about men, they cut through the BS really fast. I better find a male therapist so that I am not required to turn myself into a pretzel on a regular basis figuring out my peculiar pathology (above)! I don't think I wanna know anymore.  

Too hard and I'm bored anyway (but still have angst). I just need to find other crazy women like me who no longer give a damn either!

Did have a great conversation with my sister today joking about all the things that come with age (hint: it's a bitch getting old mostly, definitely not for wimps). 

Thanx Ileana too, for tolerating my spouting. I really do think I am too practical or jaded to do this!!!



-- Edited by Jgirl on Saturday 12th of August 2017 03:44:37 PM



-- Edited by Jgirl on Saturday 12th of August 2017 03:48:16 PM

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Guru

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Don't judge yourself too harshly dear inner child...
You are exactly where you need to be. You don't need to do anything,
nor achieve anything, nor fix anything.

You are perfect and lovable exactly where you are today...

Love,
Iléana

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Senior Member

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Posts: 222
Date:

Wow Jgirl...we are fairly close to the opposite end of the spectrum on the male/female dichotomy! I'm trying to remain open minded, I know there is both good and bad with any gender, but damn I detest macho-ism.

Rave on my Sister! Spew it out! All that stuff....get it out!

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Peace and Love Y'all...especially PEACE



Senior Member

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Posts: 377
Date:

Ileana wrote:

Don't judge yourself too harshly dear inner child...
You are exactly where you need to be. You don't need to do anything,
nor achieve anything, nor fix anything.

You are perfect and lovable exactly where you are today...

Love,
Iléana


thanx Ileana



-- Edited by Jgirl on Sunday 13th of August 2017 09:42:36 PM

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Karlo84 wrote:

I detest macho-ism.



What is called caballerismo, pride in being male which is not dominant, coercive, aggressive, authoritarian or exploitative privilege.  It is responsibility, gentleness, confident enough in manhood to be so and to agree and treat women as equals with perhaps more pronounced concerns with child rearing and family that they themselves will promote as well.

That is authentic "machismo." Honor, not exploitation. I think men have lost their way there.    



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Guru

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I love that jgirl.Its tiring to be other things.Im still fighting it at times.

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Chris


Senior Member

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Posts: 377
Date:


---



-- Edited by Jgirl on Sunday 13th of August 2017 05:37:47 PM

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---



-- Edited by Jgirl on Sunday 13th of August 2017 05:14:23 PM



-- Edited by Jgirl on Sunday 13th of August 2017 05:37:15 PM

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I'm probably going to have to delete all this too.
Doesn't matter, it's for ME.

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******"(As I speak here, I am again receiving sicko threatening phone calls every couple hours)"

******* 202 area code which have most foreign scams.  Reported it to the FTC (ftc.gov). Probably won't help but they can put the warning out if it increases all around. 

These were threatening calls. 

 

But I've had scammers I am sure were from one bank I do business with because they had information that only they would know.

Brave new world. 

 



-- Edited by Jgirl on Sunday 13th of August 2017 07:48:53 PM

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Jgirl wrote:

I'm probably going to have to delete all this too.
Doesn't matter, it's for ME.


                                           ...aww... ... ... ...

 



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He poto, he tika...  keeping it simple.

 

 

 

 

 



Senior Member

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Posts: 222
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PUUUULEEEEEASE! DON'T DELETE THIS J!! I just re-read the entire whatchacallit...thread? I needed to...but, let me check myself, it's not about me!!! Whaaaaa :(

I had heard the word caballero (?) but not caballerismo. I LOVE that definition....Thanks for turning me on to it my friend.

I get phone scams on my CELL PHONE A LOT!!!! I thought "THEY" weren't supposed to be able to do that...I mostly don't answer if I dont know the number, but occasionally I am waiting for a call from a location I know I dont know, so I answer....and then...a scam, con or whatever...Makes me sooooo mad!



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Peace and Love Y'all...especially PEACE



Guru

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Posts: 3921
Date:

I am on the state and federal Do Not Call lists.  I probably get fewer calls, but reporting them doesn't seem to make a difference.

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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Mrs_Snoopy wrote:

I am on the state and federal Do Not Call lists.  I probably get fewer calls, but reporting them doesn't seem to make a difference.

In Recovery,

Princess K.


Oh I know, they're pretty useless. The phone calls were threatening in a weird way and i wanted them documented, on file. 



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