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Post Info TOPIC: scattered thoughts--learning how to love myself


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 987
Date:
scattered thoughts--learning how to love myself


I was unsure what to name my thread since.........my emotions and thoughts have been coming up unexpectedly this morning.  I took 3 laps around my block, kids and families are over at our county park for youth football league games (I walked by it 3 times, and my daughter used to play in the league), I thought I wanted to hide, and I'm writing now...........I'm just going to write. 

I got home, sat outside on a lawn chair, and allowed memories and feelings to surface. 

I thought of my daughter, who I've allowed her space, but sitting there I felt something I've shared here and in ACA groups recently. 

The little kid in me was awake, seeing if it was safe.  It is. 

My little kid was remembering I'd really missed my daughter since she had been an emotional peer while I raised her, and like in my own childhood, I looked for a leader.  My brother was the leader then, and........while sitting there, I realized I wanted my daughter to lead my little child again.  That is ALL I  ever knew, so I had put my hopes on her.  No parents/guides were around.  None at all (but I didn't know this then either).  So, I desired that, like a simple wish for emotional safety.  I'd wanted my wife to be my emotional leader, but her public image and her own survival plagued her.  My wife, when around, became increasingly intolerant to playing as my daughter grew.  Schoolwork, housework, and achievements have always been her god.  Fun...........no.  She didn't do fun.  This hurt me, and it surely hurts my daughter.

Focusing back on me.  I wanted to be a kid who felt protected by others, and have sought it my whole lifetime.  The BRB is loaded presently with lots of triggers.  I've opened it at home a dozen times in 2 years.   I am still responsible though to parent myself.  I know this (with my head). 

What is a loving parent?  Is there anything like this in me?

How do I deal with this when emotions make me go this way and that?  Distractions have always seemed more attractive, though I do this continual high/low/high/low.   I think its closer to:

pain, or fear of pain--ignoring my child

temporary relief--in a inadequate solution or addiction

remorse--it never fixes me.

And the cycle continues.......round and round, over and over....

 

I'm asking myself here: how can I do this?  Who IS doing this?



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I can't give you a surefire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time.



Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 987
Date:

I'm like a little kid, crying out to God, admitting my doubt in him, hoping for a rescue.

And I just realized......that my progress relies on me reaching out, me seeking, me asking for his or other's help.

What stuck was I did something. My eyes and imagination have constantly been focused outside myself. COMPLETELY. I've looked for anyone, anyone, anyone, anyone to rescue me. I've waited quietly for years, expecting and hoping for a rescuer, quietly. I daily distracted myself from my pain by subtle addictions, denial, or burying it. I put responsibility on YOU.

This enabled a long held immaturity.......as I didn't see my part.

__________________

I can't give you a surefire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time.



Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1607
Date:

I admire that you don't quit.You eventual keep showing up.

__________________
Chris


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4194
Date:

Thanks for sharing, fhorns.

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 51
Date:

Thank you for the beautiful share. 

I totally get it......thanks.

 



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