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Post Info TOPIC: it's all about love isn't it


Guru

Status: Online
Posts: 950
Date:
it's all about love isn't it


Sister in law is already here in town (to inlaws' house).

Tomorrow we planned a picnic in the forest and visit

a sort of 'insect farm' with the kids. If hubs talks to them

about our plans and they want to come then mil will come with 

them and I will have to stay home because I don't want to see mil. 

Grrrrr! This is going to be a stressfull week for me.

I will spend my time fearing family gatherings or making plans 

about how to avoid family gatherings if I cant prevent them from

happening.  

This is just a judgement. I have the right to do what feels right for me.

It doesn't have to feel right for everyone else. It doesn't have to be

their opinion too. My sister in law thinks that I should 'forgive' my

mil but she doesn't know that I am not resentfull against her today 

anymore. I am simply avoiding a person that is bad for me.

My mind is at peace with it.

Part of me wants to people please because everyone would be

so much happier to see me talksing to mil again and kissing her feet like

I did before so that she can have a scapegoat and a doormat again to her 

narcissistic rages. It would arrange the whole hubs' family. But not me.

Dysfunctional family wants back into the old pattern so that everyone

could take their role again.

They don't want mil running along without a punching ball because if she

can't attack me then she will have to take care of her issues herself and

codependents don't want that to happen do they. They don't want the addict

(narcissistic) to get better. They need to feel usefull by enabling.

Just like they are trying to make themselves usefull by trying to 'make

peace' in the family when actually they don't care about that, only 

about pleasing mil. (if she really wants to see me she knows where I 

am, all she has to do is come apologising and talk to me about it - 

it never occured her to do so; she doesn't need any messengers to take 

responsibility for the harm she did to me).

 

I have always felt admiring for my sister in law because she is a successfull

business woman. She does not seem like a codependent when you meet her, she 

has this superior ignoring attitude you think she is so strong that no one

can ever hurt her. I guess I envyed her but in the good sense, not like 

jalousy, sort of 'I want to be strong like that too'.

But this is just the outside. I bet inside she is a scared little girl

(anorexic too) who just wants to make her mom happy.

I feel sorry for her. I know some things about trying to make a narcissistic 

person happy. You're doomed to fail. Tell me about it.

It will never work. We can never make anyone else happy than ourselves.

 

Please HP of the universe show me the love I've been depriving myself from.

We are all little children crying for love aren't we. When the whole universe

is just love, but we don't to see it.

Nothing is good nor bad is it. It's all about love ... needing it, and not seeing it all around.

But it's here. Love is here all around and it was there all along.

I am loved and cared for. I am the essence of the universe manifesting itself in conscience and we are all the same .... I am love.

 

Thank you for letting me share,

 

Love,

 

Iléana



__________________


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 544
Date:

You're in a tough spot Ileana. It can't be easy. You have to do what feel right for you. That's all you can do. Good luck and take care.

__________________

Peace and Love Y'all...especially PEACE



Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4560
Date:

Thanks for sharing, Ileana.

I just visited my Narcissistic mother after a long time.  I really didn't enjoy it.  She says "I love you", but I'm not sure what her concept of that is.  It certainly isn't giving "just because".

Congratulations for taking care of yourself! 

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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Guru

Status: Online
Posts: 950
Date:

Thank you Karlo and dear Princess K... (or should I say Mother Queen K. ;) ? because you are among the loving moms I have on this board ... )

Hugs,

Iléana

__________________


Guru

Status: Online
Posts: 950
Date:

Well it seems I'm going to write a lot this week.
The extended family around here triggers me with stuff about my own foo.
(just what I wanted to avoid; I can avoid my foo but not the triggers ...)
I realize that my parents had to subscribe to my sister's paranoia about me
because it was so deep written in our family pattern. I was born the foo's
scapegoat and in many circumstances I found myself in that position.
I had to bear physical abuse, and it couldn't be my parents' fault, it had to be mine,
so that they could stay on their narcissistic pedestal.
It just had to be my fault.
Now people from hub's family try to drag me into that scapegoat place.
and it brings all my childhood back.

How could I believe that because I was abused I had dome something wrong.
It's the abuser that is wrong, not the victim.
You were the victim, dear little one. You didn't do anything wrong ...
You are perfect. You are lovable. You are loving.
All the people deserve your love but some of them can't give it back to you.
But the universe gives it back to you a billion times.

As long as I do what is necessary for me to be free of resentments i e
not forcing myself into anything I don't want to do, I will be fine.
We will be fine little one. We will be fine.
I love you.

Hugs,

Iléana

__________________


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 765
Date:

I have the right to do what feels right for me.

It doesn't have to feel right for everyone else. It doesn't have to be

their opinion too. My sister in law thinks that I should 'forgive' my

mil but she doesn't know that I am not resentfull against her today 

anymore. I am simply avoiding a person that is bad for me.

My mind is at peace with it.

*********************************

hey Ileana    HUGS and I support you on this.....it doens't have to feel right for others, but YOU...YOU are your most important person.....and "forgiveness" is NOT necessarily wanting to be around people who are toxic for me....as you say, you just want to avoid someone who is bad for you...I totally agree...I do this....I stay away from folks who do not enhance my well being, recovery, progress, serenity...if they are more a curse then a blessing to be around, WHY allow them around me????  and if your mind is at peace, that is your inner HP telling you "good on you--taking care of you"........I don't go around folks who are not a match for where I am at or who I am...I stay away from them or at the very least, minimize contact with them.....WHO is in my life is optional....its my choice...I exercise it.....HUGS of support



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Live and let live



Guru

Status: Online
Posts: 950
Date:

"forgiveness" is NOT necessarily wanting to be around people who are toxic for me....

---------------------

Wow mama. This is just what I needed to hear today. You made my day.

Hugs...

Iléana

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