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Post Info TOPIC: it's ok to cry little child


Guru

Status: Online
Posts: 950
Date:
it's ok to cry little child


 

Yesterday I replyed to some of the posts here and realized 

I was sweating and shaking afterwards. I was afraid that people

interpret negativley my replies ...

Somehow it triggered my past discussions with my sister, when I was 

trying to support her. It was mostly by waking her up concerning her 

dysfunctional husband.

I wanted to show her how much she was sacrificing herself for him,

and everyone in my foo was at his feets.

He wasn't getting along with my parents' cat so they decided to just eject

the beutifull cat. I took it in my home and we really got along well

although I didn't like that cat in the beginning, but it turned out

he was a little rebel just like me and I become his mom, it/he didn't

let anyone else approach him.

Anyway, just saying, my sister had a very bad reaction, like she was

paranoid about me, and she started to accuse me of being jalous, of 

wanting to destroy her happiness, of judging her life with no right, etc.

and she sayd all that to my parents too which believed her.

It is at that time of my life that I developped spasmophilia, because 

everyone in my foo started to accuse me and reject me.

Through the years I thought spasmophilia was anger, fear, etc. but I guess 

it was a consequence of that abuse (PTSD?)

Everyone of my foo who came by dropped a word about how bad 

I was behaving with my sister and how I should stop that.

I keep feeling guilty for that past time. 

Do I have a bad relationship with my sister and my foo because the situation

was really dysfunctional, is it because I 'dont know to get over it' like

they say, is it me? Is it something I did wrong? Is it something I could change?

Was I really the person they accused me to be? I was so afraid that they were

right about me.

A fear I've been caring since childhood. What if what my foo believes about me 

is the truth? What if I am selfish, worthless, bad, rotten, shamefull, 

despicable, inadequate? 

So to get back at my fear yesterday while I was replying posts, what if it's bad

to write those replies, what if people hate it, what if I am a bad person because 

I write those replies? What if I shouldn't be writing that, is it advice giving,

is it judgement, and who cares about my opinion anyway? Does anyone in this world

care what I think after all?

Something else that bothers me these days.

It's been months since I am sending to my parents videos with my children,

with our pets, etc. Not ONE single word about whether they saw them or not.

I waited and waited. Nothing. Recently my sister told me they didn't saw them,

because they didn't have a youtube account and they were private videos.

(but they couldn't say so?)

Ok, so I sent the videos on another account. Still nothing.

When will I ever learn that they don't care about my life? When will I ever learn

that not me nor my family are mattering to them?

I am trying to detach. It doesn't work.

I want to share with them bits of my life at 3000 km from them, why is it so hard

when they don't show me attention?

I am quite pleased that they don't visit me this year, but now here I am obsessing

about why they don't say anything about my videos, so unfortunatelly even if they 

don't visit me, my obsession still does. 

 

It feels good to let it all out in here.

 

Thank you for letting me share, sorry my posts are a little messy because they just follow my thoughts and feelings ...

 

It's ok to obsess, it's not a crime. It's ok to crave for the attention that I didn't have 

as a child. If I try to cover this up it doesn't work. My inner child needs to cry

for the love she didn't have before she can go out and play happily.

I love you little one. It's ok to cry. I am here.

 

Love,

 

Iléana



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Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4560
Date:

Thanks for your heartfelt share, Ileana.

In Recovery,

Princess K.



__________________


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 544
Date:

I am pretty much in the mind-set that it's OK to say what you feel, especially here. If people don't like it, I apologize in advance. I do me. You do you. It's all about recovery from dysfunctional living. And I'm trying. So are you. Thanks for sharing Ileana

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Peace and Love Y'all...especially PEACE



Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 6221
Date:

 

 Great share, Ileana...

                                I was taught that big boys don't cry... but we do...! smile...



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  short and sweet...  a goal, anyway...

 

 

 

 



Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 66
Date:

Ileana...sister...I feel very moved to tell you I love you. It is wonderful to have the capacity to love people today. Thank you for the beautiful gift of hope that you share with all of us in all of your shares. My happy thoughts are with you and yours. :)

Victoria



-- Edited by BreathingSince72 on Sunday 13th of August 2017 10:54:12 AM

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