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Post Info TOPIC: Guilt and shame


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1607
Date:
Guilt and shame


Have a lot of guilt and Shane rolling around my stomach right now.Cant put my finger on it.Had a good cry last night aroung feeling rejected and abandoned.I really need to not abandon myself.Im not good at sticking up for and protecting my self especially with people like my parents.My exes husband  reminds me of my dad so at functions he's going to be at I decline.I feel guilty at the ways I never protected my children and myself.I could make excuses but I was terrified.All the time my exes husband was being abusive and I never stepped in.I didn't know what to do and was afraid if I would've fought for my kids I wouldn't have been able to take care of them.It was difficult enough taking care of the one daughter.My mom would say you have to take the kids .But she never offered any help just lots of advice.I was ill equipped to even raise my daughter.I was too afraid to ask for help and people find out my ex was allowing her boyfriend to be abusive and then the kids maybe ending up in foster car.It was such a mess.I didn't even fight my ex on money.She demanded a lot and I didn't have the means.She made a lot more than me.I was too afraid again.Ive let fear rule my life.When I finally did stand up.she backed down. My kids are hurting.I have so many regrets around my kids.It feels good to get this out.I cared more about what people thought and how hard it'd be than I did my kids.id ask them if they wanted to come live with me and neither wanted to.Yet I still have these feelings.I just needed to share.I regret all the years I looked after other addicts and not my kids.My father did the same.Would help people down and out and not his own family.I did the same thing but from a Christian perspective.Many times I'd go to church and leave my daughter at home .She was old enough .She didn't want to go.Still sometimes it was a way out of all the chaos going on around me with her and the ex.What a mess it was.I wish there was aca then.I was afraid if I shared about my daughter and how we fought and if she left I'd have no place to live.we were in a coop only for single or low income families.It started out good but Everytime we had a fight and she was going to go to her moms I'd give in because of fear of losing my home.What a toxic relationship.Ive never shared that with anyone.I was ashamed at the way I reacted.I was so codependent to my daughter.Here I am fast forward thirteen years and I don't live ther anymore.All my fears for nothing.There were times I resented my ex for not helping out with my daughter.She never backed me up.My daughter and I get along really well now.Its the other two  That I have problems with.I remember a friend wanting to talk with my daughter about stuff for her counseling practicing.My daughter said ok.I was terrified I'd be found out not to be a good parent.As it was my friend said I was an awesome dad.That my daughter was lucky to have me.All these fears from just trying to be human.Thanks for listening.



__________________
Chris


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4560
Date:

Thanks for sharing, Neos.

In Recovery,

Princess K.



__________________


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 544
Date:

Chris, you sound like a great Dad to me....Keep loving them may be all you can do...I will say this much, I can die satisfied that no-one can say I didnt love my children. What ever I may or may not have done right, mine know in their hearts I always loved them, and always will. Have I made mistakes? You betcha. Have I beaten myself up for some of those mistake? Youbetcha. Do I continue to do so? Youbetcha. Is this one of my many issues I am trying to resolve? Seriously? You have to ask that? :)

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Peace and Love Y'all...especially PEACE

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