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Post Info TOPIC: Out of Control


Veteran Member

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Posts: 27
Date:
Out of Control


I spent the morning with my six year old who chose to scream "help" at the top of her lungs and no one was within ten feet of her. This is not an unusual occurence.  The other night, when she was not getting her way, she screamed at the top of her lungs that her mother was beating her.  For the record, I had not laid a finger on her.  I work very hard to give this child structure but am, by no means, a perfect parent.  I just don't understand where this behavior is coming from.  One day, she actually told me that if I would just give her everything she wants, she would be good. ?!?  For real?!?!?!?

I truy feel beside myself.  I don't want to spank her because I was beaten in childhood.  I am tired of screaming and feel like I should be able to parent with some damn dignity.  She eats well.  She gets plenty of rest and exercise.  I am just  flummoxed.  Frankly, if this is as good as life gets, then I want no part of it.

Thanks for letting me share.



-- Edited by BreathingSince72 on Thursday 10th of August 2017 12:17:22 PM

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Normally, we don't crosstalk about personal issues. Forgive me if I'm off-base.

I'm a guy, but I'm a parent. It sounds like she reads you like a book . Sounds like she (using just an analogy) is "screaming for your attention". She feels SAFE enough to express herself, but she is also screaming for.......you to stop her. And hitting or being physical isn't needed.

No kid wants to "be in charge" of life. She wants to be a kid.

I have a 12 year old daughter, and she often acted out to my ex, a busyness addict. Whenever her mom would give her attention (good or bad, they just need any at all), she would calm down, and even relax. She did not want to have the responsibility of running her own life handed to her at young ages, so she acted out to get mom's attention.

Your daughter may be seeing an emotional distancing, and is trying to know SHE has some control over the outcome of her actions. She's young. And exploring her abilities.

Being more analytical here myself, it you got on your knees (just to be face to face--adults are BIG), and quietly told her the screaming was not needed. I'd ask her "what do you need from me?", and it's a possibility that she'd just lean in for a hug.

Kids are awesome I'd be interested in hearing how she reacts.



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I can't give you a surefire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time.



Newbie

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Thanks for posting.

Your daughter reminds me of my grandson. 2 years ago our daughter and grandson came several thousands of miles to visit us for 30 days. He was 2 at the time. About 80% of the time he was cute. I'm not just saying that because he's MY grandson. Complete strangers would come up to us and comment how cute he is.

Anyway, 20% of the time he was not so cute. These were the times he wasn't getting HIS WAY. He could throw quite a tantrum. He actually reminded me of me. Not when I was two, but more recently. I still have some of that KING BABY in me. I was grateful that my grandson's behavior allowed me to take my inventory.

BTW, one day we were visiting a park and we heard blood cuddling screams. It turned out to be another two year old boy who was being "less than cute". His mother did a very good job of handling it. I am typing this to remind myself to stop acting like a little kid. Thanks.

All the best with your daughter, hopefully she will outgrow this stage real soon.

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I like what fhorns said...sounds do me she is trying to make contact with, establish some structure with you.....a nice chat with her and just saying "hey I hear ya...you don't have to scream, we can TALK about your needs" and if the behavior continues when you know you are giving her structure, boundaries, etc., then a "time out" I used consequences when my daughter acted up....like she HATED to go to bed early on school night, so I just calmly told her..."you can stay up..thats your choice, but you are going to school if I have to drag you out of bed...so its your choice...you go to school frisky and alert, or you go tired....i never ever laid a hand on her because I was brutalized as a child, but I was NOT gonna let my KID run the house..I was the mamalioness, SHE was the cub...cubs need to know whats acceptable, whats not..they need structure, consistency and they need RULES. it makes them secure...toss in a lot of affection and play and you got a healthy kid who knows she will reap what she sows, positive or negative.....Just saying.........oh and WELCOME to the group...great place

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Live and let live



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Being a parent is so hard ...
I also have a screaming 7 y old daughter.
Giving them whant they want is not our role. We are here to give them what they NEED which is different.
Sometimes I loose it and scream back and sometimes I stay present in the moment and ask her if she wants
a massage ,to read a book, cook something with me (things she really loves and NEEDS when she is frustrated)
and it works like a miracle. (but I am not always able to detach nor available to do those things with her ...)
Yesterday she wanted an ice making machine like she saw on a video in youtube, I told her this is a professional
ice cream machine, we can't have that at home and she made a tantrum, I just let her make the tantrum
as she needed to express her frustration and then she forgot about it... (but this is not something that happens often,
usuall she is very stubborn and she might remind me of that machine today :)
Anyway, this is tough.

Good luck to you, this is the hardest job in the world, no matter what we do we judge ourselves negatively about it
because we are so afraid to end up like our parents. Kids feel it and they 'eat us up'.
Trying to be the perfect mother 'killed' my parenthood. I can't learn anything if I don't make mistakes.
The big step for me was learning to apologise to my children. For years i resisted to that, and when I started
apologising, for yelling, etc. it really made a difference in our relationship. I also learned not to apologise when I can't bring them the moon because there is nothing to apologise about. Sometimes I don't have to justify myself for my decisions nor spend the day explaining why they can't have dosens of candys everyday, why they have to shower, why they have to
whash their hands before eating, negotiating whether I buy them video games, etc... I am legally responsible for them and this gives me the right to make decisions in their interest. I don't always have to report to them about why it is so and I am not responsible for their feelings of frustration, I didn't cause them. But I am allowing them to express those feelings, as long as it isn't harming me physically nor verbally with insults. (otherwise I would enter the spiral of the child abusing the parent, in which I found myself for a very long time)

Trying to avoid being the abuser I didn't know better than becoming the abused.

Anyway, sorry I wasn't planning to be that long, not sure it was usefull either ... my intentions were good though :) not sure what it gave

Big supportive hugs,

Iléana



-- Edited by Ileana on Friday 11th of August 2017 03:26:43 AM

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Senior Member

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Sorry '72...I meant to reply to this yesterday but got sidetracked....It is perhaps a cliche, but being a parent IS the world's toughest job....and not much else will cause you to beat yourself up as violently....You do the best you can, love them with all your heart, and seek help if you need it...

I've written this here often; the worst vice is advice. With that said, (Here it comes!!) my wife and I have 70+ years of teaching between us and have raised two children. And we have plenty of both good and bad. There are resources out there. They don't all have to be expensive. I am not saying ANY of them are foolproof or a magic pill, just a place to start. Some schools have great counselors who can help or direct you to someone who can. Most school systems have at least one school psychologist who could help, or direct you to someone who can. I would consider these options.

I know this much, .....erase, erase, erase.... :)

Love....Every issue should start with that.

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Peace and Love Y'all...especially PEACE



Veteran Member

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Posts: 27
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I don't know what the cross-talk policy is here but when I post something that is troubling to me at this extreme a level, I am actually begging for some F&%#@ng help or guidance.  Cross talk away!  I need the help.  I am, so very grateful for the wonderful replies I have received from everyone.  She does read me.  I do like to get on her level and speak to her.  I do that with all children.  I've also never baby talked her because i believe she is more intelligent than that.  She is a beautiful child who can be hell on wheels. I tried to make a night;y habit of hug ,e when I get home from work (single parent).  I always tell her I love her.  I just think I need to figure what to do about the discipline.  Recently I took my iPad from her.  Last time I looked, electronics are not a requirement for living.  She threw a fit.  I told her calmly, "You have forgotten that I am the boss.  You have forgotten what it means to speak to me and your big sisters with respect and until the day comes when you remember these things, you will never touch this iPad.  It is not your iPad.  It is mine.  I am not required to share it with you by any stretch of the imagination. I love you.  That's it"  She was iPad free for two weeks.  Her dad even asked me to send it while she visited him and I said shes on restriction.

The real problem is me.  I need to learn to be consistent all the time.  This stuff is hard man, real hard.



-- Edited by BreathingSince72 on Sunday 13th of August 2017 10:04:25 AM



-- Edited by BreathingSince72 on Sunday 13th of August 2017 10:17:01 AM

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Guru

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We don't have strict cross-talk rules here like meetings.  Some people are still reluctant to comment on others' shares.  If you'd like feedback, you could request it from the members. 

Not being a parent, I really don't have any ES&H on this.

In Recovery,

Princess K.

 



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Veteran Member

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Posts: 27
Date:

Thanks again to everyone! Your replies meant so much to me. The value of support cannot be measured in words or wealth. Thank you so much.

Victoria

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