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Post Info TOPIC: Failed relationships as an adult


Newbie

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Posts: 2
Date:
Failed relationships as an adult


A brief history so you may have some background on me, I grew up with two alcoholic parents. My father was also physically abusive to my mom and sometimes to me and my sisters. My mom eventually left my dad when I was about 11,but she continued to be an alcoholic. My sisters avoided the situation and were constantly out of the home. Meanwhile, I was the she's of us and stayed home all of the time. I needed up taking care of my mom all of the time when she would be extremely intoxicated from 11 to about 22 when I finally moved out. I became very angry at my mom for not giving up drinking and for hurting me because of it. Fast forward to now. I am 33 years old. I have grown and healed somewhat but my mom is still an alcoholic. I no longer speak to my dad. I haven't for over 10 years. My relationships now are often inciting feelings of my insecurity of not being loved or being rejected or left. I often blame myself for failed relationships. I try my hardest to grow and be better, but I never seem to be a good enough person to keep people. I'm struggling to get past this. I want to see a therapist to go through my trauma but I don't have enough money right now. Can anyone give advice? Book recommendations? Life experience?

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Guru

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Posts: 785
Date:

Welcome, BlueNightSky!
Not advice but a different take maybe (?). First, fear of abandonment is indicative of ACA's because we WERE abandoned, that is what we know and expect. And you are still being abandoned by your parents. That is pure pain. You say you seem to never be good enough to 'keep' people around in your life. Maybe it is the other way around. You are choosing those who are, if not necessarily not 'good enough' for YOU, but not RIGHT for you because they do not appreciate you, your efforts and do not stick around. Probably has little to do with you. Time to find different attractions.
Books I'll think about. Rent the movie Life of Pi for inspiration is my suggestion. IMO, a GREAT movie (and book). Explore yourself AND outside of yourself too. You're still a kid at your young age! ENJOY it! Please don't waste it. Improvement comes with living and exploring. 

And I should add, there are a half a dozen or more failed relationships to the one or two that is worthy for everybody, don't be discouraged. As long as you know the buck stops with you and what YOU want, not just anyone who will put up with you, God no, you will be willing to try different things until you find what works. 

You don't have to be perfect, people will like you far better if you are not (like them). 






-- Edited by Jgirl on Wednesday 9th of August 2017 10:00:01 PM



-- Edited by Jgirl on Wednesday 9th of August 2017 10:21:38 PM

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Newbie

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Posts: 2
Date:

Thank you for the reply! I guess I never thought to think that I was choosing the wrong people. They always seem to love me so much in the beginning, but as they get to know me better, and they see my flaws, they cannot love all of me. They break up and makeup with me often and I always take them back. Eventually, when they're completely over me (each breakup, feeling less and less for me) they leave for good, and I often times feel used up and kicking myself for accepting them so many times. I know it has to do with not wanting to feel left because it makes me feel really down about myself. Like I'm not wanted. I will definitely check that movie out. I have heard of it before but never watched it. Thank you!

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Guru

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Welcome to MIP, BlueNightSky!

I found out about ACA when I was your age.  The good news is that you have plenty of time to figure out why you are the way you are, and recover!

I also had a series of bad relationships with alcoholics and dry drunks.  I had radar that could pick an alkie out of a crowded room!  Something about them attracted me, like rat poison.    They were sweet as pie at first, then the controlling and abuse started once I was 'hooked".

One of my favorite books is John Bradshaw's Healing The Shame That Binds Us.  I also like daily readers such as ACA's Strengthening My Recovery and Rokelle Lerner's Daily Affirmations.

I didn't speak to my alcoholic (deceased) dad for over 25 years.  I keep my Narcissistic mother at postal length.

When I was single I was very needy and lonely.  I accepted any crumb of affection and put up with a lot of verbal, emotional, and financial abuse to hold on to losers.  When I gave up looking I met a "diamond in the rough", who is my husband.

I have never found second chances to work out. 

Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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Guru

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Posts: 544
Date:

Hey Blue...Welcome my friend....all I can tell you is that I believe ACA is helping me....I WISH I had stuck with it when I was you age. Perhaps my life wouldnt have been quite so rocky. If ANDS and Buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a Merry Christmas!

I'm here now and there are some nice people who get it. I hope it works for you.

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Peace and Love Y'all...especially PEACE



Newbie

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Posts: 3
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Welcome BNS. I would suggest ACA meetings. I've been attending over 5 years now and it's made a huge difference. On Thursday nights a few of us meet to discuss the 12 steps, using the yellow ACA workbook. This is our third time through. We are on step 2 tonight. If you aren't fortunate enough to have face-to-face meetings in your area, then I would recommend telephone meetings. They are good if you are shy too, no one even needs to know you are listening. Here's a link...

www.adultchildren.org/member-PhoneMeeting

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Guru

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Posts: 765
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My mother was a raging alkie and the sire was a child offender, any child would do, even daughter (me) and cousins and  was also physically abusive..beating us with boards, whips, belts, when he isn't in my room, making me "get him off"...oh yea, lovely glad your mom left yours, because my selfish dam stayed...she wanted her fur coats and trips to EU so screw us kids...we just had to cope....and yea, your mom, like mine chose the bottle over her own kids...thats what alcoholics are and where they are at.......and I see your post title says "failed relationships as an adult"  I don't see you as the failure here.....and if people after this home life misery dumped you, maybe THEY weren't right for you, hey???? I blamed ME all the time for a bad relationship...I kept going to the "fixeruppers"  the users and the takers and abusers and I was abused and treated like crap because that is all I knew...recoery got me out of that misery cycle....Now, I don't attract the users, abusers, takers, etc., because they KNOW it won't fly with me.....I am outta there, the first red flag I see......i don't see anything wrong with you...i see a whole lot wrong with what HAPPENED to you...please keep coming back...this program works if ya work it...............Just saying....

 

PS:  Melodie Beatties 12 steps for codependents, then after you totally chew that book up, working it , journalling on it, get "codependent no more " by beattie....she is great....i got on line and surfed the web and found some great worksheets on the steps....the steps are the hall mark of the program , also the slogans....work it all and it will pay you dividends...



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Live and let live



Guru

Status: Online
Posts: 950
Date:

Hi BlueNightSky and welcome home!
I thought I needed a therapist for a long time too but didn't have the money either,
then I discovered 12 steps online groups and now with ACA and this board I KNOW
I don't need therapy as long as I stay here.
I can share here about anything, and I am still loved and accepted as I am.
I worked 4th step here.
The board was here whenever a needed it, at any time of day or night.
I have friends in therapy who didn't made as much progress as I did here, because in therapy
they don't always have the spiritual part, which in my opinion is the only way we can become
self reliant, by beliving in a greater power that rules the universe and causes the right
things to happen and to whom we can turn to, otherwise we just become dependent
on the therapist and put fortunes into therapy (I know people who do ...) because we believe only the therapist has the answers and can love us as we are. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but I wouldn't be comfortable
to paying someone to feel loved, it just feel somehow like a fraud now that I think of it...
I can be loved without paying someone for it :) by normal people, who relate to me because they've been through similar stuff... here I can feel loved.
Hope this is usefull, if not please take what you like and leave the rest.

Love and support,

Iléana






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Guru

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Posts: 785
Date:

Ileana wrote:


The board was here whenever a needed it, at any time of day or night.
I have friends in therapy who didn't made as much progress as I did here, because in therapy
they don't always have the spiritual part, which in my opinion is the only way we can become
self reliant, by beliving in a greater power that rules the universe and causes the right
things to happen and to whom we can turn to, otherwise we just become dependent
on the therapist and put fortunes into therapy (I know people who do ...) because we believe only the therapist has the answers and can love us as we are. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but I wouldn't be comfortable
to paying someone to feel loved, it just feel somehow like a fraud now that I think of it...
I can be loved without paying someone for it :) by normal people, who relate to me because they've been through similar stuff... here I can feel loved.
Hope this is usefull, if not please take what you like and leave the rest.

Love and support,

Iléana





That's a good share, Ileana. Gives me pause to ponder. A group might be better than a lone therapist in some respects. Group therapy might be the best. 

Although my sister wants me to seek therapy precisely because I would be paying so he/she would be obligated to listen, ha ha!

So these groups are hopefully a support group, but  for me, I don't  think a real substitute for therapy. 

Just my opinion though. Who knows what is best for each person but them!

I'm glad you are here, I was worried about not seeing you here now and again. 



-- Edited by Jgirl on Friday 11th of August 2017 10:05:13 PM

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Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 544
Date:

Well Kids....I have the most wonderful therapist....finally....I passed thru some duds....OR, perhaps it was me....Regardless, I'm here now...and putting the two together (therapy and ACA) with some other activities is helping me....that's all I know....

Good luck to all

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Peace and Love Y'all...especially PEACE



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 290
Date:

BlueNightSky wrote:

My relationships now are often inciting feelings of my insecurity of not being loved or being rejected or left. I often blame myself for failed relationships. I try my hardest to grow and be better, but I never seem to be a good enough person to keep people. I'm struggling to get past this. I want to see a therapist to go through my trauma but I don't have enough money right now.


 Wow, you just explained some of my current feelings/struggles to a T.  A few years ago, I had a college professor tell me it was ok that my friend groups seem to change every few years.  The constant change sucks, but I imagine working with my HP to be who I am supposed to be and having this constant change is less painful than keeping people around but having to be fake all the time.  Thanks for sharing and welcome to the board!



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