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Post Info TOPIC: A walk moved me......lots of moving inside


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 986
Date:
A walk moved me......lots of moving inside


I went for a long walk tonight right after a webinar, checking my heart, as a financial speaker spoke of having a spiritual mission.  This was an emotional shock, as this same guy cried, and spoke of tears which had come recently, for he's not teaching to make money now.  He's trying to help others.  He's feeling the pain of ignoring this in himself too.  I have never seen him be so in touch with real life, and I took his example, checking my own truth.  I prayed quite a bit over it, as I have been..........almost selling my soul for money.  That was my motivation for my walk, to be honest with myself.

And I began thinking of my daughter during my walk.  Today, while doing my EMDR, I realized a sad truth.  I wish I could make sense of this, but I can't box it up pretty at all.  Both in the past, and in the present day, I've held to my daughter since I've felt young and small (she was too at one time), and out of emotional survival, I.........was willing to stand behind my daughter "so she could fight for ME!!"  I'd raised her....ewwww....so she could take care of me......  I've been crying over that tonight.  I used her.  I have always felt, and feel, safer with children.  But.......I wasn't always an adult with her (in my eyes).

I've had anger rise up, like from a young child inside me, since she will be leaving the state by the end of the month, and I'm holding hurt since, in my view, she abandons me.  I text her once or 2ce a day, I've not received a reply in weeks, and my heart hurts.  I went over last night to see her before my ACA meeting, and I witnessed--maybe--why she's so distant.  This may be true, maybe not.

I walked in once my ex had heard my knock and called me in.  My ex had the TV on, but she was hiding on her tablet.  She never looked up.  My daughter was laying on the couch next to her, similarly watching her own show on her own phone.  It felt empty of love and warmth.  Noone was home.  I even sat next to my daughter, and she threw a "what do you want?!" at me (she was obviously hurting).  I played ignorant of her hurtful remark, attempting to win her attention.  I began taking it personally, so I felt unwanted, I tried to play with her, and 5-10 minutes later (I tried to view this from an onlooker's point of view), I simply said "well, you're busy.  I'm leaving."  I got up, and as soon as I did I felt an emotional sting inside myself.  I took a few steps but......I knew I was doing payback, so I turned around, quickly sat down next to her, and said "well, I don't need to leave yet".  I stayed another 10 minutes, seeking things to talk about, and I picked up (sensed) a hurt in her.  Her mom was sitting next to her, and......she was not home.  I picked up she was being abandoned by her own mother at that moment.  I know she's felt abandoned emotionally with the move out of state.  I saw my daughter 2 days ago while she was home alone, and during our talk, I asked quickly "would you stay if you could?"  She nodded her head, though she was hesitant.  I am living in a single room, but I know she'd be over more were I in my own house with room for her.  She has no personal space in my current place. 

My daughter was abandoned emotionally dozens of times when I still lived there 5 years ago.  I remember when my daughter would feel great sadness by her mother making quick, emotionless decisions, but she would hold onto it since she knew......her mom wouldn't care for her emotions.

My daughter was taught how to abandon people, and herself, by both me and her mother.  Now, the only thing I can do is model availability, willingness, honesty, love, and forgiveness for being human.  I need that myself. 

I'm just all emotional now.  I watched this video below, not since I still miss my ex.  I just really miss being in a family, and I miss giving back to others and seeing the results.  This song touched me.

 



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I can't give you a surefire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time.



Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 799
Date:

Thank you for your honesty, this was a beautifull share fhorns ...
I could relate to not always behaving like an adult with my children, especially to my oldest son ...

Love,

Iléana

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Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4182
Date:

Thanks for your open and honest share, fhorns.

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 480
Date:

Morning. I read this once and just couldn't think what to say. It sort of stunned me. I can't imagine separation from a child. I am sooo lucky in that respect. As I've said before here, divorce is tough. Of course, I wish you the best. For me, the best I can hope for is to keep working on myself. If I can keep working to forgive myself, love myself and accept love, all my relationships will improve. My therapist, whom I adore, has an admittedly "cutesy" saying which is very familiar yet true for me, "you have to name it to tame it." I feel you're naming it with every share Fhorns2000.

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Peace and Love Y'all...especially PEACE

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