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Post Info TOPIC: Hatred


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1510
Date:
Hatred


I have so much hatred I haven't been willing to admit to.Wow.Its like concrete in my stomach.I hate being alone.I hate not having a relationship with my son.I hate having to be on meds to sleep.I hate not having money to do things like get proper therapy.I hate not being able to work like I used to.Frig there's a lot.I hate having to live at my moms.Its only for awhile till the other place comes thru.I hate watching all these families that are all lovey and compassionate with each other and mines a wreck.Son smokes pot everyday.Want to help him but he won't take it.Hate never seeing grandkids.I am so angry.My psychiatrist kicks me to the curb then cuts off meds except one.Have a lot of anxiety but doesn't want to give anything.I try all the other stuff and nothing yet.Its like they think I'm lying.Theyre not going thru it.My kids distance themselves.Like I'm always walking on eggshells with everyone.I am sosick of it.I feel like pulling my pension out paying off my bills buying a truck and disappearing.Not the wisest move because disability would be cut off.Im tired of struggling for money.Before I was in recovery I never worried about money made lots.Was lead out of ironwork because of joint problem,tough job.To minimal paying crap jobs.I deserve to make a decent wage.Tired of feeling guilty about almost everything.I don't deserve to be treated less than by my friends and kids.Friends that are fair weather.Unless I'm so wrapped up in God they don't contact me.Or if they're really down and out.I can feel my body again.This will come up and I stuff it down being the nice little good Christian.Well no more .Im not getting sick for no one.Stuffed anger for years so my sister and mom wouldn't kick me out.Everyone else is allowed to get angry why not me.I hate my exes boyfriend.Do I wish him I'll will yup.Wish he wasn't in my kids lives.This may not sound loving but he dealt drugs with my kids around that I found out after the fact but couldn't prove.Burnt my daughters legs which she denies and my ex stands by and does nothing.I open my mouth no one says boo.,and I'm the bad guy.His own son beat him up.Just forgive well it's a process not a one time deal.Soory but I'd like ten minutes with him alone but Then I'd be in jail.Im just venting.Ive been invited back to martial arts at the same rank as when I left so I think I'm going to have an outlet for this rage.Ive felt so fearful all my life no more.Martial arts used to give me the courage I needed to face people.Never using it but just knowing I could.Thanks for listening hope no one was triggered.



__________________
Chris


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 3921
Date:

Thanks for sharing, Neos.  Keep letting it out!

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 222
Date:

I hate the word hate! :) Sometimes I wish I could hate...I think...maybe? But then I'd be more like the folks I think deserve hatred. So my anger turns to sadness maybe? I've been suffering from depression my entire life. Finally found a decent medication which helps, but there is no crue apparently, no magic pill. Venting is good. Venting is very good.

I was reminded recently, as a friend was quickly being corrupted in the body from pancreatic cancer, of the Dylan Thomas poem
"Do Not Go Gently Into That Good Night." It reminds me not only of death, but life and why I came to ACA.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

__________________

Peace and Love Y'all...especially PEACE



Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 3921
Date:

I have also been trying to overcome hatred.  I used to make an obscene gesture every time I passed the job that fired me in 2011 and the one that discriminated against me when I retired this year.  I have stopped doing that.  I still won't set foot in either one....

Sadly, last week I attended the funeral of one of my long-time friends who succumbed to pancreatic cancer, a very ugly disease.

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 377
Date:

Karlo84 wrote:




"Do Not Go Gently Into That Good Night." It reminds me not only of death, but life and why I came to ACA.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.


Anyone who quotes Dylan Thomas's poem has captured my heart and mind!

Thank you Karlo, for your vision, wit and heart, your well read references make it hopeful and expansive here. Sorry about your friend and their daunting journey, as well as your depression that I have badly too. 

Not only am I gaining weight on my meds which has become unacceptable, my hair is thinning, which is definitely unacceptable. 

There are things I am glad to hate. I hate cruelty and mean spiritedness, and I hate those capable of it. I hate myself if I do such too in anger and am glad I disgust myself if I stoop that low.

I don't sweat it unless the hate starts to work a number on me internally. 

Generally better for me to let it go, but I cannot and do not let deliberate cruelty off the hook. 






-- Edited by Jgirl on Wednesday 9th of August 2017 07:36:16 PM

__________________


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 222
Date:

Yeah, seriously, who am I kiddin'. I "hate" plenty I suppose. It's just hard for me to hold a grudge. Hard, but not impossible. I went back and re-read my comment above and thought, "Well Gomez, that is some self-righteous, sanctimonious BS right there. You A##$(%E!!!"
\
The truth is, I hate. And I hate the word. I prefer despise. Makes me feel more kind. Is more in keeping with my SIGNATURE! :)

I "aspire NOT to hate" would be much more accurate.

I also need to be much more circumspect prior to hitting the submit button :)



-- Edited by Karlo84 on Thursday 10th of August 2017 06:32:20 AM

__________________

Peace and Love Y'all...especially PEACE



Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1510
Date:

Thanks Karlo like that

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Chris
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