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Post Info TOPIC: Sharing


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Posts: 1607

Had another melt down.Was so angry my sister isn't here.So many questions.Why she had to die.Why she had to get two siseases as if one wasn't enough all the scenarios that will never be.No more Xmas together,this is so hard right now.Thinking she'll never be a grandma this was her biggest desire.I can't cry in front of friends or family so it's here and by myself.I want to share with others but it seems to get stuck.I thought I was not living before now it feels like crap.I sound like a broken record.One grief after another.I want someone to take all this pain away but it ain't gonna happen.Tried to sleep without out meds and had horrible weird dreams.Till I get more stable ain't going to happen.Right now I can handle being around family which isn't usually the case.I guess I've stopped judging or expecting things realizing they hurt as much as me.Just wish we all grieve the same way.It makes it lonely.Finding out I feel things deeply and need to fully process these things.Noct better or worse just sensitive.I hate saying that it makes me feel like a victim.My illusion of a sensitive person that can't take care of the self and going to cave in at the slightest provocat.I need to just accept myself .That that's who I am.I eat my sensitivity away.My sister was very sensitive also.Mine is mainly stimuli and others stuff.Hope sharing will help knowing what mine and what's not.Decided Noct to phone my kids for awhile.They never answer or get back to me.Ive been hanging onto this family thing for too long.It may never happen with them.They don't seem to want more of a relationship.It seems I don't know a lot of healthy people.Asked my friend about aa and she said only if you're trying to get sober.She said a bunch of drunks helping drunks.She gets in the same dilemma except she has a few friends who are really healthy.I know the same people but we never seem to go very far in our relationships.Maybe it's not his will.I m wanting a mom so bad right now.Thers a part of me that tries to shut that needy part down.The sensitive part.I was always criticized if I cried .Looked at stuff on innerchild healing and this therapist did some of his own at a week long retreated.He was second oldest of seven so never had the nurture he needed and said he was angry and sad and grieved everyday.He said only we can nurture that child as an infant.Ive been looking for this.He had relationship addiction being needy then women leaving bringing up his abandonment.The little child looking for that nurture.Was hurting today and phoned a friend she wasn't home and realized it was the little child looking for moms nurture.Only I can give the child the nurture he so desperately needed.This guy does skype work but 175 for fifty minutes.Uggh.Must be why when I phone someone and share there's no relief looking for them to take my pain.Was talking to my daughter and started to get emotional her talking about her mom and my exes husband.It keeps triggering some sadness around her and family things.All these years and the little boy starting to realize they'll never be a family.I miss my ex at times.I miss a lot of people .To be honest I don't care right now.If I just work this program or go to this curch or counselor then I won't have been abused and my kids won't be hurt and suffered divorce and mine and my exes husbands abuse.My sister would be alive.So many feelings and thoughts going on.I am so friggin angry at almost everything.



Status: Online
Posts: 5098


Thanks for sharing.

In Recovery,

Princess K.



Status: Offline
Posts: 1091



Status: Offline
Posts: 544

Chris, Chris, Chris. Hang in there Buddyroe (Down South everyone is respected as a Buddyroe-please don't take it personally if it conjures any negativity.). Keep working, finding you. Keep sharing here and elsewhere. Most importantly, if it ever seems I'm giving you advice, kick me hard! I'm just sort of feeling your pain and wishing it away, mine to!

Personally, working thru ACA, therapy and open communication with others (Whom I can trust!) is helping me to right-thinking and right-acting. This I know.


Peace and Love Y'all...especially PEACE

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