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Post Info TOPIC: beating myself


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 657
Date:
beating myself


Feeling guilty because I didn't let my parents visit this year, for the first time.

(too triggering in so many ways ...)

I had to lie, but when I sayd it first it wasn't a lie. Then we changed plans for

our vacation but 'I forgot' to tell my parents. And it became a lie.

Feeling guilty and self beating because I don't want to be close to my aging parents

now that they are becoming dependent. My father seems to become senile. He is loosing 

his head, perhaps realizing but doesn't want to admit it nor seek help instead he is

following my mother like a puppy all around. I am afraid he'd do something dangerous at my house,

like forget the water running and leave home, or the gas cooker (both already happened).

I don't want my parents here. I am raising 4 children without their help, I can't care for 

them too. They were not there for me when I needed them as a child.

They were not there when I needed them as a young mother of 4.

And now I have to be there for them but I can't!

Hating myself.

 

Is it wrong to feel that way? I'm not sure what are my duties toward my parents ...

I'm not sure of anything anymore.

 

Thank you for letting me share ...

 

Love,

 

Ileana



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Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 657
Date:

 

On top of everything I am beating myself for feeling so bad ... it seems I didn't get anything right is it.

I should not feel so bad, I spent 4 years in recovery bla bla bla. I should be able to set boundaries,

affirm myself bla bla bla. I should not be down because I am saying no to my parents bla bla bla.

After all they were not nice to me why should I bla bla bla.

I just want to be alone at this time in my life and focus on myself!! 

Is that so bad? 

I'm sorry dear little one... I have so much neglected you. I just want to be with you and

take care of you and spend time with you and respond to your needs. I love you inner little one...

 

Love, 

 

Iléana



-- Edited by Ileana on Tuesday 8th of August 2017 03:04:55 AM

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Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 3921
Date:

I just got back from visiting my Narcissistic 87-year old mother for the first time in 10 years.  I was reminded of how much I really don't like her.

I felt compelled to make the 2,000-mile round trip because I am now retired and don't really have any excuse.  I'm glad we did, but I won't be going back any time soon.

My mother is totally wrapped up in herself, and oblivious to the wants and needs of others.  She has a 97-year old boyfriend with one leg, but it doesn't occur to her to even hold a door for him.  I talked to her about consideration for others, but I don't know if it made any impression.  It's up to her to change, which probably won't happen.

I was hoping to learn more about my childhood, but unfortunately she is losing her short and long term memory.  Was she a great mother?  NO.  I wouldn't be here if I wasn't F-ed up from being raised as a perfect little adult.

She said she wanted our vacation to be enjoyable, but she didn't want to go anywhere or do anything except be wined and dined.  Did she ever say "thank you"?  I didn't hear it.

Do I feel guilty about not going back?

NO.

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 222
Date:

My parents are both dead so its hard for me to directly relate. But I do feel You have to do what's best for YOU>

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Peace and Love Y'all...especially PEACE



Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 27
Date:

My stepfather was an alcoholic and a child molester (Thanks dad!). When I would mention my dad, my stepfather would scream with bloodshot eye and venom, "I'm your daddy!!!" My mother was an alcoholic though I never saw her drink. She seemed to be gone working all the time. On one occassion, my stepfather caught me sucking my thumb, picked me up, threw me across the room and began spanking me from one end of my body to the other. I cried out, "I'm sorry daddy! I love you daddy" in the hopes that it would stop. He was not a small man. I was a very small child.

My actual father was also an alcoholic, a Vietnam Vet and the sort of alcoholic whose moods swung like a pendulum. One moment there were tears and shouts about the horrors of Vietnam. The next horseplay and jokes about whatever comical notion struck his mind at the time. Neither he nor my mother were emtionally available to me and I sought this out in future partners. Neither of my parents drink now and my step father died of cancer while I was in my teens.

Point is this, if you want to see you parents, go see your parents. But do it for you. Do it for closure. And if they still can't be present for you and show you a shred of parental decency, f them. You owe them nothing.

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If you can see it, you can be it!


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 657
Date:

Thank you guys ...

Lots of love,

Iléana

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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 222
Date:

Self-flagellation....Love that term....did it all my life, emotionally.....hasnt helped a thing so Im trying something new!

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Peace and Love Y'all...especially PEACE



Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 48
Date:

I have not visited my mother since 2001.  I understand the pain everyone has written about.  



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