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Post Info TOPIC: Thoughts


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1607
Date:
Thoughts


Its Father's Day and I'm feeling lots of feelings and having lots of thoughts.Letting go of lots of feelings surrounded with being a dad.Grieving all the stuff I never got to o because of the divorce.Angry my kids have a stepdad.Missing my family horroibly right now.Feeling very powerless over it all.Wanting to believe the promise of all relationships getting better.Having all these things I want to do with my son yet never seeing him.Blaming myself or my ex and her husband or God.Dont feel as lonely as I used to or terror.Run to other things still.I see my son and see a hurting little boy trying to prove himself.I can't change the past.I grieve the relationship we don't have anymore.Hes a grown man but to me he's my little boy.I know he's grown and has his own life and I don't rescue him but the feelings are still there.I failed him in a lot of ways.Some because I didn't know better and some from fear.Instead of fighting my ex for custody which she would have given me.I was too afraid I wouldn't have been able to take care of all three.As it worked out only the youngest came to live with me.I was so ill equipped to be the father I wanted to be.Im ashamed at where I am at in life.Not able to work for all day.Years of working hard avoiding feelings..That part of me having died.Struggling with letting it go.Not owning a house or having a career or gone to university.Admiring people that just let go and did things like travelMaking a quarter of what I used to make.I admire people who know what they want and have good boundaries.I realize my kids not phoning can also mean they have lives and not codependent on dad.An answer to prayer.Started rambling.My brother in law approached me about how much he owed me and asked for an itemized list because the bills are getting high because of all the work I'm doing.This fear then anger thinking he doesn't trust me then I'm quitting all this over what I need to be doing anyway.Still a big fear of authority figures.I used to quit if I got angry or had to confront .Was always in supervisory roles and hated it.hated making decisions.Was never allowed to as a kid.Never trusted myself enough to know if it was the tight one.



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Chris


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 177
Date:

hi Chris
sounds like a very tough day for you, lots of feelings. I do the comparison thing too with others i mean...the good news that i tell myself, not dead yet, so its not too late Chris. We all could just still be going along in the misery and that being it. you say you admire people well i admire you for your courageous act of posting this.
best

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Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1607
Date:

Yeah lots of feelings right now.Lots of things I wish I could say to my daughter but she's not ready for that kind of communication.She always shuts the conversation down when I go there.We were so close when she was young and after the divorce all that changed.I miss having a relationship with her.It hurts to see other fathers that have close relationships withe their kids.Just old feelings coming up.Itll be ok.Im so proud of my daughter .I think I'll write a letter and just hold onto it for now.Its like I've learnt all these skills about being a good parent but don't get the chance to use them.I need to figure out who I am without a family.Its time for me and that is terrifying.Right now I feel like a little boy that needs a hug.To be told it's going to be ok.Imwas never told that everything was catastrophised or bad things weren't as bad as they were.Same side of the coin.Like being around people who minimize your pain.That your feelings don't count.Everyone here is so good.I wish it was in person for the human contact.This is bringing up needing a mom.I have a mom but I needed her so much as a little boy.She did her best.She was never a hugger.I am but I never hugged a man or woman until I got into recovery.I mean quick hugs from aunts .Never remember much of just sitting on mom or dads lap.There were always my siblings.One baby after another.Being in the hospital a lot I never got that nurture I needed.She was like me a little kid trying to raise kids.I could never talk to my mom.If I did she brought up how she was affected by something so eventually I stopped sharing and learnt to listen to her problems.Its still like that.I share and all her problems come up.The little kid is really missing having a mom to talk to and get a hug from.I feel embarrassed I'm fifty eight and feel like a little boy that needs his mom.Another step in my recovery going thru the mom stuff.I love you guys.

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Chris


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4182
Date:

   {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Neos}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks for sharing your thoughts today.

Not everyone has that Ozzie & Harriet family.  My husband (69) probably won't hear from his two kids today, either.  Last fall when we were all together for his mother's funeral I told hubby's daughter that she is missing out on a good guy (her dad).  My husband's ex has poisoned the kids against him.  A shame, really.  I don't know all the historic garbage, but he is a great guy and the grand kids are missing out, too.

Family dysfunction hurts a lot of people....

In Recovery,

Mrs. Snoopy



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Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1607
Date:

Thanks mrs. Snoopy and azule.Jusr getting it out helps a bit.One thing my youngest who I raised are going for lunch.She is always the one who shows up.Im thankful for her.Tell your husband I'm thinking of him.The days not over.They usually at least phone.So be thankful for what I do have.This grief process sucks.

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Chris


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4182
Date:

Have a great day with your daughter, Neos!

In Recovery,

Mrs. Snoopy



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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 177
Date:

Have fun at lunch with your daughter Chris....

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Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 5938
Date:

 

 Hope the day worked out well, Chris...

   I always try to stick something between my ears before opening my mouth- sharing does this for me... confuse...



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He poto, he reka...  short and sweet... the latter is a saying of mum's. 

 

 

 

 



Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1607
Date:

We had a wonderful time.My son phoned he has just been really busy.Had a long talk.Just a bunch of old feelings I was listening to but glad I shared before I went.We laughed about our family and some of the dysfunction.My daughters boyfriend is great.He hugs lol and is so friendly.My daughter and him fight and bicker but laugh lots too and talk things out.Him and I made plans to do some beach fly fishing for salmon.My son also.Wow my hp on the move.I just needed to trust after I asked .Im amazed at the way he works in my life.Have been praying for my sister and two days she is like night and day.The power of our hp and prayer.I keep forgetting.When I can't he can.wow wow and thank you and thank you all.Feeling tired thankful and head numb but this will pass.

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Chris


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 5938
Date:

 

  Good on ya, Chris... smilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmile... smilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmile...



__________________

He poto, he reka...  short and sweet... the latter is a saying of mum's. 

 

 

 

 



Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4182
Date:

WONDERFUL, Neos! 

In Recovery,

Mrs. Snoopy



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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 177
Date:

Great news!

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