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Post Info TOPIC: Share your story here.


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RE: Share your story here.


TigWizard wrote:

Hello all!

Long story short:

I grew up with an alcoholic mother. There was no physical abuse, but plenty of verbal/ emotional abuse. I became aware of the alcoholism as a pre-teen. I was embarrassed and/or humiliated on a regular basis by my mother. †My father tried his best to support my sister and me, but there wasnt much he could do.

ive been in regular therapy for a few months and am coming to the realization that my entire life has been effected by my mothers behavior. This is my first foray into reaching out in this way.†

Thank you for listening/reading.

Tig


†I had trouble with the whole opening up and talking about things process. †Im usually quiet and dont display my feelings. Now I know that what i went through as I kid played a huge part in my sense of worth and self esteem. This process is really helping but its just beginning for me.†



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Les


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Welcome to MIP, Tig!

Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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Guru

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†Hi Tig... I do exactly the same thing myself- self-talk... it really does help me to ease into my thoughts, and my feelings...†smile...



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† short and sweet...† a goal, anyway...



Newbie

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david wrote:

†Hi Tig... I do exactly the same thing myself- self-talk... it really does help me to ease into my thoughts, and my feelings...†smile...


†Its funny, I do have this self dialogue, if you will, when Im alone. i find myself almost rehearsing what I want to talk about prior to a session. I guess as long as it comes out its a good thing.



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Les


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† † † † † † † † †smilesmilesmilesmilesmile.....aww...



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† short and sweet...† a goal, anyway...



Newbie

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Hello,

If I'm honest, I'm not really sure if I should be here, but, after some pretty horrendous behaviour, the breakdown of my marriage and a lot of pain over the past 3 years, my psychotherapist suggested that I read the Laundry List. I recognise a lot of that list in myself, and my father†was† and remains a recovering alcoholic.

The problem I'm having with even beginning to consider the impact of my father's alcoholism on my life is that to everyone who knows him, myself included, he is a good person. Everyone who knows him well, knows he is a recovering addict. Everyone admires him for his recovery, for his work helping others with recovery and for his honesty in doing so.†

My father was never a violent drunk (that I know of) and since before I was born had been in AA. As a child of maybe 8 yrs old I learned of his addiction when he relapsed. He was a 'sad drunk'. He retreated, he slumped, he drank and he binged for 2-3 days, tapered off for a day or two, then returned to work, got on with life and within a week the tension and uncertainty that went with his drinking subsided... until the next time.

I can't remember how many times he fell off the wagon, but it varied between every 6 months to every 2 years between relapses. I never felt anger towards him, I felt pity. AS I grew older, I was proud of him for his recovery. I was and remain very grateful for the fact that while he was powerless over his addiction, he would aim to minimise its effect on us. When he drank, he retreated.†

He is a complex and extremely intelligent person. He was a teacher, and universally liked and respected by everyone.

I always assumed his alcoholism had a minimal impact on me, and may even have been beneficial, in a strange way - I learned that even the best people are flawed.

So, I never associated, and still don't know if I do associate the problems that I have with his drinking. I felt irritated when my psychotherapist first brought it up, but I'm considering that perhaps his alcoholism had more of an impact on me than I first suspected.†

Now, here's a bit about me...

I was a strange child. Extremely quiet, painfully shy and permanently fearful - of what, I have no idea. Other children terrified me. I isolated myself and watched from the edges as others formed friendships. I mostly felt like I wasn't part of what was going on around me. When people tried to make friends with me ( I was well-liked, somehow, despite being so quiet) I almost felt sick. It felt like they were hassling me.†

Emotionally I was sensitive but kept that deep, deep inside of me in a vice-like grip.

I also had, and this is extremely embarrassing for me, a fear of being barefoot. I had an intense fear of having to take off shoes and socks. I'm not sure where this came from but I know that to me it was the most embarrassing, humiliating, shameful thing. This became somewhat of an obsession and I could not stop thinking about it. This later developed into a fetish - one where I wanted to be humiliated by being made to be barefoot. Much later in life, this led me to fetish sites, then message boards, then craigslist, then real-life meetings with men (I am straight, and married. I love my wife dearly, but I could not stop this compulsion). When my behaviour was discovered my life fell apart, as did my marriage. I concluded that I was an addict myself - a sex addict. I joined a 12 step programme. Later I attended therapy, too.†

My therapist helped me to look at† the fetish differently - to accept it, but importantly, she helped me to uncover that it was less of a sexual desire, but an emotional need - I needed to show vulnerability. The physical experience of being barefoot, helped fulfill an emotional need - the need to be emotionally vulnerable. For me this was life changing. My compulsion ended over night and the desires to engage in dangerous meetings just disappeared. Now I see my fetish as, slightly embarrassing, but something that could have been shared and explored in a healthy way.†

At the same time as this realisation, my emotions started flooding to the surface. I could feel the need and the want to be a more open, honest, vulnerable person. I want to connect, to be able to relax, be myself and be free. I have spent my life living in fear of my emotions being exposed, of people knowing me or seeing my vulnerabilities. Now, I'm tired and I want someone to see me, know me and accept me.

My therapist thinks I may have 'shut down' emotionally at a very young age to gain some 'internal control over my external environment'.

So, on her advice, I read the laundry list, I dentified with it, and now I've written what probably reads like a long, rambling post. I apologise if it's in the wrong thread, or if parts of it seem irrelevant or make people queasy. It is my story, though

Thanks



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Michael


Guru

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Welcome to MIP, Michael!†

If you identify with a majority of The Laundry List, you are probably in the right place!†

There are many kinds of alcoholics, and many ways that impacts the family.† Not all Families Of Origin have physical, verbal, or sexual abuse.† A lot of us were just neglected, which can be very painful to a child.† My Narcissistic mother was caught up in her own problems and really didn't want kids.† My alcoholic Dad stayed away from home and ran around with other women.

Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!†

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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Newbie

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Hello, I'm April and I'm an adult child of two alcoholics who love me dearly, but imperfectly. I have been on my journey of recovery with ACA since December of 2010 and started with ACA and Alanon after some sweet person handed me a copy of Melody Beattie's (I don't remember if I spelled that correctly) book 'Codependent No More'. I had heard of Alanon, but had never attended. I had no knowledge that ACA existed. I attended a few meetings of each and decided that ACA was for me, though I am certainly not knocking Alanon because I appreciate what they do. My FOO consists of my father, a physically and emotionally abusive man whom I now realize is a scared young boy with a temper trapped inside a 60+ year old's body. My mother, a hard-working and intensely loyal 'spineless jellyfish' of an alcoholic that seems to drink more out of a desire to keep my dad company in his drunken state than drinking for herself, but that is, of course, my humble opinion. They married a few months after their 3rd child and have remained so for nearly 36 years. Next is my brother, a dearly loved manipulative con artist and abusive alcoholic, father to two intensely smart children, who took his own life on my birthday in 2014 (pretty rough bday present). Then there is me, an unmarried mother of two, who had a "good job" I hated for over a decade and has been bouncing around temp agencies since I finally quit a few months after my brother's death. And finally, my sister, also an unmarried mother of two who has a good job that she likes most of the time. My sister and I are very close, physically (our homes share a yard) and emotionally, since my brother's death, and neither of us are addicted to alcohol, nor abstain from it. Though neither of us are free of addictions by a long shot! We are both still in contact with our parents, though she more than I. My family regularly attempts to shame me for the boundaries I have put in place and must enforce on a pretty consistent basis, but, with practice, I have learned to let it slide off my back instead of letting the shame roll in to drown me like it used to. I am here because I need my meetings, I need my family of choice because, as much as I love them, I do not have the support network I need from my family of origin. I am here because I feel like I'm priming for a backslide into all the unhealthy behaviors I used to use to cope, the binge eating, the retreating into myself and marathon watching of movies and video games to help deny the fact that I'm flailing and, arguably, failing, at "real life". Sorry for the long post. I look forward to getting to know you and hopefully finding a home, even if I'm too far away from a physical meeting. Thanks for 'listening'!

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I will not be quieted. I will speak my truth.


Guru

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Welcome to MIP, April!

It sounds like you have a lot in common with many of our members.† Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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Guru

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Queen Bee wrote:

†Thanks for 'listening'!


† † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † Thanks y'all, ma'am.

Part of my veneer is a faux southern accent... but ah'm rural and this is a part of my culture and personal makeup.

I live far from the deep south. But my heart is there.†

I always say y'all kin take the kid out of the family, but y'all caint take the family out of the kid.

Taking a circuit through an ACA group- for me gives me an extra rite of passage... into emotional growth. I find the true meaning of the word ~detachment~. Which is really just a way of growing out and growing up.

It is a journey, and ah really really enjoy time with other travellers... it makes up for the grey days in my life... an accumulation of them...

We depend entirely on our membership here. There are no rooms.

Unless people share there is resounding silence.

We get on each other's wavelengths in a healthy way. We have the right to be wrong sometimes... how else would we learn?

I was afraid to be wrong... I thought I was entirely wrong!

Shame... getting to the bottom of this now...

† † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † and getting it out of my system... liberating...

† † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † but impossible to do this, on my own...†

thanks for posting here- signs of hope, April...

† † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † †



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† short and sweet...† a goal, anyway...



Newbie

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I have certainly missed it, the letting go of what used to be shameful information and being met with 'thank you' and 'welcome' instead of judgement and criticism. I'm glad to be here. Just knowing that I have a safe place to talk has already calmed and motivated me quite a bit! Thanks for the warm welcome.

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I will not be quieted. I will speak my truth.


Guru

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Date:

Welcome to the MIP family!†

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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Member

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Hello everyone,

I discovered ACA right before the new year. I was desperately searching for help after a traumatizing family Christmas. My desperate searching led me to ACA. Thank goodness I finally found what was "wrong" with me all these years. I'm feeling a lot more stable these days because of the recovery program. I am so grateful.

My name is Rachel, and I am gratefully recovering in ACA. I haven't found a sponsor or fellow traveler yet and am seeking. There are no face to face meetings in my area, but there is 1 al-anon meeting I plan to go to when winter isn't quite so winter-y here. So far, I've attended online meetings at intherooms and on stepchat. I've participated in a telephone meetings also.

I am an adult child of alcoholics and dysfunction. My dad passed away last June. It's all such a heartbreaking story. Makes me so sad :( My mom is still with us, but she is hell bent on drinking herself to death and lives far away from me in another province. I am so sad I never got a "family". I have a sister who also lives in another province. My little brother lives in another country altogether. My kids are grown, but I lost my family ten years ago. One of my four kids moved here to the farm with me and my now husband for four years, and I'm so grateful he did that. I miss them though. I have a beautiful baby grandson but my daughter is so often upset with me for living on a farm in another province, it makes it really hard. I found such a good life. A life that is financially stable and awesome, actually. I live at the boreal forest line in my province and so my backyard is the forest, where my husband and I enjoy "playing" with our friends - snowmobiling and quadding and other "redneck" activities ;)†

I don't know how to get past all the pain yet. I hope as I reparent myself, my kids will benefit and the cycle of dysfunction and addiction perhaps has a chance to be over.†

Thanks for listening to my story.

R



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Guru

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Welcome to Miracles In Progress, Rachel!

We are fellow travelers here; pull up a chair and join the experience, strength, and hope!

I think you will find Al-Anon is a bit different than ACA.† In Al-Anon they address dealing with an active alcoholic.† Here we look at childhood baggage that we have carried into adulthood.† Some people have both!

Sorry about your Dad.

I gave up expecting my family to be perfect like the ones on TV a long time ago.† They just aren't able to provide for my needs.† I am also fortunate to have a wonderful husband and a great life we share, including motorcycle riding!† I put my time and energy into him, not people who drain me.

Have patience with recovery!† Remember, it took us a long time to get this way.

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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Member

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Thank you for welcoming me Princess K. I sure appreciate it. I'm so glad to have found you all. It's so wonderful for you and for me that we found great husbands - what a difference that makes!! My 1st husband wasn't so good. But I'm grateful I get a second chance with my 2nd husband. So grateful.†

Motorcycle riding sounds pretty cool! I was never into powersports growing up, but as I reparent my inner child, these powersports are proving to be pretty fun!†

I will work on having patience. I'd like to wave a magic wand and make it all better right this instant, but the recovery process has been a good process so far. I've been learning little techniques to help me process the memories and for the first time, things are getting "put away" proper I feel.†

I am very grateful to be in recovery,

Rachel†smile



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Guru

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Hi Rachel,

† † † † † † † †I read your share in my I-phone this morning- high up on the mountain road, here in another corner of the Commonwealth.

† † † † † † † †Welcome here...†smile... we are a friendly bunch...††



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† short and sweet...† a goal, anyway...



Member

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Date:

Thank you Guru :)†



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Guru

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†[blushes]... the gizmo here makes us a guru- after 500 shares...

† † † † † † † † † nothing to do with wisdom, or prowess...†biggrin...



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† short and sweet...† a goal, anyway...



Member

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haha David, I see now lol



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Newbie

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This is my first time in any ACA group. I have been in therapy off and on over my life, but found a trauma therapist a couple years ago who is saving my life! I did not grow up in an alcoholic family, but a VERY dysfunctional one. I‚m limited or no contact with most of my FoO. I have a family of my own...hubby and 3 kids. I am working hard to break the cycle of abuse I grew up with and make a different life for my kids. I‚m here to find ways to heal, to be supported and to support others here....as my user name states...seeking peace.

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Guru

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†Hi there, Peace, and welcome... to ACA and to our online group!†smile...



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† short and sweet...† a goal, anyway...



Guru

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Welcome to MIP, Seeking!

We have a big umbrella here, which covers all types of dysfunctional families.† I also have limited contact with my FOO, and no contact with a lot of them.† Hubby and dog are my Family of Choice!

Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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Newbie

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Thank you David and Princess K for the welcome. Hoping to continue my journey of healing and have a good life.

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Member

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today is 1 of those days that is hard and i cry and cry for hours and hours. my neck hurts. my jaw hurts. it all hurts and all i can do is cry :( i am weeping for my family :'( love addiction hurts :(†



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Guru

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†Hi Rachel,

† † † † † † † †I always felt that tears was the way in. I cry at bad stuff and for gratitude and relief as well.

† † † † † † † †I read about those sore bits- neck and jaw- in the Yellow Workbook... I flatten out and breathe- and push gently into the pain and discomfort.

† † † † † † † †Not a quick fix- but works well months into years of practise...

† † † † † † † †...I do wish I had massage much earlier into my life. I have had help from a physio and a chiropractor.

† † † † † † † †It would be a real gem to find someone switched onto this kind of situation!†

† † † † † † † †My thinking and memory has improved a lot- concentration.

† † † † † † † †Sharing and listening give me a real neat sense of connection- daily reminders. Thanks for your share!†smile

† ††



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† short and sweet...† a goal, anyway...



Member

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Thanks so much for listening. Thanks so much for allowing me to share. I sure appreciate this.†

From my understanding yesterday, I believe my tears were an important part of my grief work. I hadn't yet realized what I was grieving for. I thought it was my lost family. But I think what I needed to understand was that I needed to grieve first for my lost childhood. Yesterday I consciously was able to do that because of my ACA work.†

My yellow workbook should be here on Friday. It's all divine timing I believe. I was supposed to have gotten the workbook when I got my big red book, affirmations book, and meeting kit but it got missed in my order. So now it will be here and I get to begin the workbook study.†

My hubby and I keep talking about a couples massage. Maybe I should book one for our Valentine's present. That would be really nice and what a wonderful suggestion! Thanks :)†

Have a great day!

biggrin

Rachel



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Guru

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rachellee333 wrote:

My yellow workbook should be here on Friday.


† † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † †



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† short and sweet...† a goal, anyway...



Newbie

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Hi all,

First time on this thread, obviously first time post too!

I have been in therapy for 5 of the last 10 years (3 separate Ts, 1 CBT, 1 psychodynamic and now I'm in psychoanalysis) to help me get over my ACOA feelings. Today was a major step for me - I finally confronted my mother.

Background - both parents are alcoholics. My father stopped drinking when I was 5 (I'm now 35), however, as I'm sure you can imagine, he didn't go from the bottom of a bottle into a honorable father overnight. He was in AA, but took 15 years before he could be described as recovered. He was an angry, threatening bully. He worked on his issues and is now a posterboy for AA recovery. I still hold resentment towards him for how he treated me as a child, but I can't deny he is a different man now.

My mum wasn't a daily drinker, but drank at least 3 or 4 nights a week. She would miss large parts of my childhood because she was drunk or hungover in bed. She never rose prior to 1pm on weekends because she 'worked hard' during the week. She was high functioning and had a great job, but our home was mad. My mother continued to drink and my parents would fight constantly. At big events, family gatherings or holidays, she would get completely wasted and would have to be helped out. She was always the drunkest person in the room (or at least in my eyes). When my parents fought it was loud and frightening. My dad would threaten to leave, the odd time walking out for a few hours or, rarely, overnight. The tension in the house was impossible.

My brother, sister and I all have been affected by this in one way or another. I self sooth with food or alcohol, with shameful feelings after binges. I tried drugs a little, but my anxiety always made me a bit too frightened. I hated social events, didn't really feel I fitted in and didn't know how to interact with others. I'm self critical and always looking over my shoulder for the next attack or crisis. It became too much for me to handle in my mid 20s and I decided to try and take control of my life. I started therapy. Since then I have lost weight, started socialising and recently got married. I still binge drink/eat from time to time, but it's getting better. I had a major health scare last year and need to prioritise my life. Today I finally told my mother that I can't be around her when she drinks. I told her how awful I feel and how angry and upset I'm left when she has to be carried out of places (my wedding was 3 weeks ago and I'm sure you can imagine what the final straw was).

I have a therapy session tomorrow, but wanted to get something written today. Thank you for your reading

sparkie_t



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Guru

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†Hi Sparky,

If you get to know me here, I like to use you-tube clips. And one will follow here...

I think ACA works in tandem with other agencies- providing long term support.

I always say that we are works in progress, and that ACA itself is a work in progress.

It only exists because we all pitch in and actually create the organisation!

I also said too- that it is not a product, it is a process!

ACA embodies anyone who is doing family of origin work. But it did grow out of Adult Children of Alcoholics.

My mum was a drinker and my dad was a drunk. But mum remarried and had a great life. I was lucky to have a great step-dad.

So, welcome on board!†smile...

DavidG.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3O3IzIzoVvk&t=257s



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† short and sweet...† a goal, anyway...



Newbie

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Posts: 2
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Lol, what a great clip David. It give me a chuckle. I must admit that my mum telling me to wait until daddy gets home had another meaning! One of the weird things of being an ACOA is the dark sense of humor it leaves you with

Thanks for the welcome



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Guru

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Date:

Welcome to MIP, sparkie!

I'm sure you will find much in common, although we are from different places.† My Father and Stepfather were alcoholics.† My Mother is Narcissistic, and possibly also an alcoholic.† My FOO was constant fighting and chaos.† I left as soon as I could!

Pull up a chair and join our experience, strength, and hope!

In Recovery,

Princess K.



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