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Post Info TOPIC: Share your story here.


Service

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Share your story here.


Please feel free to share an intro, your story or anything else that will allow us to get to know you here.   Welcome to the family. 

  To view the most recent post, click the largest blue number next to the thread heading, or while in the thread, at the bottom of the screen where it says 'pages' and use the drop down.



*Beyond that, please keep sharing and keep coming back!  You help us by helping you :)






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I didn't come this far to only come this far.



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MYSTORY

First went to ACA over 20 years ago. We had two Saturday workshops in this area of 5 towns. I met up with some distant rellies there- their family and mine had not missed the ravages of alcoholism.

On the afternoon of the second Saturday the District Rep of Alanon just appeared. She said that we weren't allowed to have ACA. Since some of the people who had come to the workshops were Alanon members they just drifted away form the idea of ACA.

I got a hold of ACA online. There were a number of groups that came and went. The official WSO ACA group was looking okay, but they pulled out of this, in favour of f2f groups.

When I began in Alanon 31 years ago I was a founding member of our local group. We had people who had been members elsewhere. This bought a strength and diversity to our group. Though our local group finally went into recess, at its peak it had 16-18 members.

I see this as a strength to this MIP ACA board. We pool our knowledge and resources. For me it is exciting and dynamic...

I think I might have jumped the starter's gun here Tasha...

...I think the topic is abut starting a 'sticky' thing at the top of the board.

But we all have to start somewhere.

I have been to 8 or 10 live ACA meetings... my next meeting is coming up, Hp willing, in Florida...

for for me this board operates as a live meeting, in its own right!

Thanks for the chance to have my vice heard- it does mean so much for me...! ~ ah that word should have read 'voice'!

And thanks for listening... it adds to my soul! smile

DavidG.    aww



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I have had many "issues" in my life. I have always tried to take a sterile and safe approach (hiding, keeping everything to myself and trying to deal with them alone) to dealing with them. As years pass, I get tired of trying and failing - trying and failing.

I wake up scared
I wake up strange
I wake up wondering if
anything in my life is ever going to change ...

I am an Adult Child "without any apparent alcoholism in your family." It's kind of uncanny but people have asked my sister, "are you sure your parent(s) were not alcoholic?"

But, plenty of dysfunction. I'm not even focused so much on what happened or the "dysfunction." I am more focused now on ME and my feelings and reactions to my FOO and childhood. How did it affect me? What is "the exact nature of my abandonment?" (step 4).

Anyway - Just started having increasing difficulties and increasing difficulty managing life (life was becoming/had become unmanageable).

Something happened with my mother and I started surfing the web trying to "diagnose" her and came across some websites about parents with personality disorders. There were some links from there to ACA.

I read the laundry list and it was like someone held up a mirror to me. That was about 5 months ago and I've been in ACA since.


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"hunger is the sweetest sauce"



Senior Member

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Hi everyone. I haven't been to Adult Child meetings yet, but have been in Al-Anon for a long time. My Mom was my alcoholic and she passed away last September, which has really unleashed a lot of pain and old issues that I want to deal with now. I think that my program has given me a good foundation for recovery, and now it's time for my "little Tracy" to have her say and to grow up with my "Al-Anon self" as her parent. : )

So glad to be here,
Tracy

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I grew up with3 sisters Mam&Dad , Pops was a practising alcoholic when I was a kid , but now is long time now in recovery, also I have other members in the fellowship, I think growing up had its ups & downs, but I do believe my parents did the best they could which wasnt bad if im honest

I took to drink & drugs at an early age by the time I was 17 I was in trouble with it, but I didn seem to mind it at the time , my views and the way I looked at life was wrong I see this now but didnt then
I have spent a lot of time in & out of the rooms trying to find peace of mind, but I never really did
I think with the amount of abuse I put my body&mind through the was bound to be some sort of damage & there was,,, look I could give a long story and dont know if I would be able to write it all down, I have crashed cars , been in prision , treatment rehab in hospitals as a result of my disease & have caused endless pain for all thoses who love me, & have a lot of toxic shame
But I just beginning to put away the whip & trying to forgive myself first so I can try and make amends,, , my road ahead is not going to be easy , but I believe now for the first time im on the right road, over the years I have gained a lot of knowledge , but it was of no use, knowledge it self wont get me my peace of mind , I must practise the 12step program, because thats where I always failed, so the one bit of advise I could give is the program must be practised in order for this to work

My hope is that I never forget where I am right now & how long it took for me to get here


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Service

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From the time I was 2 - 11 we moved out almost every year. My mom was ALWAYS leaving for good this time, and then we'd go back. I never understood any of it, and nothing was explained to me. Mom and Dad would fight, even though it was all about him being an alcoholic and refusing to go to AA, I didn't know this until I was much much older. I always thought it was my fault that they split, and I was always the one who rounded up my younger siblings to go hide in the closet while they fought. The only thing I could do while I was terrified, was try and at least console them that everything was going to be okay since they were younger and doing all the crying I probably should have been doing. But I was the care taker.

When my family finally did break up for good, it didn't ever feel like it was going to be for good to me so I acted out, screamed and cried that I missed Dad and I figured that was what got mom to always go back. The last time, when she didn't, I was so angry at her, and my behavior just got worse and worse until we just stopped having any real contact at all. I then was asked in court who I would chose to live with, and my dad looked so sad, and so alone... and I knew my brother and sister would go with mom, and I didn't want him to be lonely, so I chose him.

It's confusing when you're trying to take care of your parents feelings at times like this, instead of the other way around as it should be. And it's confusing when adults give you a lot of power to chose like an adult, treat you like an adult, and let you care for them like an adult, when you're only 12.

For me, it was then very hard to then have them treat me like less than an adult, and tell me what to do - but my people pleasing took over and I still did what I was told. I wanted to appear like I had no problems, like the perfect child. I practically lived at the church down the road, and enrolled in something - choir, bells, youth group, sunday school teacher, nursery worker - anything to not have to be in my uncomfortable home after school.

I got to my dad's place that first day, and it was quiet. No little siblings to play with or make noise. My dad spent most of the time drinking in the basement, and crying. Finally, one particularly long silent day, after I couldn't spend anymore time hanging out with my kitties or the other farm animals, or roaming the woods out back - I finally went bravely down to the basement bar. I asked (as I had been since I was 2) if I could bring my dad a beer from the keg. I'm assuming the answer was yes, however, the only thing I really remember is that he was crying pretty hard, and here I had been doing all the cooking, cleaning and care taking for him for a while now... I honestly couldn't be more perfect! I couldn't figure out any way to be more of a perfect little house wife - so I asked him because I was thinking: "Why am I not good enough for you? Why are you still crying? Isn't the place clean enough? Don't you like the food? Am I not doing all mom's chores in the barn well enough? I said this part very quietly out loud: Why am I not good enough????" His simple answer was: "I'm not crying because of that".



It didn't make sense to me.

The pattern continued. I grew up fast. Wore more make up - tried to even attract older men and wore seductive clothing at 12. Someone had to notice and like me for the adult I was!!!

That was not allowed at school or in church, so finally I turned to other escapes and attempts at joining the adult world. I began to excel in things, and not do them unless I could be the best in my class. I was focused on the college I would go to, the man I would marry, and my 2.3 kids and dog. I know now that all teens go through this, but I was envious of older people. I wished upon a star and prayed to God and begged that genie to come and grant me that wish to trade places with certain people that I didn't just admire, but truly envied in an unhealthy way... I just did not want to be me. It hurt.

I did go on to college, and I did have the perfect little family soon there after. I tried too hard to be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, and my own feelings never mattered. Just who I could make happy, who I could please, and if I couldn't do it well enough, again, I just did nothing at all. No balance. I was never living for my happiness... only other peoples.



So fast forward: Enter into recovery after a terrible 2 years of trying to escape into a beer just like I watched my father do, and somehow, my husband loved me enough to threaten to leave me if I didn't "figure things out".

So I did.


Honestly, it wasn't for the love of him - it was because being divorced put a big red X over my perfect looking life.



That was still unacceptable at the time.



But as I grew in recovery, I began to get to know myself. I began to love myself, and live according to my own conception of a HP - my own values, my own morals, my own likes and dislikes, and trust myself to know when something or someone was good for me, or not. I began to have healthy boundaries, and I worked and reworked those steps until I did find what I was searching for in perfectionism, food, alcohol, sex, shopping etc etc... I found peace.

So the cool thing is first and foremost - I don't have to do all those things anymore in an unhealthy way. And little things... like I have finger nails! No BITING! For the first time in my life that I can remember - I used a finger nail clipper. What fun! I loved the clicking and snapping sounds : )

I'm not all better yet. I still look for validation and affirmation on occasion. I still keep my house overly clean at times. (Another challenge I have found balance in since writing this originally). But I don't buy things I don't need to impress people hardly ever and I don't drink alcohol or over eat. Sometimes I catch myself emotionally eating, (Another challenge since conquered now) but I recognize it, and call my sponsor and we talk about things until we find out what's 'eating me'. I don't think that the only way to know that I'm loved is if my husband wants to have sex with me, and I don't dote for attention in that way. I behave the way that true to me, and these days - making love is just a natural part of being in love with someone, and wanting to share love. And the other really amazing thing about all of it is that since I have learned to love myself, and I believe a HP loves me, I am now able to not only love others in a true and meaningful way - but be a loving parent to myself.


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I didn't come this far to only come this far.



Senior Member

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Going to pump this. I am going to write me in a bit. Love reading these!!

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I'm pretty much an open book, but I am so bored with my own story. It's likely to make a boring read as a result! lol

I grew up in a family that was crazy making. Nothing that was overt was honest; I spent the first 20 years of my life in boot camp for reading between the lines and for the real truth that lied underneath the words. My parents were dutiful parents and tried very hard to do the right thing by us, but they were of course driven by their own demons and incompetencies. I left home with absolutely no preparation for any real success in life and had to start reparenting myself right out of the gate.

I began to envy Al-Anon families because at least they knew what to call it and what they were dealing with. Grappling with my families issues was like trying to herd cats.

My mother had a creepy relationship with me and worked very hard at making me as dependent on her throughout my childhood as she could, while at the same time being very available for shaming me in public for not being more competent when it was a reflection on her.

My father was very distant and disconnected and I was sure I was being rejected because there was something terribly, terribly wrong with me. Still struggling with that one. (I recently discovered that my father had made a conscious choice to distance himself from us as children because he was so afraid that he wouldn't be able to control himself from doing to us what his father had done to him, and had allowed others to do to him. His sacrifice still awes me.)

I couldn't find a 12 step group that worked for me and just couldn't relate to the people in them. They would share their stories and instead of being able to relate my reaction was more like WTF? Cold day in h#ll before I would allow THAT to happen in my life! (Which I discovered much later in life is it's own flavor of codependence; you gotta laugh!)

So, I became a workshop junkie. Still am, except for the fact that I live in such a backward town (no judgement there, eh? (smile)) that they don't have any, unless I was to learn Dressage or how to raise chickens, or want to know which Bible verses will fix everything. (sigh) I did take the Bee classes, though.

(Ooops; you know what? I think they do have an Enlightment Intensive Retreat nearby where you spend a week in silence contemplating "Who am I?" I'd forgotten about it. You can go back for another week of "What is the meaning of life?" My idea of a fun hobby! lol)

I finally found EA and felt like I'd come home. Of course the group disbanded about 6 weeks later! lol

It's only recently I've found ACA and found my new home.

And here I be, a work in progress.

Much love all around, smooches, and hugs,
t



-- Edited by trraacy on Tuesday 27th of May 2014 08:23:31 AM

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Lady Tasha asked me to share the bio from my home page here as well. (Teacher's pet, teachers pet! lol)


Favorite Quotes:

Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving. - Auntie Mame

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride! - Hunter S. Thompson

"To be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives-the good as well as the bad, the moments of joy as well as the moments of sorrow, the successes as well as the failures, the rewards as well as the rejections-that requires hard spiritual work. Still, we are only truly grateful people when we can say thank you to all that has brought us to the present moment. As long as we keep dividing our lives between events and people we would like to remember and those we would rather forget, we cannot claim the fullness of our beings as a gift of God to be grateful for. Let's not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see in it the guiding hand of a loving God." - H. Bowen via Ula

"Understating your abilities is just as dishonest as overstating them."

"May I learn to live a manageable life by tackling manageable problems, and turning the rest over. May I comfortably accept my limitations."

I not only have permission to celebrate my greatness I have permission to acknowledge its limitations and to choose its boundaries. - Moi

Let God do the worrying.


Mini Bio:

Adult Child of Dysfunctional Parents, 51 yo, happily married to a really great guy and we have the Best Dog in the Whole World record holder, 2012, 2013 and now again in 2014! woot Rina the Wonder Dog has taken the crown yet again!

My husband and I are Homesteading in rural Virginia and turning our property into a wildlife habitat. Of course this city girl is less than enthusiastic about some of our wildlife visitors and has to restrain herself from chasing them off with a broom. I am grateful, however, that the skunk took himself off to more fitting quarters. Possums give me the "Eeeks!" and snakes I'd rather not discuss. Frogs I like but for pete's sake don't jump towards me. Love, love, love our Salamanders and working our butts off to make it a happy place for Solitary Bees, Hummingbirds and Butterflies. Hoping to have a butterfly nursery going later this summer.

Wildlife habitat trivia: Did you know that to make your frogs feel truly welcome you should give them their own night light to attract bugs for them? Have yet to figure out how to make that one work (quizzical look). And they should have their own mud spa to cool off in. No towel service offered here.



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 Hey, great lines, Trace...smile Beaut!



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Dad was an alcoholic and not a fun one.  Mom was a martinet.  Mom leaned on me in a way more fitting for a husband than a son.  All of my adult romantic relationships were messed up.  I found ACoA while in therapy.  I'm not perfect but I'm better.  The end.



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"This place is the bomb-diggity-wiggity cocoa puff." - CDK

My blog



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I used go to ACA meeting many years ago.  Then they fizzled out.

i knew I always vulnerable, but had a good family of my own and good friends and a career that felt like home.

i know we shouldn't share too many details, but this won't make sense if you don't know that I teach high school.  This year my life became unmanageable real fast.  They have changed a lot of things in our district and we are under a new evaluation system.  I thought I was okay with that. I would follow the rubric and everything would be fine. 

Well, I have an assistant principal as my evaluator and she pushes my inner child button like crazy.  Every time I leave her office I am in tears.  I had some real challenges this year and she was of no help.  I felt like crap every time I had to havea conversation   with her.  I could feel my control over my students and my time and my feelings slipping away, but couldn't do anything about it.  I spiraled down and down.  I had two observations where I was rated as emerging effective.   The two tests that students take and on which their scores go into my evaluation got me to be rated ineffective.

this is my 16th year and it has been a nightmare from which I am just now awakening.

SChool is out, but I still have two major things to take care of.  I have to finish the data that goes into my evaluation.

then I have to meet with this woman. I am so tied up about it.  I am trying to take responsibility for my part.  It's hard because they act like the things that overwhelmed are no big deal. I'm embarrassed because I know that I have made a fool of myself crying like a child instead of a grown up professional woman.   I am afraid that instead of just letting me sign my evaluation I am going to have to endure a lecture.  I don't won't endure a lecture.  I hired my own teaching coach and in July she and I are going to work on what I need to do differently.  This lady is going to harp on things I already know and make me miserable in the process. ( she is one of those who finds fault but doesn't give advise.)

then, i to have final sign out with my principal.  He's nice but I am afraid he is really disappointed in me.  I also have that " other shoe about to drop" feeling.  Even though I know that he can't just fire me.  I have a union rep and she has a plan for this negative label I am about to be saddled with.  I am still scared.  

 

Like a child, I just want it to go away.  

by this time tomorrow it will all be over.   I want it to be tomorrow now.



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scf


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Okay, I know I need help. This is the only place I haven't tried.

Daddy will fix it. I was told this was one of my first sentences. Something that will follow me and also shut me down. I have a lot of fond memories of my life in Turkey, but there are also a lot of horrible memories, too. This is the first time Id realized my father and mother were fighting, and drinking. I would sometimes hear fighting late at night. I sometimes would hear the sounds of pushing and shoving and loud voices. I think this is also the time I noticed I was being set aside. They were so obsessed with each other, jealousy, possessiveness, control, secrecy. All of this left no time for us (my sister and me). But we were told that we were such good girls, they didnt need to correct our behavior. Daddy could no longer fix it, Mommy hated Daddy, who were we now?
In Oklahoma, near the time of his Air Force retirement, my mother made my father agree to retire early and get a real estate license so she could open a business. He would be her employee. My father was very proud of his Air Force career, but he wanted to make her happy, even if it meant giving up something that meant a lot to him. The fighting intensified, it was now part of every part of our day. They werent there for us, they were there for them. Daddy continued drinking. He had always enjoyed his beer and he drank too much even in Turkey. In Oklahoma, it seemed to be too important to him. My mother would say that she drank to keep him from drinking even more. I often believed that his drinking was the only way he stayed married to her. Otherwise they would have divorced or killed each other. She spent money over money. I once asked her why she could have dozens of new dresses and I couldnt have a new bathing suit. She slapped me hard enough to push me to the wall. After that I was afraid of her.
My dad had an affair, one that I know of, and my mother had an affair. That man also raped both my sister and me. I never told anyone, neither did my sister. Years later, my mother later invited him to my fathers funeral and it was only then that I told her. He didnt come to the funeral.
The fighting between my mom and dad didnt get better. His drinking was worse. Hed always drank a lot of beer. I was so embarrassed when I would have to take a huge black trash can full of beer cans out to the street before the trash truck came. I never saw him acting drunk and I never saw him mean except with my mother. Mom and Dad were fighting so much they agreed to sign permission for me to get married at 16. I wanted to get away from the fighting and they were so obsessed with their problems they didnt care. I quit school to get married. During that first year, my father bought a house for us to live in and money to buy furniture. Then my father had started actually acting like a drunk. In the middle of the night he came to my house so drunk he couldnt stand up. My wonderful daddy had to sleep on my couch. In December of 1972 he died from a serious deterioration of his vital organs as a result of decades of heavy beer drinking. The year after my father died; my mother kicked my grandmother out of the house my father bought for her, my mother remarried, my sister was hospitalized several times for Schizophrenia. Also, my husband was accused of stealing from 2 jobs. He called me and told me he was going to be gone for 2 months because he joined the Air Force. When he came back, he told me he was going to be in England and I would not be joining him, he wanted a divorce. By that time we had a 2 year old and I had no education.
Of course there are many more things that I can put into this account of my early life. I think what I am remembering is that I never believed my mother loved me. I didnt think about it while I was growing up because it was what I knew and I had nothing else to compare it to. I also know that my father did love me, but there are two caveats to that feeling. First, he didnt know how to love me. We were not a physically or even mentally affectionate family. The way I knew he loved me was he was never angry with me and my mother was always angry. He would let me buy things, usually giving me the money. But he didnt hug me; I often sat next to him, but he would never come to me. Second, I honestly believe my mother was jealous of the love and attention he had for me. I also dont believe he loved my sister like he loved me and my mother loved my sister. What a complicated family! I found this statement in a description of a book I read large numbers of women are struggling to escape the emotional damage inflicted by the women who raised them. Subjected to years of criticism, competition, role-reversal, smothering control, emotional neglect and abuse, these women are plagued by anxiety and depression, relationship problems, lack of confidence and difficulties with trust. They doubt their worth, and even their ability to love.


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S C Franklin


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I have been here almost a year.  I've changed in a lot of good ways, but I still have a really bad days where all the old ways try to rule my life (and get too far).  

Some of my earliest memories are of how much I loved my dad. I remember following him everywhere and dancing with him in the kitchen.  That's when I was 5 or so.  

When I was 6 or 7, I learned to fear being with him.  He slept a lot, or he was angry.  One day he put some fries in the oven to heat up but fell back asleep.  Some point later the house was full of smoke, and I was scared to wake him up because he would be so angry.  But I did.  A few years later, his drinking was bad.  He and mom fought all the time.  When they weren't fighting, I had to fight for attention from them, which usually meant crying about something my brother had done to me or trying to be perfect.  I always felt so jealous when they spent any time together without me.  I hated to see them being affectionate with each other.  

When I was 8, my mom sent my brother and I to Indiana (we lived in Georgia) to live with her sister.  It was probably just as bad there.  My aunt was horrid, lazy, and mean. She ingrained in my head that I thought I was a princess and that I was better than everyone else.  I missed my mom so much and still really didn't understand why she was still in Georgia.  By this time, I was on 'mom's side', and everything was Dad's fault.  

Mom came back up to Indiana, then Dad.  She threatened to send him back to his parents in Georgia, and did a few times.  Meanwhile, I maintained the image of the perfect child.  Good grades, cleaning the house.  I learned to spend as much time out the house as I could to avoid the fighting.  Not that it always worked.  

Maintained my perfection and people pleasing all the way to college; in my mind, I just needed to get out, then it would all be OK.  I broke down in my 2nd year of college.  I felt so different.  I could not make new friends, I felt inadequate.  I didn't know what I wanted to do.  I did a lot of googling then, ever the 'don't ask for help' kid, and read about how this all went back to my childhood.  Saw a counselor once or twice.  I glanced at some online forums.  I am very academic minded, so in my mind, awareness of the problem was enough.  

I continued struggling to make friends, had no idea how to date.  Felt inadequate during internships.  I was amazed I had come so far, but was waiting to fail.  

Moved to NC after grad school, far away from my family.  Got into my first serious relationship 4 months after being here (still had no friends, except acquaintances at work).  When that relationship ended, I started dating again 2 months later, and after 6 months and another failed relationship, I started to see the problem.  I hadn't changed at all.  I still put everyone else before me.  I still felt inadequate even though I worked so hard at being perfect.  I still had no idea how to show affection.  I definitely didn't love myself.

I came here not at a bottom then, but determined to change.  My bottom had been several years ago, and I realized I had just been living the same old way.  

I struggled mostly with the spiritual side of this program, and on my really bad days, this is what keeps me down.  I have learned that I have worth, no matter what.  I am slowly, slowly, slowly learning how to love.  My dad quit drinking a year and a half ago.  He and mom are separated.  My mom I think is depressed, very lonely, and has hopes for them getting back together now that dad is sober and working.  It's hard sometimes staying uninvolved (even though we're all in different states), but I cannot force solutions on either of them.  I am living my life.  

I have lived the results of this program, and I have bottomed out and seen it all come back within the course of a week.  It's a ride, it's a journey.  It's messy, it's beautiful.  It's mine.  



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ncbeachbum86 wrote:

 It's a ride, it's a journey.  It's messy, it's beautiful.  It's mine.  


 smilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmile It feels to me that you have bin here a lot longer... aww



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I don't really remember a time in my 51 years of life that alcohol did not play a role in my life some way some how. I grew up with an alcoholic father from the get go. He worked hard to support the family but drinking was his thing. Shortly after my youngest brother was born my mother had joined him. I think she figured " if you can't beat him, join him"... And so it was!!! Even with the dysfunction going on I remember many great things in my youth ... Camping as a family, huge gardens each summer, vacations ... But each thing was still surrounded by beer. My dad kept a cooler in the car and literally drank and drove his family around. The family functioned , if you want to call it that . I dated the first guy whose family resembled mine. I figured there would be a lot less explaining to do. We were married for 17 years... That's right, I decided to keep the dysfunction going. His entire family we're alcoholics except his mother who was the enabler of all of them. My ex husband was and still is a wonderful man. He so badly wants to be sober, but why bother when your entire family has the disease? I spent the next 10 years in two horrible relationships .They weren't alcoholics but very dysfunctional, physical abuse, mental abuse. I was addicted to drama and boy was I in the middle of drama. In 2006 my oldest brother committed suicide. He was not an alcoholic, he was an awesome guy. Executive job, wife, coach on his boys sports teams. My family never talked about it much. He and I were very close. At different points in our lives we ended up sharing houses or apartments( he had had a few failed relationships as well). This past November my youngest brother committed suicide. He was not an alcoholic either. You would think that my other family members would notice a pattern going on here, that a family meeting would be called and we could all sit around and talk about how we feel!!!! Hahahaha.... Nobody is speaking to each other. I was very close to this brother as well. At the time of his death I was trying to get him to move back from California and live wih my new husband and I as he and his girlfriend of 13 years were breaking up. Each and every day I spend hours blaming myself. I keep telling myself that each new day maybe I will not think about it as much... So far that hasn't happened. So... I found this place. Where people are like me and I am like them. Each day is a struggle , but each day is a new day...one day closer to something different. I only wish my brothers would have been aware of what was really going on and understood that they were not alone in their battle with ACA crap!!!

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soob63 wrote:

 Yes, you are worth the time it takes to heal... smile Shore thang... aww



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Hi!  I'm Net.  I am an ACA here for the first time.  I've never been in a group like this before, although I have been in therapy since the beginning of this year.  I'm a clergywoman in a new appointment (as we say in my denomination).  I've been in this place 11 months.  I've been in ministry for almost 25 years and have never had this kind of dysfunctional church before.  The hook for me is that this church is almost exactly dysfunctional in the same ways my family of origin was/is dysfunctional. 

I knew something was "off" in the first several months, but it has gotten increasingly harder for me to cope.  There's a bully, an enforcer, a manipulator and lots of emeshment going on.  In my own FO, there was mental, emotional, physical, chemical, and sexual abuse.  I've finally allowed myself to "feel" - and the intensity of these feelings is overwhelming me.  I not only feel like I'm living in Crazy Town, but I feel like I'm Crazy Town.

I am trying to take care of myself (some days better than others) but this stuff is no longer head knowledge, but heart knowledge.  It will get better.



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Anette V. Gerber


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Hi Net,

            nice to see you... I think what brings all of us here is necessity... ...that, in itself, is a great motivator. This is a spiritual programme, but not religious. Each one of us is welcome to bring along the religious and cultural beliefs we have. I am familiar with the workings of a church congregation, as a  member. Sometimes we expect a church to be perfect, or above worldly cares and concerns, but not so.

Welcome home...  smile

DavidG.



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Welcome to all the new members! I am really enjoying getting to know you!

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Well I'm new to this, so bare with me. 

 

My mother was an alcoholic.  Furthermore, she despised her father and transferred that to me, at least while intoxicated.  After 7th grade, she emotionally abandoned me.  My father too was a heavy drinker, but less so than my mother.  As things with her got worse and worse, things with him headed south too.  When he died, I never could find any reason to believe he was not ashamed of me.  Unfortunately, the abuse didn't stop when left the house.  It, in many ways was worse outside the home - physical, emotional, sexual - violence, rejection, sexual assault - I sort of got it all.  Now, years later, I'm struggling with loneliness, emptiness, authority anxiety, fear of men, lack of deep relationships with people.



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Prof wrote:

 Now, years later, I'm struggling with loneliness, emptiness, authority anxiety, fear of men, lack of deep relationships with people.


 smile Welcome to the club... I won't detail what happened to me. I always get lost in the detail... but I still need to talk about it, to own it...

ACA is fairly new- I have trialed it, for myself... all I can really do. Will it work for others? It seems so for me...

      ...my perspective has changed so much. I have a sense of who I am- something I had lost, for most/much of my life.

 

We often say... ~welcome home~ this belies a deep sensitivity... a true born survivor... someone who today had a great joie de vivre...

some one who has hopes that I can act on... I still have trials and difficulties, but I like to think these are regular ones... aww



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Glad you found us Prof - a brave first share - never give up on you

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Hi everyone,

Just a little of my background:

I grew up in a household where my mother battled postpartum depression and chronic depression going forward. To add fuel to the fire, my father worked many hours and my sister had what we thought was childhood-onset bipolar disorder. Due to the two conflicting issues, my mom frequently reacted with physical and emotional abuse as well as a lot of furniture throwing and frequent screaming and yelling. My sister has now developed into an addict with the following issues:

Disorders: likely borderline personality disorder with histrionic personality disorder, both anorexic and bullemic tendencies as well as several attempts on her life and self-injuries common

Addictions: have included (but may not be limited to) heroin, cocaine, ecstasy, marijuana, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, sex. I realize some of the aforementioned are emotional addictions but she has them.

Actions: highly sexual, very provocative (my parents are highly conservative), oppositional defiant, unable to keep or maintain a job, was arrested and has a chance to clear her record but no motivation to do so, frequent tantrums, very little work done at home, picking fights within the family, overdoing it with her addictions to the point she has had to been resuscitated, extensive oral damage due to bullemia, now has frequent "flashbacks"

I have been out of the household for several years as I got married and moved. My sister still lives there with my mom and dad. As a result, much of my relationship with both of my parents, but specifically my mom (who is chronically depressed and has anger issues) is hearing about her ongoing treatments, the financial and emotional issues she is causing them by not being able to live by house rules, the anxiety both of them feel about her coming back, the anger they have about her provocative actions, etc. It has literally ruined any chances of my being able to relate to them. I have been frequently ignoring my own needs to help them. I am now overweight with health problems.

I find everything challenging because very few people can relate to such a circus of a family situation, but also because I have worked so hard to even establish a relationship with my parents and I see it slipping away before my eyes. I care very much about them and would like a supportive relationship but cannot seem to establish one.

 

As a result, there is an unfair burden on my husband. My best friend often shakes her head in confusion as well. She listens, but again, neither of them can relate as they both had relatively ideal childhoods.

I'm here to figure out what to do with my relationships with them and how I can maintain one without sacrificing my health or giving up.



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Hi everybody! I'm Luka and I am an adult child of alcoholic (my father; he is 70 years old and is still an alcoholic; my mother is not an alcoholic, but she suffered from depression and was never there for me and my two sisters). I'm from Brazil. I don't think we have a well structured group here in Brasilia, so I ask for your help. I apologize for my poor English. I'm 40 years old and my fourteen years marriage with an alcoholic is over (it happened 3 weeks ago). He's got a mistress. I have two children (ages 15 and 7, a boy and a girl). I finally hit the bottom and I need some hope to go through my path of recovery. I'm the classic adult child - the Laundry List is an accurate description of my behavior. I myself am not an alcoholic and I don't have any addictions (I mean, beside perfectionism, self-hatred, fear, anger, need to control, isolation, and so on). I don't take medication either. I'm trying to face the bottom with a clear conscience. I'm tryin to tolerate pain, but I have to say I'm having a hard time.

Thanks, anyway, for listening to me.



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Welcome, Luka.  Your English is fine.  You can find healing here.



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Thank you, JamesCT. You are very kind. I'll try to enter chat room page at 7:00 PM.



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Hi.  I'm not quite sure what to write and I'm hoping it won't come out like word vomit.  Basically, I'm here to learn about the program and work some steps (at some point) because I can't make any of the meetings in my area on a consistent basis (and I'm terrified of opening up in a group...  even observing scares me to death at this point).  My story still makes me feel crazy and like I'm being disloyal to my family, but here goes:

My parents are perfectly well-meaning, but high-functional alcoholics.  My brothers had definite addiction issues when we were teens and young adults, but this of course got swept under the rug.  I'm the only one who somehow dodged the bullet, which is humbling and sometimes makes me feel like there must be something wrong with me that I somehow missed.  There's a lot of guilt there.  Even though I tried to be perfect and pick up slack where I could...  yeah.  You know how that goes.  No matter how objectively I see things, I always come back to I was a huge part of the problem.

I guess I'm here to not only learn, but finally put some of this behind me because it's ridiculous.



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So sorry to hear about your mother, Tracy.  I can relate to your story in a lot of ways, especially the need to re-parent myself. 



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Hello everybody! I'm Luka, and I am an adult child of alcoholic. Yesterday I entered the chat room, and it helped a lot. Currently, I'm still working on Step 1. It´s so hard to let control go! My marriage ended after 14 years, and I'm learning that I manipulated my ex-husband for love and affection im many ways. But I lost myself in the process - it was a high price to pay. I'm a people pleaser (I've always been one, despite my fake self-sufficiency). It's hard to face it; I felt so superior because I thought I didn't need anyone (and I was successful in fooling everybody about it)! That was my image, though. That´s not me. I was fooling myself, instead. I don't know if I can forgive myself yet. It's so hard, I always cry when I think about it!



-- Edited by Luka on Friday 13th of June 2014 09:34:37 AM

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Welcome home... please continue to share... we love to see newcomers start a new thread... you help us by helping you. Keep coming back!

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Thank you, Tasha. But after 40 years striving for perfection (I'm 40 years old), I feel like I'm a fraud. How can I be of any help to someone? I think I was never myself in any intimate relationship (with men). I can be more like myself only when I'm alone. I'm so afraid that my children become like me! I love them so much! I really hope I have not caused them some irretrievable damage. nono



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omg, luka!!  i can relate to so many things you said on here, but i'll keep it brief.  the two that stuck out for me were feeling like i have to be perfect (or at least good enough) and feeling like a fraud in all aspects of life.  it's awful and i know intellectually how irrational this line of thinking is, but it's so insidious and sneaky that it beats me to the punch and jumps in before i have completely grasped whatever situation is at hand.  for example, i've had a few jobs where the other employees can only be described as dysfunctional (i.e. i worked less than three feet away from a food hoarder who was trying to get others to engage in her habits so she felt better about them, one girl was using racial slurs to get another person to quit, another was hiding prescription narcotics in others' desks so her office mate wouldn't steal them, the boss had a huge case of jeckyll and hyde syndrome...  the list goes on).  i've done a lot of boundary work as an adult, so i can quickly feel what's happening isn't healthy or right.  however, the adult child in me wants to be accepted by my new family so i experience this as intense social pressure to match their level of sickness.  i did this with a group of friends growing up and i know i learned this in my family because i'm the only one who never developed a substance abuse problem (just a boatload of depression, anxiety, and anger).  i've obeyed my boundaries in these situations and i've disregarded them.  no matter what i do, it never works out well and i end up taking the blame because my actions weren't perfect and i should've known better...  just like in my f.o.o.  work is the major sticking point for me because it is directly tied to my survival, i spend a lot of time there, and i want positive attention from the powers that be.  sounds familial to me.  for me, feeling like a fraud is totally tied to the need to be perfect (or good enough) because if i can convince people i'm good enough, then they won't notice i have no right to be doing whatever it is i'm doing.  i also use my emphasis on doing things to specification and being "up to code" as a person to weed out the toxic people.  it's not a terrible strategy, until it becomes a deflection technique or causes me to stuff and not name my anger in the name of being a good girl.  no 

 

anyhoo, that's the short list of what went through my mind when i read your posts.  although i hate the fact anyone feels this sort of alienation, your posts made me feel a little less nuts.



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Social pressure, need to conform to others... I know exactly what you're talking about, si11ybasil!!! Sometimes I get tired of being a "good girl" (I mean, in a stereotypical sense) as a condition to be accepted. It's really heavy. So... For now, there are two of us (I mean, like, kinda nuts, ##LOL## - ##Handshake##).



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Hi everyone I'm new here and In the past few months I have been getting interested in acoa. I am sober in aa for 6 yrs and it's time to heal in other ways. I will always need aa but I think acoa can help too.i am hoping to connect with so people on here that can help me better understanding the program. I have a work book I just started but my sponsor said to connect with others for help so I am not alone. I hope to find this site to be of a benefit.  Ttys chris.  btw I attached a start of my story that I have written. 



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Welcome, Chris.  Please read and participate in the threads.  It's good to have you here.



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Hi Luka - just by being here with us, your recovery family - you offer a heart beat to ACA. One connection made is one heart beat... being here keeps the heart and love in recovery alive :)

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Ty I have a lot to learn and this seems like a good place to start.

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Glad you're here onedaat12 :)

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Hi, Tasha! Hi, everybody! I just would like to say that you - I mean, all of you, my acoa family - gave me something very precious. For the first time in my life, I feel I belong somewhere. I always felt different - I don't know, clumsy, inadequate... I could not really connect with others. But now I think I'm in the right place. I feel like I finally have a real chance to feel home in myself and in the world.

Thank you. I love you all.



-- Edited by Luka on Tuesday 17th of June 2014 08:02:25 AM

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we celebrate you and the connection we have together when we see we are part of something bigger... a greater love... greater power... a higher power and loving parent

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So this is my first day even admitting that I need this even though I hit everything on and beyond the "laundry list".
My mom says a hundred times a week "I'm not a alcoholic" (a not an). I remarked once that my aunt was an alcoholic so she now follows it with "like your aunt R". I don't accuse her of being an alcoholic she just says it every time I see her drinking.
Anyway her saying that has kind of put me in denial even though I have known for a few years now. I can look back and see it was a problem even as a kid. She would take me to drinking parties and dump me in a "kids room" and then she and her husband would drunk drive us all home so..definitely not a new problem.
Anyway I'm Ashley, I'm 24. I'm divorced and remarried with a 10 month old daughter. I have anxiety you wouldn't believe possible and I couldn't even scratch the surface if I wrote a novel on all my problems and their causes. Today realized I have to do something I said out loud "I don't know why I thought things would be better for her" speaking of my daughter. I don't drink or smoke or anything and I am very attentive of her, I do my very best. But, I'm broken inside, I need to heal or I will never be who I want to be for her. I am always walking on eggshells, every second of my life with everyone. I don't know when that started but I remember not being that way.
My mom, she is a guilt tripper. I feel guilty for ever saying her name (mom). If I ever oppose her she cries and talks about how good of a mom she is in such a way that it's like "reaffirm me" or else things will get ugly.
I have seen things get ugly, she once held a gun to her head and talked her into not killing herself. The next day she admitted she was just trying to upset me that she loved herself to much to kill herself. A time after that she threatened to kill herself again, and I told her I didn't care (at age 15 or 16 maybe). I stood up to her a lot as a teenager and got married at 17 and left the state. Then my ex and I moved in with her (I was 21) to settle back into the town and he and I got divorced leaving me home with her. My life almost ended there a few months later. But I fell in love left again and couldn't have been happier.
We got married, got an apartment had a daughter. But then we found out there was a meth lab in the apartments and then we saw a few roaches coming from the neighbors apartment up through our plumbing and then bed bugs showed, we had to get out. My Mom said she would empty two rooms for us at her house (she is a hoarder) and when the first was empty we moved in. The second never emptied. We are moving out tomorrow and she doesn't know yet, I'm terrified!
See the problem is ever since my daughter was born or rather ever since I got pregnant the guilt has ramped up.
She bullied her way in to the birth (I wanted just me and her dad) and even ended up cutting the cord!
I love her. She is my mom. But I don't recognize her at all. So really do I, I don't know. She is a stump on the side of the road.
I love the idea of her. Not the reality.
I get sick from nervousness when I have to think of her.
Baby is awake, more later.
Thanks.



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scf

I noticed my Mom started "acting like a drunk" when I moved out as well. 

She used to use me to diffuse her marital problems, when I'm not there she is abusive to her husband (also alcoholic).

He once called me because she broke a coffee pot over his head and threw a chair through a window.

I told him to call the police. He wouldn't so I said "then I can't help you." I feel horrible about that but I didn't want to feel involved in the situation and I don't particularly like him. Generally I love and care for everyone but these two put me through it so much I can't invest in their issues no matter how bad they are. Though I do emotionally, I try not to act at all so I can't be blamed for anything.  That avoidance has transferred to other areas of my life now as well.



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Ashley, my father to this day at age 84, does not admit he's an alcoholic.  But he is.  He just needs to believe he's "better than that."

A friend of his was the "miss work" "public intox" kind of alcoholic.  My mother (and to a degree my father) used to pity that my father's friend's wife and children went to AlAnon and Alateen respectively.  In hindsight, I wish we had been that lucky.

Welcome aboard.



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Thank you James.

That is exactly my mom' thing as well she is "better than that" she is college educated and has a good job. She can't possibly be anything like my "drunk loser aunt who dates truckers and has affairs and a mustache." (how my mom sees my aunt)
An update on my situation.
I told my mom last night we were moving and what I thought would end in screaming and broken knick-knacks actually ended in hugs, tears, hand holding. And I didn't feel guilted, even though she did try with a few what I call "catch phrases" of hers. I genuinely feel bad she won't have me around but I feel in control of those feelings. I think coming here really has helped give me strength already. Also my mom isn't exactly a "stump on the side of the road" as I said but I do feel that way sometimes because our relationship is very strained and distant. I struggle to connect with her. I think that could be the alcohol a little bit but it is mostly old issues. One big one being she was jealous of me when I was in high school I know that sounds weird but she wasn't allowed to participate in school activities as a kid and had to wear long skirts etc. and she feels like she wasted her youth so I don't know it's hard to explain but it was hard for me because she was a great mom when I was younger until she got angry with me just for being a teenager. I love her, I don't think I could ever cut her out of my life but I will feel much safer and happier in a more healthy functional home. I feel like if I don't depend on her in any way it makes it much much easier to feel in control of myself and not constantly ran over by her. My husband has already moved one load today, my mom is sad but says she will still try to be in mine and my daughters life. She isn't used to the area we are moving to and has trouble with new places so I understand her struggle with visiting even though we are nearby. One worry I still have is she wants to take my daughter places, Chuck E Cheese etc, but how do I know they aren't drinking with her in the car. That is my main worry. I have yet to let her go anywhere with her but she knows I let her ride with other people and is jealous. I don't know how to tell her it's because of the drinking because I have told her before and she says she won't but that isn't good enough I don't trust her in that situation. She is good with my daughter and can calm her almost as well as I can, but she is so flaky too on will she show up? Is she going to take off without notice (when I ask for help)? Anyway I'm rambling point here is the moving did not fall through and my mom did not overreact (to my face). And my family and I will be in a much healthier environment by the end of the day. I am so happy to have found this and I am excited about working though all of this and getting on the road to sane, calm, and happy.



-- Edited by blackberryjam on Wednesday 18th of June 2014 10:37:26 AM

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I've resisted this...

   ...but I can't hold back any longer.

             wow.

                           wow.

                      wow.

I am SO blessed up her in this sticky.

Y'all rock.

 



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Thank you all. This is fabulous :)

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where to begin...


Hello all,

I stumbled upon this page during my search for local al anon & Acoa meetings. I have found in the past year that the alcoholics in my life can't be ignored as easily as I used to be able to. I was raised by two parents who were married 30+ years and up until year 25ish, did a darn good job of hiding any marital issues they may have had. When I was 15 I became pregnant and shortly after, is when I remember my mother's drinking starting.

Looking back I remember arguments in the night involving my father's drinking which I later found out was drug use as well. Anyway, my mother was never a drinker and after my pregnancy it just seemed that she began drinking very regularly. (I have always blamed myself for this). Her drinking turned into a fifth of vodka a day and soon after, heavy drug use. I guess as a middle child I was already pre dispositioned to be the co dependent one. I was always closer to my mother so naturally when I saw her unraveling I sat by her side. I cleaned up her messes, covered her with blankets and removed the vodka bottles from her lap when she passed out. I let her lash out at me countless times, call me unforgivable names and wish me dead.

When I was around 23 I realized that she was taking me away from my own children emotionally and by this time she was robbing my grandmother blind, so I had no choice but to kick her out of my life. This was the best decision of my life. However, little did I know that it would come back to haunt me so soon. As an adult every romantic relationship I have had has been a tumultuous one. Screaming, fighting, throwing things, and even physical violence. And most of it came from me. In 2006 when my grandmother passed something in me clicked. I became angry and it had been building ever since. The anger has turned into anxiety, compulsions, and an inability to cope with things in a healthy way. My first reaction is to yell and leave. I am a master at deleting even the closest people from my life and never looking back.j

Two years ago I met the man of my dreams, he was everything I had been looking for and loves me completely, but he is an alcoholic. And I am a textbook co-dependent. So now I find myself hating him every time I hear the pop of a beer can or smell his breath after a drink. Last year he got sober for eight months. Things were wonderful. We literally didn't fight, I finally felt safe. In March, after eight months, and a promotion at work he celebrated with a glass of champagne. This was the end of his sobriety until two days ago. He has decided to dry up again and I realize this is his battle to fight through, but I have so many things I need to work out before I can stop hating him because I'm not sure anymore if I'm really hating him or my parents. I know he needs my support but I just don't have it in me to care for another victim of this disease. 

I guess why I'm here is because I don't know where to start. I need to work through my issues with my parents before I can work through the issues with my husband and I'm so lost. Any insight as to what my first steps are would be much appreciated. 

Thanks :)



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RE: Share your story here.


Welcome, Akirk.  I would suggest beginning by reading this forum.  If you can find and afford an individual therapist I would suggest that as well.  Eventually you should do the steps.  This should help you with your parental and marital issues.



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Hello to everyone.

I have been reading the fora for a few mos. Been to al anon each wk save 2, for 7mos.

Just started ACOA mtgs in person.  

My elderly mother is my qualifier, father is enabler. Entire family is very sick w the effects. I am in the process of recovery alone in my family. This makes it more difficult as I am the caregiver for my Mother. 

I am characteristically afraid to trust and share but will try as I move through this.

I will say I live w my parents now after divorce and loss of my home. It's very difficult, but without the program, I would have put an abrupt end to my life by now.

I do not know what the future holds, nor can I guess. I will continue to hold on best I can. It's been a difficult, weary road. I am afraid and isolating. Some days are better than others. 

Thank you.



-- Edited by MovingFWD on Sunday 22nd of June 2014 05:26:14 PM

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Welcome MovingFWD - glad you shared :) Please keep coming back!

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I sure will - ty for being here!

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I've been feeling particularly down since I learned my brother Martin had a second heroin overdose about two weeks ago. It all feels like too much. I need and deserve to live out my life but I feel that if lives were hands in a poker game, it would be best to fold now and wait for the next round of cards.

I have been to one local aca meeting. I did not go the week after but I did many weeks after on two occasions and did not find a meeting. I am having trouble finding meetings in my area and I need to share.

I guess the best place to start is the beginning... My mom and dad divorced due to my dad's penchant for beer when I was very young 2 or 3 or 4, which I consider lucky given the terrible experiences I have heard from other children. I do remember some yelling and bad/strange feelings from that time. I clearly remember walking into my mom's room when I was 5, months before I began kindergarden, and finding my mother at the foot of the bed trembling and in distress. "Call your father", she said. I have little memory of that day - being at my maternal grandparents with my family all about being stressed out. My mom had a stroke, fell into a coma, and is paralyzed from the neck down. I began kindergarden a month or two later and clearly remember thinking that it was all fake as the bus pulled up to drop us off at school. Socializing was not easy for me and I don't think I made a real friend until 2nd or 3rd grade. Then I dropped that friendship when another new friend came along. 2 friends whose house I visited when I was in elementary school. 

I met an uncle from my father's side of the family once. I heard they got in a fight. My family on my father's side is my father. Dysfunction and addition were heirlooms in his family.

My mother's side of the family is dysfunctional yet well-off and so perceived as "successful" by society and most in it, although my grandfather always said real wealth is family. I love to hear that bounce around my head when I want to pity myself or think about my family's future.

Most family dinners I remember consisted of me trying to mediate between my brother and grandparents or my eating silently and waiting at the table for everyone to finish because it was the polite thing to do. After dinner, everyone would go do their own activities and go into their own mental space until the next day. A "good" dinner would usually involve me and my grandpa getting into political "discussions" where he (business-minded conservative) with superior knowledge, education, and life experience would beat down my young idealistic ideas, which I would hold to but never won.

I have a lot of history with my father and his alcoholism. Sunday became his day to spend with me and my younger brother. I felt like we had to see him. It was usually a lame or idle time with him if he showed up to pick us up. I haven't spoken with him for sometime and actually only saw him last because my brother needed somewhere to detox off heroin and found support or at least a place to sleep, so I went to support my brother. I made it apparent that my brother was the purpose for my visit, not verbally but by limiting my engagement in conversation with him. Since I have not returned his calls or messages which have stopped.

I have 3 aunts. Greta is an alcoholic who we visited much as children (there were plans for her to take us, but she drank) and those visits felt similarly lame and disconnected as Sundays with my father. Jean is the youngest and a workaholic who dated a cocaine addict, Jim, who I called and still call uncle (as he had recovered and I believe to play a positive role in others' recovery). Jim and I have some history together but I have not talked to him in sometime as visits with him are mostly one-sided and too intense to enjoy. Susan is the only aunt of mine who had children. She has had alcohol problems that I have not sought to inform myself about because she has kids who should do that. 

My brother Martin got into a lot of trouble as a kid and took a lot of my grandparent's attention and energy, leaving me to do what I wanted as long as I made grades, followed rules, and generally looked like I was doing fine. I didn't get into much trouble. When I was young I had a hard time finding an activity that I enjoyed, like soccer or baseball or computers, but nothing clicked until something did. Starting middle school (11-ish yrs old) I became very involved kayaking, spending nearly every afternoon and weekend training and traveling and having fun, making friends, doing what felt right - even if there was some wrong every once in a while. It was great. I made friends, won races, and had a great time. I cannot stress enough how much of a positive impact being involved with the sport made on me.

Anyway, without warning my grandparents announced at the beginning of my senior year, that they would no longer support my kayaking and that I needed to get a job. I verbally fought that with all I had but like every political "discussion" we had, in my grandparent's mind there was nothing to discuss and they trounced me. Effectively pulling the table cloth from under everything I had going.

Next it was college or beat it. I am sane. I went to school. I got drunk and I was really good at it. I sought out first knowledge and information about drugs and then some actual drugs, telling myself "try it once and you'll know forever." I smoked pot, I dropped LSD. In my mind that was all intellectual research and for much of it I am glad I did explore that world. Use really depends on context I believe just as having a drink w a friend is different from looking into the bottom of a liquor bottle all alone. 

Drinking became my outlet with all the intensity I had put forth on the river. I literally trained by chugging water at the end of every non-party night to improve my capacity and speed. I got arrested. I violated probation. I spend 2 weeks in jail, doing school work and waiting to be released days before finals began. A month or two later during summer school, I got drunk, talked my roommate into driving us home and he crashed, breaking my neck. I recovered and returned to school... ...I finished, got a job. Never fired - I have always been sought after, even as a younger guy in a shitty economy.

I have been dating and living with my current gf for 2.5 years now. I don't know what words to write for her yet so I will save it as well as my brother Martin for a later post.

I have a hard time with trust. I generally have pretty good instincts, am in good health, I am intelligent, funny, and charismatic when I am not down.

Thanks Yall

 



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Dad= hard core alcoholic, pretty much got smashed everyday, very red-faced, would either ignore me, yell at me, or pretty much tell me how stupid I was. Or a lovely combination. I feel like I blocked out alot of these memories. When sober, a very nice but very quiet man. I remember asking him questions and he would ignore me most of the time. He would always give me very big hugs as if to say, even though I'm an asshole, I love you deep down inside. He had a stroke recently due to his drinking but surprise! Still drinks everyday. He is a night drinker, so I avoid him at those times but actually have a pretty good relationship with him when he is sober. His parents were from war-torn Poland who saw their parents get killed in front of them.

Mom= The Enabler. But a pretty awesome person overall and I love her to pieces. She's alot of fun, loves dancing, loves living life to the fullest to the best of her abilities. That said, if she was upset with me she would simply ignore me, resulting in a very confused kid. Also, when my dad rampaged with drunkeness, she would just stay quiet and keep to herself. She would also try to convince me to stay awake with her late at night so she didn't have to cope with my dad on her own (a little triangulation there, eh?). She is the queen of guilt trips. She really is more of a positive person in my life than a negative one though, for sure. Her mom had borderline personality disorder, her dad was supposedly a very cool guy (died when I was young).

Sister is in AA for 15 years and moved out when I was 10 (we are 10 years apart in age). My aunt has always lived very close and she is like a 2nd awesome supportive mother to me. I have a group of awesomely supportive friends who, strangely enough, have similar upbringings! Coincidence? I think not!

I was the golden child when younger, weirdly spoiled although emotionally abused @night. Great student, "good girl" until teenage rebellion set in and I was like screw everyone! Along with teenage rebellion came my interest in "street art," climbing rooftops, exploring abandoned buildings, etc. Had kind of a negative turn there for a while until college, where good grades ensued and I went to grad school for a bit to study animals in SE Asia. Freaked out and dropped out of program to return home, as I discovered I didn't really want to live in jungles for years. Addicted to excitement? I think so.

In a nutshell, not alot of talking/communication went on when I was younger. As a result, I am highly uncomfortable with communicating my feelings. Also very uncomfortable with people trying to tell me what to do, or if they have any sort of issue with me. Me and my husband have a pretty awesome relationship as long as I don't fall into the dysfunction, & I can give you the formula for that its so damn cyclical. Husband has an issue, brings it up in a normal or irritated tone. I get defensive and list all the reasons why I am right and why he shouldn't have an issue. He is too "sensitive," in my irrational brain. He gets more upset as he feels unsupported, I get more stubborn because whats the big deal! When I'm working on "me" this issue definitely lessens/disappears in our relationship. If I'm not being proactive though, it definitely turns into a big bad problem. I'm thinking I'm just recreating my dad being upset with me for no reason and having to defend myself at any cost. Although now this is not my dad and people have the right to bring up issues with me!
Part of the reason I am here, but mostly here for me and for me making healthy choices in my life! I already feel the program working it's magic :)

Thank you guys.

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Mother is an alcoholic. She went to the hospital yesterday and had an alcohol level of .315, then when she got home immediately started drinking again.  She's too proud to go to AA, she thinks she's better than them. And won't go to a treatment center because doesn't want to leave her husband for that long.  

She won't make out a will because she doesn't think she'll die soon, but she has many illnesses from alcoholism and the doctors told her she doesn't have long, but doesn't believe them. So I will be left with nothing when she dies, just thousands of dollars of her medical bills because she has to go to hospital and detox centers all the time.  

She sexually abused me once she was drunk when I was a child, and physically and emotionally abuses her husband all the time.  I feel so much pain because the only person that ever loved me was my grandmother and she's gone.  My mother is my last remaining family, she's always treated me like she didn't care much for me.  She'll be gone soon and then I'll have no family.  I've been molested by several people, have felt shame and fear all my life, and also have a drug and alcohol problem even though I'm sober at the moment. I have one friend, who is also an alcoholic. I am very sad now that it's coming to the end for her and she is still in denial, and ignores my pleadings to get help.  I feel like my heart is dying.

I'm too afraid to be in a relationship with anyone, and I cut and burn my skin.  I cut myself in front of my mother to see if she would care and she just sat there.  I don't want to kill myself because I think some day it might get better. I always think that it will, but it never does.  I always think my mother will want to get help one day but she never does.  I'm very gullible and believe her when she says 'this time is going to be different'.  Then it always ends up the same.  

-- Edited by Cygnus on Friday 4th of July 2014 12:09:12 PM



-- Edited by Cygnus on Friday 4th of July 2014 12:12:36 PM

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Welcome, Cygnus.  There is help and hope here.



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"This place is the bomb-diggity-wiggity cocoa puff." - CDK

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Thank you! And any feedback from long-timers to help would be appreciated. p:(



-- Edited by Cygnus on Saturday 5th of July 2014 01:28:08 AM

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aww

I like it here. Most of my life I have felt like a nobody...

round here I get to feel like a somebody... smile -Da. 



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He poto, he tika...  keeping it simple.

 

 

 

 

 



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My name is Sydney, and I have spent a lot of my life, including my adult life, protecting the feelings of my father and basically doing whatever my alcoholic father wanted me to do with my life even if it was to my own detriment. He often throws almost childlike tantrums and pity parties via any form of communication (Facebook, text messaging, but oddly enough never via actual phone call until he is demanding I call him via text although he could always press the phone icon as opposed to sending the demanding text...) if I do not do what he wants. Recently this was me not going to lunch with him this weekend, because I had made previous plans with my best friend, who is more like a sister to me than a best friend at this point (especially since she has alcoholic parental units as well). Today the dam broke. I'm tired of the guilt trips, of the pity parties, of everything I fight so hard to keep to myself. I have gotten so good at choking my emotions down that it has gotten me diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. After his pity party about how everything is "me me me," and it's a "me me me" world, I let him know I have never been that selfish. I have put him and the feelings of everyone else above mine for so long, maybe it's about time I do something for myself. That was when he texted me demanding I called him, and I told him I was going to get some rest and that I needed some space. The next time I heard from him he was saying to take all the space I need, and that he was done with me. He through another pity party and I let him know how his drinking has effected me up to this point, how I felt so relieved when I was living out of state. How getting him to support my dream was like twisting an arm. He then told me he was through with me, and I told him I loved him and I hope that he gets better. I told him that I couldn't do this anymore, I have to find my own happiness. I can't be his only source of that. Then I stopped answering him, and broke down.

Part of me feels relief in saying all the things I have wanted and needed to say to him for years, while the other half of me feels heartbroken, and maybe even a bit of guilt. Is this normal?

Thank You,
Sydney



-- Edited by doeeyedgirl on Sunday 6th of July 2014 12:01:43 AM

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remember all the voices

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My dad was the ill one- he got sober the day he died.

He died of old age though almost from the beginning, as he told me, he wanted to kill himself.

That was an awful task put on a kid- I put it on myself... but i was young and very innocent...

...never got any thanks for being a martyr- au contraire... once he got the knife in my back all he had to do was tweak it... 

...or that's how it seemed to me... I worked my guts out to save him, and the family farm.

When he dies he disinherited me- his final revenge... All I wanted to do was go pee on his grave...

Dealing with the long-term loss, and grief- at what seemed to be a wasted life made me aware of the gems.

Ok, I always looked for treasure, especially the treasure of the mind... and they were always here... smile



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