I've been noticing my bad attitude a lot recently. EVERYTHING in my day to day life irritates me. Standing in line, driving, especially being around 'family.' I hate every single moment and I feel like I'm powerless over it. although the 0.00001% mature part of me knows that's not true. I've had it ever since junior high, I was the queen of eyerolling, mumbling nasty things and giving the finger behind someones back (coughmomcough).And back in the day i was a HUGE gossip and was always two-faced. (karma i suppose). I don't do that anymore, not for "fun" or to distract me from my problem of ME.
I don't know how to change my attitude about myself and my life. I look back and think holy @#$@# how did THAT not bother me?!! It's bad, its ALL bad, everything about my life feels like a big piece of poop. I'm not grateful for any of it. I feel like i've punished ever since coming out of my moms womb. I can't shake the feeling. I've prayed this many many times, sometimes angrily sometimes tearfully. Still there.
I can feel like it's holding me back, since I feel alienated with people, people that could be friends but im too negative. i feel like a cold hearted #@$@#$. On the outside I know I come off that way, but inside i'm actually very sad and lonely. I feel like the worlds biggest jerk and I don't want to be around people. For a long long time it was hard for me to be around myself, being BY myself. especially since I've been alone for a HUGE percentage of my life.
I get very scared, anxious and worried when I feel like I'm getting close to someone. I always want to talk about my life and the crappiness that it is, and it usually ends badly because they tell me I'm wrong or i should/shouldn't do this or that. I get so angry. I am still angry. How dare anyone tell me how to feel or what to do!
I'm stuck in a vicious ugly cycle. I'm tired of faking it, trying to be miss suzy sunshine mary poppins singing the sound of music fakeness just so i don't have to be alone. I'm not happy, grateful, joyus and free. Never a day in my life. I just want this monkey off my back.....
thanks everyone for being here and "listening" :)
"This place is the bomb-diggity-wiggity cocoa puff." - CDK
Sassypants... you sound like I feel. Or don't feel. or just don't give two flying s***ts how to feel cos ...well... feel what you want, I don't care how I feel.....
then I get angry to feel, what other feeling is there apart from this crap feeling... you won't like me anyway so why should I bother to try to be nice... but ooohhh society tells us to put on our happy pants and our smiley mask and get out there and be 'nice' to others rah rah rah!!!!!
Can you hear the sarcasm????
If you are anything like me.. that is the thought that goes in my head.
Lately, what I have been doing is challenging that thought. I have 'observed me'.
I have observed me in context to others. I have even asked others, "how did standing in that line make you feel'? I have noticed other people sometimes are just as irritable as I am.. and sometimes it is all me!!!!!
I remember once being told that people check to see what mood I am in so they know what kind of day they are going to have... that hurt me... I said, why can't those people put ME in a GOOD mood for once, if they can see I am not happy today. I was told to be happy in the mornings so others can feel 'at ease'. My response was .... "what am I?? the bluebird of f**ing happiness"????? That didn't go down too well.
The truth is, I have very strong personality and I didn't know it. Other people were leaving me alone confirming to me that I am not worth talking to. In fact it was the other way around. they saw me in a bad mood and they did not want to be influenced by my mood so they left me to it.
I am not sure if I am making sense. I certainly don't have this mastered at all. I am still in the contemplation and observation mode. I don't feel ike I am the same as others... maybe I am .. maybe I am not.. I don't know.
What I do know.. in all my affairs.. I am the common denominator and I can only change me.
I scream into pillows, I turn my music up and scream out loud and cry and rock and yell and punch the bed or the punching bag.... I have no idea why I feel like I need to do that.. sometimes there is no reason... I just know I have to scream and get angry or I will burst..... It is not helpful to do that around other people.
Not sure if I have said anything that is true for you, but it is for me... maybe I am just a nutter???
thanks...... i relate to you linda. i struggle BAD with just ACCEPTING my feelings AS IS. so often in my life i will be reaching out to someone hopeless, feeling sad, abondoned and alone and i recieve a blow to the side of my head from others.. whats wrong with you.. you have x,yz, i wish i had your life i wish i had your problems, your attitude sucks etc. or blowing sunshine up my butt trying to get me to change my attitude.. and i always fall for it in my life, TRYING to be grateful TRYING to be happy etc, but I just can't.
just for today my attitude is what it is, and what (should) truly matter is how I struggle with it, and not trying to change myself to suit others. I know i feel... somewhere.... but im too busy overthinking and judging myself harshly from the outside, seem to shame myself into changing... so sick of it!!! No my life isnt ALL GOOD or ALL BAD i have problems and issues like everyone else and tired of harassing myself over it. I know my attitude sucks and im going to work on it for ME today.
feelings are so hard to deal with.... thanks linda.. thanks everyone