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So I have not been travelling real well lately. Gave in and had the heart to heart with my husband this morning.
Basically he has laid down the law as I see it and has allowed me the choice to be part of it or not. He is going to increase his camping and fishing and hunting activities, and he is not going to reduce his smoking to what it was before we were married (so stop asking me to basically), he says he can't reduce to what he was smoking before, he apparenlty couldn't handle to be smoking as little as he was before we were married. (I don't really know what that means).
I did some googeling and some reading.... I found a sight about abandonment issues and fear of abandonment and it seemed to explain me to a 'T'.
My husband said to me that he doesn't know why he is with me. that hurt. He likes to go camping and fishing and hunting and smoking dope. He says that is why he moved to Darwin from Alice Springs to do those things and he feels he hasn't been doing enough of it. so if I don't like it, theres the door basically.
So again, I am in the threat of being abandoned. There is always something more important than me in every body's life.
I just need to feel loved thats all. I feel like all those things he wants to do are put 'before' me. They are more important than me. He actually said he is sick of pussyfooting around my emotions.
so there.... my part in it is..... everything...... again, I feel like my childhood issues are coming back to haunt me. I have no idea where I am going with this thread.. but I know I feel sick and scared and physically sick again, and sad and angry and and and.....
"This place is the bomb-diggity-wiggity cocoa puff." - CDK
I wonder if that person will ever be my husband?
amills4294 wrote:Sallyo - thank you for posting - so there is hope :) :)
Sallyo - thank you for posting - so there is hope :) :)
Yes. There is. I still didn't stop talking to women while was supposed to be taking a break, but I have found someone who if she's being honest about what she wants and how she comports herself believes in a balanced relationship. And without ACoA, I wouldn't have a prayer right now. But I do.
rein wrote:I'm improving my habits slowly. I remind myself to get going with just a few baby steps. These baby steps are actually gigantic! We're not actually in a zero-sum game.
I'm improving my habits slowly. I remind myself to get going with just a few baby steps. These baby steps are actually gigantic! We're not actually in a zero-sum game.
That is so important to remember. Thank you for sharing.
I have a terrible problem with abandonment, so I think I understand how you feel. I can't make any demands from my SO because his response is to reject me. In recent years we have separate social lives, all his decision. I have told him many times I want to know his friends and I want him to know mine, with not much success.
So I have been resigned to it and maybe I'm better off anyway. I hate being rejected by him -- either because I truly love him, or because I am ACOA. Or maybe both.
My SO and I are both amateur musicians, and he plays with his friends and I play with mine. He says it's because we like different kinds of music, but that could be an excuse.
Meanwhile, I am happy with my social life and the friends I play music with. I am not dying because he doesn't go with me. But I feel like maybe I would die if he really did abandon me.
So I don't know what we should do if we have demands. We can't make anyone do what we want. Your H loves doing certain things, and he can't really change, no one can. He could compromise, but seems like he doesn't want to.
I think if our SO doesn't value us enough to compromise, we either have to accept things as they are, or else leave, depending on how much we care about our demand.
My hope is that I will become more valuable to my SO, as I have become much more independent and confident in recent years. Mostly because I do everything alone without him. So I feel he did me a favor.
So I guess my suggestion to you is to go ahead and find your own activities without him, so you won't stay home and feel sad when he is out having fun.
oh man i have terrible abondonment issues... lately im the first to leave because i KNOW its just a matter of time before i'm left. there is one relationship close to me i want desperately to let go of but it feelsl ike the straw that will break me... i cant imagine my life without them even though at times it hurts SO BAD. Its like being cut in half, physically and internally...
thanks for being here and sharing linda, glad you are here
I am so glad to hear this.