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Post Info TOPIC: abandonment issues


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1419
Date:
abandonment issues


HI

So I have not been travelling real well lately.  Gave in and had the heart to heart with my husband this morning.

Basically he has laid down the law as I see it and has allowed me the choice to be part of it or not.  He is going to increase his camping and fishing and hunting activities, and he is not going to reduce his smoking to what it was before we were married (so stop asking me to basically), he says he can't reduce to what he was smoking before, he apparenlty couldn't handle to be smoking as little as he was before we were married. (I don't really know what that means).

I did some googeling and some reading.... I found a sight about abandonment issues and fear of abandonment and it seemed to explain me to a 'T'. 

My husband said to me that he doesn't know why he is with me.  that hurt.  He likes to go camping and fishing and hunting and smoking dope.  He says that is why he moved to Darwin from Alice Springs to do those things and he feels he hasn't been doing enough of it.  so if I don't like it, theres the door basically.

So again, I am in the threat of being abandoned.  There is always something more important than me in every body's life. 

I just need to feel loved thats all.  I feel like all those things he wants to do are put 'before' me.  They are more important than me. He actually said he is sick of pussyfooting around my emotions.

so there.... my part in it is..... everything...... again, I feel like my childhood issues are coming back to haunt me.  I have no idea where I am going with this thread.. but I know I feel sick and scared and physically sick again, and sad and angry and and and.....



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Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1561
Date:

Linda, you are loved by us and after you are loved by you, you will be loved by a special someone else. The abandonment fear is real. I understand that as much as anyone. But once you decide that you love you, that you will always be there for you, then it's easier for you to see the possibility that someone will be there to love you for you too.

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"This place is the bomb-diggity-wiggity cocoa puff." - CDK

My blog



Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1419
Date:

I wonder if that person will ever be my husband?



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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 481
Date:

Linda - my heart goes out to you. How do we get past those hurts and feel enough value in ourselves to realize that if we're not getting what we need that we have to decide how we get what we need. My husband basicaly did the same thing months ago with guns - not guns for hunting - assault weapons and tactical shooting.

I'm sorry you are so far away - I'm greatful for this board. Please keep sharing and know that you are cared for and cared about. I will be thinking of you.

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Senior Member

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Posts: 150
Date:

Linda, I was a big pot smoker for 7 years, every day for 7 years. I started because my husband, then new boyfriend, smoked and so did his whole circle of friends. Early on he wanted me to quit. He could tell it wasn't doing me any good. But he refused to quit, too. He said he needed it. This issue nearly destroyed our marriage numerous times. I am very ashamed by how I handled the situation. I handled it poorly over and over again. I reacted to him as if he wanted to control me. I refused to have him control me. Even though I knew I needed to stop smoking long enough to get know I was in control, not the pot. I refused because it would be like he was controlling me. But at the same, I refused to really be in control of myself.

So much of our current relationship dynamics is because of how I handled my pot smoking then.

I smoked behind his back. Finally one time, it got so serious, we had a throwdown. I said it was me smoking or it is over. he decided to accept me smoking, although it would take years for the resentment to not be palatable. I broke his heart that day (and many times before that...but then again, he broke mine numerous times, too. That is the risk of love.)

I stopped smoking when I decided to try to get pregnant. He has smoked off and on since then, but I am finally OK with that. Even though after about a week of him smoking daily, I start to get frustrated and nervous by his behavior. Fortunately, he will smoke for only a week at a time...and then go months without.

i actually tried to smoke one night recently again...with his "approval." And I HATED it. Maybe it was because I had already started exploring my ACoA stuff, but the thoughts going through my head were terrifying. In some ways it was helpful because I saw how much fear I had pent up inside me. I actually realized that I had created fantasies of fear.

i have so much more to write about this, but i am at work and have to run. Thank you for sharing your story with us. It is helping me process some of my own pain. (((hugs))) to you.




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Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 22
Date:

JamesCT is correct you are loved here. We all need to learn to love ourselves first. I'm still having major issues with that. Abandonment is one of the worst fear I have. If someone else can't love me how can I love myself?
If things end up at there worst remember you have survived a lot more than just this and you will survive this.

((hugs)) Stay strong in the boundaries you have set. You will find the love one day.

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Senior Member

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Posts: 266
Date:

It has always been so easy for me to let everyone else have their needs and I never took care of my own. Actually, I didn't even know what needs I had. I grew up taking care of my parents and not being allowed to have needs. I have had to learn what my needs are and asking that they be taken care of. Not easy and very scary for me. My marriage did end when I started asking that my needs be taken care of, too. However, I am now in a wonderful relationship with an emotionally available person who is interested in my needs.

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Senior Member

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Posts: 481
Date:

Sallyo - thank you for posting - so there is hope :) :)

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Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1561
Date:

amills4294 wrote:

Sallyo - thank you for posting - so there is hope :) :)


Yes.  There is.  I still didn't stop talking to women while was supposed to be taking a break, but I have found someone who if she's being honest about what she wants and how she comports herself believes in a balanced relationship.  And without ACoA, I wouldn't have a prayer right now.  But I do.



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"This place is the bomb-diggity-wiggity cocoa puff." - CDK

My blog



Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 32
Date:

Its very difficult to ask for what we need in the first place. If abandonment is a big scary monster my relationship gets lopsided. Its hard to stay in my rational minds when the monster looms so large and I'm feeling small and frightened. Still, I've noticed I can equalize myself several ways and practically adjust my size. I don't have to scare myself more and overwhelm myself in the process and thus feel myself smaller up against the monster. I've been thru the school of hard knox up against the monster on several occasions. Ouch! I'll probably do it again to my own detriment while figuring I'm going to break thru the barrier and relieve the stalemate tension for us both. I'm improving my habits slowly. I remind myself to get going with just a few baby steps. These baby steps are actually gigantic! We're not actually in a zero-sum game.



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Guru

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Posts: 1561
Date:

rein wrote:

I'm improving my habits slowly. I remind myself to get going with just a few baby steps. These baby steps are actually gigantic! We're not actually in a zero-sum game.


That is so important to remember.  Thank you for sharing.



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"This place is the bomb-diggity-wiggity cocoa puff." - CDK

My blog

ifa


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 6
Date:

I have a terrible problem with abandonment, so I think I understand how you feel. I can't make any demands from my SO because his response is to reject me. In recent years we have separate social lives, all his decision. I have told him many times I want to know his friends and I want him to know mine, with not much success.

So I have been resigned to it and maybe I'm better off anyway. I hate being rejected by him -- either because I truly love him, or because I am ACOA. Or maybe both.

My SO and I are both amateur musicians, and he plays with his friends and I play with mine. He says it's because we like different kinds of music, but that could be an excuse.

Meanwhile, I am happy with my social life and the friends I play music with. I am not dying because he doesn't go with me. But I feel like maybe I would die if he really did abandon me.

So I don't know what we should do if we have demands. We can't make anyone do what we want. Your H loves doing certain things, and he can't really change, no one can. He could compromise, but seems like he doesn't want to.

I think if our SO doesn't value us enough to compromise, we either have to accept things as they are, or else leave, depending on how much we care about our demand.

My hope is that I will become more valuable to my SO, as I have become much more independent and confident in recent years. Mostly because I do everything alone without him. So I feel he did me a favor.

So I guess my suggestion to you is to go ahead and find your own activities without him, so you won't stay home and feel sad when he is out having fun.

 

 



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Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 98
Date:

oh man i have terrible abondonment issues... lately im the first to leave because i KNOW its just a matter of time before i'm left. there is one relationship close to me i want desperately to let go of but it feelsl ike the straw that will break me... i cant imagine my life without them even though at times it hurts SO BAD. Its like being cut in half, physically and internally...

 

thanks for being here and sharing linda, glad you are here



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Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 32
Date:

Gosh, I can relate to every single post in this thread. :(
Linda, I wish I could give you a hug. Your husband could have handled it a bit better. It's important for him to do XYZ but he doesn't have to hurt you saying so. Geez. You know what? I would divorce him right on the spot for just being so cruel. It's one thing to make a statement like "I like to do XYZ and pls understand that I need to do XYZ and that I hope you are OK with me spending time doing XYZ" and totally another to say "I will do XYZ no matter what you think and feel about it".
I do too feel like the last item in everyone's list. Sometimes I'm not even in the list.
Not only that, I have a bunch of people accusing me for being selfish when I'm nonexistent in said list.
I'm fed up feeling abandoned and guilty at the same time for my need to be included and loved.
To all those who call me selfish for being brave enough to voice my needs: TOUGH!
To my friends here who know where I'm coming from: much love {{hugs}}
Thanks so much for sharing, Linda.
Hope the HP shows you the way through.





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Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1419
Date:

hi
as there was a new post to this thread from October, I read all the posts again including my own original post.

Wow... alot has changed since that post.

He still smokes. I am not sure how much exactly, I have stopped counting and monitoring and taking his inventory. I still look occassionally and ask occassionally, it is still on my mind daily but....

I have found peace within me with it mostly. I have accepted that I cannot change him, and I have accepted that he loves me for who I am.

He has not been camping since this post, and I think he has only gone fishing a hand full of times.

I actually am in love with my husband again and have been since about the end of November/early December.

He is a pot head and he is my husband. I have accepted that and I am doing my thing too.

Its good to be reminded of where we have come......

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Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1561
Date:

I am so glad to hear this.



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"This place is the bomb-diggity-wiggity cocoa puff." - CDK

My blog



Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 527
Date:

Smiling at this post and smiling in 2014!


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