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Post Info TOPIC: Alternative 12 Steps of Self Parenting - (Not ACoA approved)


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Alternative 12 Steps of Self Parenting - (Not ACoA approved)


The 12 Steps to Self-Parenting

Step 1 - Admitted our powerlessness to change our past - that our lives had become unmanageable and became willing to surrender our love and not to our fear.

LINK TO THE DISCUSSION

 

Step 2 - Find hope in the belief that recovery is possible through faith and an acceptance of the fact that we are never really alone.

LINK TO THE DISCUSSION

 

Step 3 - Learned to let go of compulsive self-reliance by reaching out to our Higher Parent.

LINK TO THE DISCUSSION

 

Step 4 - Made an honest assessment of our strengths and weaknesses and accepted the impact our childhood had had upon us as adults.

LINK TO THE DISCUSSION

 

Step 5 - Learned to share our self-parenting issues with others without self-recrimination or shame.

LINK TO THE DISCUSSION

 

Step 6 - Become ready to change by giving up the demand to be perfect.

LINK TO THE DISCUSSION

 

Step 7 - Learned to embrace our uniqueness and connectedness to others in a spirit of love and humility.

LINK TO THE DISCUSSION

 

Step 8 - Learned self-forgiveness and made amends to our inner child.

LINK TO THE DISCUSSION

 

Step 9 - Healed our inner child by realizing the promises of self-parenting in our daily life.

LINK TO THE DISCUSSION

 

Step 10 - Practiced daily self-acceptance and learned to live in the present.

LINK TO THE DISCUSSION

 

Step 11 - Allowed the divinity in us to shine forth by surrendering to our Higher Power.

LINK TO THE DISCUSSION

 

Step 12 - Having had this spiritual awakening, we reached out to others in the spirit of giving, love and community.

LINK TO THE DISCUSSION


The 12 Steps of Self-Parenting were adapted from the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. There is not a self-parenting support group. These steps were written by Patricia O'Gorman, Ph.D. and Philip Diaz, M.S.W., as part of their work with families, women, and youth in recovery.





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Emi


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John, thanks for sharing these.  I have the book by this brother and sister team.  It's very good!

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Thank You for posting these steps and for the links to the discussion of them. 

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Emi


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Just re-read these steps from the book which was published in 1988...22 yrs ago...these authors were way ahead of their time. Their writing is like poetry.

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Wow, these are great!  I've never seen them before, and they sum up the inner child work my therapist was trying to teach me last year.  Thanks for posting them!

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Hi John- Im new here. How do I start a new topic? Thanks

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Emi


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John, just re-read these steps by Patricia and Philip...today I noticed - again - that there is almost a poetic rhythm to their writing. It makes reading them even more enjoyable.

My favorite today is Step 12: Having had this spiritual awakening, we reached out to others in the spirit of giving, love and community. This one really says it all for me!!!





-- Edited by Emi on Wednesday 26th of January 2011 12:40:44 PM

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Thank you for your post, John. I am new here, as well, and am already feeling recognized and welcomed.

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Thank you for posting these.  They are lovely.

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Thanks for posting them they give some hope to people that are having hard times

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kristin


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Thankyou so much for these steps.....They are EXACTLY where I am at.....The wording was "perfect" for me....Even though I know --perfect isn't the goal HA! Thank you---They are very special and definitely spoke to me.......Appreciate your reaching out to all too.......

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AKM


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May I ask why these are not ACOA-approved?
What are the ACOA-approved steps then?
Thanks

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Emi


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Hi, Anondauoa...good question.  All 12 Step groups have what is called "conference approved literature".   Each group holds a conference, usually at least once a year where that group's business is discussed and a vote is held for any proposed changes or new business.  The literature is what defines a program, or 12 step group.  Sometimes there are other writings developed by members and non-members that everyone likes and that broaden our perspective.   The 12 Steps of Self-Parenting are the latter.   For newcomers, this is sometimes very confusing.  It was for me.  But, I kept coming back to live face-to-face meetings and eventually it all started making sense to me.   The best way to learn about this process is to attend live meetings in your area and start doing service work.  Doing service is one of the most growthful things a member can do and it helps us to live in our recovery one day at a time.  

So, can anyone else add to this?     



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Thanks, Emi. I may be new to the online forum but I'm not new to the 12 step program. I have attended OA ftf mtgs in my area and know the protocol, have been involved in service work etc.
My question remains: since these are writings that as you say "everyone likes" how come they have not been approved? Is there something debatable about them?
I know the original 12 steps. And I know the work we have done in my local OA mtg to adapt them for our needs.
So I'm curious if anyone would like to discuss the differences from the approved ACoA steps.
Thanks.




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Hi y'all...

 

this is something that works for me

I think the group conscience is important

and needs regular time and attention.

 

The quote I use is from the Alanon 4th concept:

"Participation is the key to unity."

 

David.



-- Edited by DavidG on Tuesday 20th of March 2012 12:49:11 AM

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I am new to the ACoA sight.  I am so glad to hear there is a book about these steps.  I've got to get it! I look forward to joining in the meetings.  I only wish there were a few more times to choose from since I'm in Montana on mountain time. smile



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Hi All,

I am a newbie here, but not new to recovery.

I am sooooo glad to have found this group.

I like the simplicity of these alternative 12 Steps.

Thanks.smile

Peace and Light



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 Croeso Aartisans,

welcome to this forum... there is a real good crowd here.

both from North America and Commonwealth countries.

Hwyl fawr,

 

DavidG.

Seland Newydd,

New Zealand.



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DavidG wrote:

LINDA'S LIST

Hi guys

I have noted in a couple of posts a bit of confusion about how the board works and what can and can't be said.  I thought I would post a little bit of help

I would like to address ESH and Cross talk.

ESH - Experience Strength and Hope.

A person posts what they would like to discuss or say.  As a person on the board I read this and decide if I would like to share.  If I do, I follow the guidelines of giving ESH.  What is my experience in this area.  What did I find worked for me (my strength) and perhaps what I found didn't work when I tried it.  What would I hope for this person... is there something in the daily readings, the laundry list, the solution, the steps... what is there that the program gives us that can give hope for this situation that the poster originally put out there.

We avoid telling another what to do, how to do it or tell them what they have done wrong.  We never give advice.  This is not a counselling service or a professional body of therapists.  We are other people joining together on a road to recovery that are sharing our travels.  We share our own ESH.

  If you are new, you have a wealth of information for us to hear just as much as a long termer who has done the steps 100 times.  We all have ESH to contribute.

As a poster, if a person gives ESH, and you don't like it.. remember it is that persons ESH that they are sharing.  In response, we do not tell them they are wrong or take offense to it.  It is that persons life experience they are sharing.  It may not fit to our situation, we may be able to take a bit of what the person has said and adapt it.  Sometimes its just nice to know another person has been through something similar even if what they did would not work for us.

We share and we grow.

I like the principle... take what you like and leave the rest...

This brings me to cross talk

CROSSTALK

This is not heavily enforced on this board.  Basically it means that the posts should all relate to the original post. The conversation thread should stay on track.  WE give our ESH to the original post. 

If the post brings up issues and thoughts for you that you would like to 'put out there', I would recommend starting a new post and saying... I read in another post and it got me thinking... etc

Members are welcome to talk about their own experience as it relates directly or indirectly to another's sharing, but are asked not to refer directly to that person's comments.

POPPY'S EXTENSION:

~Maybe we could extend that comment to include "unless he/she asks" ? ~

If your post ends up going outside of the ESH principles, perhaps start a new thread and recieve feedback on your thought.  This keeps that person original post active and not side tracked or taking the importance away from the original poster who had the courage to post.

I hope those little guides help out for newcomers,and can remind those of us who have been here a while too.biggrin


 



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Hi!  I'm new to this board, and also new to the 12-Step process.  I've been attending Al-Anon meetings for about 2 weeks, and have been finding them helpful.

Thank you for posting this version of 12 Steps.  They resonate much more strongly for me than the traditional Al-Anon 12 steps.  I'll look into the book they come from.

Thanks for being here.  Thanks to everyone here for willingness to come together for mutual help and healing.  And thanks again for this particular thread/post.



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R



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smile Not sure who wrote this~ but I do have a strong suspicion. aww

I think this sums up our approach here... it is working for me and I see it working for others.

For this reason I am pinning it up here... it deserves the light! 

 

We've just watched you blossom into a Living Rose
Now embarking on a new path your courage shows
It actually began when you shared yourself with us
and you found a new family to love, that's a plus

Wherever your adventure takes you we'll follow
So that life won't be too huge for you to swallow
We'll be waiting to wipe away all of your tears
We'll be your shelter to help ease all of your fears

You are more than a shadow hidden in the dark
as this journey to the light you will now embark
You will be held in our hearts and our daily prayers
We'll be awaiting your return with hope to share

If this road gets tough and you feel lonely and cold
Look upon how long you have already been bold
Like the rising sun awaits the day's arrival
We'll wait with pride that you find in your survival

You'll realize how important your life is to all
There are people waiting to catch you if you fall
So rely on that as you heal within your soul
Let freedom from the pain now be your guiding goal

Remember you're not alone while you recover
Your brand new petals wait for you to discover
We'll be here to support and to help pull you through
Hold securely in your heart that, "We're Here For You!"

 



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He poto, he tika...  keeping it simple.

 

 

 

 

 



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Hi! smile

This is a space where I pin up stuff I, for one, would like to have ready access to.

As an elucidation of Hp stuff I found this really useful.

 

"In my experience, enlightenment comes only when you know -Not- that you've slipped into it. It can not be constant, but once you know it, you can not unknow it. It permeates all other moments, and raises the whole experience of life itself so to speak. For me... nothing has even been dark since... nothing... even my daughters terrible tragedy last a year and a 1/2 ago.

It is something to 'think about' only in hindsight - the more you think about it, the more you want more of it... and the less you achieve... as you steal time away from what could be... by wishing and thinking etc... then more frustrated about that lol ;) 

Such is life - messy - complicated - wonderful - extraordinary... 

... the gift of consciousness is never a waste... in the grand scheme of things... the range of mind and existence is so small - it doesn't matter much at all which direction or how deep it goes... not really. Yet somehow, it changes everything. Every. Single. Thing. Ever to be, and that ever was. And that's a pretty big deal at the very same time.

For me - the choice is mine... is it all for good (even the bad?) - or is it all for nothing? Faith is a choice. My mind has always wanted me to say "why bother" or "what's the point: nothing" or "I don't matter" or "just this once can't matter" etc etc. 

Finding faith allows me to not analyze or 'know' anything. Just make the choice that allows me to feel peaceful and joyful - and just be okay."

-Tasha, 10 Dec 2014.

Thanks Tash...  aww

 

[came in and increased the print size... ]



-- Edited by david on Sunday 26th of April 2015 05:33:47 PM

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I talk the talk of the things you posted but I am not sure they really adhere to the grey matter.



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Emi wrote:

John, thanks for sharing these.  I have the book by this brother and sister team.  It's very good!


 Hi, Emi!

What is this book? And where I can find it to read?

I'm ACA but reading the first post of this theam I felt joy -- I found what looked for!



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  You might find it in a library...

     but for buying this is the amazon link...

 

http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Trauma-Through-Self-Parenting-Codependency/dp/075731614X



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Thank you, david!

I bought the book and want to work using it. May somebody share who you use/used this book for "steping"? Just read? Or discused with others? Or something else? I will happy to receive any answer :))



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Thank you so much for posting this John!
I'm new here -- new to recovery -- so excited to begin this journey and hope to connect with all of you at some point.
Prayers and thoughts are with you all <3
Love,
J.

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re: Step 1 - Admitted our powerlessness to change our past - that our lives had become unmanageable and became willing to surrender our love and not to our fear.

Parts of the 1st step don't make any sense to me.
Re: became willing to surrender our love and not to our fear.
Shouldn't it read: became willing to surrender TO our love and not TO our fear?
or this: willing to surrender IN/AS/WITH love and not to fear?

I've never understood the issue of Power because, as a child, I never had any power. My parents and older brother always had the Power and I was assigned to be the family fearful doormat. If and when I am given Power, I either misuse it or don't use it at all! I can (sort of) handle Power now and especially after being in Recovery for a long time.

Another thing I've never resonated with is the matter of "changing the past". How can any past be changed unless with a Time Machine? What's done is done. I'd like to forget the past and wish some of it had never happened but here I am and all I have is this NOW.
Well, I found out a long time ago that much of what appears in literature and cliches may not apply to me so I've made the steps fit my needs and filled in the blanks the best I can. Ultimately, it's whatever works for me that matters and I imagine the literature will change as time goes by to more accurately fit all of us and our needs.

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Really like these Alternative Steps. I would like to discuss them further. I am in the Pacific NW, USA. Still figuring out this post/reply technical stuff. Thank you. Lynne PNW

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Hi Lynne... smile

                    ACA, here, is a stand alone adult child group... we stick pretty close to ACA D-F principals.

As you will know we are allowed to bring non-conference approved material into our meetings. I believe that is ACA our opinions really count... just as important as our emotions. Reason being- most of us weren't really ever listened to much.

I am in the South Pacific, and found the time zones a bit baffling at first...

   ...I am happy to discuss these steps... smile...

cheers,

DavidG.



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Welcome, Lynne!

Hope you will join our Forum discussions and Tuesday night chat meetings!

In Recovery,

Mrs. Snoopy

Florida, USA



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Hi David. Thank you for the welcome. Can you tell me where to find the D-F principals? I am not familiar with that term. Thanks. And thank you, too, again, Mrs. Snoopy. I'm not sure I can do the meeting due to time differences but I appreciate your encouragement and invitation. Lynne

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Hi Lynne,

              More than likely you will have picked up the D-F principals at the meeting you are going to!

ACA, or ACoA began as adult children of alcoholics. The D-F relates to Dysfunctional Families. So membership was extended.

Along with all other 12 step groups we have the steps and traditions. But beside this we also have The Laundry List, The Solution and The Promises.

 

This group/forum here is called Adult Children Anonymous, which, in my opinion, is a wrap-around of children of addiction, and any other dysfunction.

 

For me the core learning/teaching is in The Solution.

Before coming to ACA I was in Alanon for many years. So I was already part way there, really. These days I relate to the Promises- something I once thought impossible.

This is The Laundry List.

 

http://www.adultchildren.org/lit-Laundry_List



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I'm not too fond of the approved ACA 12 steps, but I'm glad if they help other people. These alternative ones I really love, though. Spot on.

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