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Post Info TOPIC: Intimacy / Daily Affirmations of Adult Children of Alcoholics


Guru

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Posts: 1273
Date:
Intimacy / Daily Affirmations of Adult Children of Alcoholics


I AM ATTRACTED TO PEOPLE WHO ARE AVAILABLE FOR INTIMACY


New territory is opening to me as I acquaint myself with my feelings and beliefs.  I am open to experimenting with new behavior as I release the shackles of my past programming. 

Being attracted to someone I cannot have is safe.  This becomes harmful for me only when I make this a way of life.  If I wish to grow I must be willing to look at my fear of intimacy with a real person in the here and now.  It is no longer satisfying for me to drift in a cloud of self-deception. 

Day by day I am getting ready to accept the challenges of intimacy.  I have turned the bright lights on the dark mechanical patterns of my past.  With my deepening self-awareness, I deserve a relationship that is attainable. 

March 16 / Page 75 / Daily Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics

***************

My husband and I are embarking on a new path of intimacy.  There was a certain detachment in our friendship - limits due to the relationship I was already in at the time.   (I sooo sincerely want another cup of coffee. . . **blink**).  When we began our dating relationship, both of us became quite aware very quickly that intimacy scared the heck out of us both.   For me, I had come out of an incredibly intimate relationship due to his death - and that's what intimacy meant to me. . .loss.  If I was intimate - or allowed myself to become vulnerable, I would face abandonment. 

Since I'm taking care of me, I won't go into my husband's intimacy issues.  I know we have both had many many failed relationships - often due to the other person's inability to 'be there'.  So we weren't being there for each other - we weren't 'being there' for ourselves. 

Yesterday I spent a whole day in fear. . . what if's where plaguing my mind - past angers where raising their ugly heads as 'proofs'.  I worked my program all day long - I could feel myself pulling back to protect myself from these 'what if's' and 'proofs'.  But my husband came home, and we had a wonderful intimate afternoon.  He soon went to work, but for that time, I was FIRST in his life. . .and for that time, he was FIRST in mine.  Each time this happens, I'm more able and more willing to let my guards down and open up and share a little bit more of myself with him.  I'm facing my fears, and the reward is wonderful.

But lets say that I did this and he wasn't ready, yet.  What would I do?  Would I build those walls back up again?  I've thought long and hard about this - and my answer is right for me.  I do not want to build those walls back up for myself.  There are times when I do need to protect myself, but in healthy functioning ways that either resolve or show me that I'm trying to control something that cannot be controlled.  I knew when it was time to leave my A - yet in the process, I was controlling what I could control and I still maintained that open, loving me.  I'm still have a degree of privacy.  I'll always be private - that's healthy too. . .but I can be intimate and private at the same time.  The privacy is what shows me where I'm really being intimate and where I'm still holding out in the stubbornness of my walls.  That privacy shows me where my inner circle is and should be.  The person on the street doesn't need to be in that inner circle. . .the people I care about in my life can be. 

That intimacy also shows me the health of what I deserve in my relationships.  Am I willing to be intimate with none in return.  I'm becoming less and less willing at this point.  I deserve that bonding on a deeper level.  If I'm not intimate, then I have no idea where the two way street is.


__________________
Beth

There are only two people who can tell you the truth about yourself an enemy who has lost his temper and a friend who loves you dearly. Antisthenes (Greek philosopher of Athens, disciple of Socrates, 445-365 BC)


Guru

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(((((((((BETH)))))))))))))

Beautiful share...

I too have struggle alot with intimacy, I have a wonderful intimate relationship with my husband to a degree, but I still have moments where i have to have boundry's and rules in order for me to feel free enough to except it.

I have learned that intimacy can be so many things, and sex is not the only one, for me I sometimes enjoy just sitting on the porch swing together, and just being still, or lounging on the couch together watching a movie. There are so many things that we do daily that constitutes as intimacy, and it truly is in how WE Each individually preseave it.

I think most of my struggles come from my own lack of self worth, stemming from my Very Active Sex life as a young child/adult. I have tons of regrets and sometimes feel like I am not worthy of the love of my husband, after all the things I have done to my body or allowed others to do to my body. So I too fight this battle right along beside you...

Thanks for this share, I know it took alot to put it out there, & you did good ;)

Love & Prayers to ya ;) pray.gif
Jozie

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Just For today... I will take care of me... For I am worth it....

Forgiveness- Isn't about forgetting what happened, its about Giving Up, All Hope, of a Better Past!


Guru

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Posts: 4436
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i used to think intimacy was only about sex....there was so much of that growing up that that is what i thought....

anyway, now i see intimacy as , broken down......." In To Me See"......i am willing to be intimate...AFTER i know they are safe......being vulnerable...being open w/my feelings....being transparent------I gotta feel safe w/the other person or forget it!!!! 

my life has fences now, rather than walls, but i can lock those fence gates,  tight as a bull's rear end in "fly time" if I have to......

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Rosie------------REAL love is when I can totally know me and STILL love and accept me


Guru

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This is such a huge issue for me that I need to force myself to read anything that deals with it... I am an emotional freak, I am afraid I won't get any partner, than I am afraid I'll get one, I am afraid to open up, I feel like a failure, I live with the fear he would discover one day what an awfull person I am, what a broken woman, and would point the finger at me and leave...

This was why I always choosed guys that were more broken than I was...
and this is why I cannot trust my "picker" anymore... it is broken.
So I am living my life. Day after day. Working on me. Hoping that one day I'll be getting so far that I can allow anyone to come closer.

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Who are we? Where are we going?... but more important: will we find a parking-place?


Guru

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Date:

I remember the one boss that I had many years ago who was instrumental in getting me into ACOA recovery, came out to where I was working, sat herself down, and said to me - don't you want to get married again? 

 

I then began to talk to my life coach, whom when he told me that his birthday was 08-10, which had a huge significance for me, and that he was divorced, my age, etc...well, you can see where I'm going...I could have my crush but he was safe...and then he asked me - don't you want to go out on a date?  My reply was - yes, once before I die. 

I guess I just wanted to say how glad I am when I can see others working towards having that healthy intimacy with their spouse...don't know what it would feel like...just wasn't meant to be for me...pretty stuck in my ways at my age now...so just wanted to offer my well-wishes from the sidelines...

 



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Guru

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Posts: 609
Date:

It's taken me a long time to detach from people who aren't emotionally available. Even if they were, I wasn't able to handle it. I would freak out internally.

This is where my HP comes on--in my past when I am emotional, when I am broken, when I am down.. I expect to be further hurt. I expect ridicule, I expect criticism, blame, to be attacked and further hurt. (thanks parents) and that definitely distorted my vision of god. i HATED that god. I'm firing him and getting one that works for me, instead of against me.

these days when I'm sad/hurt/grieving I want to be treated with a hug instead of an insult. The healing has already begun but in these moments I can feel it. and I KNOW that this program works.

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It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love/All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get. Morarji Desai


Guru

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Posts: 2759
Date:

Carmendiana wrote:

This is such a huge issue for me that I need to force myself to read anything that deals with it... I am an emotional freak, I am afraid I won't get any partner, than I am afraid I'll get one, I am afraid to open up, I feel like a failure, I live with the fear he would discover one day what an awfull person I am, what a broken woman, and would point the finger at me and leave...

This was why I always choosed guys that were more broken than I was...
and this is why I cannot trust my "picker" anymore... it is broken.
So I am living my life. Day after day. Working on me. Hoping that one day I'll be getting so far that I can allow anyone to come closer.



I used to be scared to death to be on my own... and then I had two years on my own and it probably was the best time in my life, because I was able to work on me and "fix" things

 



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"A busy mind is a sick mind.  A slow mind is a healthy mind.  A still mind is a divine mind." - Native American Spiritual Centerness

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