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Post Info TOPIC: Shame / Self Talk - Daily Affirmations for Children of Alcoholics


Guru

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Posts: 1273
Date:
Shame / Self Talk - Daily Affirmations for Children of Alcoholics
 


TODAY I DISCARD MY BELIEFS THAT HINDER MY RECOVERY

Today I am aware of my thoughts and I realize my that my world is a reflection of all that I believe. I acknowledge that my beliefs manifest themselves in my reality; therefore I have no time for negative thinking, no time for destructive thoughts or beliefs that hinder my recovery.

I discard the emotions of guilt, shame and resentment. I am not guilty and I have no reason to feel shame. I let my resentments flow away as I experience the comfort and security of my Higher Power.

Today I release those beliefs that are destructive, that have outlived their usefulness. Today my thoughts center on beauty, abundance, order, love, freedom, and health.

June 13, page 164 - Daily Affirmations For Adult Children of Alcoholics

******

This is not the post for today - instead I looked up subject specific because I'm REALLY struggling right now. . .

I know that when I struggle it's because I haven't accepted.  I'm fighting what I need to accept.

I think this one is going to be a process. 

This weekend my husband got into another blow up.  Since I've been back in my program, I'm beginning to recognize some things, and some things aren't taken nearly as personally.  The temper tantrum he threw, for instance wasn't about me.  I know this, now.  It was about his need for a crisis in the house. 

The blame wasn't' about me either, even though the blame was directed at me.  He was blaming everything he set his eyes on all day for making him feel unhappy and irritable. 

He did do a few things that I was able to help him with during the temper tantrum. . . take breaks when he got too agitated - after the third break, he did it without being destructive or abusive.  The first two times wasn't workin' for me.  For the first time in our marriage, he tried to share his feelings.  And I so appreciate his effort.  We're going to do a communication's exercise when he gets home this evening on practicing feeling statements.  He's very willing to work with me on this - this is something I could really use the practice in as well. 

So there's progress.  I asked for progress, not for perfection. 

But the CONTENT of the blame is what I'm struggling with.  It was shaming. . . and humiliating.  It took me back to other abuses. . . other blaming that was so incredibly wrong.  I've been battling that shame tape in my head all day long.  The AMAZING thing though, is that I have severe PTSD. . . and I didn't trigger. ((((!!!!!!))))  I'm not having a PTSD episode right now. . . in fact, I haven't had one since I wrote that letter to T.

So that's a good thing.  but I have been on the verge of tears all day with fears of what our intimate relationship is about to become, and how does he see me NOW. . .and all that shame of how he described how he saw me the other night. 

Old thoughts.  I haven't been in this kind of blame session for a very long time.  I guess I got pretty tender there. 

So I recognize that what he was blaming me for was dead wrong.  I was not doing those things, had no intent of doing those things.  And then I go to the next sentence in my brain/heart . . . I'm not dirty. . .or repulsive. . .and that's where I get that lump in my throat.  I'm borrowing his description of me to define myself. . .but it isn't true. . .it's a lie.  I'm not dirty.  I'm not repulsive.  I'm not dirty, I'm not repulsive. ..

I AM. . .LOVING. . . I AM . .. SINCERE. ..

**tears**

I am loving and sincere.  I don't play games with our sex life.  I don't play games with the affection I give to him. 

Augh.  This really hurt me. 

We did get to the real issues, I made some suggestions that he and I both can be responsible for.  I'll do my part. 

Any experience, strength and hope on how to let go of old reminded lies, I'd really be appreciative. 

Thanks!


__________________
Beth

There are only two people who can tell you the truth about yourself an enemy who has lost his temper and a friend who loves you dearly. Antisthenes (Greek philosopher of Athens, disciple of Socrates, 445-365 BC)


Guru

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that is so great...being under fire and NOT goin into ptsd....i notice that if i keep saying "its their issue not mine" and encouraging self talk to me to counter their projections, i can avoid a ptsd attack sometimes...its WORK....good 4 U

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Rosie------------REAL love is when I can totally know me and STILL love and accept me


Guru

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Years ago after my divorce, I dated a few women and when we got to the point of talking about our previous relationships, three women right in a row, said that they would rather be physically abused instead of verbally abused (shame) because the scars from being physically attacked will heal, but the scars of being verbally attacked can last a lifetime.

That's probably why me and my wife get along really well - we never use our mouths as weapons.

Having been on more then my share of shaming statements, I still struggle with the reality that those attacks were never about me.

Shame is passed on from one to another when one person can't handle their shame anymore and they pass it off on someone else.

The best way to stop it, is what you did Beth positive statements...

__________________
"A busy mind is a sick mind.  A slow mind is a healthy mind.  A still mind is a divine mind." - Native American Spiritual Centerness



Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 986
Date:
 

TODAY I DISCARD MY BELIEFS THAT HINDER MY RECOVERY

Today I am aware of my thoughts and I realize my that my world is a reflection of all that I believe. I acknowledge that my beliefs manifest themselves in my reality; therefore I have no time for negative thinking, no time for destructive thoughts or beliefs that hinder my recovery.

I discard the emotions of guilt, shame and resentment. I am not guilty and I have no reason to feel shame. I let my resentments flow away as I experience the comfort and security of my Higher Power.

Today I release those beliefs that are destructive, that have outlived their usefulness. Today my thoughts center on beauty, abundance, order, love, freedom, and health.


Robin - I really like this post, please keep posting the daily's. I think this is 100% true. After spending limited time around my mother in law I realize how negative thinking and putting people down really makes me feel really really bad. Thanks again for sharing this.

__________________

Robin



Guru

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Date:
 

rosielightshines wrote:

that is so great...being under fire and NOT goin into ptsd....i notice that if i keep saying "its their issue not mine" and encouraging self talk to me to counter their projections, i can avoid a ptsd attack sometimes...its WORK....good 4 U



I was really pleasantly surprised, Rosie. . .very much so.  :)  In the past, a shaming session like this would have sent me into a very dark place for days or weeks.  But like I told you - that place was defused, there's no power in it any longer. . .:)  So my brain has to find something else to do. . .heh. . .like work on the actual issue!! **laughing**

It was so good talking to you the other night!  :)  Lemme know when you'd like to start working on the book. 


 



__________________
Beth

There are only two people who can tell you the truth about yourself an enemy who has lost his temper and a friend who loves you dearly. Antisthenes (Greek philosopher of Athens, disciple of Socrates, 445-365 BC)


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1273
Date:
 

Dave Harm wrote:

Years ago after my divorce, I dated a few women and when we got to the point of talking about our previous relationships, three women right in a row, said that they would rather be physically abused instead of verbally abused (shame) because the scars from being physically attacked will heal, but the scars of being verbally attacked can last a lifetime.

That's probably why me and my wife get along really well - we never use our mouths as weapons.

Having been on more then my share of shaming statements, I still struggle with the reality that those attacks were never about me.

Shame is passed on from one to another when one person can't handle their shame anymore and they pass it off on someone else.

The best way to stop it, is what you did Beth positive statements...




I've been speaking to myself the positive statements since I pulled out this affirmation writing yesterday - it's wonderful how much it has helped!!

For the first time, I actually see my husband in the same light as I see my mom, as I saw my Aex-husband.  I did approach him and asked him to think about the possibility that he may be addicted to anger.  He said he would talk to the therapist about it.

We had a good good talk last night.   I printed off a list of 'fair fighting' suggestions - he read it, and hopefully when he gets his hot head going he'll remember some of the suggestions.  We also worked on 'feeling statements' last night:  I feel (feeling) when you (what the other person did) and I would like you to (action needed from person to resolve issue).  We practiced a little last night and will be practicing a lot in the next few days.  I asked him how he saw that a statement like this does not lay blame.  He said it was very clear, and was glad to have another way of communicating his anger.

He told me he is going to start reading the ACA Text book.  Wait and see.

But more importantly BEFORE we had the discussion yesterday, I was really able to see that this was REALLY about him.. . .this had nothing to do with me. . .and just because I happen to be in the way of his insanity - it doesn't make his actions any less insane.  Insanity has no rhyme or reason . . . and the delusions held are not valid.  I'm NOT what he said I was.  I'm me.

So, I think for the first time in our marriage I was finally able to separate myself from his words and my identity and distance myself from his insanity.  Good thing.  :)

 

 

 

 

 



__________________
Beth

There are only two people who can tell you the truth about yourself an enemy who has lost his temper and a friend who loves you dearly. Antisthenes (Greek philosopher of Athens, disciple of Socrates, 445-365 BC)


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1273
Date:
 

RobinKS wrote:

TODAY I DISCARD MY BELIEFS THAT HINDER MY RECOVERY

Today I am aware of my thoughts and I realize my that my world is a reflection of all that I believe. I acknowledge that my beliefs manifest themselves in my reality; therefore I have no time for negative thinking, no time for destructive thoughts or beliefs that hinder my recovery.

I discard the emotions of guilt, shame and resentment. I am not guilty and I have no reason to feel shame. I let my resentments flow away as I experience the comfort and security of my Higher Power.

Today I release those beliefs that are destructive, that have outlived their usefulness. Today my thoughts center on beauty, abundance, order, love, freedom, and health.


Robin - I really like this post, please keep posting the daily's. I think this is 100% true. After spending limited time around my mother in law I realize how negative thinking and putting people down really makes me feel really really bad. Thanks again for sharing this.



You're welcome, Robin.  I'll post them as I can - my hours have increased considerably at work, but I'll do my best.  :)

 



__________________
Beth

There are only two people who can tell you the truth about yourself an enemy who has lost his temper and a friend who loves you dearly. Antisthenes (Greek philosopher of Athens, disciple of Socrates, 445-365 BC)
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