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Post Info TOPIC: Spouse of ACoA


Status: Offline
Posts: 1
Spouse of ACoA

I need advice! My husand and I have been married for 21 yrs. He does not drink and is a good man. His father was an alcoholic. Very loud, verbally abusive to everyone, his way or no way. He would disown my husband and his brother when he got mad at them. Two years ago my husband and I got into it, again, because his father wanted to visit. I would have to deal with the man because my husband worked, his brother worked and his wife worked. Every visit would result in my father-in-law being a jerk (no drinking but the mean attitude was there). I end up crying telling my husband I couldn't take his dad's visits. My husband would say it was always me overreacting etc... I finally went to our Pastor and he confirmed what I thought. My husband would become this 40 yr old little boy hoping his Dad would accept him and love him at ANY cost. Myself and the kids were the cost. We would get pushed aside and my father-in-law would be put first. Our Pastor talked with my husband and helped him to see this. Well two weeks ago we get a phone call from my husband's brother saying their dad was dying of cancer. His Dad had disowned him when my husband called and asked him not to come to our home and behave badly anymore the two years before thus the disowning (again) by my father-in-law two years before. When he knew he was dying he asked my brother-in-law if my husband knew (he still was not talking to my husband) my brother-in-law said yes my husband knew but would deal with it in his own way. My father-in-law said "He had better hurry." Even dying that man would not lower his pride, he wanted my husband to come to him begging for forgivenss for that phone call. My daughter wrote him a letter telling him about Christ's love. My father-in-law wanted to see all of us because he did not want his grandkids thinking he was not a Christian. We all drove 8 hrs to see him and he went into this speech on how he read all the catholic books, was an alter boy etc... It was the same attention he demanded, only he was dying. I will say this, he said he was sorry if he offended anyone. That was a first! Never did he say his drinking has screwed up his sons and have scared them emotionally. We drove home and my husband insisted on driving back up to see him the next weekend. My husband and I got into it agian, about his dad. His father has been mean, abusive, and has disowned his kids on/off all their lives. My father-in-law died last week and my husband and I are still at odds with eachother. That man has the ability to make my husband push us all aside and bring my husband crawling to him. My husband and I are not talking because of this. My husbands mom married a "happy drunk" and makes excuses for his behavior, my husbands step-mom is and recovering alcohoic. I am at my whit ends with all these people and their abnormal emotional holds on my husband. I see a bunch of emotional damaged people. It's like it is them against me and my husband turns into this helpless 40 yr old kid and pushes me aside when it comes to them. I am sick of it and it's hurting my marriage..What do I do?



Status: Offline
Posts: 16

Dear Wife,

I am so deeply sorry that you are going thru such a terrible time.  I totally understand the power of a parent over the child.  Unfortunelty when drugs or alcohol is added to the mix it just makes things that much worse.  You on the other hand are seeing things from a different perspective I believe.  You see the hold and the disfuntion of the family.  Some people feel that they need to either buy love or pressure love into loving them.  YOur feelings are genuin and you are hurting.  Help your husband with his grief and I am sure your marriage will go back to the loving times that you miss.  If you go back to the main page for miracles in progress you will see links.  Go to links and look for grief managment.  Maybe you can do this together.  Please come to our meetings here too. You may also want to check out the Healing room meetings, and possibly the alanon.  What ever route or room you choose, we are a loving family here that does not judge. We all are here for a reason and we all have stories to tell.  sometimes it does take a miracle just to make it thru each day.

Love Rose(ImFree2004)



Status: Offline
Posts: 4

Hello wife,

I'm sorry for the hurt you are feeling. It's not easy living with an ACOA. I would know, I am one :) My mom is one also. They say alcoholism is a family disease and that its contagious. I've found that to be oh so very true. I wasn't an alcoholic but I sure was sick and acting like one in many ways.

I started attending Al-Anon meetings after the breakup of a 14 year relationship with an alcoholic. I stumbled into an ACOA meeting simply because it was the only meeting available at a convenient time. I read the literature. What struck me as so very odd was that I shared more traits in common with an ACOA than I did with friends/loved one's of drinkers - even though I'd lived with a drinker for 14 years! How could that be?? I didn't understand!! My parents never drank. Ever. They were anti-alcohol!! How could I be an ACOA if my parents weren't users of anything? Because this is a contagious disease! I was sick before I ever got involved with my first alcoholic.

My grandparents were a very small part of my life growing up. I only saw them on xmas. They weren't even active drinkers during my lifetime. Yet, they did have this disease, it effected my mom and thereby me, and probably my dad as well. WOW I just realized that lol. Oh boy, ya learn something new every day in this program!! My dad dropped out of our lives when I was 12. I never understood it but now I'm thinking that maybe he caught this disease too??!! His parents weren't drinkers, I don't know about their parents - but maybe he caught it from my mom?

If you feel you have been effected by someone else's drinking you can find help for dealing with the issues that arise in Al-Anon. It takes time but it really does help.

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